Maladjusted Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Hello, I am new to this forum. To give a brief background, I have been married to my wife for a year and a half, and moved across the country to be with her. I am 30 and she is 25 The last week of June my wife out of the blue told me she wanted to seperate. I was stunned. I know that she had been stressed out over her new job but I didn't realize the toll it was taking on her. I work a standard 8 hours a day, and she sometimes is gone from 7:30am until 7:00 pm. She has told me several reasons for wanting to seperate: 1) She feels like the man in the relationship. I take care of our 1 year old son when I get off work, wash his bottles, do the laundry, etc. 2) She doesn't feel security or stability with me. 3) She doesn't like the fact that we haven't gone to church (I'm a Deist) 4) She says that she has been in relationships all of her young life (25) and has never "found herself". She admitted to me she felt like getting away by herself, yet also told me she wanted to get away with me too. 5) She doesn't feel "butterflies" when she thinks of me anymore. 6) Cultural differences. She is Hispanic and I am White 7) She feels that I married her for the wrong reasons, and that maybe she married me for the wrong reasons too. There is more, but I am not sure how relevant or helpful more would be. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor, and he told me she is not talking divorce but feels that she grew up differently than he or I did and has a much different view of the world. Currently, she doesn't know what she wants to do. She says that is why we are going to marriage counseling. It has been 2-3 weeks and it is killing me. I just don't know how to deal with things in the meantime. I don't know if I should keep talking to her or just work through the counselor. Going home is awkward. Thanks for reading.
Billy Bob Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Don't fight her on this.. If she wants to leave, let her leave. Get a legal seperation and child custody agreement drawn up ASAP. The only reason she is "unsure" of what to do is because she is not sure how she can do it on her own. She would like to sit on the fence for a while and figure out how to leave you and whether she wants full custody of the kid or not. Shock and awe! Don't be her fallback. She is making a statement that she isn't in to you anymore. Protect yourself and your assets, protect your rights to your child. And I hope you are open to the fact that there is a good chance that another man might be involved..
SingleDad Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 All you can do is really listen to her and see if you can meet her "needs". You have a 1 yo son - so please think about him and don't jump ship yet as many here will recommend. But for you own protection, do get your ducks in a row, get free first visit legal advice from several attorney's on what you are entitled to (also blocks W from retaining them), monitor your finances. Do not let her convince you to leave the house. Sleep in separate bedrooms if needed (you do not want her to gain custody or the house due to "abandonment"). You have a son you cannot leave. Focus on your son. Give your W space and love at the same time - be understanding and supportive - any arguing will just convince her to move forward with the divorce.
Woggle Posted July 11, 2008 Posted July 11, 2008 Get a lawyer and go for joint custody. If she wants out then she needs to get out. Don't stay in limbo any longer than you have to. If she feels like the man then man up and start talking about divorce. Open the door and let her fly but don't provide the emotional safety net.
Gunny376 Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 From your post your emotionally, mentally, religiously, intellectually geographically, culturally, socially incompatiable. Sorry!
Author Maladjusted Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Don't fight her on this.. If she wants to leave, let her leave. Get a legal seperation and child custody agreement drawn up ASAP. The only reason she is "unsure" of what to do is because she is not sure how she can do it on her own. She would like to sit on the fence for a while and figure out how to leave you and whether she wants full custody of the kid or not. Shock and awe! Don't be her fallback. She is making a statement that she isn't in to you anymore. Protect yourself and your assets, protect your rights to your child. And I hope you are open to the fact that there is a good chance that another man might be involved.. I agree that if she really wants to leave, she can leave. A good point on her being sure that she can do everything on her own. We have had an upcoming trip to see my family for a family reunion and she doesn't want to go. She says she will feel too "awkward". I think that she is sitting on the fence. She would not cut me out of our sons life. I know that. As far as my rights go, I should talk to a lawyer. I have no real assets to speak of so I am not concerned with that. I don't think there is another man involved and neither does the marriage counselor. He told me she is stressed about three things. 1) Money pressure 2) I won't go to church and she wants the baby baptized 3) She will have more "respect" for me if I work two jobs. I've started working on a budget and don't really care too much about church, but working two jobs is a no deal unless I absolutely have to. The counselor also told me that she doesn't have the "energy" to have sex during the week. Great, sex four times a month. I got more than that when I was single.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Do not let her convince you to leave the house. Sleep in separate bedrooms if needed (you do not want her to gain custody or the house due to "abandonment"). You have a son you cannot leave. Focus on your son. Give your W space and love at the same time - be understanding and supportive - any arguing will just convince her to move forward with the divorce. She wouldn't make me leave the house so I am not worried about that. Unfortunately, the house title and mortgage of the house are in her name. We still sleep in the same bed. I try to focus on my son and give her what she needs at the same time. I am really trying not to argue as I know she feels lost.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 I don't think there is another man involved and neither does the marriage counselor. He told me she is stressed about three things. 1) Money pressure 2) I won't go to church and she wants the baby baptized 3) She will have more "respect" for me if I work two jobs. I've started working on a budget and don't really care too much about church, but working two jobs is a no deal unless I absolutely have to. The counselor also told me that she doesn't have the "energy" to have sex during the week. Your counselor's perspective confuses me. Aren't you working full-time in the field of your choice? Why would you consider getting a second job unless it tied into goals you had set as a couple? And if you both worked such long hours, who would raise your child? The low energy / no sex is a cop-out. We all find the time and energy to do the things we want to do. Between your W and counselor, sounds like you're being double-teamed here... Mr. Lucky
Author Maladjusted Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Your counselor's perspective confuses me. Aren't you working full-time in the field of your choice? Why would you consider getting a second job unless it tied into goals you had set as a couple? And if you both worked such long hours, who would raise your child? The low energy / no sex is a cop-out. We all find the time and energy to do the things we want to do. Between your W and counselor, sounds like you're being double-teamed here... Mr. Lucky The counselor was just relaying my wife's concerns to me. He does not agree that I should work a second job. I am currently working full time the field of my choice. She has wanted me to work a second job so she could either stay at home or work part time so she can raise the baby. This isn't what we had agreed upon before we got married, but she said her feelings changed after she had the baby. I work 8 hours every day. Her job pays more, but she has a long commute to work and probably averages about 10 hours a day. Yeah, when he told me she has no energy to have sex during the week I laughed. Isn't frequent sex one of the perks of being married?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 The counselor was just relaying my wife's concerns to me. I guess I was just wondering where your concerns fit into this whole thing. Was a list of them relayed to her? Isn't frequent sex one of the perks of being married? I would say that the opportunity for frequent sex is one of the perks of marriage. Like most other things in life, your success with those opportunities is going to be based on the groundwork done in advance... Mr. Lucky
Author Maladjusted Posted July 14, 2008 Author Posted July 14, 2008 Actually, no. Since she was the one that just told me that she wanted to "seperate" we have been more focused on her than me. The counselor wants me to work on what she is having problems with and than we will come back to me. I have a few things on my list believe you me. One of the biggest problems has been her contact with her manager at work. The night she initiated the seperation, she was text messaging her male supervisor and female coworker. I have caught several text messages back and forth from her and him. I have called her out on it, and she said she had a question about an injury our son suffered (he is in a safety position at their company). There are also emails to him that have been deleted. I only know that she has his personal email address because his email address shows up in the history of her email when you try and email someone. The counselor doesn't believe anything is going on there. I don't think so either, but it still doesn't sit right with me. Now she uses her work phone for most of the messages/phone calls and it is password protected by her company.
n9688m Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 There are also emails to him that have been deleted. Well there is your answer. As for the counseling not thinking there is anything going wrong, he cannot know without your wife admitting it and he is unlikely to acuse her without clear evidence. A wife thinking about leaving + deleted email to a coworker = Affair
TrustInYourself Posted July 14, 2008 Posted July 14, 2008 Why bother with her? Why do any of us bother with our wives when they have given up.
Billy Bob Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 A wife thinking about leaving + deleted email to a coworker = Affair Hit the nail on the head!
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 I mentioned all of this to the counselor and he told me that she was just trying to fit in at her job. He did tell her like I did that whatever communication she had with him was inappropriate. After speaking with her, he concluded that he didn't think she was having an affair and I got the distinct impression that he probably asked her point blank. I know most people probably say this, but she really isn't the type of person to have an affair. After I start working on the things the counselor recommended I do, I will come back and talk with her about the communication she was having with her manager and let her know in no uncertain terms that if I see anything like that again she won't have to worry about leaving because I will do it for her.
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 I got the distinct impression that he probably asked her point blank. Yes, no doubt he did ask her. And if she didn't tell him the truth then there is nothing he can do about it. That does not change reality. Why else do you think she deleted the email? Perhaps this was an "emotional affair" or maybe it is just at the initial stages of interest/flirting. Either way maybe your wife justifies this as not an affair if it is not yet physical. Nonetheless, unless/until your wife stops all contact with this person there is 0% hope for reconciliation. It might well come down to her having to choose between you vs. her job.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Well, a coworker of hers noticed my wife down so she asked my wife's manager to speak with her. Over the course of the conversation with him two things were mentioned. 1) He referred her to a realtor to sell our house 2) He told her that a seperation worked for him and his wife The night that she announced to me she wanted to seperate is when I noticed the messages to him about the realtor. If anything, I think he was either giving her advice/trying to help her out but I don't know. She can't get out of the situation because the guy is her manager. I have never even met the guy nor do I know what if anything she is telling him now. I don't like the fact that emails were deleted and she was emailing this guys personal email address (which I now have) but I have asked the counselor his advice on this and will see what he says.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 That does not change reality. Why else do you think she deleted the email? This is what is really troubling me, because we have access to each others' email accounts. How and why she had his personal email address and in fact emailed him is what is really bothering me here.
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 Cheaters are often expert liars. Sounds just about right here.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Upon further research, interestingly enough she saved his personal email address to her email account the very same day she announced to me she wanted to seperate. I just don't know if he is giving her advice or if there was a possibility of something more there. This bugs me.
TrustInYourself Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 You're reading too much into it. I will tell you this, and it's not going to comfort you. Women don't consider separation unless they see oppurtunity to love someone else who will love them the way they think they deserve to be loved. He could be that guy, maybe not, but when you worry about it, it's going to ruin how you react with your wife. Forget him, forget your wife, focus on yourself. Focus on controlling the anger, pain, resentment. Be a good guy for your child or children's sake. If you want to hate her or love her, that's on you. Just remember you only have control over your own actions. How are you going to react to this crisis? Be a shining example of what you she deserves and the rest will take care of itself. Ah, there I am. I feel better now, remembering why I post here. LOL.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 Women don't consider separation unless they see oppurtunity to love someone else who will love them the way they think they deserve to be loved. She told the counselor there was no one else and that she was not interested in another relationship. I know I may seem like I am in denial but I am trying to consider this from all avenues.
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 She told the counselor there was no one else and that she was not interested in another relationship. My STBXW said the same thing on our first night of counseling. Then she got home late from counseling. So I checked her email the next day. Turns out she got home late from counseling because she stopped off for a tryst with the OM.
Author Maladjusted Posted July 15, 2008 Author Posted July 15, 2008 My STBXW said the same thing on our first night of counseling. Then she got home late from counseling. So I checked her email the next day. Turns out she got home late from counseling because she stopped off for a tryst with the OM. What is it that I need to be looking for? She has seemed happy with the changes that I have proposed.
n9688m Posted July 15, 2008 Posted July 15, 2008 What is it that I need to be looking for? She has seemed happy with the changes that I have proposed. The key is that you said she wants to separate. Why does she want to do that rather than just go to counseling if she has no other man and she wants to work on the marriage? If she no longer wants to separate and wants to keep going with counseling then great -forget all the rest of the stuff here. But if she does want to separate - why?
Recommended Posts