iwanttolive Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I feel like I just killed something really precious to my heart. My ex and I were deeply in love with each other. However, I had difficulty opening up to him. I had difficulty telling him my feeling. It didn't help that lately he felt stressed and easily frustrated. He kept picking on me and finding fault with me. He was upset when I forgot to say goodbye to his parents when we left his house. He was upset I walked in front of him after church saying i was insensitive (actually i was just rushing our the church gate to beat the crowd). He criticised me when I waited for him at the door of his apartment instead of pressing the lift button. My aunt was looking for a house. So I acted as her property agent to get commission. It was my first case. I arranged for a house viewing for an apartment that's within her budget, suits her choice of location and freehold tenure as she requested. I even printed the prices of the latest transactions in the location for my aunt to compare and to negotiate for lower price. The only thing I forgot to do was to check out the age of the apartment and the photo from its website. My ex started criticising me saying that's the first thing I should have done. He said he could have produced 1001 apartments that suit her budget and location. He said I wasted my aunt's time and the seller's time by arranging a viewing without checking out all these! He said I was absurd and lack common sense. Any inexperienced person would have done that. I felt so stupid and discouraged. But as I kept things to myself I din say anything. He called last saturday to apologise that he had been frustrated lately. He asked me to give him time and that he's still there for me (he wanted time alone the previous week and I let him be). But I had to ruin the sweet phone call by blabbering all my unhappiness. I also pointed out that he has issues by worrying too much over problems and thats y he's stressed all the time. The phonecall ended badly. In the evening he texted me "Don't u think we have nothing in common to even draw on? Loving someone means letting the person go for his/her own happiness right? To that I replied "I know what loving someone is. I'm not forcing us to be together. But if we want the r/s, we must decide and promise to put in effort. Thing in common? How to, when we don't set aside time for each other anymore? If you don't want to work together, then forget it" Yesterday, I texted him to apologise about the phonecall. I said "You might hate me now, but I want to say i'm sorry for saying stupid things when u called and were being so sweet". He replied "Never angry so will not hate. But hope to maintain the friendship". He broke up with me! I felt ok yesterday, but today I feel like sh*t. I feel like punishing myself for saying the wrong thing during the phonecall, for not appreciating his gesture. My heart feels so painful to know that he's gone. Why must I ruin things when he was being so sweet??? I'm so stupid and a loser! What should I do? I can't stop crying remembering how sweet he was to humble himself to apologise.
justaman99 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't think you should be beating yourself up like this. There's no excuse for his own behavior and constantly being negative with you and bringing you down. He should be supportive and offer his criticism in a more positive tone and delivery not the condescending way he did. You don't deserve that regardless of his stress. I think underneath it all something else is up and he's doubting the relationship. All this picking and being inconsiderate is just an outlet for his own unhappiness. Don't let yourself be a punching bag for him and surely don't take all the blame. -Just
wingk1314 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 wow. He sounds like my ex gf. I know exactly how you feel. I decided to break up with her in the end cos I knew it will come to it sooner or later if she doesn't change. Trust me, if he's like this now, I'm sure he'll be like this again. EDIT: and I used to think like you too. Always giving the opposite party excuses and finding things which I thought I could have done better. But seriously, it's not your fault. We're all just regular people and people make mistakes no matter if it's big or small. And you've tried your best to help him with everything already. If he can't accept that fact then there's no point.
Habibti Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Firstly, Another person loving us in all honesty has nothing to do with us. It isn't based on our behavior, or how we treat them. True love is not based on conditions anyway, but if a person breaks up with you over something like that- it is an issue they have with THEMSELVES and NOT something you did. See, in a way your ability to love another human being is a lot like trust, some people have trust issues.You'll go out of your way to repeatedly show what a trustworthy individual that you are but you'll eventually find your efforts to be futile. Why? Because you didn't do a good enough job proving you can be trusted? Of course not! Love is the same way, you're going to beat yourself up when a partner leaves you and it's some frivellous reason. What does that mean? You didn't give of yourself and your time and effort and didn't act in a manner that was "loveable" enough? No, real love doesn't work that way. Either we can love another person or we can't, but at the end of the day it all has to do with our own personal ability to do that and very little to do with the other person's behavior. Your boyfriend be-littled you and cut you down several times, has your love for him changed? No, even though he had been a jerk you still loved him, because you still love him. Granted, I think what he did was a horrible way to treat you and if anyone should of been calling off the relationship it was you! Anyhow, I can see this going toxic very quickly. DO NOT remain a friendship with him. Well, I mean go right ahead if you personally enjoy the feeling of having your heart ripped out with fish hooks and then having a vat of salt pour over it..again and again and again. If that sounds appealing then by all means make the mistake so many have made and continue to make and end up with pain and regret and attempt to be friends with someone your feelings run deeper for. You've already been hurt, don't make it worse sweetie.
Ronni_W Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 (((hugs))) You didn't do or say anything to feel guilty about. It is important and appropriate to stand up for one's self, when subjected to such emotionally abusive behaviour. Toxic criticism does not go with "loving someone" or with humility. It goes with trying to control and humiliate. Being stressed is NOT an excuse to act like an inconsiderate, arrogant, dysfunctional freak. There is NO excuse that can validate how he treated/treats you. It is unacceptable because you deserve far better. The fact that he would say he is "never angry" is another red flag -- toxic criticism of the magnitude that he subjected you IS his (dysfunctional) anger release 'strategy'. Such individuals are filled with INCREDIBLE amounts of long-term, unexpressed frustration and anger (rage.) It was not a "humble" gesture for him to apologize for his behaviour -- it was the very least that you deserved! There is nothing in your post to suggest that you act stupidly or like a loser. It is no big deal about the age of the apartment building or having a picture of it -- what was he smoking??? If your aunt was further interested in that property, you could find out the age if SHE cared. You didn't do or say anything to feel guilty about. You deserve to be considered and treated far better than he has shown ability to do.
Author iwanttolive Posted July 24, 2008 Author Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks for all the encouraging thoughts.. At the point of break up, we tend to forget how much we have suffered in the r/s.. I still feel sucky though cos my previous ex also looked down on me.. He just like to see others beneath them and he above others to boost their own ego. I know my immediate ex is like that because he has issue of being rigid and perfectionist and not because of ego. That's why it still hurts to realise he's gone
borelandkaren Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 Thanks for all the encouraging thoughts.. At the point of break up, we tend to forget how much we have suffered in the r/s.. I still feel sucky though cos my previous ex also looked down on me.. He just like to see others beneath them and he above others to boost their own ego. I know my immediate ex is like that because he has issue of being rigid and perfectionist and not because of ego. That's why it still hurts to realise he's gone You seem to have a bit of a pattern going on here. I think you really need to have a look inside and see why you're attracting the types of guys you do. Take care.
Author iwanttolive Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 Why is he breaking up with you so quickly for? There is something else going on me thinks. My thought.. He thinks i'm not good enough for him. He wants someone who's smart.. STREET smart. I'm academically smart. I'm absent-minded, lost in my own thought, bad with direction, bad at making decision, not cool enough, not witty enough. He texted me last time "I feel you are a girl and I want a woman". He has in mind this successful woman in power suit. Able to guide him in life, able to support him when he's down, knows what to do when he got into difficult situation. He wants someone to constantly fuss around him, make sure he's feeling alrite, etc.. It hurts my self-esteem that i got dumped because i'm not good enough for him. It's like i'm not worthy to share his future. I'm beneath him. Sure, u may say, this kinda guy will just exhaust me to death. But the fact is, he thinks i'm not good enough for him! And if there's such a woman good enough for him, i'll feel really inferior..
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