kizik Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 ...they'd be with you. They'd be calling you. They would have tried to make things right. Once you can realize this, you can get angry, indignant, and begin to move on. They don't love you, and if they did, you'd know it. It may or not be your fault, but it's totally over and there's nothing you can do once their feelings have changed.
v33 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Amen. I have been trying to tell myself "Oh no, she is just being stubborn!" or "She is just too embarrassed after what she did to me!" or "No, we were special, no-one understands, she still loooooves me!" But it's all a crock. You are correct, sir. If they wanted us, they would call us. They know we miss them, I am sure we made it very clear when they left. Judge the situation by what they do. If they aren't calling, they aren't thinking about you. Well, maybe they are, but they aren't coming back. Sometimes we have to accept that they are stronger than we thought, and indeed, stronger than us. Even those exes we least suspected of having strength can seem to muster it when it comes to staying away from us.
loomis Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I've got a question for ya. I agree with everything you guys are saying, but get this. She the last week she's called me twice. Once I picked up and she was like "i want you to know I'm not dating anyone, and I did mean it when I said I didn't want to be in a relationship." I was like "ok I believe you" then she calls me again like a day later and I didn't answer good old me. I'm stronger now. so I texted her and was like "sorry I missed your call, whats up?" I know this pissed her off cause I know she wanted me to call back. she just says "I was just wondering if I had any mail" keep in mind this is after I told her to change her ****ing address twice. I said "no, Ill let you know if you do" then she says "well I want to see the dog, is there a time I can come?" I said "yeah tomorrow around 3" and she never text back. So my question is, She's calling me, she's trying to get a hold of me, she's putting forth all this effort to stay in contact with me and tell me she's not dating. Why? She dumped me and I'm pretty much 90 percent over her. You think she's coming around or just toying with my Johnson? hahah Tell me
v33 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 I suppose there is only one way to find out....but it involves talking with her. Are you ready to deal with the fact that she may not want you back?
loomis Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 why would I spoil such an awesome feeling though? haha I'll see how long it goes for. It won't last long. If she won't tell me her feelings then why should I? even though i would like to get back with her, Its all up to her, she's one who dumped me. If I say anything I give up the upper hand. Not to sound spiteful but, I am.
americanrevgirl Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 This makes me feel sad, reading it. But it is the truth. You can't make something where there is nothing.
Trialbyfire Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 Sometimes you can't change certain incompatibilities, where you know the other person isn't good for you. It doesn't make anyone a bad person. Love is never enough.
YoMamma Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 ...they'd be with you. They'd be calling you. They would have tried to make things right. Once you can realize this, you can get angry, indignant, and begin to move on. They don't love you, and if they did, you'd know it. It may or not be your fault, but it's totally over and there's nothing you can do once their feelings have changed. OMG, this is sooo true! I keep telling myself this! Because if my ex truly cared about me as much as he said he did, he would have contacted me by now, he would have tried to make the relationship work instead of giving up and walking away like a coward. So my options now is to forget about the bastard and move on, cause he's not worth my time if he doesn't want me. Kinda harsh to say this to myself but, the truth hurts, and I have prayed to God almost every spare chance and every night that bigger and better things are in store for me. God knows what was in my heart and my soul as well as his. God will fix things and deal with things I cannot handle why would I spoil such an awesome feeling though? haha I'll see how long it goes for. It won't last long. If she won't tell me her feelings then why should I? even though i would like to get back with her, Its all up to her, she's one who dumped me. If I say anything I give up the upper hand. Not to sound spiteful but, I am. Loomis, this is very true, do not EVER give that girl the Upper Hand! Be the bigger person and NOT contact her. She is the one who left you, let her come back. Mom always told me to never be the shadow but the person. If you keep chasing a shadow, you will never catch up, so let the shadow chase you for a while hehe I don't know, always thought that was an interesting concept. Good luck to you all who is hurting out there. I know it's going to take me awhile still. Been NC for about 3 months.. go me I guess I'll try to move on and forget this nightmare ever happened. And remember, if our exes were so great, then... they would still be with us.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 see...this is one thing i don't get. on one hand, we're told that if they're into us, they'd call us, YET....... every other post here is about people YEARNING for their loved ones, but keeping away!! NC anyone?? so OP sorry - but just not true!! i think you're watching too much sex in the bleedin city!!!
Author kizik Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Claire, I'm keeping away from her b/c she made it clear that I wasn't that important to her. So I've given her space, space and more space. She's knows I'm into her. You ever felt like someone just doesn't care enough to work on THEMSELVES? That's how she is. And though she made me feel like everything was my fault- you know what, it wasn't. I don't watch Sex in the City, it's a ridiculous show.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 kizik i think i like you!!! we have at least one thing in common lol!! if she has made it clear to you that you aren't important to her, PLEASE try your total hardest to move on. not by running her down, or being miserable if poss, but by getting empowered!! take charge - tell yourself her loss, and go forth and multiply!!! and by sounds of you, it is really her loss!! just leave her to it, and find someone wonderful (or let them find YOU, for they will) to be happy with. :)
Author kizik Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Well here's the thing.. she's made it clear to me that I'm not important to her in the following ways: -hasn't called me in a month -prefered spending time with her parents over me -got mad at me all the time over little things She never outright said it. But anyway, she didn't have to. I wish someone would tell me to call her and let her know how much I still love her. But I know that's a bad idea, b/c she'll just say how it's not going to work out, etc. I never begged, never bothered her after the breakup. Do you guys think I made a mistake by not letting her know how much I still care? Thanks for your thoughts, Claire.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 hell kizik is that it?? (sorry for being outspoken...i'm an irish/east-end london mix with a bit of a loose tongue ) you just described women in general!!! let me give you my sterling words of wisdom - if she has her $hit to work out with parents or whoever, that's how it has to be. as her b/f, you will ALWAYS come second to them!! plus if she has probs in her life, she'll lash out at the people she feels closest to, so in a roundabout way, that she is funny with you is actually kind of a good thing!!!! she wouldn't do it to a stranger, would she?? NO!!! look - i can tell you're dying to call her - but you know what?? that would just give her more headaches! she's prioritising right now...i'd say you're #5 on her list. her parents are at the top, followed by her mates, work, whatever. BUT a wee text saying hi would do no harm, or an e-card...i think she probably does like you lots, but give her a break...she has stuff to deal with. just be fun and a supportive friend, and chances are she'll be back!! remember - people prioritise!!
Author kizik Posted June 14, 2008 Author Posted June 14, 2008 Claire, was your last BF not your #1? Because that just seems wrong to me. It feels like SH*T to not be number one in your S.O.'s life. You really think the S.O. should come second, or fifth, to the parents? And why should someone lash out on their closest friends, when the friends did nothing to provoke it? That's just unfair. How is that flattering to me?
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 i'll tell you kizik - i was totally in love with my last b/f - we were volunteers together in SE Asia, BUT my mum was diagnosed with cancer along the time we got together (before you ask, she's doing ok ) so my mother was my priority. we broke up, not only coz i was spending a lot of time with mum, but also i was bullied in a job that i couldn't tell dan about, at least not really, otherwise he'd worry. my point is - i LOVED dan!! he was part of me and it HURT me not to have him BUT my mum still came first. me trying to work out why i was bullied came second - dan took off coz he thought i didn't love him but i DID!!! i just couldn't give him what he wanted at that time. sometimes life can be harsh like that. but now - i still love dan, but he's in my past. and one day it will be like that for you too.
northstar1 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 i'll tell you kizik - i was totally in love with my last b/f - we were volunteers together in SE Asia, BUT my mum was diagnosed with cancer along the time we got together (before you ask, she's doing ok ) so my mother was my priority. we broke up, not only coz i was spending a lot of time with mum, but also i was bullied in a job that i couldn't tell dan about, at least not really, otherwise he'd worry. my point is - i LOVED dan!! he was part of me and it HURT me not to have him BUT my mum still came first. me trying to work out why i was bullied came second - dan took off coz he thought i didn't love him but i DID!!! i just couldn't give him what he wanted at that time. sometimes life can be harsh like that. but now - i still love dan, but he's in my past. and one day it will be like that for you too. That is a great story and thought Claire. Sometimes, even if you are both in love, other things can become bigger priorities, or obstacles. Whether moving elsewhere for a dream job, or family etc. Purists will argue that love should be able to withstand all these things - but sometimes, that just isn't reality. The girl I was dating went abroad to work - and in that case, it was a priority above 'us'. I can't fault her for that - it was something she always wanted to do. Sometimes life deals us cards that just don't seem fair.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 hi north!! exactly my point...sometimes life isn't so black and white - i read on here a jillion times a day that if they loved you they would do A,B and C...but life isn't like that. people have illness, bereavement, assaults, mental health issues to contend with - all sorts of things. and people HAVE to prioritise. all this stuff about how if they loved you they'd contact you i find sooooo exasperating...their mum could have passed away, their auntie could have been hurt - life ISN'T cut and dried!!!
northstar1 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 hi north!! exactly my point...sometimes life isn't so black and white - i read on here a jillion times a day that if they loved you they would do A,B and C...but life isn't like that. people have illness, bereavement, assaults, mental health issues to contend with - all sorts of things. and people HAVE to prioritise. all this stuff about how if they loved you they'd contact you i find sooooo exasperating...their mum could have passed away, their auntie could have been hurt - life ISN'T cut and dried!!! very true. i wish her nothing but the best - and one day, perhaps we will enter each others lives - but for now - we are on our own paths in life. that being said i miss her like hell and it's been hard to move on.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 OMG me too - it almost drove me to drink how much i miss dan - i even took up cycling to try to cope and i HATE exercise!!! lol!!! but...we do what we have to do.
northstar1 Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 OMG me too - it almost drove me to drink how much i miss dan - i even took up cycling to try to cope and i HATE exercise!!! lol!!! but...we do what we have to do. I hear ya. I've taken up much more exercise as well. Sometimes it's even more painful when things end, not because you don't love each other, or aren't compatible, but because of other circumstances. It's not like I can make up a list of "Things I didn't like about her" to feel better. But yeah, we just have to focus on our goals and plans, just as they are doing.
clairebear Posted June 14, 2008 Posted June 14, 2008 that's why i think it is sooo important for people here to not worry too much about arguments or falling out..it's not only part of a relationship, it's part of life. i think people here can be FAR too serious about relationships - play it by ear is my motto!!!!! if it doesn't work - deal with it, get real, and move on!!
Myst Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Agree. If they still liked or loved you theyd make sure to contact you, to ensure you're not with anybody else and to make sure their feelings are known. It takes less than a minute to send a text message or a quick email, saying they still loved you. Seriously, if they can't spare 1 minute or at most 5 minutes in their busy, busy hectic lives to send you a text/email message, then I doubt they want you back.
backto1 Posted June 15, 2008 Posted June 15, 2008 Good thread Kizik. I'd also like to add that once you learn to accept there are some things you can't change, you can instead work on changing the things you DO have the power to change.
miss_28 Posted June 17, 2008 Posted June 17, 2008 That is a great story and thought Claire. Sometimes, even if you are both in love, other things can become bigger priorities, or obstacles. Whether moving elsewhere for a dream job, or family etc. Purists will argue that love should be able to withstand all these things - but sometimes, that just isn't reality. The girl I was dating went abroad to work - and in that case, it was a priority above 'us'. I can't fault her for that - it was something she always wanted to do. Sometimes life deals us cards that just don't seem fair. YES YES YES! I completely agree with this... and i know it sucks being last on someone's list... and love does not conquer all (that's a Disney fairytale). Sometimes you get dumped/dump because they can't take putting you last on their list - the thought of hurting you eventually because their own issues and the guilt overwhelms them and they make panic-driven decisions (that they need to make at that moment in their lives). sometimes its all just a simple matter of timing (assuming you were compatible to begin with ). i always feel that the best course of action is to heal and let heal...
gummybear Posted June 18, 2008 Posted June 18, 2008 ...they'd be with you. They'd be calling you. They would have tried to make things right. Once you can realize this, you can get angry, indignant, and begin to move on. They don't love you, and if they did, you'd know it. It may or not be your fault, but it's totally over and there's nothing you can do once their feelings have changed. But what if you lied and cheated on them? And they tried to forgive you and make it work but can't and so they leave? And yes, that probably makes them no longer into me anymore. But they are left very very heartbroken still and feel betrayed. While me, on the other hand, I can be sad and cry but I can not blame them or be angry at them.
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