Give it to me straight

[Template]

Alright, some of you are kinda familiar with my situation, however, my actual post has fell victim to the data corruption that befell this forum.

 

A quick recap. Mutual development of feelings for this female, though she was confused and didn't want to have an LDR (knew her when she was here, then moved away). I wanted a relationship, she didn't, so I basically let her have her space to get her mind right... blah blah blah, it ended by her saying "f*(k off, leave me alone" and had a guy answer her phone (there were some details that lead to this, and some of you have read it, but for the uninitiated, trust me when I say I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke this).

 

So it's been about a month of no contact. I've made some revelations of this weird relationships, but mostly I've made revelations and learned about myself and what I need to do to be a better person (I'm making progress but I'm getting better).

 

So to make a long story short, I was always the quiet geeky guy at work that came in, did his job, and went home. Well because of this woman, and my own personal revelations, I've become more "agressive" at work. I wasn't a ass or dick, it's just I finally realized the value of my work, and skills I provided. I became more vocal, and confident in how I interacted with my workmates and bosses. So about a week ago, this job posting for a engineer was opened, a job I thought should have rightfully been mine by basis of merit alone. Instead of self loathing as to why I didn't get it, I FOUGHT for my promotion. I went in with the attitude of "This job is MINE, and I challenge you to tell me why it isn't". Well guess what, I got the promotion and I'm the new Sys Engineer.

 

Now this is where you all may roll your eyes at me, and I understand. This woman was a big part of evolution you could say. As she used to be my former boss, she recognized what I could do, and was helping me to build the person I'm today. So when I officially got my promotion I IM'd her "I don't know if you are still mad at me, or even care, but I just thought that you should be the first person I share about the news of my promotion. Your help was a big role. I hope you are doing well." Yes I broke NC. I im'd her when I knew she wasn't going to be on.

 

Personally I felt, that it was fair that I give the credit properly, and to be honest, while I still feel she's kinda nuts, and how she done me wrong, right now I really don't harbor any bad feelings for her (strangely enough). Do you guys think this was appropriate? I'm not looking for a reply, and I've stopped using my IM handles that she knew of, so she is no longer on my buddy lists. I could be weird, but this actually gave me some sense of closure. Give it me straight.

[JustInKase]

Congrats on your promotion. I see no problem with your IM. You were polite and friendly. You reached out to give her credit for the help she gave you. You left her alone for a month after she requested (rudely, it seems) for you to leave her alone. One month is plenty of time for her to realize that you are capable of leaving her alone. Now, if you sent this IM 4 days after she told you to F*&ck off, then I'd say it was inappropriate to contact her. But, I think what you did was fine. It gave you closure and didn't set you back. All good.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

Congratulations! You got the promotion on your own merit, but credited her with helping to motivate you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with letting her know that you appreciated her help. It was a polite, inoffensive message, and it made you feel better. Win win.

[Template]

So a quick update, she actually replies to me "not mad at you...congrats! that's great news!"

 

Right now this is my thought process. When she was just a friend, I thought she was a great friend. It just all went downhill when emotions got involved. While I'm pretty sure I can keep my emotions in check, I don't want to run into the chance that I might fall for her again. I think I'm doing great right now healing, and redefining who I am, and trying to be more positive, and embracing life. For the first time in my life, I have the resolve to set goals for myself, and starting to feel like I know what I want to make myself happy. Should I have her back in my life as a friend? Or is this the type of person I don't want even as a friend? I'm sure some of you have experienced something similar, so I'm wondering how it worked out for you, trying to accept a former love back in your life as friends.

 

Hit me up!

-Template

[0hpenelope]

Wow, congratulations on your promotion brother! That's awesome, amazing, etc.

 

Nah, the IM was cool. It's always nice to hear that kind of news from someone. If someone told me that I changed their life because I was there, then that's always good to hear.

 

Regarding your question... it's a little hard to say. LikeCharlotte's experiences have been unique in that she was able to keep an ex-boyfriend around and call him a really good friend of hers. That's admirable in its own way. Then there are other stories in which people just walked away and that's admirable, too - walking away from someone takes strength because there's fear in doing so.

 

I don't want to run into the chance that I might fall for her again.

 

Eh... yeah. That's why I haven't stayed friends with any of my exes at all. Someone who leaves is not worth my time. Stay gone, keep walking, don't look back because when I'm done, I certainly won't. "Thanks for the memories, but you are now just a memory." Etc., etc.

 

You're the only one who knows if you're going to fall for her again. If the time is still too delicate for you to jump the gun into friendship, then you know... walk away and let it go for now. Come back again when you feel like coming back to it. For now, if I were in your position, I'd focus on the job and how to get better at what I do.

[borelandkaren]

Alright, some of you are kinda familiar with my situation, however, my actual post has fell victim to the data corruption that befell this forum.

 

A quick recap. Mutual development of feelings for this female, though she was confused and didn't want to have an LDR (knew her when she was here, then moved away). I wanted a relationship, she didn't, so I basically let her have her space to get her mind right... blah blah blah, it ended by her saying "f*(k off, leave me alone" and had a guy answer her phone (there were some details that lead to this, and some of you have read it, but for the uninitiated, trust me when I say I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke this).

 

So it's been about a month of no contact. I've made some revelations of this weird relationships, but mostly I've made revelations and learned about myself and what I need to do to be a better person (I'm making progress but I'm getting better).

 

So to make a long story short, I was always the quiet geeky guy at work that came in, did his job, and went home. Well because of this woman, and my own personal revelations, I've become more "agressive" at work. I wasn't a ass or dick, it's just I finally realized the value of my work, and skills I provided. I became more vocal, and confident in how I interacted with my workmates and bosses. So about a week ago, this job posting for a engineer was opened, a job I thought should have rightfully been mine by basis of merit alone. Instead of self loathing as to why I didn't get it, I FOUGHT for my promotion. I went in with the attitude of "This job is MINE, and I challenge you to tell me why it isn't". Well guess what, I got the promotion and I'm the new Sys Engineer.

 

Now this is where you all may roll your eyes at me, and I understand. This woman was a big part of evolution you could say. As she used to be my former boss, she recognized what I could do, and was helping me to build the person I'm today. So when I officially got my promotion I IM'd her "I don't know if you are still mad at me, or even care, but I just thought that you should be the first person I share about the news of my promotion. Your help was a big role. I hope you are doing well." Yes I broke NC. I im'd her when I knew she wasn't going to be on.

 

Personally I felt, that it was fair that I give the credit properly, and to be honest, while I still feel she's kinda nuts, and how she done me wrong, right now I really don't harbor any bad feelings for her (strangely enough). Do you guys think this was appropriate? I'm not looking for a reply, and I've stopped using my IM handles that she knew of, so she is no longer on my buddy lists. I could be weird, but this actually gave me some sense of closure. Give it me straight.

 

 

U know what? Who cares? Right, wrong? Congratulations on the job!!!!!:)This is YOUR crowning glory. She may have helped in some ways but you still had to go and get the "Holy Grail." WELL DONE!!!!!

[miss_28]

So a quick update, she actually replies to me "not mad at you...congrats! that's great news!"

 

Right now this is my thought process. When she was just a friend, I thought she was a great friend. It just all went downhill when emotions got involved. While I'm pretty sure I can keep my emotions in check, I don't want to run into the chance that I might fall for her again. I think I'm doing great right now healing, and redefining who I am, and trying to be more positive, and embracing life. For the first time in my life, I have the resolve to set goals for myself, and starting to feel like I know what I want to make myself happy. Should I have her back in my life as a friend? Or is this the type of person I don't want even as a friend? I'm sure some of you have experienced something similar, so I'm wondering how it worked out for you, trying to accept a former love back in your life as friends.

 

Hit me up!

-Template

 

hey template... to answer your question, i personally think its too early to have her back in your life as a friend... and deep down, you may want her back as more... you're doing so well right now with a great new promotion, you have goals, things seem to be going up. Friendships, like love, happens naturally, you don't have to go out of your way thinking about how to get/keep someone in your life... what i'm saying is that there is no hurry to rekindle a friendship... in any case, you wrote her with no expectations... right? her answering back was polite, nothing more... don't push it - you may end up getting unnecessarily hurt.

 

oh, an congrats on the promo.

[sunshinegirl]

I would definitely take a *lot* more time before trying to rekindle the friendship. I am friends with only one of my four exes, and I took nearly a year apart from him (and dated a number of other people) before I felt okay about getting back in touch. Ironically, it was a year ago that we started talking again, and it was just after my current ex broke things off with me for the first time. Go figure.

[sunshinegirl]

Someone who leaves is not worth my time. Stay gone, keep walking, don't look back because when I'm done, I certainly won't. "Thanks for the memories, but you are now just a memory." Etc., etc.

 

Please, please, tell me how you've been able to adopt this mindset! Are you saying you simply don't go through the handwringing, 'what is he thinking', 'will he realize was a stupid mistake he made', missing him like crazy phases? How do you just shut things down like that, emotionally?

[Template]

Wow, congratulations on your promotion brother! That's awesome, amazing, etc.

 

Nah, the IM was cool. It's always nice to hear that kind of news from someone. If someone told me that I changed their life because I was there, then that's always good to hear.

 

Regarding your question... it's a little hard to say. LikeCharlotte's experiences have been unique in that she was able to keep an ex-boyfriend around and call him a really good friend of hers. That's admirable in its own way. Then there are other stories in which people just walked away and that's admirable, too - walking away from someone takes strength because there's fear in doing so.

 

 

 

Eh... yeah. That's why I haven't stayed friends with any of my exes at all. Someone who leaves is not worth my time. Stay gone, keep walking, don't look back because when I'm done, I certainly won't. "Thanks for the memories, but you are now just a memory." Etc., etc.

 

You're the only one who knows if you're going to fall for her again. If the time is still too delicate for you to jump the gun into friendship, then you know... walk away and let it go for now. Come back again when you feel like coming back to it. For now, if I were in your position, I'd focus on the job and how to get better at what I do.

 

Hey OP, I like your attitude I really do. Unfortunately my personality is not quite at that level where I can just walk away that cleanly from people, but I'm trying to get there. Whether I'll fall for her again, I don't know, but my gut feeling RIGHT NOW is NO!! I'm not going to lie, I obviously care for her a lot, but right now I care about my emtional well being a LOT more. But you are right, I'm focusing on my job, and not to "toot my own horn", but I am very good at what I do. I'm now enjoying my job a whole lot more, I'm asserting myself a whole lot more, and people are really starting to notice and truly give me the respect, and finally realize I deserved. My confidence is through the roof, and it just feels like I'm more empowerd over myself. Does that make sense?

[Template]

U know what? Who cares? Right, wrong? Congratulations on the job!!!!!:)This is YOUR crowning glory. She may have helped in some ways but you still had to go and get the "Holy Grail." WELL DONE!!!!!

 

Thank you! Thank you! You are correct! I have to remind myself that!

[Template]

hey template... to answer your question, i personally think its too early to have her back in your life as a friend... and deep down, you may want her back as more... you're doing so well right now with a great new promotion, you have goals, things seem to be going up. Friendships, like love, happens naturally, you don't have to go out of your way thinking about how to get/keep someone in your life... what i'm saying is that there is no hurry to rekindle a friendship... in any case, you wrote her with no expectations... right? her answering back was polite, nothing more... don't push it - you may end up getting unnecessarily hurt.

 

oh, an congrats on the promo.

 

I would definitely take a *lot* more time before trying to rekindle the friendship. I am friends with only one of my four exes, and I took nearly a year apart from him (and dated a number of other people) before I felt okay about getting back in touch. Ironically, it was a year ago that we started talking again, and it was just after my current ex broke things off with me for the first time. Go figure.

 

 

Thank you for your replies. You know what, I was thinking about it a little mroe today, and the question popped in my head, "what would I have to gain by having this person in my life today?" To be honest, nothing really. Going through this whole process I've found deeper friendships in my current friendships, and people at work. These people had no reason to be there for me, yet they truly cared about me and genuinely wanted to help me get better. And let's not forget all the wonderful people on this board. Everyone is sympathetic, unbiased, and unjudgemental, and I've really gained some insights from all of you. And on a personal level, I'm learning to appreciate myself, and live my life in a manner in which it should be lived; in the pursuit of happiness. I could always use more friends, but you are right. I am in no hurry to have or continue this friendship with this person. Besides, she knows where to find me, if she was willing to be freinds. Who knows what the future brings. Maybe one day we'll meet in the same fork in the road travelling the same path, maybe not. There are times when I think about her, and sincerely hope she's doing well, but after all is said and done, I truly benefitted more on a personal level breaking up, than when I was with her.

[0hpenelope]

Hey OP, I like your attitude I really do. Unfortunately my personality is not quite at that level where I can just walk away that cleanly from people, but I'm trying to get there. Whether I'll fall for her again, I don't know, but my gut feeling RIGHT NOW is NO!! I'm not going to lie, I obviously care for her a lot, but right now I care about my emtional well being a LOT more. But you are right, I'm focusing on my job, and not to "toot my own horn", but I am very good at what I do. I'm now enjoying my job a whole lot more, I'm asserting myself a whole lot more, and people are really starting to notice and truly give me the respect, and finally realize I deserved. My confidence is through the roof, and it just feels like I'm more empowerd over myself. Does that make sense?

 

Ah! No, no worries. I do know. I don't want you to get the impression that I'm that heartless. I'm a very sensitive person and recognizing that in myself fuels that mindset of "Just walk away, just don't look back, give them their reason for wanting to stay out of your life." False hopes have a way of skewing our reality and the best thing to do is to always focus on what works best for us.

 

I do miss Lawrence a lot. I really do. Again, knowing it makes me that much more driven to think "Stay gone. Keep walking. Don't look back."

 

My clean walks usually happens when I'm the one doing the leaving. That's usually the case, though. It's easier for dumpers. But TLB's proved to be the exception to this.

 

Good for you! I hope that things are still going well in your job.

[Ty]

Alright, some of you are kinda familiar with my situation, however, my actual post has fell victim to the data corruption that befell this forum.

 

A quick recap. Mutual development of feelings for this female, though she was confused and didn't want to have an LDR (knew her when she was here, then moved away). I wanted a relationship, she didn't, so I basically let her have her space to get her mind right... blah blah blah, it ended by her saying "f*(k off, leave me alone" and had a guy answer her phone (there were some details that lead to this, and some of you have read it, but for the uninitiated, trust me when I say I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke this).

 

So it's been about a month of no contact. I've made some revelations of this weird relationships, but mostly I've made revelations and learned about myself and what I need to do to be a better person (I'm making progress but I'm getting better).

 

So to make a long story short, I was always the quiet geeky guy at work that came in, did his job, and went home. Well because of this woman, and my own personal revelations, I've become more "agressive" at work. I wasn't a ass or dick, it's just I finally realized the value of my work, and skills I provided. I became more vocal, and confident in how I interacted with my workmates and bosses. So about a week ago, this job posting for a engineer was opened, a job I thought should have rightfully been mine by basis of merit alone. Instead of self loathing as to why I didn't get it, I FOUGHT for my promotion. I went in with the attitude of "This job is MINE, and I challenge you to tell me why it isn't". Well guess what, I got the promotion and I'm the new Sys Engineer.

 

Now this is where you all may roll your eyes at me, and I understand. This woman was a big part of evolution you could say. As she used to be my former boss, she recognized what I could do, and was helping me to build the person I'm today. So when I officially got my promotion I IM'd her "I don't know if you are still mad at me, or even care, but I just thought that you should be the first person I share about the news of my promotion. Your help was a big role. I hope you are doing well." Yes I broke NC. I im'd her when I knew she wasn't going to be on.

 

Personally I felt, that it was fair that I give the credit properly, and to be honest, while I still feel she's kinda nuts, and how she done me wrong, right now I really don't harbor any bad feelings for her (strangely enough). Do you guys think this was appropriate? I'm not looking for a reply, and I've stopped using my IM handles that she knew of, so she is no longer on my buddy lists. I could be weird, but this actually gave me some sense of closure. Give it me straight.

Yes I think it's inappropriate. Like someone said, you are crediting her for something you did. Take her off that pedestal and step back for a second. She cursed at you, told you to f off, had some guy answer the phone, and you are sending her thank you IMs?

 

The straight answer you are looking for... Reach down, grab your God-given nuts and get to steppin`. She's your ex, beneath you now, you need to start thinking like that. You don't need to say thanks for anything, don't give her the satisfaction.

 

Congrats on the job man, it’s a great feeling when you go after something you want and you get it. Just know, it had absolutely nothing to do with her, it was you reaching down and fighting for what you wanted.