pandagirl Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 So, I've been dating this guy for about a month. Things are going well, we like each other, but are taking it slow. He's just bad at calling. He was good in the very initial stages of courting, but now he just doesn't call me or call back. However, he never breaks plans or forgets about plans. For instance, on Monday we'll make vague plans for Friday. I won't hear from him for a couple days, then on Friday he'll say: "You still want to hang out tonight?" On Friday night he spent the night, and went further sexually than we have before (still no sex, but I gave him oral...TWICE). He left the next morning and was cute and affectionate and said: "I'll call you later." No call. I called him last night for a specific reason (seeing a movie he wanted to see), for a last minute invite, but just left him a vm. No call or text back. What gives! Especially after you are intimate with someone, shouldn't you call them? This is a very busy guy with a full life, but still...
compassion42 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Yes, you have a right to be annoyed. I think you shouldn't call this guy anymore...just let him get in touch with you. You deserve to be treated better.
Jilly Bean Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 PG - I think your prince is revealing his frog warts. Did he go down on you at all? I'm assuming no. If that's the case, then why would you go down on him twice with NO reciprocity? I think as much as he *tells* you the H doesn't bother him, I think it does. And it's showing up in how he behaves with you sexually, and also in how he is now pulling back and treating you like an afterthought. If he is acting like this after a MONTH, it's not a very good sign. I would stop calling him entirely, hon. I see some hurt on the horizon for you, and I think you're wise to minimize it now.
lahso Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I hate to say it, but you shouldn't waste your time. Move on. He's not putting any effort into you, and that's not cool. Not answering a phone call is one thing... we all get busy sometimes. But breaking plans... that's BS. The fact that there is no reciprocation when it comes to sex is not cool either. He is using you when he wants and how he wants and not offering anything in return. You deserve better. ~J
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Well, I don't think it has to do with the H, because he actually asked me if I had a condom (doh -- I didn't). I know he wants to have sex with me. But, I agree. I am pulling back. If he wants this (me), he's going to have to come after it! But maybe this is the way he rolls? For example, when he was still calling me and really pursuing me, I had to cancel plans with him due to a last minute thing I had to attend. I left him a vm calling to explain and rearrange plans. Instead of him calling me back, he just showed up at the event, by himself, to meet up with me.
The Collector Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Maybe he's losing interest because you are holding out on him and using sex as bait for commitment? It's your right to take things slow, but honestly in my experience if a girl is still making me wait after a month I get bored/annoyed and am likely to move on.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 Yeah, I see what everyone is saying, I am agree with all your points to some extent. The first time I spent the night with him, we did spend the next morning/afternoon all day together. I don't want a guy calling me everyday! But I see your point. If was crazy about me, he would call me. To be fair to myself, I am not "crazy" about him either, but I do like him and see potential.
Jilly Bean Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 PG, you're chasing him and now making excuses to boot. If I gave a guy head (twice) and he didn't call me, and then I contacted him twice and he STILL ignored me, I'd be done. I mean, this seems pretty obvious. That's the message he is sending you, but you're ignoring to see it.
spookie Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 IMO it's still early days. Not everyone commits emotionally after one month, and not everyone likes phones. If you like this guy, give him a chance, but take it easy and try not to be disappointed if it doesn't pan out.
johan Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 He would call if he had something he wanted to talk to you about. Sure, you've been intimate, but that doesn't make you great friends. You have to be more patient for that. Working on the friendship should probably be priority 1 now that you know the physical aspect is there.
Author pandagirl Posted May 26, 2008 Author Posted May 26, 2008 I am not committed emotionally to him AT ALL. One of my big struggles in relationship is letting down my wall. And in order for me to do that, I have to know the guy likes me A LOT, and he hasn't shown that. JB, I only contacted him once, not twice, but still...I agree with you point. I guess I am just confused. It has only been not even a month; we even openly talked about how if one of us isn't feeling it, just to be honest and break it off. He promised me he would be honest with me. It's just a waste of time if you aren't truly into someone. He won't call, but then he'll say things to me like, "I feel lucky that I met you," and tell me how beautiful and funny I am." BUT I won't/can't believe his words until his actions follow. He made allusions to going to this show at the end of June, and I jokingly said: "well, that's if we're still dating then!" and he said: "I think we'll still be dating then!" Another confusing thing he did was when I was out of town, he said he said he would call me, he didn't, but the day I got back, he wrote me an email saying: "are you back yet? when can i see you?" Sigh. The uncertainties of dating.
Balthazar Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Guys don't want to commit. It's our nature and this can't be changed. Getting head twice or thrice has nothing to do with it. When a guy feels he is getting close to a woman, there is a inner desire to bolt! I always feel this way, especially when the woman starts calling every day and asking you where you were, what you were doing and so on... If I get over this hump, then things settle down into a relationship. If you dig this guy, you should hang in there a while longer. CHeers,
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Guys don't want to commit. It's our nature and this can't be changed. Getting head twice or thrice has nothing to do with it. When a guy feels he is getting close to a woman, there is a inner desire to bolt! I always feel this way, especially when the woman starts calling every day and asking you where you were, what you were doing and so on... If I get over this hump, then things settle down into a relationship. If you dig this guy, you should hang in there a while longer. CHeers, Hey Balthazar, not all guys are like this. There's a substantial component who aren't.
Balthazar Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 Yep. Different guys will act differently. but... most have the feelings I have described. Difficult to explain; it's sort of hardwired into us
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I won't deny that there's also a substantial portion of the male population who feel like you do. It might also be stage in life related. A guy who's "honestly" ready to settle down won't feel the same way. There are enough men out there who flirt with the idea of settling down into a relationship. It's like flirting with danger.
Balthazar Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I won't deny that there's also a substantial portion of the male population who feel like you do. It might also be stage in life related. A guy who's "honestly" ready to settle down won't feel the same way. There are enough men out there who flirt with the idea of settling down into a relationship. It's like flirting with danger. I want to settle down, but not "honestly";).
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I want to settle down, but not "honestly";). Busted! You just enjoy the risk-taking and flirtation with the concept.
Star Gazer Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I think as much as he *tells* you the H doesn't bother him, I think it does. And it's showing up in how he behaves with you sexually, and also in how he is now pulling back and treating you like an afterthought. If he is acting like this after a MONTH, it's not a very good sign. No offense, Jilly, but this is lame. Guys act like PG's guy ALL THE TIME, with and without herpes involved. Don't try to make his behavior the result of the H, because it's most likely NOT.
Jilly Bean Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 No offense, Jilly, but this is lame. Guys act like PG's guy ALL THE TIME, with and without herpes involved. Don't try to make his behavior the result of the H, because it's most likely NOT. Yes, I really believe it most likely IS. PG said he was far more interested and involved for the first few weeks. That is, before they had the "talk".
AriaIncognito Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 PG - Basically, you have ultimate control over your situation, whether you like it or not. He is showing you the type of person he is. Maybe he is indeed still into you. It sounds like he is to some extent, since he's talking about doing things in X number of weeks or whatever, so basically you need to decide if you are willing to hang in there with things going this way. Men and women appear to be wired differently. Also, if you're insecure in the least, you can turn any little thing into a HUGE deal, when in actuality, they weren't even conscious of it. If you have an issue with his not calling or whatever, TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Have you tried this? I say this because recently, I had a scenario with the guy i've been dating where I was basically reading into what was or wasn't happening between us, and assuming I knew what was going on instead of asking him. One night, I decided to lay it out there, and talk to him. And you know what? It helped. It got us to talk, and got us to realize what was going on between us and got us talking about things that needed to be addressed. Once that talk happened, things got better. Sure, it could have gone the other way, but I'd rather have some sort of discussion and have it end then just go on ad nauseum unsure as to what is even going on. What's the point? So basically, you have the cards, you can choose to reveal them and see what happens. Maybe he doesn't realize that you'd like him to call more often. Maybe he's not a phone person (outside of relationships, I'm not a phone person at all). Maybe he's busy. (no this isn't always an excuse, but it's excuseable sometimes). Anyway, I would say you have the right to be annoyed, if and only if you talk to him about it and he continues with the behavior. I'm not saying you need to ask him to "change", but it would be nice if the 2 of you could come to a compromise, after all, that's half the battle in intimate relationships.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 i had this talk with a boyfriend once. We had been dating about 3 months and he did a lot of the things your guy is doing. He honestly wanted to try and make it work, so he did put forth more of an effort for a while. Then it slacked off again. I broke up with him, and he was genuinely perplexed as to why I wanted to break up. He just could not figure out why it didn't work for me. So, talk to him. Let him know. If he cares, he will try to do better.
Star Gazer Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 PG said he was far more interested and involved for the first few weeks. Yeah, so? The same is true for EVERY guy who slowly fades away....
Trialbyfire Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 I'm of two minds on talking to him about it. If you need more contact and it's not part of his personality to do so, it can be a losing proposition. On the otherhand, what kind of damage can it do, if this is something you need to make you happy? You're obviously unhappy about the current state of affairs. If he's willing to accommodate you, you win. If he's offended by it or won't meet your needs, you stand in the same unhappy place, don't you? It's how worried you are about losing him, through action or inaction on your part that will be the deciding factor.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 26, 2008 Posted May 26, 2008 It's better to tell him what you need and risk the consequences (which could be good OR bad) than to live in a constant state of frustration.
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