coffeemaker Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Howdy folks, I've been a lurker for a while and decided to post! I'd like an interpretation, am I being totally ridiculous or should I just take a hint. Here's the scenario. Believe it or not, I met this gal at the cafe in Borders Bookstore. During our first encounter, we ended up talking for about 45 minutes and then did the whole contact information exchange. After a few emails back and forth, we decided to meet at the Borders again for coffee, and to both our surprise, ended up talking for nearly four hours. I wasn't sure if I want to ask her out a real date until about 3 hours in. So, obviously I did and she accepted. The following Saturday, I took her ice skating, and I guess we were both having a good time because ended up watching a movie and having dinner afterwords before calling it a night. We both own our own businesses and work crazy hours so scheduling/timing is always an issue. Suffice to say it went well, and we both had a great time. On to date 2, in the process of scheduling the next date, we ended up bumping into to each other at the bookstore again. I know, pretty random, but both of use spend some time there to get stuff done for our respective businesses. Suffice to say, we didn't get much of anything done. Basically ended up spending the next 6 hours together and scheduled a date 3 The original plan was to go to the driving range since she just started golf lessons. Anyway, the weather didn't comply, and we just ended up watching a few movies at my place. It got a little physical, but didn't go very far. Frankly, that's fine with me - i'm not a third-date rule kinda guy. Too many risk factors in my opinion. She said she wanted to take things slow as well, so ok, i'm fine with that. Good things take time to develop. Did the whole hug/kiss goodnight and had a few flirty text messages the next day, and a few phone calls the day after. We both opened up a bit more over the phone on Thursday, and she explained her reasons for wanting to take things slowly - and having been in a similar position (just out of a relationship & starting her business) a few years ago, I actually completely understand. And, in an effort to be respectful, just invited her out to meet for drinks or coffee again. I figured we could continue opening up and talk about more substaintal things. That was Thursday night and she said she'd call today, but gasp, nothing! Now normally, I wouldn't care - stuff happens, but she's been surprisingly curteous since we met. If she says she'll call, she'll call - no games. During our last conversation she said she's deliberate when it comes to dating/relationships. I sent a text message ealier today because she didn't call and haven't got a response to that either. Of course, that's it from my end. I certainly won't be contacting her again since the ball is now back in her court. So, here's me being ridiculous. Given that she didn't call or respond to the text, and given that said she's deliberate, and has been curteous thus far, i'm interpreting her actions as a sign of disinterest. Ridiculous or should I take a hint and just move on?
OpenBook Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 She's already told you - she wants to take it slow. Taking it slow doesn't just mean sex. It also means spending time together. She is trying to pace the relationship. Let her. Ease off. She'll call you back soon enough.
xpaperxcutx Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Well you should give a her bit more time before completely moving on. Think of the scenarios, her phone might have ran out of battery, or she doesn't have it with her at this time. Give her a day or two, and if she still hasn't responded, then move on. Given the situation that she wants to take things slow, it implies that she might want to have a good time but doesn't necessary feel like having to make an effort in everything. I say go out and have some fun. It doesn't necessary have to be with her.
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 She told you in a nice and honest way to keep things slow. and she explained her reasons for wanting to take things slowly - and having been in a similar position (just out of a relationship & starting her business) a few years ago, I actually completely understand. And, in an effort to be respectful, just invited her out to meet for drinks or coffee again. I figured we could continue opening up and talk about more substaintal things. Yet you asked her out for the very next day after having an honest talk and picked up the pace. You should have said goodnight and let her call you or wait afew days before making arrangements. In your mind you thought you were being respectful, but in HER mind you were pushy. Like hello - I JUST told you I wanted to keep things simple and slow and then you ask me out for the very next day? That is probably what went through her head. Back off, give her a week or so, then call or leave a message. If she doesn't return your call, then I would take it as a hint.
imbewildered Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 Ridiculous or should I take a hint and just move on? Let me ask you a question. WHat would motivate YOU to promise to call a girl back last THursday and then NOT make that call, especially with the weekend coming up. Secondly what would be your state of mind to NOT reply to a text that she sent you. ? Whatever her reasons ( and you know as well as I do what they probably are) she is acting badly and with utter disrespect . THis is a woman's standard way of backing out or changing her mind. They just fade into the background rather than nut up and speak to you like an adult. UNless she had some kind serious personal problem or a medical emergency, and she gets back to you soon with an apology and a credible explanation, I would lose her number. Do not contact her again unless and until she speaks to you with an explanation which satisfies you. You can do a lot better than this woman .
Author coffeemaker Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 I can see both sides of the argument in retrospect - taking it slow does indeed mean with respect to time as well, so I've basically backed off. From my perspective, I definitely thought I was being respectful w/respect to the physical stuff. I do have an interest in her and don't want to push her away, so I'll wait for her to make the next move when she's comfortable. There's always the possibility that she is just backing out. So I'll give it a week or so and if don't hear back then, hey that's how it goes. In the meantime, I'll just be out and about having a good time :-) Thanks for the feedback everyone. Much appreciated
ibisflight Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 What if? She never got the text? Had some extreme business demands? You all realize that women tell each other "NEVER call him" that makes the guy RUN RUN RUN. I say crapola. If the just sprouted relationship is as good as it sounds (I can't imagine talking to someone for 4/6 hours non-stop), then put your pride in a box and give it one or two more shots. GO with how your gut felt when you were with her. Instead of playing the "see who calls first" game.... take the bull by the horns and send a bunch of wildflowers (no roses or romantic sh*t) or a canister of lolipops (no fancy chocolates, something fun/funny) to the business (or least threatening place) and ask "Did I come on too strong? Want to start over? You were just so awesome I lost my common sense." Too many people loose out simply because the archaic "dating and relationship" tit for tat rules.
Jilly Bean Posted June 22, 2008 Posted June 22, 2008 I caution you against taking her TOO literally. Up until this communication blip, I thought it all sounded wonderful. Chill - give it a few days, and see if she responds. If not, I'd call her on MON.
Author coffeemaker Posted June 22, 2008 Author Posted June 22, 2008 That's the verdict. I was being ridiculous. She called - left a VM apologizing for not getting in touch yesterday. Anyway, i've had one to many people pull the whole discourteous fade away. Will def. thank her for her apology the next time we speak.
mixwell Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 She told you in a nice and honest way to keep things slow. Yet you asked her out for the very next day after having an honest talk and picked up the pace. You should have said goodnight and let her call you or wait afew days before making arrangements. In your mind you thought you were being respectful, but in HER mind you were pushy. Like hello - I JUST told you I wanted to keep things simple and slow and then you ask me out for the very next day? That is probably what went through her head. Back off, give her a week or so, then call or leave a message. If she doesn't return your call, then I would take it as a hint. I totally agree. You said it yourself the ball is in her court. She knows you've made contact with her so just let her be the next one to contact you. I would do as WWIU and give it a week then maybe call/text her again and if you still don't hear anything take it as a clear sign she for some reason has moved on and is no longer interested. Good luck and I hope things work out for you and your newfound friend -=)
Noob41 Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 That's the verdict. I was being ridiculous. She called - left a VM apologizing for not getting in touch yesterday. Anyway, i've had one to many people pull the whole discourteous fade away. Will def. thank her for her apology the next time we speak. I would not thank her for her apology. Drop it and move on with her. You just got a little wiggy without need and paying any more attention to it will send the wrong message IMHO.
Calisto Posted June 23, 2008 Posted June 23, 2008 I would not thank her for her apology. Drop it and move on with her. You just got a little wiggy without need and paying any more attention to it will send the wrong message IMHO. Maybe thanking her is a bit much, but telling her you appreciate her leaving the voicemail explaining is nice. Then she will know in the future he likes to hear from her.
Author coffeemaker Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 So here's the update. She went from taking things slow to wanting to be "friends". Her explanation was that she didn't want to rush into another relationship since she just got of one that lasted for 5 years. Anyway, a week after her telling me what's really going on, and after thinking about it, I told her politely over email that I couldn't be friends with her and that she should give me a call once she figures her stuff out, be that 1 month or 6 months from now, and that if I was still available I'd be happy to pickup where we left off. I'm just inexplicably drawn to this one, so I cut contact mostly to prevent myself from getting any more emotionally involved. I don't want her calling me if the relationship can't progress due to things she needs to sort out. Given the attraction, that's just not good for me emotionally. And i'm not waiting around - if lighting strikes again with another lady, i'm jumping. Weirdly enough, she initiated contact over IM today, 5 days after i told her i can't be "friends". What's her deal? Is she (a) testing my resolve, (b) confused as all hell, © something else entirely? Haha, i'm amused at this point! Thoughts ladies and gents?
Jilly Bean Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 She threw you into friendzone, but she misses your attention. I would continue to nail that door shut, hon.
KinAZ Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Did she reply to your email? What did she have to say about it? If a man told me he couldn't just be friends, I would respect that and back off. So, are you positive that she got the email?
Author coffeemaker Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 oh yeah - she got the email and hasn't said a word about it and didn't even respond. I know she got the email because i got a delivery receipt. hence the amusement that she contacted me. Good for me though, I told her I was on a work related conference call and then never got back to her
sid3 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I agree with the others, she is missing the attention. She knows your interested in her and she likes that! She obviously wants to keep you around. It could be that your wiling to be patient, treating her with respect and being understanding has her wondering if she may be passing up on a good thing. Better to be amused by it than hurting from it, good for you.I'd be curious to see if you make no effort and show no interest if she'll start chasing you.....
Author coffeemaker Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 yeah - lets see what impact my zero-interest policy has. Her response or lack thereof should be interesting. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I've got a date with another candidate on Sunday and am out of town for a good friend's wedding this Thursday - Saturday (can we say candidate rich environment!). Let the good times roll
Author coffeemaker Posted July 13, 2008 Author Posted July 13, 2008 So here's the update - she asked me out last Thursday and I'm a bit perplexed... I did my part, stayed away, no contact, then got a text from her on July 4th. In the subsequent days we exchanged a few more text messages - still no phone call from either side. On Thursday I bump into her at the bookstore again (i know, that's three times i've run into her here) - play it cool talk for a bit and go of to do my own thing. We end up chatting for a bit again a few hours later and before she leaves she asks me to join her driving range for a little night of golf. Golf is her thing by the way, that was going to a previous date but for some reason or the other, just never panned out. Anyway, I left it as I'd get back to her. I don't know if i want to or should go. I'm a bit torn and surprised she asked to be honest, especially again considering the email (which she acknowledge receiving when i ran into her on Thursday). What to do what to do...
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