I ,love her, but she says she doesnt feel the same

[sacg]

Hi all, new to this site and to the pain we are and have felt / feeling. With all the support and advice from you would be very much appreciated. So here goes, my story...sorry for the length.

 

I’m a 39 year old male who’s been with his soulmate for going on 7 years. Two weeks ago, she moved out of our flat and back home to her parents, saying she needed time to think, at the time she said to not look at it that’s its over. Two day later, she said she didn’t feel the same anymore…….

 

A bit of history….

 

When we met, we met with baggage. Both of us had pasts and that carried jealousy and insecurity into our relationship. In the early days I was not the best boyfriend due to accusations etc. That nearly cost me then our relationship in its second year, but I realized in time and changed.

 

My Ex has always been insecure and suffered from depression too, which didn’t help. We got back together, but have had rocky times. I know your thinking already, it’s doomed, but let me shed more light. Outside of the difficult parts we were very, very loving and close. We felt the same desires, we are very similar people, (both Arians too). We had a strong bond, connection, passion. Our sex life was the best ever, we connected very well and felt a unity when making love beyond anything else either of us had felt before. That part of our lives was probably more prominent than anything else at the time. But what I did was neglect her over the years. I’ve only realized this over many recent hours soul searching. I took it for granted and thought she would never leave me as I wouldn’t her, and I treated her wrong. I was talking to an old female friend in the early days of our relationship, and when that came out I think it started this whole process into the inevitable decline. Other things happened that made her doubt me and she slipped further into insecurity and depression I guess. Although, it was wrong, I must add I wasn’t being unfaithful or wanting another, it was more a case of bad management and slefishness.

 

Just prior to xmas, we stopped having sex. I know realize this was down to me. I have drunk and smoked puff for 5 years everyday, and looking back im thinking this has effected me and made me neglect our relationship and affect my personality. So we decided to move into our flat together in Jan of this year to really go for it and try and leave all the distrust behind us and focus on our lives and our plans to have children. To her I now see this was the “deciding” point in her life about if we could do it. I talked to her abruptly, I didn’t love her as I should have and I slowly killed the very strong feelings she had for me. She gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t stop smoking and cut down drinking, she would not have kids. I even brushed this aside. I know this is terribly disgusting, and I only see this now, but I strongly believe the drink and drugs have affected my mind and how I behave, almost ignoring glaringly obvious signs. I didn’t stop, we grew more distant through no sex, loving, etc. Then through her depression and all this she requested Prozac and starting taking it 3 months before she left. I could then see her changing more. She was getting confident, going out more, drinking more, albeit I would say acting a little wreckless in all honesty. Then she finally had the courage I guess to walk.

 

So where am I now.

 

I saw her last Thursday, which was a week after she walked out, which was a real wake up, and we talked. She said the feelings hade gone for her. She doesn’t think about me like that anymore. She’s not bothered where I am and doesn’t miss me like she should. Part of me thinks the Prozac is making this easier too, although I now understand where I went wrong. Then I started trawling the web for answers, and came across this site. I’ve tried the NC, and as of today, I know I really need to go for it. But it’s so hard, so hard. I imagine her with another person, not now, but in the future. Being intimate like we once were, and it rips me up. I can’t believe she can feel the way she does, although I can see now why she would. I’m in and out of optimism, but its slowly disappearing, but the pain does not. I guess im at the acceptance stage. I never thought we would ever be apart. I have immediatley stopped smoking and working on the drink. PArtly because of what I now know and need to change, and partly in hope she will love me again?

 

If im aware now of what casued this decline, and truly could change, do you think in time she will ever find that feeling again? Is it possible to regain whats lost, or have things gone too far? Do women ever regret or change how they feel?

 

Does NC really help, or I it just a vehicle to assist you moving on? She said to me, that’s whilst she’s not making promises, that we need to give it time and who will know what happens. Part of me yearns for her back and the other half thinks she’s just being “kind” in order for me to move on. Im in bits..

 

Any opinions on my situation would be appreciated

[Template]

Does NC really help, or I it just a vehicle to assist you moving on? She said to me, that’s whilst she’s not making promises, that we need to give it time and who will know what happens. Part of me yearns for her back and the other half thinks she’s just being “kind” in order for me to move on. Im in bits..

 

 

I can really feel your pain just by reading your story. To answer your question, NC does help because it is a vehicle to assist you in moving on. A positive out of all of this is that you've realized that you need to improve your life. However, to take it further, you need to improve your life for yourself, and not for the hope that your mate will come back to you. It's that hope that's going to make life that much more painful for you. You need to let that hope go. I know it's hard, and it will take time, but once you truly let hope go, you'll find that the healing process progresses much faster.

 

Look at it this way. You guys had a good run, and it's possible that the time has passed for this relationship. Personally when a woman tells me, "we don't know what the future holds" or something similar, they are just trying to be kind and cushion the blow. You never know however, as one day you may meet up and the chemistry may be ripe once again. I wouldn't hold my breath though. The only advice I can give, and what you'll hear repeatedly is the NC approach, and take care of yourself. Improve yourself physically, spiritually, and professionally, and emotionally you'll get there in the long run. Good luck.

[mustangsally]

Hey mate,

 

I've been there. Its terrible.

 

I think the best thing to do is to try to move on. I waited for almost two years for a guy who did the same thing to me and we never got back together. In fact we don't even talk now. Its really not worth the pain. Try not to contact her. It will be difficult in the first month or longer, but just focus on other things. I know its not the advice you want to hear and I used to HATE hearing this advice, but its really the only thing to do. When someone says they don't love you anymore, you can't do anything about it. It sucks, but you have to accept it. Maybe she'll come crawling back, but look at it like she's not going to.

[sacg]

Thanks guys, and template, i make you right on the letting down easy process. i think the main part is acceptance. thats the bit i keep changing my mind on. One minute i do, the next I cant!

 

Not even 24 hours of NC, and Im pulling my hair out. All the horrible feelings are flooding in and out of my mind. How can she not love me anymore? How can she move on without me? I think of her all day, i wonder where she is, what shes doing. She told me she don't even think of me most of the time anymore....how can it all go, and if its been going for a while, how can someone hang in there, dealing with the realisation themselves, just to esse the pain on them, if thats the case.

My head's starting to accept all this but its really hard. I keep going back to thinking what if's and how comes? I know I'm REALLY doing this NC process in the desperate hope she will miss me and will re-find that feeling she says she's lost.

I've been through a lot in my life so far, but nothing compares to this. its not just the pain, its everything, wondering, accepting, regretting, realising.

[northstar1]

Thanks guys, and template, i make you right on the letting down easy process. i think the main part is acceptance. thats the bit i keep changing my mind on. One minute i do, the next I cant!

 

Not even 24 hours of NC, and Im pulling my hair out. All the horrible feelings are flooding in and out of my mind. How can she not love me anymore? How can she move on without me? I think of her all day, i wonder where she is, what shes doing. She told me she don't even think of me most of the time anymore....how can it all go, and if its been going for a while, how can someone hang in there, dealing with the realisation themselves, just to esse the pain on them, if thats the case.

My head's starting to accept all this but its really hard. I keep going back to thinking what if's and how comes? I know I'm REALLY doing this NC process in the desperate hope she will miss me and will re-find that feeling she says she's lost.

I've been through a lot in my life so far, but nothing compares to this. its not just the pain, its everything, wondering, accepting, regretting, realising.

 

It will get better, that's all i can say.

 

From my experience, women put a lot more thought and evaluation into the health of a relationship. They may think about it for months, talking to friends, thinking about what they want and need, etc - on whether they want to exit or not. By the time they come to a decision, it's quite possible that they have already emotionally distanced themselves - so they can walk away much easier than men can.

 

 

I know it's tough to hear and accept - but for now you need to focus on moving on with your own life.

[sacg]

Very wise words, and thank you. Thats exactly what has happened, but how did i ignore it? I feel the world for her, and thought she did me. How could i ignore and she not really lay it all out before this point?

 

it seems like she gave up. I feel cheated to have been strung along for months whilst she planned out the rest of our lives...

[northstar1]

Very wise words, and thank you. Thats exactly what has happened, but how did i ignore it? I feel the world for her, and thought she did me. How could i ignore and she not really lay it all out before this point?

 

it seems like she gave up. I feel cheated to have been strung along for months whilst she planned out the rest of our lives...

 

Hard to say. You may have just been so comfortable you didn't notice if she was beginning to show any signs of change.

It really is crappy, but sometimes people's feelings change over time. Don't take it as a reflection of you or your character.

Let her go do her own thing - time for you to do yours.

[sacg]

anyone know the stats on how many women do this because theyre is someone esle. Comments from women too please?? I mean i dont think for a minute she would cheat, but maybe she's found someone new, is atracted and wants me gone now. And she wants me to go away quietly so she can happily move on, hence the polite nature.

 

I so hope not, that bombshell will hit hard

[stlnsmile]

Thanks guys, and template, i make you right on the letting down easy process. i think the main part is acceptance. thats the bit i keep changing my mind on. One minute i do, the next I cant!

 

Not even 24 hours of NC, and Im pulling my hair out. All the horrible feelings are flooding in and out of my mind. How can she not love me anymore? How can she move on without me? I think of her all day, i wonder where she is, what shes doing. She told me she don't even think of me most of the time anymore....how can it all go, and if its been going for a while, how can someone hang in there, dealing with the realisation themselves, just to esse the pain on them, if thats the case.

My head's starting to accept all this but its really hard. I keep going back to thinking what if's and how comes? I know I'm REALLY doing this NC process in the desperate hope she will miss me and will re-find that feeling she says she's lost.

I've been through a lot in my life so far, but nothing compares to this. its not just the pain, its everything, wondering, accepting, regretting, realising.

 

I just want to say that when my ex broke up with me, he gave me one gift, just one, he told me how long he had been thinking about breaking things off with me. Most people do not in the break up process get that beautiful little nugget of information. But I did. He told me he had been thinking about breaking it off for four months.......yup......four months.....four months that he got to pull his heart away from me, and yet act as if he loved me every one of those days. Four months.....he was shielding his heart from me and his feelings. I guess all I am saying is they are absolutely capable of doing this for a long time to avoid pain. Four months is a long long time to look into someones eyes who loves you and not say a word. I am thinking of you at this time, and want you to know that the people on LS will help.

[sacg]

Many thanks for that smile, I think ive established that time too. that’s why I think it is a relationship prob and not a leaving me for someone else prob. To be honest, as I said in my first post, the signs were there, I didn’t act on them as I didn’t think they were as important to finish the relationship. I know, I am blind, but that’s something im learning from this now. I would say its been going since she started to mistrust me, that was almost 3 years ago!!!!!! but I think the real crunch was when I pulled back around November of last year, and that’s when she started to set her personal deadlines and requirements I guess, without me knowing. I am as much as fault here, but Hindsight is ****

 

its funny, I feel kind of good tonight, maybe down to a couple of beers, but its been a long day. I’m afraid I broke my first NC on the first day, but mainly it was questions I had, and got the answers I didn’t want. It all seems to be helping me accept. Maybe im just kidding myself eh? Anyway, back to work tomorrow, and fully intend to leave this alone, although it hurts so. I suppose you can only cry and get angry so much. ive been through all emotions the last few days, and I guess my head is just tired. Not looking forward to going downhill again., although I know that’s inevitable.

[simpson198621]

I might be able to give you some perspective being that I am trying to break things off with my husband. Been together for 12 years. Slowly over the last 1.5 yrs, I have changed and grown up and seen things for what they are. My husband puff quite a lot too, and after I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore, he decided that he needed to stop doing it so much because he didn't have the clarity he needed to sustain this relationship. But honestly it won't make a difference in how I feel. To get to the point of having the strength to tell him I want out, I had to shut down emotionally. I am pretending right now that I am trying to find the love that we lost, but I know in my heart that it is gone and nothing he can do will bring that back. Nothing. If he never smokes, is crabby, mean or condescending again, I will never feel about him the way he feels about me.

 

I think she might be trying to let you down easy. By moving out to get some space, it gives her the distance to be able to say definitely that it is over. She probably just wants to be left alone and not talk about it anymore. Seems like if there were someone else, she would have told you because if there were someone else in my life, I would tell hubby because that would make it more final. I am in love with someone else. End of story. Know what I mean?

 

When I finally end things, I am planning on either writing him a letter and just leaving, or telling him I need some space and one of us will move out for a while. Maybe it will make the transition easier for him. Leaving a relationship is not easy and it takes a long time to get to that point. A lot of emotion goes into it, and just because we don't love the person that way anymore, doesn't mean that we don't care. Otherwise we wouldn't try NOT to hurt our significant other.

 

Don't know if any of that helps, but I hope so....

[sacg]

God, that sounds horribly to similar. I guess the truth hurts. I feel for you, and i feel more for your husband in my shoes at the pain this will eventually casue him. you were obviouly once in Love, was it very deep and a "unique" kind. Did you have something very special? did you ever ask him to stop, and he didnt, and this afffected you, or did you just naturaly grow apart? I think if i'd have quit and straightend myself out when she asked we prob would not be in this situ.

 

You say you had to shut down emotionally. this indicates control over how you feel about someone....is that really possible? Can you just turn it off?

 

How do you know what you will feel like apart fom him, if you knew he changed and was a better person, how do you know that may come back with seperation and "space"?

 

Thanks for your reply, as hard as it was to read....

[sacg]

Ok, its been a few days since I posted and I wanted to update you with what's just happened today and gain anyone’s advice.

 

I went NC around 3 days ago, and the pain has been unbearable. I've cried most days and felt awful. Everyday it was getting harder and harder to see any hope and the realization was really kicking in.

Today, on other advice, I packed up the remainder of her things and anything that reminded me off her and boxed it up. There was an expensive item that my ex had asked for me to post back, but with all the other stuff, it was too big. So today, Friday, whilst she's at work, I decided to run them over to her folks house and give them to them. The drive over was a killer, and I would say today was the worst day for despondancy. As I drove all I could think of was a life without her and her life with someone else.

 

So I arrived at her folks house and knocked on the door, quite tearful at this stage. The door opened and she was there.....my ex......looking beautiful. I almost cracked and was in shock. We both looked at each other for a moment, what seemed like an age, then I asked if we could talk. She said yes and invited me in. We talked a lot and cried a little. She was impressed that I’d identified faults in the relationship, but said not much had really changed. She did say she felt better seeing me today than she did a week ago, and that NC had made her ownder about me and feel slightly jealous as to what I may be doing. She also said she couldn’t imagine NEVER seeing me again. I said as friends, and she said no, I couldn’t do that. But at the moment things inside her didn’t feel right and she still didn’t look at me as she should. She said IF and IF anything did happen again we would be starting from scratch. Falling in Love all over again I suppose. BUT THAT WAS A BIG IF. She still said she wanted “space” and time apart as at this moment and that she doesn’t want it.

 

We cuddled and I left. She was even watching me drive away from her window.

 

Now I feel a lot better than I did driving over there, but I don’t like feeling this way just yet if you know what I mean. Its better than the pain I guess, and our minds look for the easy opinion.

 

Sorry about the length (again), but what’s your opinions?

 

Thanks again