Is it worth it? Is it time to end it?

[homey76]

I've posted before, and this is my latest update. I will summarize the situation for those of you who haven't read my other posts....

 

I am a newlywed of about 7 months. We got married suddenly (in a matter of months with no prior plans of getting married) when we found out she was preganant, due to a mixture of (at least on my part), guilt, sense of religious obligation, sense of obligation to her, and pressure from both sides of the family. If I had the decision to make over again, I would NEVER have gotten married. NEVER to her. I am completely miserable in this relationship. I think we could have made decent casual friends that met up for a drink here and there, but we are NOT marriage material.

 

I do love my son. I do care about her and don't want her to suffer. I know that separation will lead to suffering no matter what, but such is life.

 

Let me list for you my reasons for thinking this should be over within a year's time:

 

-She emotionally abuses. IE - She insults me in front of family and friends using sarcasm as a thin disguise of her anger.

-I am no longer attracted to her. She makes no effort to make herself more attractive. In fact, she has piled on pounds and refuses to exercise. I, on the other hand, watch my diet, and stay in shape.

-Our love life is far lower than sub-par. Everything is very mechanical, and I avoid it as much as possible. On the other hand, she is eager, which causes a lot of tension. I don't see this changing.

-She uses the baby as a means of coercion. If I have to stay from home later one evening because of some business I need to take care of, I am guilted by "The baby misses you." "You are not spending enough time with the baby." "You are not being a good father." "You are still stuck in 'bachelor mode'", etc.

-She shares all of our problems with both of her parents, her brother, and her cousin. I have voiced my discontent with her airing our garbage for everyone with nothing but a response of multiple justifications about how it's "just fine" for her to share these things, and that I'm just over-senstivie.

-Not just in public, but also at home, she puts me down, sarcastically complains about my incompetence, how she has all the work and I don't do anything. Let me say that I am the only one supporting the family right now, and she is staying home with our baby. I like that our baby is getting attention, however, I don't think it's an excuse to do ABSOLUTELY NO housework, act like a slob, then blame it all on me when I get home.

-She is a controller. She won't let me get an XBOX, because she's against it. Screw what I think. The XBOX is not a huge deal to me. The huge deal is the fact that she has no rational basis for many of the things that she does not want me to do, but insists they WILL NOT HAPPEN because she said so. The only reason I wanted an XBOX in the first place was to relieve a little stress after the day, not to play endlessly for 20 hours at a time.

-The control issue relates to all issues in life. She doesn't like me to hang out with my friends. She wants us to be together all of the time, and does not pursue anything outside of the house. She feels I am wrong for wanting some time away from the house. I try to explain that if we spend every minute together, we'll hate eachother, but it doesn't get through to her.

-I don't enjoy spending time with her. I just flat out don't. I don't really think she enjoys spending time with me either. She has voiced her concern many a time, that it isn't what it used to be.

-Many of you may say "You have to work at your marriage" "It's not easy" "Get counseling", etc. My issue is, if it's this bad at 7 months, how's it gonna be when we're 50 years old? Will I die from a stroke from the stress? Will I just shut down? I can't live like this for that long. The essential person she is cannot be changed, and I don't want to be with that person.

-Her temper:

At any moment, her temper can go through the roof, and I will be subject to her verbal abuse and raging/yelling.

-The princess complex: Daddy always treated her like a princess. She asks me to be like him and compares me to him all the time. I will NEVER be like him. Look at the monster he's created.

-One more note: Let me add that most of these observations are not just mine. They have been made by impartial friends, family members, and other unrelated parties. I have seen woman give her a shocked look when she rails into me in public.

--------

In conclusion:

 

I just don't see it working. I would like to wait a year for her to catch up on a job, and hopefully the possibility of health insurance. I will not leave her standing with nothing. If she needs insurance for a while, I will legally separate until she is ready to take things on her own. I am very scared to leave as I am in Information Technology Support and make a menial salary at best, with student loans on top of that, and the money that it will take to fund a divorce and child support will not be easy.

 

The worst and most horrible part of this whole thing is she still thinks I am her "one and only." That we were destined to be together. It will break her heart, and mine because I hate seeing people suffer. I know it's the right thing to do, but I am a caring person, and it is so hard.

 

Your thoughts?

[quankanne]

use that year to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself (and her) by getting marriage counseling. Because no matter which way this ends up, it'll be the best thing you can do for yourself. Especially in light of her abusive behavior.

 

maybe she'll see the light and understand that you don't denigrate your spouse or make demands in a healthy relationship, maybe she won't, but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you did everything you could before making a final decision to walk.

 

my guess is that because she's not had any other model of communication with others, she expects to be the little princess in your marriage. And that it's okay to be ****ty to others.

[simpson198621]

I hear ya when you say that her "essential person" will not be changed. I feel that way about my husband.

 

But my question is this....was she that bad before the baby was born? Could it be a hormonal thing? I know I was quite crazy and depressed after having a baby. Just a thought.

[kizik]

I've never posted in this forum before, as I am not married nor divorced, and never have been, so I feel out of place. But based upon what you described, homey76, and the kind of woman she is, I don't know if ANY amount of counseling can save you from your intense unhappiness in the marriage.

 

Based upon what you described, I think you need to end it and share custody of the child. It will be a miserable process, but just the fact that you are saying you never would have married HER, etc., and that the M was based highly on religious obligation, speaks volumes to me that you WILL be unhappy for a long time if you stay in this M.

[TrustInYourself]

I've posted before, and this is my latest update. I will summarize the situation for those of you who haven't read my other posts....

 

I am a newlywed of about 7 months. We got married suddenly (in a matter of months with no prior plans of getting married) when we found out she was preganant, due to a mixture of (at least on my part), guilt, sense of religious obligation, sense of obligation to her, and pressure from both sides of the family. If I had the decision to make over again, I would NEVER have gotten married. NEVER to her. I am completely miserable in this relationship. I think we could have made decent casual friends that met up for a drink here and there, but we are NOT marriage material.

 

I do love my son. I do care about her and don't want her to suffer. I know that separation will lead to suffering no matter what, but such is life.

 

Let me list for you my reasons for thinking this should be over within a year's time:

 

-She emotionally abuses. IE - She insults me in front of family and friends using sarcasm as a thin disguise of her anger.

-I am no longer attracted to her. She makes no effort to make herself more attractive. In fact, she has piled on pounds and refuses to exercise. I, on the other hand, watch my diet, and stay in shape.

-Our love life is far lower than sub-par. Everything is very mechanical, and I avoid it as much as possible. On the other hand, she is eager, which causes a lot of tension. I don't see this changing.

-She uses the baby as a means of coercion. If I have to stay from home later one evening because of some business I need to take care of, I am guilted by "The baby misses you." "You are not spending enough time with the baby." "You are not being a good father." "You are still stuck in 'bachelor mode'", etc.

-She shares all of our problems with both of her parents, her brother, and her cousin. I have voiced my discontent with her airing our garbage for everyone with nothing but a response of multiple justifications about how it's "just fine" for her to share these things, and that I'm just over-senstivie.

-Not just in public, but also at home, she puts me down, sarcastically complains about my incompetence, how she has all the work and I don't do anything. Let me say that I am the only one supporting the family right now, and she is staying home with our baby. I like that our baby is getting attention, however, I don't think it's an excuse to do ABSOLUTELY NO housework, act like a slob, then blame it all on me when I get home.

-She is a controller. She won't let me get an XBOX, because she's against it. Screw what I think. The XBOX is not a huge deal to me. The huge deal is the fact that she has no rational basis for many of the things that she does not want me to do, but insists they WILL NOT HAPPEN because she said so. The only reason I wanted an XBOX in the first place was to relieve a little stress after the day, not to play endlessly for 20 hours at a time.

-The control issue relates to all issues in life. She doesn't like me to hang out with my friends. She wants us to be together all of the time, and does not pursue anything outside of the house. She feels I am wrong for wanting some time away from the house. I try to explain that if we spend every minute together, we'll hate eachother, but it doesn't get through to her.

-I don't enjoy spending time with her. I just flat out don't. I don't really think she enjoys spending time with me either. She has voiced her concern many a time, that it isn't what it used to be.

-Many of you may say "You have to work at your marriage" "It's not easy" "Get counseling", etc. My issue is, if it's this bad at 7 months, how's it gonna be when we're 50 years old? Will I die from a stroke from the stress? Will I just shut down? I can't live like this for that long. The essential person she is cannot be changed, and I don't want to be with that person.

-Her temper:

At any moment, her temper can go through the roof, and I will be subject to her verbal abuse and raging/yelling.

-The princess complex: Daddy always treated her like a princess. She asks me to be like him and compares me to him all the time. I will NEVER be like him. Look at the monster he's created.

-One more note: Let me add that most of these observations are not just mine. They have been made by impartial friends, family members, and other unrelated parties. I have seen woman give her a shocked look when she rails into me in public.

--------

In conclusion:

 

I just don't see it working. I would like to wait a year for her to catch up on a job, and hopefully the possibility of health insurance. I will not leave her standing with nothing. If she needs insurance for a while, I will legally separate until she is ready to take things on her own. I am very scared to leave as I am in Information Technology Support and make a menial salary at best, with student loans on top of that, and the money that it will take to fund a divorce and child support will not be easy.

 

The worst and most horrible part of this whole thing is she still thinks I am her "one and only." That we were destined to be together. It will break her heart, and mine because I hate seeing people suffer. I know it's the right thing to do, but I am a caring person, and it is so hard.

 

Your thoughts?

 

I can see that you are a very caring person. Waiting is just going to be counterproductive for both of you. I would not wait to address the issues with your wife. Why wait? It's just time for your wife to further push you away and for you to solidify the hopelessness that you are currently feeling.

 

Do you want to make it work?

 

Everyone is capable of changing. They just have to want to change themselves. You have no control over their behavior. You have complete control over your behavior.

 

If you want to effect change now, evaluate how you contribute to the current situation. What are your reactions to her behavior? What does she expect from you? What are her feelings on the situation. People who exhibit or use controlling behaviors do so from a feeling of vulnerability.

 

She may be afraid of losing you, afraid of the changes in your relationship, and depressed.

 

I'm curious, why she berates you in public. What triggers the anger? You have mentioned her actions. What are your reactions?

 

I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you have the strength and love in you to overcome the pain, anger, and bitterness your wife is putting you through. She may be truly unaware, which may seem absurd. Keep an open mind. Good luck.

[HotCarl]

How on earth did my wife marry both me and you at the same time?

 

She's my ex-wife now. Getting divorced sucked. Staying married to somebody who put me down all the time, manipulated me, and was truly unenjoyable to be around, sucked more.

 

Let me add that most of these observations are not just mine. They have been made by impartial friends, family members, and other unrelated parties. I have seen woman give her a shocked look when she rails into me in public.

Me too, man. Me too.

 

When HER family started wondering why I put up with her s--t, I knew it was time to go.

[sharebear823]

Although I don't know your situation all that well, I would say that based on your most recent post, there is no way that you should stay with this girl. If you are as caring and concerned about her welfare as you say, you must know that staying with her, while you feel about her the way you do, will eventually destroy her, because there is no way that she won't know on some level, even if you try to hide it from her, how much contempt and disrespect you have for her. You are not doing her any favors at all by pretending that you feel differently than you do, and if you are not pretending, then it must really hurt her to know that you feel that way about her. You ought to let her go so she can heal her heart and then find someone who really will love her, and so that you can find someone whom you can respect as much as you obviously respect yourself. Best of luck to you!

[sharebear823]

I hope my post did not sound too harsh. Instead of saying "find someone whom you can respect as much as you obviously respect yourself," I wish I'd said something like, "You need to find someone with whom you can have a mutually respectful, honest, and loving relationship."

 

I think maybe your wife is suffering from some sort of post-partem depression, and also she is probably getting some benefit from her behavior, such as perhaps getting more attention from you when she acts that way. It's childish, but sometimes we prefer "negative attention" to "no attention."

 

I would suggest counseling whether or not you plan to stay together. You will need some guidance in order to know how to proceed whether you stay or go.

 

Good luck...

[Chrome Barracuda]

I concur and that's all I have to say about that.

[zennya]

Good luck to you. I hope that in the coming year, both of you will work things out.

[davidm]

I too married my wife because she was pregnant and have been married for 10 yrs. For the most part it has been strained and disconnected. If there is not a solid foundation the issues get much deeper when a baby is added to the mix. You are relatively early in your married relationship, so I do not know the extent of your mutual affinities. All I know is that a marriage based on the wrong reasons will make both of you miserable and resentful. It could be that you may be able to work it out and if you could for the sake of your baby it would certainly be the best. Whatever way it works out will most likely involve heartache. If you leave now you will impact your child's life and your's, but then maybe you have a chance at a real love relationship. These are only questions you can answer. I love my children and they truly mean the world to me, and that is why I tolerate a disconnected unhappy marriage. Although I am currently separated and we are going to counseling and I cannot honestly say how it will end up. Perhaps it has reached the tipping point for me. I only wish I had known the person I was having sex with better before I committed myself to her based on duty and responsibility.... All the best though because you will need all the prayer and support you can to make the right decision for you..

[Sum1'sGot2RepThe530]

You still out there homey76? What's going on?

[homey76]

Hello everyone!! Thanks to everyone who posted! This is a very painful situation, and we still haven't broken up yet.

 

I almost left her just last week, but at the last second I decided not to. She agreed to go to counseling for herself and to get counseling with me. I'm going to do it, but sometimes I wonder if it's for the best. I feel like I'm jumping the gun if I don't give her that chance now.

 

I'm I completely off base? My shrink said the sooner I made a decision the better, but then the wedding was rushed, do I really need to rush anything else??