fkds Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Warning, a lot of background info coming up, but I can't think of any other way to write it. I think its needed... maybe I have a lot on my chest that I just need to make into words. You can always skip to the end. I hope some nice people can take the time to read and give advice. Me and my ex, Camilla, broke up at the end of January, after 4 years together. We had moved in together to a place in Oxford in December, after a period of living in different towns and not seeing much of each other for a bit more than a year (I was still at Uni in Reading, she was working in London). Things were really weird after we moved in, and I think that was partly due to our time apart, although it was rooted much before that. You see, when we first met I was in something of a state emotionally and wasn't completely ready for a relationship, not really happy or confident enough in myself (besides drinking far too much for a few months). So in many areas she was the one who was in control of the relationship, although I was confident and happy because I knew she had confidence in me. I'm generalising here, but basically she became frustrated with my inability to make decisions and to take responsibility for my own actions. However I don't think she ever approached the problem in the right way, and over time my desperation to make her happy and subsequent failure to do so would make me even less able to make decisions and take the initiative. Unsure of whether the outcome would make her happy I would make no decision, or ask her what she wanted, causing her to put more pressure on me and me more exasperated as to what she wanted, and the situation began to spiral. It was definitely worsened by her very strong emotional dependency on me - during our time apart she would want to be in contact with me at least 5 times a day, always wondering what I'm doing, who I'm with, never being completely trusting. I liked talking to her but at times she would drive me nuts! Basically she didn't have much of a life outside of our relationship and her work. After we moved in together we both moved away from our friends and so we were almost entirely co-dependant on each other for happiness and entertainment. So by the time we moved it is fair to say that the spark had died. Things had felt a bit weird, but we were still really comfortable in each others company and got along really well together. I was trying to make things work, believing that we would work it out, but she was becoming more and more unhappy with the situation - we had moved to be closer to my work and she was commuting from Oxford to London every day, so she was also really tired and we had little time to go out and do things together. It probably would have made a difference if I had moved to London, but that was completely impractical with my job location. She started talking about maybe moving back to London. One Saturday we woke up and both of us instantly knew there was something wrong. I felt sort-of annoyed with her for no good reason, and I think she was the same. I said, "I think we need to talk", she agreed and got up to go shower and have breakfast. When I got up and went to her she said, "I think I should go", to which I sullenly replied, "go then. I think you're right. I'll go out for a bit". I went out for a smoke and a walk, and when I came back she was gone, with most of her stuff. You must understand, we didn't argue much, and hadn't for the whole time after we moved. Things were very mellow, very resigned. I got an email on the Monday to say she had advertised our spare room to cover the rent. We saw each other twice in the next few weeks, very briefly when she came to get the rest of her stuff, and once when I went to London to talk to her on a whim, because I couldn't believe the situation after it hit home and wanted her to tell me to my face that she didn't love me. She did. She said she had stopped loving me, that she loved me in one way but not in the way she should. I kind of know what she means. The fire had gone for us, but I think about all our history together and I am not surprised. She said that if I had been serious about us being together I would never have got a job in Oxford, and maybe shes right. I had felt pressured by her, and didn't really know what to do after finishing Uni - I wasn't really thinking clearly. I think we actually needed a proper break from each other to make us get our own lives in working order and find out who we are as individuals again. Although I didn't know anyone in Oxford I tried to take control and have been doing lots of new things; going salsa dancing, to the gym, eating properly, seeing old friends and staying organised (something I have always had a problem with). Since we broke up I still don't feel entirely confident around people I don't know very well, something I kick myself for daily and don't know how to solve, but I think it will develop in time. I moved back to my old place in Reading 2 weeks ago, where I have some friends and a bit of a life. I had to see her when we moved out (I was sub-letting to my tenant) to see the estate agents and get our deposits etc. It was amazing to see her. We went for lunch and a little walk, some shopping, and got on better than we could have dreamed of 6 months or a year ago. I didn't feel any of the confusion or nervousness I used to. She sent me a text afterwards saying that she really missed me, and called me the following day to say she hoped we could stay friends and how great it was to see me. I called that night and she started crying, saying it was all too much for her and she couldn't talk to me about it. I havent been able to stop thinking about her. In Oxford she was on my mind every day, but I had plenty other stresses to distract me - the flat I was in was putting me more into more debt every month, work has been crazy, and my flat mate was a complete nightmare. But now I just can't get her out of my head. I went to see a French girl in Paris a month ago, who I had always flirted with but never crossed the line, who I actually probably find more physically attractive than Camilla, but it meant nothing. And when I was with Camilla I have to admit to thinking about being single and being with other women, but now I just don't know. Nothing can mean as much to me as she does. I admire her more than anyone, I think she is intelligent, talented, witty and find her more sexy than I can imagine. I think I still love her and am desperate to make the passion come back. When moving I found all the things she gave me, her clothes, makeup, little love notes, presents, cards, postcards, words she has written saying she loves me unwaveringly. It reminded me of the fire we used to feel for each other, and I can feel that fire now. I just don't know if she does. The thing is, I'm not sure if I need more time on my own now without anyone, if I need to see other women now or in the future, if she wants to see other people, if she simply isn't interested, or what to do. I don't feel comfortable around other women anyway, so I can't see that happening. She's said she doesn't want to be with anyone right now. From what I've gathered over the last few months, it seems as though she doesn't want to try even if she does feel she should be with me, that she doesn't think it would work because we have already tried. She has said she's missed me and gotten upset, she went on holiday and when she came back she said she really wanted to see me, that she'd thought about things and wasn't sure how she felt, but I wanted to leave it longer. After that she basically said on the phone that she didn't think about us having a future relationship together other than as friends. But since then we've seen each other (as I wrote above). I don't know if its just the wrong time to make a move, if I should give it a few more months. Its been nearly 5 months since she left, and I saw her last week so I think maybe I should do something while I'm still fresh in her mind. I want to just tell her how I feel but I think if I do she will just turn me down. Perhaps if I project a strong image of someone who's self sufficient, happy and confident of himself she will start to see things are different, rather than just putting my heart on the line. I was thinking of asking her to go to a comedy club in London next Friday and then out for dinner. Is that a good idea? The thing is I feel like all the confidence and control issues we were having are gone now, I think we might have a chance. As well as being good to see her its also so hard. I think I need a better understanding of how women think. Does she still love me? Is it all just futile? Thanks for your time, sorry to witter on, any advice appreciated.
4givrnt4gtr Posted June 13, 2008 Posted June 13, 2008 Reading your post made me think of something my brother told me while talking about my situation. When you are seeing someone and thinking about a long term future there cannot be any doubts. You should feel that nothing and noone can come in between and that this person although imperfect fits what you want. NOW. Oftentimes people need time apart to ponder these things. But i really think that both people should WANT to be together, even if there is fear or doubt. Once that want is there, then you can take time away from each other to see if there is more than that want. IF the person you want to be with fits you, and is able to give you what you need and you are able to give them what they need. However...BOTH need to want this. From what im seeing in your situation, she has checked out...in her mind it wont work, despite missing you. At this point theres little you can do. AND At this point is where you gotta think if you truly want to be with someone who gave up on you already. When a woman (or anyone) loves for real, they will do anything to make things work. When they give up is like saying "its not worth it" and if thats the case, you dont want them. I say keep on working on yourself and focusing on what you truly want out of a relationship. You will soon come to the same conclusion she did, and that is that you wont find what you need in the relationship with her. BTW dont idealise her, or put her in a pedestal. Acknowledge her wrongs, otherwise it'll be impossible for you to truly see what is going on here. Good luck
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