strange social dynamic

[shadowplay]

This social situation at one of my new internships has really been getting me down. Maybe you guys can offer some advice. There are two other interns, a girl and a guy. We all started at the same time. Usually we go to lunch together at a nearby cafeteria. I'm making a concerted effort to break out of my natural shyness and make friends. The first day after chatting with the girl a little bit I thought to myself she seemed cool and maybe we could be friends.

 

Anyway, the first day when we all went out to lunch together I noticed a strange dynamic. The guy completely ignored me to the point of rudeness and directed all of his questions and comments at the other girl. It was as if I wasn't even there. The last time I remember being so blatantly ignored was middle school.

 

It left me feeling excluded, baffled and unattractive. It left me feeling like I was some asexual lunch lady...which was weird because I'm pretty sure that I'm attractive and this girl was nothing special aside from being Arabic. Not to say she's unattractive, but I was taken aback by how blatantly rude this guy was being to me. You would have thought my face was covered in oozing sores the way he was acting.

 

I tried my best to contribute to the conversation, but he would always direct it back to her or talk directly to her and leave me out. It was really weird. In the parking lot I was walking next to her and he sort of cut between us and they went ahead in front of me. She was really nice and I could tell she felt bad that I was being excluded.

 

Afterwards I literally felt bad about it for days. I'm not sure why it had such an effect on my self esteem. Later I thought maybe I had been irrational and imagining the whole thing. Today I found out that I wasn't. We went out to lunch again and it was even worse than before. I was the one who suggested lunch to the other two interns. The guy said he had to finish something first and he would let me know when he was ready. Then we would all go together. Twenty minutes later I asked them again if they were ready. The guy said to me "Maybe you should just hitch a ride" with one of our other coworkers who was also going. He wasn't sure if there would be enough room in his car for me, the other girl and this new guy intern he had invited along AFTER I asked them out to lunch. I thought that was pretty rude given I had been the one pushing for lunch all along and waiting around for him to finish what he was doing.

 

We found a way of all going together and some of our supervisors came along too. Same exact dynamic. I tried to chat with the girl, but he repeatedly interrupted me. He even offered her a cookie he didn't want to eat but didn't offer me.

 

Now I feel like I can't even be friends with this girl because he's constantly butting in.

 

I have no clue how to act in the future when we all go out for lunch. Any advice? Also, how do I prevent it from making me feel bad about myself?

[garnet]

His behavior is certainly mature and inappropriate. Is there something you may have said or done that rubbed him the wrong way? There must be something he has against you. I think you need to stand up for yourself here. He's being very disrespectful. Perhaps you can take him aside and ask him about it. The last thing you want is trouble with your co-workers on the job.

 

It's understandable that it would make you feel bad, that's why I think you should address the problem and not let it fester. He sounds like a trouble maker, and you don't want him going around saying bad things about you.

[Lunar Sonata]

Dude either hates your guts or is smitten. He doesn't demonstrate any level of maturity either way.

 

Ignore him right back. I dealt with a girl exactly like your guy not too long ago and I felt so stupid because I actually had a crush on her.

[Citizen Erased]

Is he white? I've dealt with quite alot of ethnic men who seem to think I will treat them like trash because of how other white girls treat them. It's really sad.

 

Other then that, I have no idea.

[shadowplay]

I don't get it either...but the only explanation I can come to is he has a crush on this other girl and wants to make it very clear to me that he doesn't like me.

 

Strange thing is our first day on the job he was very friendly to me, but that was when this other girl wasn't around.

 

It pisses me off because I'm not at all attracted to him and have never made any indication of being. He's not even cute. I've been friendly/polite to him all along, but nothing more. Now I'm paranoid that he thinks that I like him...because his rudeness has made me nervous around him.

 

Today at the cafeteria we had one of those awkward accidental eye contacts. I was actually looking at this girl in line who caught my eye because of the way she was dressed, and he happened to be right behind her (I didn't notice) so we made eye contact and he probably assumed I had been staring at him.

 

Assuming the worst and he does think for some reason I like him, why does he have to react so hostilely to the idea? It's bizarre. I'm attractive and if anything he should be flattered. This reminds me of high school where my biggest fear was that a guy I didn't like would think I liked him.

 

I don't know how to act in this situation. I mean, I'll have to interact with him a fair amount. Should I say "hi" in the morning or make eye contact and smile when we pass in the hall? What about at lunch?

 

I don't want to have a confrontation because honestly I'm embarrassed to even mention that I'm offended. I mean making a big deal out of it to him would send the message that I care.

 

But how can I subtly send him the message that I don't like him and I am offended by his rudeness without actually bringing it up? I've considered dropping mention that I have a boyfriend to let him know that I'm not into him.

 

For the person who asked, he's white. I think he's Jewish.

[Prodigal Princess]

What a wanker this guy is. I dont blame you for being upset, you dont deserve to be treated like that.

 

My theory is that when you first met he had hopes for getting with you, then when you gave him "not interested" vibes (and I'm sure that you did, even if only subconsciously), he switched his focus to the other intern.

 

He is probably one of those misogynists who doesn't see women as potential friends, only potential f*cks. Given that he knows he wont get what he wants from you, he sees no point in interacting with you further; you are just an obstacle in his way to getting with the other intern.

 

I agree that confrontation is not the way to go. He already knows you are not interested and I think being more "princessy" in that way will only make things worse. Just try to be better friends with the other intern... Im sure she has noticed his behaviour. Have you spoken to her about it at all?

 

Give it another week or so and if it continues, mention it to her and get her thoughts. She'll either be into him and not give a rats that you are being left out (in which case, stuff them both), or she'll rally beside you and you can start hanging out together without him.

[Storyrider]

Laugh at him. Not in a mean way. Just turn it into a joke.

[Star Gazer]

Someone's threatened by you, Shadow. Talk about your BF and play the dumb-I-don't-know-what-I'm-doing-here act (in their presence, not to your bosses!) until you can figure out what the deal is.

[D-Lish]

Shadow...

 

I would simply start ignoring him.

If you have a friendship with the girl- nothing wrong with just asking her to lunch or doing things on the side.

 

He doesn't sound like he is worth the effort trying to even figure out. If he's being rude to you- ignore him.

 

DO you have to work on projects with him?

[johan]

You'll be dating this guy sooner or later.

[Krytie TV]

Sounds pretty simple. He has the hots for the other girl and is more interested in talking to her. I would doubt there's anything personal about it.

[Taramere]

Sounds pretty simple. He has the hots for the other girl and is more interested in talking to her. I would doubt there's anything personal about it.

 

That would be simple, but aren't whole websites devoted to tactics like ignoring an attractive woman and focusing intently on her less attractive friend in order to arouse the attractive woman's interest and competitive instincts.

 

If that's what's going on, it seems to be working. Hopefully that's not what's going on, as it would be quite unkind to Shadow's friend who sounds perfectly nice.

[allina]

I doubt that he's threatened or that there is some deeper meaning to the guy's actions. He probably just doesn't like SP and is showing it.