Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I wasn't sure where else to put this. But it's kinda a breakup situ so I'll stick it here. Been single a year. Around 9 weeks ago someone at work became interested in me. I was interested in him, but I was kinda wary. I wasn't in any rush to do anything about my interest. Anyhow, he was also in a relationship at the time so I was definitely unwilling to go there. Next thing I hear, he's sleeping on the floor at a colleague's place and his relationship was over (turned out SHE kicked him out). Putting aside my romantic feelings, I'm pretty much a kind-hearted person. So... I offered him temporary lodgings at my place because I have a 3 bedroomed house. Yes, you could say I had an alternative motive and I'm not ashamed in admitting that... but I still didn't actively do anything about it. I didn't intend to do anything about it either. I'm pretty strong willed in that I can resist making advances on someone when I know they're not in a place to deal with it. That was the viewpoint I took initially. Long story short, the guy moved in, things were great as friends to start with. Then he actively started pursuing me and wanted a relationship. Thankfully, although things did progress to a point, I actually maintained a sense of perspective and I actually put the brakes on and said 'woah, you're rebounding' and so, to take the pressure off him (and me) I took a massive step back. I could sense and feel that he wasn't that into me and it was a convenience thing for him (sexually). It was difficult for me, but I managed to remain friendly with him, but kept him at arms length too. I was all good with that. I didn't bitch or complain, in fact I was very nice and supportive to him. I explained that I hadn't minded what happened - but I was looking for more than he could give. I was direct and honest. I didn't play games. At the time, I thought he was kinda okay with it too. Then start the mind games from him. One moment he's saying how beautiful I am, then the next how he doesn't want a relationship. Then the next he was saying how we could continue 'seeing' each other and see how it works out. The next he was so distant I hardly knew he was in the house. I wasn't confused by this because I was well aware that basically he didn't know where his head was. So I avoided rising to it. The thing is, I've seen enough of this here on Loveshack to recognise classical rebound rollercoaster behaviour. I knew nothing was in it for me long term and so after 6 weeks of this kind of thing, I asked him in a polite and friendly manner, to start making some plans for moving out. Afterall, our arrangement had only been for 12 weeks tops. So two weeks ago, he moved out. I was kinda sad that I'd taken a chance on someone but it hadn't worked out. I was happy though that I'd been sensible enough to not let it go any further. Meanwhile this guy is telling me that whilst we're 'separated' (his word not mine) we can still see each other, I can come over to his etc... and he would 'punch the lights out' of anyone else who asked me out. So it was a classical 'I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you' thing. It wore me down and in the end I was kinda jaded by it. I just took the stance of 'uh what-evah'. In the middle of all this, I had a cancer scare week before last (I had breast cancer 6 yrs ago) and I had to go be scanned to check out a couple of lumpy areas on the scar from my original surgery. Normally, I don't take anyone with me because I find it hard to deal with watching people I care about not being able to do anything. Anyhow amidst all this - the guy is texting me with his half-assed "we must meet up soon" texts and not really taking it any place. Plus, I can spot being played a mile off. So because I'm jaded with his attitude (afterall I don't want all this, I was happy to keep it friendly) and I'm stressed with my own situ, I basically reply to one of his woe-is-me texts and say 'look, I got my own shyte to deal with at the moment, gimme a break huh" and it's the first time I was harsh with him. He was kinda shocked and basically it came out I had to go to hospital. At that point he about-faces and insists on coming with me. I refuse. It's not his place to be there and I didn't want him there. But somehow he makes me think he doesn't believe me and I'm pulling some sort of sympathy stunt. So I relent and allow him to come with me, so he can see exactly what kind of trauma I have to endure every time I have to be scanned. I don't think he believed me at first but he sure did afterwards. Basically, after that he kinda dropped contact with me. Literally dropped me like a hot brick. It wasn't because of the hospital visit, I'm sure of that. I think he was playing games all along. Trouble is, when he left my place, he left some fishing kit in my outer shed. I was a bit fed up with that because it felt like another excuse for him to play more games and to come back at some point. A week passed and he made no effort to contact me. I was getting pretty annoyed by this time as I'm not a junk storage facility. So I SMS him a week ago and ask him politely to give me a date and time he would like to come pick his kit up. He tells me 'after work on Tuesday' (that's today). So I agree and tell him that the kit will be outside my shed and he can come collect it when he is ready. So, literally zero contact since that moment. I don't hassle him, I don't bitch or complain... even though, actually I feel like I've been used and abused good style and made to feel like it's all my fault (some things he said, he called me mean etc). Today I leave work at 4pm mindful that I have to get home to put the kit out for him to collect. Now, bearing in mind that we were whilst house sharing, giving each other rides home... he knows pretty much the time I leave work. It's always around about 4pm. When I leave today, he has already left. Yes, I know... I could sense it coming when I realised this too. So I get in the car and start driving. Then the following text messages get swapped: [16:08] Text: I came to collect fishing gear as arranged, doesn't seem to be here. [16:11] Reply: I'm still at work, as you know when you left. Might have helped if you said what time, I'm not a mind reader. I wasn't going to leave it out to get nicked. [16:13]Text: erm, I said it would be after work, you said you would leave it by shed [16:16} Reply: Yes, after work. Usually means after one gets home. You can either wait or pick it up again. Your choice. I'm on the way home. [16:18] Text: I've left now C I didn't reply to that last text message. I have a very good feeling that he did this on purpose. My intention was to leave the kit outside the house AFTER I got home. That's what I had communicated to him. The very fact that he knew I was still at work when he left indicates that he knew very well the kit wouldn't be there and he's simply being an arse now. He's also doing the 'cold shoulder' treatment at work and making my working environment really uncomfortable. I can cope with the work situation, but I'd like some advice on how to proceed with this situation now. Obviously, I have no intention of forming any further attachment or relationship to this guy at all. Even if he begged me, he blew it with his constant games. I don't intend replying to that last text message as the way I see it, it's his stuff - he should be the one doing the running around. I'm thinking that the less I contact him, the better. The less he knows about how mad this is making me, the better. I'd like to maintain the facade of dignified silence - until he requests his kit back. At which point, I will ask for a date and time and will leave his kit outside, unattended as requested. I'm not for playing games anymore. But then I was the sensible one who backed away because I didn't want to play games to start with.
Raiatea Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 If he's ignoring you at work and creating a hostile work environment, that could be considered harassment. Would it be worth speaking to someone higher up that can deal with these issues? And leave his fishing stuff outside! He's not living with you any more, you said when he could pick up his things, he decided to misunderstand and so get angry with you when you weren't there. You have given him a chance to pick up his things, so now leave them outside where he can get them even if you're not there. He sounds like an immature *******. Good for you for not getting involved!
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I'm not going there with the work issue. If he wants to be a dick and be immature - let him. I will maintain a strong and dignified facade if it kills me. If anyone asks me, I will inform them that I don't know what they are talking about. I have a very good reputation at work for being someone who gets things done, letting this shyte loose could damage that and I'm not about to let him do that to me. He can only harrass me if I let him. It's difficult at the moment because it's raw, it will get easier over time. So his stuff you reckon to just dump outside...?! Will need to think carefully about this because this guy has already proved himself capable of purposely misreading things and purposely being difficult when there has been no real need to be. I don't want to be accused of purposely damaging his kit or allowing it to be stolen. Plus I haven't got the funds if that happened and he sued. Will think about this though. My main concern right now is that there's always something to come back to me for and I pretty much want shot of him - but it's how to do it.
Raiatea Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Actually what you said about work sounds really good. If you deny that anything is wrong between you two, then it may make him look like an idiot. I can understand not wanting to complain to superiors, it can damage work reputations (as I am very aware of). Seems to me like you have got it all under control! And if you don't want to leave his stuff outside then perhaps give him an ultimatum e.g. if you don't pick up your things by XXX date/time then I will list your items for sale on Craigslist. Ok maybe that's too severe, but can you email him something like that (maybe not the selling part!) so that you have something in writing? Then if he does threaten you, you have the proof that you tried to give him his belongings back and be accomodating. Is he the type of guy who would arrange to come over at a particular time, then not turn up just to keep you waiting and hope to annoy you?
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Ok maybe that's too severe, but can you email him something like that (maybe not the selling part!) so that you have something in writing? Then if he does threaten you, you have the proof that you tried to give him his belongings back and be accomodating. Is he the type of guy who would arrange to come over at a particular time, then not turn up just to keep you waiting and hope to annoy you? That's a good point putting it in writing actually. I might do that. In fact I already deleted the text messages, so maybe I need to reiterate what I said initially too. As for what to do with the crap...? Hm, I'm not too fussed with it. I'm not in any rush but I'm slightly irked that I'm being used as a junk storage facility. It seems to me that he's left it here to either (a) annoy me (yep, that worked) and to (b) keep it somewhere he knows it will be safe and not in the way. At one time I would have said he'd agree to a date and time and he'd stick with it. But now, who knows...? He's proved himself to be pretty cowardly and I think he left this afternoon because (a) he didn't want to face me and (b) because he knows when the kit is gone, I have no further reason for interaction with him. That's what's irritating me tonight, I wanted this over with today! Grr! Why are people like this..?! So frustrating.
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Chinook, don't play anymore. Just bring the fishing gear to work and loudly announce to everyone that you've run out of room so you can't store his gear anymore, in a way to make it seem like it was strictly a business arrangement.
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Chinook, don't play anymore. Just bring the fishing gear to work and loudly announce to everyone that you've run out of room so you can't store his gear anymore, in a way to make it seem like it was strictly a business arrangement.LMFAO!!! I would so love to do that. Really. But I know the people at work pretty well and if I take anything of this to work, it's not going to be him which looks to be neurotic and people will still see things which aren't there. I'm not making any scenes at work, the less people know the better. No cause for the grapevine to start twitching, is better than some cause for it to do so. At the moment I'm so mad. I've withdrawn from responding to anything at the moment. Grr!
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 LMFAO!!! I would so love to do that. Really. But I know the people at work pretty well and if I take anything of this to work, it's not going to be him which looks to be neurotic and people will still see things which aren't there. I'm not making any scenes at work, the less people know the better. No cause for the grapevine to start twitching, is better than some cause for it to do so. At the moment I'm so mad. I've withdrawn from responding to anything at the moment. Grr! Another thought. Bring his gear to work and tell him it's in the trunk of your car that you can give to him, after work. You both know each other's work hours! I would shed him like a bad smell. A guy on the rebound isn't thinking very straight.
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Another thought. Bring his gear to work and tell him it's in the trunk of your car that you can give to him, after work. You both know each other's work hours! I would shed him like a bad smell. A guy on the rebound isn't thinking very straight. I don't know why I didn't think of this to start with. I think what I may do, is go to work very early tomorrow. Take the fishing kit in with me, leave it in the staff post room on the 3rd floor wrapped in black plastic bags with his name taped to it. The door is secure and locked. He will have no excuse not to take it and I don't even have to see him. Problem solved
Trialbyfire Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I don't know why I didn't think of this to start with. I think what I may do, is go to work very early tomorrow. Take the fishing kit in with me, leave it in the staff post room on the 3rd floor wrapped in black plastic bags with his name taped to it. The door is secure and locked. He will have no excuse not to take it and I don't even have to see him. Problem solved Whoah, talk about the perfect solution! Well done!
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I would shed him like a bad smell. A guy on the rebound isn't thinking very straight. Yeah, I'd picked up on that very early on and tried to do something about it. I'm annoyed because I was reasonable and tried to keep things friendly. I wanted to prevent this issue with things being difficult at work. I just have no idea why people are such arses about things.
Author Chinook Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Okay. So I get a text telling me he's not in Uni tomorrow - asked me not to 'dump' his stuff because some of it belongs to his little boy and he'd be real upset if it was lost (guilt trip anyone). So I decided to quit messing around. He lives 10 mins from my place. I called him up and asked was he in - he started shouting me down on the phone and I said 'Are you in?' He said yes, I hung up. I went over there dropped his shyte off. End of, period. I'm feckin done.
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