lovesparis Posted June 3, 2008 Posted June 3, 2008 i have been broken up with the love of my life for 9months. 9 long months. i had a couple dates with a guy about 2 mo after my ex ended our 6mo relationship. (gawd i sound pathetic). i started dating a new guy in feb (around the 6mo mark). he's really great. he's fun, funny, loves me, is highly intellegent, and treats me like a queen... only problem is, i still think about my ex. i compare him to my ex. i try not to, but i do anyway. i love my ex. i also love my new boyfriend, but more in the way that i have loved previous bf's. in all honesty, he's a really super great guy. we have so much fun and are pretty compatable. if i'd have met him first, i think he would have swept me off my feet. i want to have a dialogue with him about this, but how does one open that can of worms; "hey bf, i think you're great and all but i still love ex" so i haven't discussed it. i was able to talk to him about his intentions. he is unsure where the future will take us, but he wants a future with me. and i decided i wanted to commit to him fully. to put all of my efforts and energy into making our relationship about us, and not about my ex and i. this was only 2 days ago... but i feel like i'm breaking up with ex all over again. i still don't honestly feel that we're finished, or that a 2nd chance isn't possible. i don't know that i can change how i feel about the future right now, but i'm going to do my best to focus on my present with Patrick, and not my past with Hans. any suggestions on actually making this work?
replicator Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 That is a tough situation. I haven't dated anyone since my ex left me, but I know the day will come when I want to. But still, I can't see how I can be with someone else. Even though she is the one who left me, I still feel loyal to her. I would feel like I'm betraying her. How crazy is that? Man, love can really mess you up.
0hpenelope Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." It's all I can offer... Even if I don't believe in it myself. I'd rather be single, thanks. I think it's a matter of perspective also. I used to have an acquaintance who waited for his ex to come back to him, even when he found someone else. Faithful though he was to the new girl - and utterly does love the new gf - he held on to hope. Until the day came when he realized that his ex was never coming back. ...So he proposed to the one he was with. He would never call her his second best in front of her of course, but compared to his ex... she is his second best. At least, in his heart. I guess that's the best example that I have that supports that quote up over there. I used to question his emotions about this... as I had problems with him being able to move on while still having feelings for the ex. I wondered if he was confused, if he deluded himself into thinking that he "loves" the new gf... but then I stopped. I was being judgmental and I hope I will never be in the position he was in. Love is just as complicated as it is wonderful. If you know your new relationship will make you happy, then I say invest in that. I guess some people will say "Noooo... what if you're settling?!" But hey. You know what's good for you and you know what's not worth doing. Just my $0.02. Strive to be happy. Life is just too short.
Nevermind Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 Maybe you should try to meet your ex. (Screams of protest in the background) No, really. You were dating for a shorter amount of time than it takes to get over him. Losing the love of your life is incredibly painful, I am going through th same thing, but we have to look forward. Maybe, he wasn't really the love of your life and you are idolizing him because you're still hurting from the break-up and are afraid of being hurt again by another. How you should go about telling your new guy this - no idea. But I think you will only be sure if you see him again. Maybe you realize he is an ugly dwarf with schizophrenia and no charme. Then you can go on with your new relationship and be fully happy. Or you realize that you are still in love with him - and you can set your new guy free to find someone who fully loves him.
LikeCharlotte Posted June 4, 2008 Posted June 4, 2008 I think you started dating too soon. You are just going to have to grin and bear it. If you like the new guy you should be honest and let him know you still have "things to work through" about the ex. If you don't like him as much as the ex and its not just a little panic or remorse creeping in then for his sake let him go. You aren't doing him any favors by not letting him find someone who thinks he is the best thing in the world. As for your healing just keep moving. You are doing just fine.
Author lovesparis Posted June 4, 2008 Author Posted June 4, 2008 "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." ...So he proposed to the one he was with. He would never call her his second best in front of her of course, but compared to his ex... she is his second best. At least, in his heart.that pretty much sums up how i feel. and that song came on the radio to me a few weeks ago. nevermind, i cannot meet up with/see my ex at this point. i am not ready to see him b/c i would spill out my heart to him. it would be disasterous. i think about that frequently enough though. it would be years before i am able to see him again. and really there is nothing wrong with him or our relationship (from my side). i feel that i'm able to acurately look at it. the few "bad things" were things my friends think are bad; ie: he's in grad school and asked that i pay sometimes when we went out "nothing like 50/50 just maybe 80/20". i felt this was acceptable as i like to pull my own weight in R's. they also seem to think he's gay. b/c he was always well dressed and put time and effort into his appearace and liked to shop more than i did. he was a wonderful cook and whatever else my friends think is criteria for being gay. (though it is true that he did point out men he found attractive on occasion). regardless of what my friends think of him, his "flaws" i see are things like the inability to multi-task through life. expecting those around him to live by the 12 steps that he lives his life by. viewing life in black and white instead of grey. none of those are deal breakers. If you like the new guy you should be honest and let him know you still have "things to work through" about the ex. i have told him from the very beginning that i have "unresolved feelings re: ex". i have told him this a couple of times. i just don't want to keep bringing it up. it makes me crazy though, i feel like i'm torn b/w 2 guys, but only 1 wants me. i think about them both all the time and what am i really supposed to be doing here. i'm 25, and all the relationships i've had have not been this hard to get over. everytime i thought i was in love was NOTHING compared to the love i had for my ex. it was like in the movies, where music plays and light shone. i can't replicate that. and i struggle with the thoughts of how to best handle my life. i mean if i'm someday crazy enough to leave patrick to go hunt hans down and spill my guts to him and he still doesn't want me back, then i've not only lost the best guy, but the 2nd best guy. and that is just crazy. but what if i stay where i am (with patrick) for fear of taking a chance and hurting him and i am happy for the rest of my life, but i always wonder "what if" or what if i leave patrick in search of hans, and he takes me back and we get married and i realize i'm not happy with him. the thought of doing something, as well as doing nothing terrifies me. thanks for your advice, though. all of you. i saw patrick last night after he got off work and it was great. i felt like i really took the next step in giving myself to the relationship. we had a great evening.
orangehose Posted June 5, 2008 Posted June 5, 2008 "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." It's all I can offer... Even if I don't believe in it myself. I'd rather be single, thanks. I think it's a matter of perspective also. I used to have an acquaintance who waited for his ex to come back to him, even when he found someone else. Faithful though he was to the new girl - and utterly does love the new gf - he held on to hope. Until the day came when he realized that his ex was never coming back. ...So he proposed to the one he was with. He would never call her his second best in front of her of course, but compared to his ex... she is his second best. At least, in his heart. I guess that's the best example that I have that supports that quote up over there. I used to question his emotions about this... as I had problems with him being able to move on while still having feelings for the ex. I wondered if he was confused, if he deluded himself into thinking that he "loves" the new gf... but then I stopped. I was being judgmental and I hope I will never be in the position he was in. Love is just as complicated as it is wonderful. If you know your new relationship will make you happy, then I say invest in that. I guess some people will say "Noooo... what if you're settling?!" But hey. You know what's good for you and you know what's not worth doing. Just my $0.02. Strive to be happy. Life is just too short. A friend and I have had this debate recently. She is also dating a great guy that she loves, but not in the same way / quantity that she loved a particular ex. But she firmly believes it is unrealistic after a point to find that kind of love again, and that one has to effectively settle. I can't bring myself to share that viewpoint, or at least, not at this stage. I've decided to not stay in a future relationship if I don't like that person at least as much as my 'special' ex (i've had others who haven't impacted me as much). I'm hoping if I date really broadly, and give it some time, it won't be a problem. BEcause, well, to take the example of Ohpenelope's friend, it strikes me as kind of sad for the guy to be married to second best for years and years, and for his wife to be her husband's second best. Not that the wife knows, and I'm sure she gets treated very lovingly by her husband, but still... The romantic in me finds it somehow sad. But maybe that's life? Give me a few more years of hunting, and then I'll get back to you.
icess64 Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 I am so glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have been broken up with my ex for over 2 years now and with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (we started dating waaay too soon) and I still think about my past relationship. It doesn't matter that he cheated on me and has now married that girl, I still think about it and compare my current relationship/boyfriend to that. I love my current BF and have never been treated so well by a man...we talk about getting married someday. I just wonder if I will always feel this way or if the feelings will dwindle with time. I wouldn't tell your current boyfriend anything unless you give yourself more time to figure out your feelings. I don't think that it would do anything but hurt him unnecessarily, and if you think you may have a future with him, then it won't do anything to strengthen your relationship, it will likely just make him insecure and unsure about YOU. I do know though, that he may sense your distraction/distance and you may need to explain to him that you are still working through your feelings about your last relationship, but I wouldn't mention your ex specifically. I should take my own advice...
0hpenelope Posted June 6, 2008 Posted June 6, 2008 BEcause, well, to take the example of Ohpenelope's friend, it strikes me as kind of sad for the guy to be married to second best for years and years, and for his wife to be her husband's second best. Not that the wife knows, and I'm sure she gets treated very lovingly by her husband, but still... The romantic in me finds it somehow sad. But maybe that's life? Give me a few more years of hunting, and then I'll get back to you. Yup. Sometimes happiness takes a detour. It's no less happier or much happier. It's still... happiness. Aaaand yes, I still miss Lawrence. Life still goes on, though.
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