An odd relapse

[Biker2007]

What happened here...?

 

I was getting by since the break-up. I have been in NC for close to 11 months. I have tried dating, but I have not felt a spark for anyone. The break was amicable, but a little lacking as far as closure was concerned. I eventually just took her actions (pulling away from me towards the end of our R) as my closure. Time to move on, but I knew it would be tough as I fell very hard and very quickly for the X.

 

I have stayed very active w/ a training schedule that has taken about 10-12 lbs off since the break-up. I returned from a European cycling vacation and came out of it in a great state of mind...then everything started to fall apart.

 

When I returned from my vacation, I started to think about the X more and more as I neared the 1 year mark of the relationship's demise...old emotions started to come back plus I have started to see her more frequently around my neighborhood. We never actually came face to face w/the near misses, but I have seen her car parked in places (closer to my house) she normally does not frequent, I have seen her running near my house (WTF?), and I have seen her more frequently around town. All these little coincidences have started to weigh on my mind.

 

I feel a bit pathetic since it has been almost a year since we were together. The last couple of days have made me feel like I am right back at square one. Have any other LSers experienced this relapse at the 1 year mark?

[CaliGuy]

Yes, it happens. More so for you because you see her often. Maybe it isn't a coincidence. Maybe she is making these change "views" happen. The best advice I can give you is to act like she died. I mean that. Because your life is going to move along with or without her in it. And since you're already on this ride called life, might as well enjoy it.

 

Keep yourself active and busy and try not to think about her so much. An idle mind is what causes us all to think about the ex.

 

(Play World of Warcraft! That'll cure ya! LOL)

[Biker2007]

Cali,

 

I admit there is a side of me that thinks these "chance" encounters are not really chance...The X is an incredibly stubborn girl, so I would be surprised if she would try the direct approach to make any contact.

 

Funny, you mentioned "died" comment. I tell myself that when the thoughts come creeping back into my early morning thoughts...those still piss me off. But, I know that is just the subconscious mind doing it's thing when I am not actively pushing those thoughts into the background.

 

I am keeping myself busy, but not having a ton of success w/ my recovery...I know keep plugging away. I suppose I could re-read No More Mr. Nice Guy...I think I am due for a refresher (not much of a gamer).

 

Thanks for the kind words and book recommendation a while back!

 

PS - Feel pretty much the same as you from your thread about changing your outlook. I have also been walking around like a cloud was hanging over me for too long...time for a change.

[confused and broken]

Normal you came back from a trip...now you are less distracted... you see her... you look good... you feel the void

Trust me you may feel like your back at square 1 but if you break NC you will feel like your back at NEGATIVE 10000000

[CaliGuy]

Cali,

 

I admit there is a side of me that thinks these "chance" encounters are not really chance...The X is an incredibly stubborn girl, so I would be surprised if she would try the direct approach to make any contact.

 

Funny, you mentioned "died" comment. I tell myself that when the thoughts come creeping back into my early morning thoughts...those still piss me off. But, I know that is just the subconscious mind doing it's thing when I am not actively pushing those thoughts into the background.

 

I am keeping myself busy, but not having a ton of success w/ my recovery...I know keep plugging away. I suppose I could re-read No More Mr. Nice Guy...I think I am due for a refresher (not much of a gamer).

 

Thanks for the kind words and book recommendation a while back!

 

PS - Feel pretty much the same as you from your thread about changing your outlook. I have also been walking around like a cloud was hanging over me for too long...time for a change.

 

Chin up, dude and I am really glad you read the book. If you don't mind can you post some of the changes you have experienced because of it? I really think it should be required reading for ALL men, not just door mat men. It really does force men to grow up, be confident in themselves and change their negative behavior.

 

Maybe it's time I read it again too

[Biker2007]

C&B,

 

Seeing the X around town did set me back a little (maybe a lot...), but I know I will not be breaking NC.

 

I still have to work on a few things before I am ready to get back in the game...and that's my focus these days.

[confused and broken]

C&B,

 

Seeing the X around town did set me back a little (maybe a lot...), but I know I will not be breaking NC.

 

I still have to work on a few things before I am ready to get back in the game...and that's my focus these days.

 

Good to hear that you will not be breaking NC... me neither

 

Once you finish those few things and get back in the game you will not care about her at all

 

I am in the same situation... there are a couple things I need to get sorted out in my life before I start dating again and I am hoping that when I get to that point my ex will disappear from my mind completely

[Biker2007]

Cali,

 

Off the top of my head...the "good book" helped me recognize the following areas that I thought I could stand to improve or change:

 

 

• Seeking approval of the X - I should not be afraid to be just me...flaws and all. Funny, this only seemed to be an issue for me when I really cared about somebody ...perhaps I was just not confident enough in myself to be just me
  
• Setting boundaries - When the X would throw her tantrums or do some BS things, I should have immediately called her on these activities and said,"this is not acceptable". I would call her on some of these moments, but I was a little late w/ my delivery.
  

These are the first two that come to mind...I am sure there are many more.

[Biker2007]

Cali,

 

Oddly enough, the X told a buddy of mine that I was "amazingly nice".

 

Maybe that translates into a doormat, but not anymore. I will not be an ass either, but this last experience has opened my eyes about how I handle the tough times in a relationship.

 

You are right, it is an interesting ride...

[Peter_pan]

hey man , yeah i think remaining nc is probably the answer here. glad you enjoyed your vacation

 

caliguy, what is this book you mention?

 

peace

[Biker2007]

PP,

 

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

 

BTW - stay off the ADs if at all possible.

 

Good luck.

[Peter_pan]

thanks matey

 

peace

[CaliGuy]

Cali,

 

Off the top of my head...the "good book" helped me recognize the following areas that I thought I could stand to improve or change:

 

• Seeking approval of the X - I should not be afraid to be just me...flaws and all. Funny, this only seemed to be an issue for me when I really cared about somebody ...perhaps I was just not confident enough in myself to be just me

 
I am the same way my friend. But I think if one's significant other is reciprocating then this isn't too much of an issue. If you love and care about someone deeply, you really want (out of the depths of your heart) to make them happy. What I think we both needed to do was temper that with more self-confidence. In other words, no go out of our way to make them happy, but indeed, just be yourself and enjoy the time you have together.
 

Setting boundaries - When the X would throw her tantrums or do some BS things, I should have immediately called her on these activities and said,"this is not acceptable". I would call her on some of these moments, but I was a little late w/ my delivery.

These are the first two that come to mind...I am sure there are many more.

 

Ah this was a big one for me. I would set boundaries and *sometimes* have repercussions for crossing them and sometimes not. I can understand how she would be confused and lose interest in me when I wasn't being absolutely true to my beliefs. If I had been, instead of letting her cross those boundaries time and time again, I would have simply chosen to walk away. I did once and she was a complete wreck. I just didn't make her suffer for them. A week later I accepted her with open arms. She knew then that she could get away with anything and as such, any remaining respect she had for me was lost.

 

In addition I was really big on "covert contracts". I would do really "nice" things for her sometimes expecting something in return, but I would never tell her that. I was doing this subconciously. I wasn't even aware of it myself. She would never ask me to do these things, I would just *do* them. And when she didn't reciprocate, I would get angry.

 

A good example is one morning we got up and she wanted to do something nice. She wanted to make me, her and her grandma a pancake breakfast. I let her make mine but then I pushed her out of the kitchen to make some for her and Grams. This was a really bad thing because I didn't let her do something good for me. Not because I didn't want it, but because I was trying TOO HARD to do things for her.

 

I'm glad you could relate to some of the things the book discusses. I really hope most men get off their duff and read this book. Even if they don't think they're a "door mat" nice guy. In my last relationship, being a door mat wasn’t an issue at all. The age/maturity difference was and the simple fact that I am past the party life. She wanted to go out and party and I did not so I was deemed "old" which is fine by me. Better to know this now than to get too emotionally involved.

 

(Plus she was a flat out liar, insecure and had many other red flags which I made note of but didn't really heed).

[critter909]

Everyone is always recommending this "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book for guys but does anyone know if there is something like that for women?

[CaliGuy]

Everyone is always recommending this "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book for guys but does anyone know if there is something like that for women?

 

From what I hear.. "Why men love b*tches..."

[Biker2007]

I am the same way my friend. But I think if one's significant other is reciprocating then this isn't too much of an issue. If you love and care about someone deeply, you really want (out of the depths of your heart) to make them happy. What I think we both needed to do was temper that with more self-confidence. In other words, no go out of our way to make them happy, but indeed, just be yourself and enjoy the time you have together.

 

Seeking approval of the X: Agreed - I believe I went to fast w/ the X physically, and this just added to the confusion (small issues would get blown out of proportion) as I tried to please her. She would like it when I sent her a text in the morning or call at night if I was traveling for work...when things started to go south, she started to say no need to do that...I was so damn frustrated trying to please her. I could have easily relaxed a little, but I started trying too hard to please her. This just pushed her away!

 

Ah this was a big one for me. I would set boundaries and *sometimes* have repercussions for crossing them and sometimes not. I can understand how she would be confused and lose interest in me when I wasn't being absolutely true to my beliefs. If I had been, instead of letting her cross those boundaries time and time again, I would have simply chosen to walk away. I did once and she was a complete wreck. I just didn't make her suffer for them. A week later I accepted her with open arms. She knew then that she could get away with anything and as such, any remaining respect she had for me was lost.

 

In setting boundaries, I realized it's not what I say but how I say it...probably applies to many more areas as well.

 

"covert contracts"

I am combining something here from another book...5 Languages of Love; I knew that I like it when I get words of affirmation from my significant other if I do something for her. I said this to her and she felt like I was trying to change her. Again, probably way too much emphasis on things early in the relationship when we should have just been having fun w/ no expectations!

 

Applying info from these "self help" books is great, but we just have to use a little common sense...I was trying to please my "dream girl" and lost my self for a while. I too also ignored some red flags...just hope I am a little more objective next time.

[Biker2007]

Critter,

 

I have heard some female friends say, "He's Just Not That Into You" is a good read.

 

Any females have an opinion here?