Selfed Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 This is a heavy post, so i've divided it into two parts. Part One -her sexual past I'm in my early 20s, I've been in a relationship with a beautiful woman for over a year now, and we're very much in love. Thing is, she's a few years older than me and I find it hard to reconcile her more than shady past. Let me explain. She has slept with many strangers over the years in one-night stands, and she's even had a girlfriend! I've never met a woman with such a strong desire for sex, and frankly, it scares me that she's been with so many people. Furthermore, about halfway into our still current relationship, we both found out that we had an STD, and with my extremely careful (some would say boring) past, I can't help but blame her for the whole mess. I'm extremely upset because her past has directly affected me in the most private and personal area of my body. I want to spend the rest of my life with her -but her past makes me question her judgement and it paints a picture of a reckless individual. Part 2 -her drug taking past What also disturbs me is that she has taken hard drugs in her past (ecstacy), like maybe 2/3 years ago, and done so for fun. Her friends smoke pot, and I gave up those pursuits myself years ago. Recently she had a party in her house, and my girlfriend and her friends, some of whom I don't know, were smoking joints and I felt like I was way outta my depth! I felt extremely intimidated because they are all older than me but nothing like me -i've just finished college and I want to be responsible and I want to make something of myself, I just don't fit in with her friends, many of whom don't work. Help! I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but there's so much that doesn't fit in with my ethical code as a young man.
Lizzie60 Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Well... it's up to you.. if you want to spend the rest of your life with her.. at least you know what you're getting yourself into. I'm not saying it's wrong.. I'm just saying that YOU KNOW... now it's really up to you. No one can take that decision for you..
melodymatters Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 part one --------------- the past is the past. if she's given you no reason to think she'd cheat on you now, let it go. part two -------------- i know plenty of succesful, grown up, business people who smoke joints at parties. just because HER friends might not work, how weak willed ARE you ? Are you going to quit YOUR job because of it ?
carhill Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 If you want a LTR and envision a family down the road, you'll likely find yourself at odds with this woman for that kind of relationship, since some basic ethical issues are in conflict. I say this because of your quote : "I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but there's so much that doesn't fit in with my ethical code as a young man." When I was your age, I had acquaintances who used controlled substances, but I never involved myself in that culture because of my moral/ethical code. I certainly wouldn't have dated anyone with the intention of a LTR who used. Unfortunately, during the 70's and 80's, drug use was rampant so my options were limited. IMO, a little voice is telling you something. I'd recommend listening to it. Everyone changes and grows, but you'll have to decide if you accept this woman for who she is, right now, without expectation of her changing into someone who might more completely compliment your philosophy of life. I wish you well and compliment you on your maturity
Author Selfed Posted June 29, 2008 Author Posted June 29, 2008 @Melodymatters: No, I certainly won't quit my job because of it, but I don't feel comfortable around people doing drugs, especially at their age. Also, I'm not worried that she will cheat on me, that is something that I could deal with. Thank you for your reply, but I am not weak-willed and your comment is a little off-topic. @Carhill: Cheers for the reply. I guess you confirmed a big fear of mine -I have had expectations that she would change, but that is unlikely. I know I'm young, but I have learned this: that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Love may be blind, but compatibility sees all...
melodymatters Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 @Melodymatters: No, I certainly won't quit my job because of it, but I don't feel comfortable around people doing drugs, especially at their age. Also, I'm not worried that she will cheat on me, that is something that I could deal with. Thank you for your reply, but I am not weak-willed and your comment is a little off-topic. @Carhill: Cheers for the reply. I guess you confirmed a big fear of mine -I have had expectations that she would change, but that is unlikely. I know I'm young, but I have learned this: that it takes more than love to make a relationship work. Love may be blind, but compatibility sees all... Pardon me Selfed. If you stick around, you will learn that i am one of those ' tough love' posters. no disrespect intended. Don't see how i went off topic though !
AAlike Posted June 29, 2008 Posted June 29, 2008 Well - it's good that you broke it apart, because I don't think that Part Two has anything to do with her past, and honestly I think that solving the Part Two problem will solve the Part One problem. But we'll start with the Part One problem. As most people are going point out to you, the past is the past, and it's up to you how you want to interpret that. I would advise that if you're happy that it's probably better to try and just get over it, but I also understand and can relate to the fact that it's not always that easy. I know that it might feel tough to believe that someone that "sexually free" or whatever is going to want to commit to you and remain trustworthy, but the fact of the matter is that it happens all of the time and that it's kind of a natural progression - people grow up, it's as simple as that. It's up to you to decide if she has. I understand that the STD really sucks and probably makes it a lot harder to look at this in an non-judgemental manner, but that's what you have to do. If you decide that her past weighs too heavily on your perception of her character, then do both of you a favor and get out now. That leads us to part two - to me this would be a bigger problem. You said that you've done drugs before in the past, so it's not the fact that she has done drugs that's really bothering you. It's the fact that she seemingly is still in a stage of her life that you have, or at least would like to move past. I mean, my girlfriend and I have both done our fair share of illicit substances in the past, but now we're both pretty serious about our jobs and I would be quite bothered myself if I regularly came home to her taking bong hits and hanging out with a bunch of stoners. Not that it's not perfectly within her right to be doing so, but I'd be second guessing our relationship because to me it would mean that we are just not on the same page as far as immediate goals and stages of our lives. And that's the real key here, I think. Her actions in the present are, to you, not illustrating any tendencies towards wanting to get over her "wild" past. It's tough enough dealing with our loved one's pasts when we don't necessarily agree with them, but if they aren't able to show that they have evolved past them, it's damn near impossible. I think that you need to have a talk with your girlfriend and tell her that you love her and see a permanent future with her, but that you aren't 100% sure if you guys share immediate and long term goals. Maybe she'll agree with you, maybe she'll tell you that the joint smoking was a one-time thing and she'll give it up for you...who knows? But I think that the problems with the past will most likely resolve themselves once you are comfortable with how she acts in the present.
daphne Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think part 1 isn't as bad as #2, with the exception that she probably gave you an std. That's why condoms are preferable until you get really comfortable (i.e. std testing). I don't see any indication from you that she's still promiscuous now. However, it does sound like you do not share core values. This is a problem. You don't like drugs. It's not a part of your lifestyle at this point and you don't want it to be. She may decide at some point in the future not to do them, but I wouldn't count on it. It sounds like she's on teh wild side and there will probably be some other thing that she wants to do that you may not be into. I'm learning the hard way, that if I don't share core values with someone, I have to be disciplined and walk away. There are a lot of things that are negotiable (hobbies, tv shows, who showers first), but that doesn't include core values.
Jilly Bean Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 However, it does sound like you do not share core values. This is a problem. You don't like drugs. It's not a part of your lifestyle at this point and you don't want it to be. She may decide at some point in the future not to do them, but I wouldn't count on it. It sounds like she's on teh wild side and there will probably be some other thing that she wants to do that you may not be into. I'm learning the hard way, that if I don't share core values with someone, I have to be disciplined and walk away. There are a lot of things that are negotiable (hobbies, tv shows, who showers first), but that doesn't include core values. This is what I was going to say! Just slightly differently... For any relationship to have longevity traction, you have to have common core values. You don't have that. So, no amount of social compatibility will trump the lack of core values.
GPFan Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 ...I just don't fit in with her friends, many of whom don't work. Help! I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but there's so much that doesn't fit in with my ethical code as a young man.There is a lot here that doesn't fit. Take the approach of loving her now, use safer sexual practises (you may not know the full extent of her drug use, better safe than sorry), and resolve in your own mind that this relationship won't go long-term. Enjoy it (safely) for now!
imbewildered Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Help! I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but there's so much that doesn't fit in with my ethical code as a young man. THis is the classic dilemma for many men who are "in love"with shady women. I have been in ONE similar situation to yours, and her past became our present. Details aside, her past followed me around like a rabid dog. I was so torn that I saw a counselor who said two things to me which jolted me out of my fog... 1. "Could you ever trust her implicitly, without a doubt ?" 2. " PLace your personal ethics, morals and self-respect above sex and promises." I made the right decision on the spot.
stillafool Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Let me explain. She has slept with many strangers over the years in one-night stands, and she's even had a girlfriend! I've never met a woman with such a strong desire for sex, and frankly, it scares me that she's been with so many people. Well now you know how women feel. Why is it different because she is a woman? I suggest you do as we women do if we love a man. Forget about his past and look to the future.
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