My relationship is falling apart

[blondiepants]

And I am stuck. We just signed a lease together, and there are 10 more months on this lease.

 

Background: we have been together for four years. We have stuck it out through a lot of BS. Some of it his fault, some of it my fault, some of it external crap that has been tough to deal with. This relationship has not been a picnic, but it hasn't been all bad.

 

Anyway, we moved in together at the beginning of June, and everything is falling apart. Ever since he moved in, he has been angry, mean, and defensive. Money is tight right now (it always is right after you move), and he has been awful. Stomping around, yelling at me, calling me names. He hasn't done anything romantic, kind, or put any sort of effort into making me happy. He hasn't taken me out, bought me a flower, taken me on a walk, made dinner for me, kissed me goodnight, etc. The only time he is physically afffectionate is when he wants sex. He goes out all the time without me, and if I suggest that I come too, he will change his mind and NOT go out anymore. He has planned a few trips to visit friends and family - I have not been invited to any of them.

 

When I got here, I was really excited about this living together thing. I was making him dinner, wearing cute nighties, trying to make things "fun" by finding cheap/free activities for us to do in our new city. This lasted about a week until I saw how he was acting. Now, I am finding myself not interested in him sexually, not interested in cooking for him, not interested in spending time with him.

 

I was gone for two days to visit my family (side note - he had promised he woudl come and ended up bailing on me to go visit his buddy in NYC). Duing that time he didn't call me once. When I came back, I was hoping to spend some time with him, maybe watch a movie or something. He said he was tired and took his computer in the bedroom. He sat there and played chess while I watched a movie by myself.

 

I don't want anything to do with him. We had a huge fight last night, and I told him that I don't want this anymore. In this fight he called me the following: Bitch, Cunt, *******, dumbass. I ended up moving my sheets to the couch and sleeping out there. I also ended up throwing my entire glass of wine in his face after he called me those names.

 

Now he is texting me from work saying "I want to take you out tonight - be ready when I come home" I am planning to be at the gym when he comes home.

 

I don't know what to do. I need people's advice because I am afraid of a few things.

1) I am afraid that I am going to go back with him

2) How the hell do you break up with someone while you live with them?

[sb129]

Maybe you should give him a chance to take you out and say sorry?

 

Then you will have a chance to have an adult talk (without fighting) and talk about how you are concerned that living together isn't working out the way you had hoped it would, and maybe try to talk about how you guys could work on making it better.

 

I was in your situation a few years ago. We went ahead and bought a house when our R was on shaky ground, and in the end, we split up. He moved out to his parents house and I ended up buying his share. I may have the benefit of hindsight in thinking it wasn't that bad (it probably was pretty awful at the time) but it is possible.

 

If trying to work through your problems isn't an option or it doesn't work, then you need to discuss your options- one of you will have to move out and find another tenant, or you both find replacement tenants and both move out. Check your lease agreement to see what your obligation to your landlord is should one of you decide to terminate it early.

[shooks716]

I have experienced something similar.. although my now ex wasn't quite as harsh. I ended up staying with him for six months more than I should have... and I was absolutely miserable.

 

I think you should explore your options. Find out what happens if you break to your lease and talk to your landlord. Offer to help find a replacement if moving out is all you're worried about. Trust me.. the longer you live with someone, the more intertangled all of everything gets. Staying there because of the lease is only going to make things harder for you.

 

It's hard only knowing bits and pieces of what's going on... but maybe you should let him take you to dinner. Men are brought up to be "breadwinners" and finances can often make them super stressed. Stress can bring a lot of odd behavior. I don't think it would hurt to hear him out.

[blondiepants]

I guess. I'm just so pissed at him right now, that I can't feel any sympathy for him. He has been awful to live with and be around. I still am going to the gym - I need it right now.

[kizik]

Wow. Amazing how people have neglected to say this:

 

He is treating you like sh*t. Absolute sh*t. Why in the name of God are you with someone who is calling you a C*nt. And what happened to you in the past that you think this is acceptable treatment?

 

It is absolutely reprehensible the way he is treating you. No amount of stress is an excuse. There is no excuse. You need to move out ASAP. What a f*cking d*ckhead.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I know a guy who JUST went through this exactly (although he and his gf hadn't been together nearly as long as you and your bf, so it was more a result of not knowing each other well enough). He ended up making a facebook group to find her a new roommate and then moving out

 

I agree with kizik though--what he said and did to you was completely unacceptable, and taking you out one night isn't going to make up for it. There is obviously a serious issue going on here with respect, and I think you probably deserve better.

[sb129]

Yes I missed the C8nt part. Sorry. It does sound like he is treating you poorly, and personally I wouldn't put up with this, but you DO need to have an adult talk without fighting about where you are headed and what you are going to do about the lease in the event that you split.

[xpaperxcutx]

Yes I missed the C8nt part. Sorry. It does sound like he is treating you poorly, and personally I wouldn't put up with this, but you DO need to have an adult talk without fighting about where you are headed and what you are going to do about the lease in the event that you split.

It doesn't just sound like it, it's happening right now. And there is no way that a dinner is gonna ever fix anything. She needs to move out. Because this type of abuse would only accumulate into physical abuse. If anything, OP, can you try to terminate your lease? Because nobody in their right mind would go home just to get yelled at.

[reservoirdog1]

I agree with some of the others... you need to get out of that toxic situation. He sounds like a complete a$$ho1e with the ability to be abusive.

 

Having said that, I'm going through something similar, though without the abusiveness. GF and I are parting ways; we moved into a leased house together ten months ago. Fortunately we have really great landlords who are very understanding. They're going to be trying to rent out our place prior to the end of our one-year lease; if they can't do it, either GF or I will continue to live there until the term is up. For the time being, GF and her two kids are staying, and I'm doing the couch surfing thing. It can be done.

[blondiepants]

I don't know why I am putting up with this. My confidence has definitely diminished. A guy friend noticed how shy I am around guys now and said "Umm, this is the opposite of how you used to be... what's going on?"

 

He doesn't respect me, and I don't know that he ever really has. I never got treated respectfully, and I think that partly it is my own fault. We got together in college - there were no dates, no romance, etc... it was a college-y situation along the lines of "we hung out in a group, then started hooking up at parties, and now we're bf and gf." I didn't demand it at the beginning, and now that I'm realizing I need respect, it just isn't there.

 

I never required "effort" in the beginning... and now I do. I think that maybe when a relationship is not founded involving respect, maybe it gets stuck there?

 

I'm pretty upset about the "cunt" line. I can't get over it. I am incredibly stessed about this whole situation.

[KinAZ]

I'd say meet him for dinner and let him know that you're going your separate way. I know that laws vary from state to state, but considering the fights and name calling you have cause to break the lease agreement (according to people's court). :-X

 

LEAVE HIM.

 

You may still love him and just hate the way he's acting. It could be a combinations of things which led to him acting like a jerk. But the fact of the matter is... you stay with him and forgive him, he'll think you've accepted this behavior, and he's more likely to do it again.

 

IMHO, he's lucky he doesn't have glass from a couple of kitchen plates still lodged in his forehead. Seriously, there is NEVER any cause for anyone to be so disrespectful. If it's simply an "anger problem" then he's clearly too immature to be in such a relationship, and needs to get some help for that.

 

I say talk it out with him, go to dinner with him, and if you're at all worried, have a friend come to your place to help you get your things out. I would not stay there.