It's Day 2 for Me...Releaving Some Grief

[Food4Thought]

Well...I think it's time for me to tell my story. Not that I'm suggesting that there is an obligation for anyone to comment, but it's time for me to write it out as a release from the anguish of my recent crushing blow. However, if anyone feels compelled to comment, respond, analyze, or philosophize, it will always be welcome

 

My ex girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We had an astounding relationship in so many ways. We shared the same tastes in movies, music, food, humor, among several other things. We talked seriously about the future together, getting married, finishing our college degrees, careers, houses, the works.....I truly thought that this was going to be "The One." And I believe that she did too.

 

We met each other in college about 5 years back in a class we shared together. She was quiet and a little sheepish, and I of course, was social and outgoing. We sat close to each other so it was natural that we would strike up conversations, especially since I usually initiate them freely anyway. We became fast friends, discovering quickly that shared much in common and never tired of each other's company. However, we kept our relationship as a friendship (primarily because of our age difference - 13 years) for a few months until our feelings grew stronger and we both fessed up on how we felt about each other. At first, the age gap felt awkward, but after a short time, it would not become an issue again.

 

Coming from a sheltered home (due to her cultural traditions), she experienced a lot of "first's" with me: camping, hiking, trips, social events, sporting events, concerts, etc. Being older and much more experienced with relationships, I found it easy to be patient, supportive, and encouraged her to pursue growing relationships with her family, friends, classmates, and co-workers. It was beautiful to watch her come out of her shell, be assertive, engage social relationships, and develop a desire to explore and venture into the unknown and take (healthy) risks. All of which she attributed to my influence. In turn, she demonstrated a sefless will to give without asking and to go out of her way to make me happy. All seemed right in the world as our lives, dreams, and goals became intertwined over a period of several years. And we would share the longest and deepest relationship that either of us has experienced to date.

 

Around December, she began to withdrawl....I noticed it. Knowing that she has difficulty confronting people with an issue or a problem, I took the inititive to express my concern for her sudden change in behavior. Her response was generally to dismiss it, unless I patiently and gently pressed, to which I would recieve a valid concern regarding the relationship, but totally fixable, which I would act upon instantly.

 

Over the past 5 months, she would bounce between emotional highs and lows. And during the lows, I would encourage her to communicate it to me and would recieve the same result. I started to suspect that she was emotionally withdrawling, and I couldn't blame her. I was becoming complacent and grouchy often, due to busy work and school schedules.......yes, I was being selfish and concerning myself with primarily "me." And I hold myself totally accountable for that. She slowly became more and more distant, not only from me, but from my family who loves her very deeply.

 

Last Sunday we were sitting quietly on my couch watching television. Normally we would be giggling and goofing off, but she was tense, quiet and not herself. I wanted to break the ice, so I started by apologizing for not being a good friend to her lately by being touchy, grouchy, a bore, and being consumed with me, me, me. It was then that it finally came.....

 

She began to pour it all out......she told me how she hasn't felt appreciated for a long time, even though she has exhausted herself to make me happy (and she was right), that her feelings have changed for me, and......that there was someone else that she is interested in pursuing. BOOM!! All in one big chunk....bottled up for so long. I was in total shock. I had no idea that she was feeling that way and I felt like a complete fool (I'm a total guy).

 

I listened to her without defending myself, admitted that I was at fault (even though I hadn't been totally aware of my folly), told her I was SO sorry, and for the first time in a very long time, cried waterfalls. She was blown away by my tears, so we held each other and cried together until she went home.

 

The next day (Monday of this week), she called me early to tell me that she wanted to work things out; yet, in the same breath, she would say she wasn't certain how she felt....confusing. I admitted that I was confused also and recomended that we take a day to process this new, out of the closet, situation....she agreed. So, on Tuesday I called her after her classes and like never before, she just laid into me hard about what a jerk I am and how it is all my doing....it was insane! I went from the "greatest guy" she ever knew to a total jerk in 24 hours! I was totally caught off guard and proceeded to defend myself from her unexpected onslaught (never a good idea by the way). We agreed to end the conversation before we both got too nasty, but didn't say when we would speak again.

 

After 2 days (Thursday) I decided to write her an email apologizing for my defensive behavior, took responsibility for it, told her how much she ment to me, that I didn't want to loose her as a girlfriend, and that our time together and her influence has made me a better person (obviously before the dark times). She responded yesterday....it was polite, but to the point. She expressed being sorry for the fight, that I've taught her so much about herself, but that she wants to move on, and hopes we can be friends in the future, however, not romantically. Ouch!!

 

Today, after my family was told the news, my mother, who was very, very close to her, wrote her an email to have some sort of closure....she was devistated too. She allowed me to read it later, but it's contents were directed towards their relationship, how much the family will miss her, thanking her for all that she has done with and for the family, and that she is always welcome to their home. I'm not being biased, but it was very kind, sweet, and didn't mention me at all. Then I was read my ex's response: I wish to be a part of the family, but I wish only to be that as your sons friend and not his girlfriend. And that's a quote folks...one sentence. Yikes! I'm still totally puzzled by this brief, terse, and unrelated response to the original email...and I feel bad for my mom. She took it personally.

 

So here I am now....feeling like a fool for my mistakes and my heart in pieces. I'm trying hard to rally myself as I take my first few steps of going through a process that I have been through several time before (and I'm not proud to say that). I know what lies ahead....the long journey to recovery. It's time to crank up the NC to full throttle and learn to let go of someone I deeply care about. I hate that it has to end....broken because it has to end. I know in time I will move beyond it and grow stronger because of it. But for now, I'm gonna hang with you all for awhile, to get feedback, throw out things to think about, and to help counsel you as well

 

Thanks for taking the time to read if you made it this far....It's deeply appreciated

 

Peace!

Edited March 30, 2008 by Food4Thought

[motive2002]

I don't know if it helps, but I'm in the exact same 180 degree situation you're in. One day she loved me, the next she needed space.. and then the breakup after that.

 

Not sure what help I could offer, only that I read your full post and really know how you feel.

[Food4Thought]

Thank you for the insight OmarE. And thank you motive2002 for stating that you identify. Both are helping me cope in different ways

 

I'm starting my third day and it's really starting to sink in hard....this sux!

 

As much as I want to convince myself otherwise, I'm going to guess that her other option (the other guy) is likely to end up being a go. Why wouldn't it? Someone new, a fresh start, a distraction from any guilt, and most compelling: hope in love.

 

NC is the way to go, I know. Things will only be made worse otherwise. My heart doesn't want to let go, but she is young and inexperienced and apparently needs her time to gain wisdom of love through her experiences also; regardless of how it all shakes out for her.

 

Thanks for the responses guys

 

Peace