anne1707 Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM. Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her. In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me. Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me. Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married. How do I get over this? What is he trying to do?
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 How do I get over this? What is he trying to do? 1st... You got played. Learn to recognize it! OM never loved or cared that much about you. No long term plans... just short term booty. When you offered him a good way out... he took it. Now... why stay married? Why would you settle for something? A better man will always be out there... so why waste your time trying to make this work?
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Dont you mean that her husband deserves better? My best advice for him if he ever sees this and for all the men out there if you have a wife like this you be better off kicking her to the curb. Anne you made this situation, you did this to yourself, I wish I could help you but I really dont condone affairs. You got played. Bottom line. accept it and move on. Your husband is probably a cool guy and your gonna be all alone & used up. and psycologically messed up. I know it's not want you want to hear, but what you need to hear. If anything give your husband a divorce so he can be happier in a long run. I dont think women like you in your mind frame are meant to be good wives.... sorry. 1
Author anne1707 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 I agree totally that my husband deserves better and I do want to make our marriage work. I want to move on from all this mess. As for saying the OM did not care, I don't believe that. This affair started nearly three years ago, he has talked of marriage, I have met his children, and only a couple of months ago he gave me the key to his house saying I could turn up and move in whenever I wanted. Up until now, he has been very loving and caring. I want to stop feeling the way I do about him but I have unanswered questions getting in the way. I am looking for another job as I know that will help in making my marriage work. In spite of what some of you may think, I love my husband very much but there are problems we need to sort out if we are to work and part of that includes me getting over the OM.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 I agree totally that my husband deserves better and I do want to make our marriage work. I want to move on from all this mess. As for saying the OM did not care, I don't believe that. This affair started nearly three years ago, he has talked of marriage, I have met his children, and only a couple of months ago he gave me the key to his house saying I could turn up and move in whenever I wanted. Up until now, he has been very loving and caring. I want to stop feeling the way I do about him but I have unanswered questions getting in the way. I am looking for another job as I know that will help in making my marriage work. In spite of what some of you may think, I love my husband very much but there are problems we need to sort out if we are to work and part of that includes me getting over the OM. The minute you stop beliving that drivel and start accepting that you was used just like most OM use their victims. And really what would have gained a man who cheats with married women who uses them? I mean what would you have really gained. He was a scumbag. Your still in that dreaded fog! you need to snap outta it. That sounds pretty disgusting giving one woman who's already married a key to his house, in front of his kids, then once that's over finds someone else to play with. I bet you anything the new OW has that key now and she's met his kids. Trust me, he's not thinking about you. Guys like that usually dont.
Author anne1707 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 He did not give me the key in front of his kids. He also does not like introducing somebody to them unless it is serious so I suspect that they have not met her yet. As for him not having loved me, I don't agree with that. However his behaviour this last week at times has been unpleasant and then it will also be as if like old times. I don't know whether he is actually over me, or is he just trying to hurt me or what. I also cannot figure out why if he wants a full relationship (something he clearly stated he wanted with me only 2 weeks ago), does he see someone else who I think may also be married.
cyabye Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 OMG. I do not even know what to say about this. You obviously can care less about your husband. You deserve NOTHING. You obviuosly must of told OM that you wanted to work on your marriage and he says fine c'ya and you are hurt from this? Women like you DO NOT belong in a meaningfull relationship. Your husband deserves better but it is NOT you. I can't see any remorse from you about OM. The only thing you are concerned about is his new GF. If I was your husband and knew you were doing this, I would kick your arse to the curb. Even if you weren't "played", OM moved on after you wanted to make your marriage work which is what you SHOULD have done in the first place. What a mess. The only person's feeling that should matter now is your husbands. He probably doesn't even know about the OM. cyabye
Author anne1707 Posted July 18, 2008 Author Posted July 18, 2008 My husband does know actually. And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one. He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed. I want my marriage to work.
cyabye Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 Ok. Does your husband know you are constantly wondering about your ex OM? Does he know you are hurting from it still? Just wait. Your husband's anger and resentment will surface once the fog clears. I promise you that. Interesting to see how this turns out if you report back. cyabye
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 The ONLY way this is going to work is if you GET AWAY FROM OM. QUIT your job if you have to...work out some other method to meet bills...SOMETHING. Because you will NOT heal, your marriage will NOT heal as long as you're in contact with OM. Basically...you aren't "ending" an affair with him...YOU'RE STILL IN IT. You're still meeting with him, still talking with him about the "might have beens", still emotionally connected to him...and every day while you're doing this...you're STILL betraying your husband. Do you REALLY want to fix your marriage? Take vacation while you're looking for your job. Take a leave of absence. Quit...do SOMETHING that gets you out from where you're at and puts a REAL end to all of this between you and OM. Anything less at this point is just PRETENDING to end the affair and trying to make things work. Your H deserves better than that...he's already given you a second chance...and you're already squandering that one away too. Think about it.
soda Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 As for saying the OM did not care, I don't believe that. The man does not care about you. He said and did what he had to for a booty call. This is the truth. If you truly want to make your marriage work, you need to stop thinking about the OM, stop all contact, and stop worrying about how he's treating you. If you intend to make your marriage work, you need to be done with OM. That includes finding a new job.
carhill Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 My husband does know actually. And yes, I feel terrible about what I have done to him. I don't deserve another chance but he is prepared to give me one. He is showing amazing strength of character throughout all of this and it leaves me feeling ashamed. I want my marriage to work. OP, that's good news Now is a perfect time to get both of you to MC and start the process. Make the appointment today.... Within MC, both of you can work as a team to make a recovery plan. You each will have your own work. The OM was just a symptom of something else. If you both want your marriage to work, it can. If if doesn't, MC can help you clarify those reasons. I wish you well
NatoPMT Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 You can see my earlier post for background but basically I am trying to deal with the end of an affair. I want to make my marriage work but I need to deal with my feelings for the OM. Four weeks ago, I said I could not leave my husband so we stopped seeing each other. But we work together and right up until the point when I said I would leave my husband to be with him, he was encouraging me to do that eg sending me texts saying he wanted to spend his life with me, telling me he loved me. He then tells me has subsequently met someone else and that he loves her. In hindsight, I realised he used exactly the same words as me in telling me he could not give me what I wanted. Though in the time all this was coming out, he told me that he had only that week opted not to do something as it would mean he would not be able to see me as much and he kissed me. Trying to get through work this week has been terrible. He refuses to talk about us though will be quite pleasant if talking work or anything else. He knows I still love him and yesterday he was obviously happy to see me and told me I looked lovely when we were alone. Yet when I responded, he told me I was making him uncomfortable at work. His behaviour at times has almost been as if he is the one who has been hurt this week, not me. Why does he encourage me to leave to be with him and then say he can't do it? How can he love someone else so quickly? Only 3/4 days earlier he was telling me he loved me and that was when he and I were not seeing each other. Why does he say/do things which even now indicate that he still loves me? And then get upset when I reciprocate. I even suspect that this new woman is also married. How do I get over this? What is he trying to do? Hi Anne what hes trying to do is irrelevant you get over this by stopping trying to understand OM and focusing on you, your husband and your marriage i feel the questions should should be asking yourself arent why is the OM doing this, but why did you do this to your husband, why are you refusing to allow the OM to derail your attention being on your marriage, why do you need to understand him to move on? dont allow the OM to govern your thoughts any longer. Your thoughts are under your control and if you are asking these questions, you arent allowing your marriage a chance. Get thee to MC
lkjh Posted July 18, 2008 Posted July 18, 2008 When are women going to learn that we will lie to them for sex. Guys do not want to be just your friend in most cases, they want easy sex.
cyabye Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 When are women going to learn that we will lie to them for sex. Guys do not want to be just your friend in most cases, they want easy sex. Most will NEVER learn and that is mostly the reason why marriages end in divorce when a woman cheats etc. Most will always think the grass is always greener. There are a lot of men who prey just on married women who's marriage is in trouble just for this reason. Tell them what they NEED to hear and the next thing you know ....... cyabye
Author anne1707 Posted July 21, 2008 Author Posted July 21, 2008 I am now seeing the OM in his true light. He has told me today that he only started seeing this new woman after we split though he did know her before. He also told me that he has no feelings for me whatsoever. It was a clean break 4 weeks ago and that was that to him. So when I pointed out to him that he was encouraging me to leave my husband up to just over a week ago, sending me several texts including one only a few days before he told me about her saying he wanted to spend his life with me, his response is that he can't remember that! Its pathetic. No explanation whatsover. I did tell him that possible explanations are that either he backed out when it became too real or that he was deliberately trying to hurt me by encouraging me to do what I have done. Either way, he is a b*****d. If he also had no feelings for me, then why text, why flirt. He even flirted with me last week after he had told me there was no future for us. He has shown himself to be incompetant of holding on to a real relationship or being able to cope with feelings. I know I have been horrible to my husband but even I think I deserve better than the treatment I have had. At least I know I really did love him. My feelings towards him now range from anger to pity. In some ways he is ridiculous because he cannot handle what he says he wants. At his age, he should grow up and I am definitely better off without him. All that this does, it just emphasise how much of a fool I have been when I have a wonderful, loving husband. I really hope that he and I can work through this. We both know it will be hard and that we can only deal with the immediate problems first before we get down to fixing what was wrong in the first place for it to lead to me having an affair. We are talking about things, we hug each other when its tough and also agree that sometimes it is too painful to talk. Hopefully though we will get through this initial shock and pain to start rebuilding our marriage.
troubadour Posted July 21, 2008 Posted July 21, 2008 anne1707, Do you think that there is some basic human decency left in you to divorce your husband and give him a fresh start in life. He does deserve it after what you have put him through. You have to admit you owe him at least that much... a fresh start in life. But instead doing this you decided to use him once again... this time you are using him to alleviate a pain and void created by an end of your EMR. I have rather very liberal views when it comes to relationships and I am quite aware that it is very diffioult for some people to stay monogamous in long term relationships like marriage. But it does not mean that they have a right to play with feeling and lives of other people like you are doing it with feelings and life of your husband. You have nothing to offer to him becouse you do not want him. You just do not have any other options at this time. You got you ass kicked in your EMR in a worse possible way and you feel like complete idiot now. So now you decided to rebuild your marriage. How long will this desire last? anne1707, what would happen if suddenly you get a phone call from your OM begging you to forgive him and to to marry him. I think we both know the answer. Would you rather stay with your husband and work on rebuilding your marriage. I doubt. And admit that deep down you are dreaming about situation like this. In your other thread you claimed a profund love for yor husband and talked about very deep level of intimacy which you two share. I asked you how you could cheat on him for a period of three years having these feelings for him. You did not answered... there was nothing logical you could say. You were thinking only about yourself and your feelings for OM only during that time. Did you care about your husband at all and if yes how could you do what you were doing. I could understand a short fling... after all we make mistakes... but something like this. And now you are using him again becouse you feel lonely and cheated... and you have no other options at this moment. If you have any feelings for your husband at all... just leave him alone and let him live his own life. You have already created enough problems for him. I did not mean to be to harsh but you are doing to your husband exactly what your OM did to you... don't you agree. It is just my $0.02
Author anne1707 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 I can totally understand your viewpoint and can see how it looks from the outside. But it's not as simple as that. My H is aware that I still have feelings for the OM and also believes that I have still not fully resolved the situation on whether I really want to be with him, that I really do choose him. It would be foolish of me to deny this as I know there is some truth in it. Yes, I still have feelings for the OM. I wish I didn't but its not possible to just stop overnight. However if he asked me to get back together, I suspect I would say no. The things he has said and done over the last week or two really have made me question how genuine he is in relationships. There are so many contradictions in what he says and does and he has manipulated the situation (by continued texting etc). In spite of what you think, I love my husband very much. Even now there is a bond between us which is incredibly strong (although I do realise that he will leave me if it takes too long for me to fully come back to him). I know that up until a few weeks ago, I never wanted to leave my husband. It's almost as if I panicked and just got carried away with emotion when my husband and I had a really bad argument and the OM started to back off. Strangely I think that if he had not told me about the new woman, I would not have told my husband and the affair would have come to a quiet end. However part of me is in some ways glad (not the right word but I can't think of a more appropriate one at the moment) that this has all come out. Apart from seeing OM as he really is, it has meant that all the lies have been laid bare. My husband knows the truth and it gives us the chance to deal with what has happened, talk about why and see if we can make it work. I know some have suggested counselling and we have done that in the past so to some extent we actually do already know why this has happened (my husband would be the first to admit that his actions have played a part in all this - he had an affair about 7 years ago). We may or may not go back to counselling but this has given the ability to talk, express how we feel, listen and ask questions whilst trying not to be judgmental (not always easy but its the only way to really get through this). I feel so stupid in the way I have behaved, especially over the last couple of weeks. But I don't want to hurt my husband anymore. We both feel as there is a chance for us to be happy together and want to take it day by day for now - no pressure from e.g. booking a holiday together - It may not work but that is for us to decide. I know I do not want to live a double life any more.
LifesontheUp Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I do not wish to worry you anymore than you probably are but your relationship does not have the incredibly strong bond that you think it has. If it did, your husband would never have had an affair 7 years ago and you wouldn't have been having one for the last 3+ years. Yes, you are talking and thats good but I honestly believe your problems are very deep and have been there for a long time. You would benefit from going to marriage counselling if you both want this to work. Get to the bottom of whats going on here with you BOTH, you and your husband or either one of you could end up having another affair. As for the OM, you mention him way too much in your posts. In fact, I'm sure your husband would be very hurt to read your posts and see how little that he is mentioned. Come on now, your a grown woman so stop being so selfish, stop thinking of yourself and the OM and start concentrating on your husband! Someone else asked you what are you doing about work but you never answered. So I will ask you what are you going to do? Whilst you are still working with OM, you are NOT going to get over him. Each day you have contact, the chances of you picking up where you left off are still there. Why don't you show your husband how much he means to you and leave your job and cut the contact all together?
cyabye Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 You are bad news. PERIOD. Again, all you talk about is OM yada, yada, blah, blah. FACT - You have shown to be incompetant of holding on to a real relationship (uhh.. marriage). I do believe it will be a matter of time before your husband can get through the fog (too painful to talk) and leave you. He needs to. You are very selffish. You need to realize what you had (if anything) with your husband, you DESTROYED it. If that means "growing up" so be it. If I sound so harsh, well I mean all of it. From what I am reading, all you care about is OM' s feelings and yours. Your husband was your fall back plan not your first choice and nobody deserves that form of abuse. I would love to have a few beers with your husband and set him straight. Hey, why don't you show him this thread? I pity your husband, not OM. cyabye
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I concur there is too much focus on the OM. 3 years!!! of what lies, double life, deception??? Your husband may have had an affair but did he repent? did he make it up to you, did you forgive him? if so why return the favor and do this to him? I dont think you guys ever fully worked out your issues. The next thing is to go full NC with this OM, his future and your life is not your concern any longer. You say you love your husband, prove it by staying NC, and recommiting to the marriage. And if you cant maybe it's time to seperate. because after a 3 year affair how will you or your husband ever recover if your not willing to?
cherrymoon Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 I don't know whether to laugh or cry! Anne are you truly for real? Firstly i am judging you and I know I shouldn't so I apologise as I know we all make mistakes. 3years is no mistake! You want your husband, WHY? You had problems, Hey i know been there done that and wear a tattoo not a T'shirt. Grow up! You get everything your way and now you are suffering from a severe dose of real life You have been rejected. No man who sleeps with a married woman is a good guy and no married woman who sleeps with another man is a good woman, Myself included. You don't have some sort of secret stronger than anything bond with your H, if you did he wouldn't have had an affair and How the hell could you do the same thing to him,Can you not remember your hurt, the sheer pain of finding out the man you loved was with another woman? Oh look I am sorry but you are jumping from lover to husband for your selfish needs, you can't bear not to have someone love you. Your marriage is over, However only with help and a serious amount of work can you two try and have a new marriage. I can't say your H should leave you as look what one couple find acceptable in their marriage another person wouldnt. I myself am trying to rebuild my marriage after my affair and it sucks as it is just a shell of what it was before. I will work my ass off though and as for the other man well all his proclomations of love didn't really come to pass as I got more than I deserved for what I did but he got his life back and when she isn't looking he tries to contact. I changed my number, I ignore reguests and any other form of his contact because, My husband is a true man this guy just, and hear this, WANTED GOOD SEX. You need to stop thinking about the other guy and what he is doing. I know it isn't easy as yeah 3 yrs is along time but come off it all you talk about is him not how do you move on and rebuild your marriage. Last thing I am sorry for being harsh, and I am sure you are a nice person. I know I shouldn't judge and I know I have done. So I apologise for that
cyabye Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Damn. I missed the part about your husband having an affair seven yrs ago. Sorry but I did. If I had caught that before, I wouldn't have jumped you or been as harsh on you as I was. I apologize. 2 wrongs do not make a right. But you are focusing on the OM way too much for someone who wants their marriage to work. I guess your husband feels like he can't really say anything because he cheated in you first. You can make it work only if you BOTH want it too. It would have to be a fresh start with some serious IC and MC. Maybe even live separate for awhile to figure stuff out. Good luck. cyabye
Author anne1707 Posted July 22, 2008 Author Posted July 22, 2008 Again any criticism I get I deserve. I know I am incredibly lucky to be still in a position where my husband will still give me a chance. I am at work now and really looking forward to getting home to him. We have plans to go out and spend some time together - just us. I know I have been incredibly selfish and treated him very badly. I hate what I have done to him and I want to make it right. Hopefully that means we stay together. If that is not right then we will have to make another decision but for now we both want to try. Its not about second best or not wanting to be alone. I love him. I love the way we can talk together, the way we encourage and challenge each other to be better people, the way we support each other. And yes, I know some of you will be thinking "well if that's the case, why did you..." or something similar. Plus my husband whilst not knowing about this forum, does know a lot of what I have said or expressed. I am trying my best to be as open and as honest as he wants me to be - some things are best not said and that decision is a joint one. As for OM. I know I have to move jobs but I can't just leave my job. Apart from a long notice period that I would be contractually obliged to give, financially it would mean that we would not be able to afford the mortgage, etc. We don't need that on top of all our other problems. I am looking though and also asked OM today to look too. Working with OM today has also been so much easier. Because I have now seen him for what he is, it has made me realise that I have given him far too much already. I have had enough of his games and want to move on with my life. 1
opheliaapplegate Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 Hi there Anne - After reading your threads and others responses I have to say that you needed to hear the reality of your situation. We all make mistakes, like the other reply read and I too have had a LTA with a co-worker. I truly understand where you are coming from, the wondering, the confusion, the hurt, but again you need to think of your H. Having NC is diffiuclt with a co-worker - but it is possible. Keep it professional! Never allow yourself to be alone with him, if he speaks with you about anything other then work be STERN tell him you do not want to speak with him on a friendly level. You have to take a stand - your marriage, dignity and sanity depend on it. The OM is playing a game (a very sick one) he may have loved you - but ask your self what is his deifnition of love. Believe me he has no boundaries and is very mean for trying to keep you hooked. IF he truly loved you the way love was meant to be he would have respected your desicion to end the relationship. It has taken my family a long time to recover from my EMA - my husband was so hurt - I told him I would leave but he took me back I went to IC and we went MC - We have been able to rise above this and as for me it was hard to get over the OM. I had very much the same OBESSES thoughts about him but IC helped me with that. My H and I both needed to make some changes. My H was accepting of his part that lead me to feel being with another man would be better. Where I needed to work on why I let that happen. Anyway stay strong - get to counseling - there is always hope you just have to believe and end any contact with other man - If you made your decision stick to it - if its over - its over. Remember if he continues to bother you at work there are laws against that too! Look yourself in the mirror and ask: What do I see? What have I done? Why have I done it? What am I willing to do to make it better? What is my H willing to do to make it better? Keep a journal that might be helpful in organizing your thoughts and keeping yourself focused. Take care and be well!
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