Horribly Shy! (long)

[KinAZ]

When I'm shy, I'm painfully shy. And I have a horrible crush on this guy who, ironically enough, used to have a crush on me in high school. He still seems to be very attracted to me (all the signs are there, but I don't think he realizes how obvious he is), but when we were in school together I wasn't the least bit interested in him.

 

Although he his shy, he tried to hint around to see if I remembered him at all, without REALLY telling me that he remembered me or how well. Since he wasn't straight forward, I wasn't either. But we shared a couple of very strong gazes prior to this. With me being so bashful, I turned away, and both times I saw him turn his head sharply, once with a bit of an attitude it would seem.

 

When I saw him last he looked so happy to see me all I could think was "aaaaawwww." Every time I asked him anything he sort of blushed a little. We now have one another's numbers for business reasons, but as reluctant as he was I was sure he wouldn't try to make a social call. I was sooooo disappointed that he let me get away without asking to see me sometime or SOMETHING, and wondered if he was in a relationship.

 

But, in his defense, I'm so bashful that even though I think I was pretty obvious, he might not have wanted to take the risk. (NO, I'm not this shy around most men. It's rare for one to really make me blush, and that's probably why I'm so smitten.)

 

I decided to send a social text message to him and mentioned how we were both pretending not to remember one another. Later, I thought he might have felt I came across as being a little arrogant, but I thought it would be funny and it was the best I could do considering. I eventually excused myself and admitted to him that I was being rather coy, and gave him permission to call me some time, if he wanted.

 

He went on to inquire about me remembering him, and seemed happy that I did. But later he said he was "confused" as he didn't expect that I would remember him as well as I did. I hung out a couple of times with one of his friends while we were in high school, and after I mentioned his association with him, he didn't reply back. A male friend of mine told me that I might have bruised his ego or something.

 

I don't want this guy to think I'm a B*, or that I'm just playing games. I think I thought I was direct enough when I told him he could give me a call. He didn't say anything about me telling him he could call or the possibility of us meeting up, nor did he say that he was taken. I plan to sit back and see if he decides to take the initiative. But if I recall correctly, I wasn't exactly nice to him back in our younger years, so I could see why he might be hesitant, especially as I've been hiding from him and beating around the bush.

 

I figured that I would give him a week or two, and if I didn't hear back from him, I'd send another messaging asking him how he was doing and if he was single. I DON'T approach men at all, so asking him out, even for coffee or something would be the terribly difficult. I can't seem to make myself vulnerable when the other person won't either.

 

I guess my questions are whether it's reasonable to assume that I bruised his ego, and possibly came across as a little arrogant (or too blunt), and if I DO decide to be more frank about my interest, how do I put that in clear terms for a guy. (I know that sometimes men think that women aren't clear enough.)

[Keridan]

I doubt that you hurt his ego. I don't know how long ago the school stuff was, but most guys recover from that sort of thing. I know I was a frightful loser back in my day and it drove me insane. Now, everyone I know assumes I was the cool kid that everyone wanted to be. It's a little hard to care about what happened over a decade ago.

 

It's quite possible that he's so into you that he doesn't know how to react. He could very well be posting in a similar forum with the heading "High school dream girl hitting on me?". It's also possible that he's in a relationship and doesn't want to say for any of a dozen reasons (good and bad).

 

I would say your next move isn't to be romantic. Get him in a social situation with no pressure. Join others at coffee or the bar and ask if he wants to hang out. Look for something simple where the focus isn't on whether or not you two might be married someday.

 

You need a chance to get to know him and give him a chance to see how he feels. If he's into you, a small amount of flirting is probably all he needs to build up the courage to make the first move. If it's something else, you will find out in casual conversation instead of being turned down for something.

 

Good luck and wish I could be of more help!

[KinAZ]

LOL, I think you were of great help. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I guess I just don't like suspense and mysteries when it comes to certain things, and that's probably why I've never really gone out with too many "shy" guys. (Especially not one too shy to approach me.) But for whatever reason, I was struck by the cow-eyed look. hahaha

 

While I think it's a good idea to ask about the "group outing" in theory, I've seen friends take that route with no movement from their obviously interested but unassertive guys. Often it seems that the guys didn't step up because they were already... some-what involved, at least.

 

I'm not looking to tie the guy down or anything like that, especially as I'm a pretty busy lady. But I do like clarity. You do or you don't. It is or it isn't. There is no gray area with regard to interest and wanting to get to know a person better, or I will lose interest quickly.

 

Thanks again!

[Keridan]

Well, if you want it that clear, you could always grab him by the sack and say "Are these mine or not?"

 

How about if you try something more intimate than a group outting, but not committed? Coffee is always a nice start. You can make it a casual request and it gives you the time you need to feel him out, but still lets him ask for the first real date if he's into it. If he's in a relationship, it shouldn't take long for it to come out in conversation.

[KinAZ]

It's funny you say that. I once had a short lived crush on a gorgeous guy who it never would have worked with anyway as he lived in a different city, and traveled a lot. BUT, an associate, in a drunken attempt to help us move things along, (while at one of those social gatherings) stole his hotel room keys and told me to do just that. When I wouldn't grab him, she did... to show me how to do it, of course.

 

I think I would have to get over being passive-aggressive first. I'd much rather say "I think you're hott" and let him do with that what he will. I'd hate myself after saying it, I'm sure, lol but my ego isn't used to being in such a situation. Maybe I could get over it well enough to casually invite him to something, if I don't get bored before one of us decides to make a move.

[Keridan]

Maybe you should just spell it out for him. What's the worst that could happen? If he's not interested or is in a relationship, then you move on. Otherwise, you take a shot at something that could be great given a chance.

 

Some of us guys need a good shove before we are willing to risk anything. I used to be that way and hate to think how bad it could have been if I didn't get over it before I met my wife. She sure as heck wasn't going to make the first move You might need to shock him into action.

[KinAZ]

I would do just that if was sure that he wasn't the type who is afraid of aggressive women, or that my forwardness would be taken as an attempt to merely bed him. Also, if I invite, I would feel as though it was my duty to entertain. Cost-benefit analysis, and I'm not much of a gambler myself. I never would have told him he could call me if he wasn't drooling.

 

To tell you the truth, I actually thought I was shocking and forward... But a male friend of mine said that sometimes what is obvious to women is just too subtle to men. My main concern though was that I wasn't too brazen or anything like that.

 

Part of me thinks he's sitting back some where smugly enjoying my interest while sipping a latte. "I've got her right where I want her." lol

[Keridan]

You are totally overthinking this situation If you don't want to risk being anymore forward, then try to relax and put your mind elsewhere for a little while.

 

I seriously doubt he's thinking anything like that. I know how you feel, tho! I used to picture girls reading my flirty message and laughing with her friends about the stupid guy who thought he had a chance. For some reason, the girls in my imagination were just cruel. Makes you wonder why I ever dated them to find out otherwise

 

Just food for thought, but I've never known a guy to think a girl was coming on too strong unless it required a restraining order to keep her clothes on and her out of his bed. It can even be exciting if the girl makes the first move.

 

I hope you don't pull your hair out over this. From what I can tell, yer good to go if you can show a little patience.

[KinAZ]

LOL, oh don't worry, I'm not THAT worried about it. If he is enjoying a little smugness at the moment, then more power to him. I'll just count it against my karma. I was a little concerned that I might have, like I said before, come across the wrong way or some how pissed him off with a comment about some other cute guy.

 

But yeah, I'm just going to sit back and see what he does first. I'm not plotting a guerrilla attack on the man, or anything. And I guess that if I actually do make another attempt, I'll just be as straight forward as I can manage.

[Keridan]

I think you are just fine. I doubt he's that easily worried and if he is, then I think you will have other problems with him

 

He'll come around or you will do fine otherwise, like you say. I hope for his sake that he gives ya a call. A woman with a good sense of humor and a healthy outlook is a rare treat

 

Good luck again!