sid3 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Although I've heard the term often, I have made the mistake of never seriously doing this in the past. And yes, I have gotten stepped on and walked all over. I'm sick of it. My question is, are these Boundaries discussed with your s/o in totality. Also does that mean the reprecussions of crossing them are put forth as well. I can hear the laughing already, but I am serious. I would like to learn something new, I'm not sure that it will help my current relationship. But ultimately I am hoping it will help me. Any thoughts?
KinAZ Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think it's important. You may not have to make a checklist and go over every minor detail, but I think those boundaries should be discussed, especially if they're things you've had issues with in previous relationships. You might not want to say "Well, Joe did this, and I hated it" but just let your partner know where those lines are. Personally, I'd feel more comfortable knowing those lines, and would probably ask at the very beginning if the other person didn't offer the info on his own. I haven't always done that in the past, and I probably should have. On some level, I think some might say it can take the romance out and put the pressure on. However, from my perspective (and at my age), I think that whoever I decide to be with should be able to have such a conversation without totally wigging out. For me, communication was the big issue. If you have a problem with something, let me know. If you need time or space, let me know. If you want/don't want me to do something, let me know. I can't deal with sulking and pouting when I don't even know what I may or may not have done. I think as long as you cover the major things, the little things you two can learn together along the way.
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sid, you first need to establish to YOURSELF what your boundaries are. No drugs around your life? No three-ways or cheating in a commited relationship? No emotional abuse? Once you decide for yourself what your hard and fast lines are, communicating them will be entirely secondary. It's not something you sit down and rattle off on a list to your SO. It's something you practice day in and day out in your own behavior and by showing the world what you will and won't tolerate and accept.
Trialbyfire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Although I've heard the term often, I have made the mistake of never seriously doing this in the past. And yes, I have gotten stepped on and walked all over. I'm sick of it. My question is, are these Boundaries discussed with your s/o in totality. Also does that mean the reprecussions of crossing them are put forth as well. I can hear the laughing already, but I am serious. I would like to learn something new, I'm not sure that it will help my current relationship. But ultimately I am hoping it will help me. Any thoughts? No one can meet boundaries and expectations they're unaware of, so yes, you need to share your thoughts. Just ensure you don't list off 4000 boundaries and expectations. Keep your non-negotiable list very small.
imbewildered Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Firstly, what we are discussing here are LIMITs rather than boundaries. These limits are derived from out personal likes, prejudices, values and principles. These are the things of tolerance and acceptability. A boundary,on the other hand, is the outer edge of your personal existence - the things of YOUR life as distinct from someone's else's life. Limits and boundaries are cousins. Once enhances the other. An example.. Your SO loves to drink Friday nights and you are abstinent by making that life choice. His drinking annoys you because his behavior becomes aggressive. You tell him that his drinking habits and his moods are not OK and you stay home. That is setting a 'limit' on what you will tolerate. He accepts your decision( reluctantly) but does not disrespect you after you articulate your postion. However, if he frequently tried to INSIST that you come out to the bar with him or tries to force you to drink, then he has crossed your 'boundary' because he has violated your personal decision making process. Boundary violation always involves disrepect. but setting limits does not .
GPFan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Sid, you first need to establish to YOURSELF what your boundaries are. No drugs around your life? No three-ways or cheating in a commited relationship? No emotional abuse? Once you decide for yourself what your hard and fast lines are, communicating them will be entirely secondary. It's not something you sit down and rattle off on a list to your SO. It's something you practice day in and day out in your own behavior and by showing the world what you will and won't tolerate and accept. Yep, in a nutshell this is it. Google "Healthy Boundaries" and go from there. Here is an article to get you started.
Author sid3 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 I am starting to get it now. Pretty much had them all along. They just changed over time and with the different women I know and have known. It's nothing I actually conciously thought of before. Now I am thinking they have apparently been crossed, thus the need to realize them.
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I am starting to get it now. Pretty much had them all along. They just changed over time and with the different women I know and have known. It's nothing I actually conciously thought of before. Now I am thinking they have apparently been crossed, thus the need to realize them. Sid- I think we all re-evaluate these from time to time. Things change in our lives, new stimuli are thrown at us...nothing wrong with taking a step back to remind ourselves of what they are.
Author sid3 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 True. But as a man, the ability to discuss such things with a new partner is a very fine line in terms of appearing needy, too emotionally and such. I won't get into the whole 'women say they want a man who communicates' I think as a guy it is best to be aware for oneself, give an inch they will take a mile sometimes kind of thing. I'd dare never say, these are my boundaries, or you have crossed them etc as that would instantly make me a little bitch in most womens' eyes. Everyone will say, never talk about your past R's with someone else. Yeah, it will cause some anger and/or jealuousy.But I think even worse for a guy is to talk about his feelings. Instant nice guy! And that is why my boundaries are invisible.
KinAZ Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 True. But as a man, the ability to discuss such things with a new partner is a very fine line in terms of appearing needy, too emotionally and such. I won't get into the whole 'women say they want a man who communicates' I think as a guy it is best to be aware for oneself, give an inch they will take a mile sometimes kind of thing. I'd dare never say, these are my boundaries, or you have crossed them etc as that would instantly make me a little bitch in most womens' eyes. Everyone will say, never talk about your past R's with someone else. Yeah, it will cause some anger and/or jealuousy.But I think even worse for a guy is to talk about his feelings. Instant nice guy! And that is why my boundaries are invisible. Everyone has a different way of putting those things out there. Sometimes, to seem macho about it, I've heard in terms of "If you're going to be with me then blah blah blah." Or, "I think I should let you know right away that I need [something]/ can't stand [something]." You don't have to whine when you say it. If it makes you feel any better, throw a bad word in there. lol I don't think it's so much what you say, but how you say it. A man yelling at you telling you that he needs you to call him sometimes too, just to let him know that you're thinking about him doesn't sound the same as a man saying it softly... unless you know the guy well enough to know that he's always loud when he's emotional.
Walk Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I'd dare never say, these are my boundaries, or you have crossed them etc as that would instantly make me a little bitch in most womens' eyes. The times I've thought of a guy as a "tool" are when he DIDN'T say what his boundaries/limits are. With my ex, if I did something he didn't like, felt it was pushing his boundary, he never said a word, so I kept crossing it. It hurt him, but he never said anything to me about it. I didn't know it was hurting him. My husband, he says flat out "You crossed the line when you did X." That's strong. That tells me he knows who he is, and knows his own thoughts. I know exactly where I stand and where he stands. Its clear, it avoids confusion and hurt feelings in the future, and I admire him for speaking his mind. Why do you think it would make you a "little bitch in women's eyes" if you spoke up about your boundaries?
Author sid3 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I didn't say talking about my boundaries would make me appear to be a little bitch. I said talking about my feelings would. I am not suggesting needs and dislikes shouldn't be discussed with a SO. What I was saying, maybe ineffectively, was that in the early stages of an R, a guy has to be weary of how he communicates such things as not to appear to be Mr. Needy. It's not a matter of trying to appear uber masculine. Showing some vulnerabiltiy is ok. That's great that you have such terrficif communication with your hubby. IMO boundaries are useless without good communication. At this point, I am considering my own limits and tolerances, for myself, not what I need to communicate with pontential stbex:eek:gf
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