david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Hi all, I'm new here but have found reading the forum some comfort, at least to see that I'm not alone in my misery. My partner of 26 years and 2 kids (16 & 20) is having an affair. I've found out, confronted her and she's admitted it. She says she loves him but that she also still loves me. Lots of tears, mostly from me I have to say, but 7 days later we're still living together. There's a practical problem, she can't afford to move out. He lives with his wife but I've learnt she left him this weekend. She said quite matter of factly that she could have moved in with him but she hasn't. I've said she can stay with me and we can try to talk things through and patch things up. I still love her so much I can't bear to see her go, I can't throw her out and I want to make things work for us despite the pain of this last week. She has said, kind of, that things aren't completely over between us, and I want to believe her. But my agony is that I don't know if she's just biding her time until they can be together or if she really hasn't yet finally made up her mind. For fairly good reasons I am fairly sure they haven't yet had sex. I know this because it has been difficult for them to meet, plus she has a secret mobile phone that she knows I know about and keeps hiding and I keep finding. On it, even now, they talk about planning meeting or planning sex. But why is she still with me? Is it this illicit excitement she likes, or is this her way of trying to decide? Why is she still with me when she could have so easily left? Is it because she's afraid to make take the last step? Or is she waiting for me to snap and throw her out to save her a tiny amount of guilt knowing that it was me that ended our 26 year relationship? If I didn't still love her and wanted things to work out then I think anyone in my position would have thrown her out by now. I know that. But I'm a crazy love fool who still thinks there's a chance. If she had walked out then as painful as that would have been it would have been a decision. Living like this with no decision is the most painful thing. Is she biding her time or is she giving us a chance? Her actions say one thing but her mobile phone says another. Tell me I'm not being stupid or a mug? But how can I walk out on 26 years of relationship?
City_girl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Not easy at all. I am also 40's and have a friend who is in a similar circumstance, think your wife would happily keep both of you to be honest for the time being at least. Personally I would trust the stuff you find on the phone, this is the real her without the pressure of trying to keep her security, this is what her heart desires. It could just be a last grasp at youth, ours is a funny age. 'we can still be qite attractive but were loosing that final bloom. You sound so calm tho I know it must be killing you. I don't know what to advise but to say protect your heart as much as you possibly can. My heart truly goes out to you
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks City_girl. It has taken me a week to stop crying and to be able to reach out to a forum such as this. So yes I am devastated inside. I now know tho that I need to start taking control of my life, as painful as that is. I think you're right to say that right now she'd prefer to have both of us. Because she puts off, even for a while, the pain of final separation while still getting the excitement of his attention. It's all just so unfair. Because I've been so upset I think it's making it easier for her to contact him. I have decided this week to try to be as normal as possible in a terrible situation to see if it makes it easier for her to respect my feelings and not get distracted by him. I want to keep the strength to carry on trying because we have so much to lose, but I somehow also need to develop the strength to let go if it comes to it. I would never have thought how much easier it makes things by talking to others. I've always thought of myself as being strong and in control but now I know I'm not, and the comfort of others, even strangers, means a lot.
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) Assuming she isn't a serial cheater, what's the scoop? How's your marriage/partnership, from your perspective? Where do you fit in? I'm just preparing you for those who will stop by and tell you to "man up" If her actions toward you are relatively indifferent, she's already checked out. I'd call a solicitor. IMO, at that point, it's non-recoverable. Take care of your kids and let her go. I have a camper and pickup truck precisely for that reason Edited to add that this might be worth reposting in the Infidelity forum, if you have the stomach to read the responses. You'll find a lot of truth in there. Edited March 17, 2008 by carhill
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I think I'd better man up. She had an affair 3 years ago but we got through that. Boy, I am stupid. There, answered my own question
carhill Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Noted the repost. Sorry to hear that man Be sure to spend some time reading the infidelity/OM/OW forum areas. Good experience, information and tips there....
Ladyjane14 Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I'd recommend to you that you read posts by Owl. Here's one of his threads: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Owl was also in a long-standing marriage with teenagers, but came out strong on his wife's EA. He basically presented her with two choices.. "it's either him or me and there is NO in between". After she made her choice, he was the able to help her address her issues which had left her open to the affair. And things seem to be working out nicely for him. I had almost the exact same sitch, long-standing marriage, husband seeking out other women. And I also "came out strong", offering a clear one-time choice, and then followed it up with TLC on his personal issues after he'd recommitted to the marriage. Your wife apparently didn't learn much from her last affair, so... what do you have to lose that's not already lost?
sedgwick Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Do you really want to continue this pattern of waiting to see if she cheats on you again or not? I think the best thing you could do is tell her okay, go to him, see ya later. Let her know you don't want to be cheated on anymore and would prefer to find someone who loves you and only you. And then ask her to leave. I know all this is hard to do, but right now she thinks she can do anything she wants to you because you'll still be there waiting to take her back. Let her see just how much of her fantasy of this guy is true. Go NC except for conversations about the kids. I know all this is way easier said than done, but you really do deserve better. If you were able to just cut her loose completely -- even if it hurts tremendously inside -- she might find that the fantasy she has about this other guy truly is just a fantasy, and realize what she lost.
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 I've done it. I've told her she must go. Tonight will be difficult because she's just come home from work and our son needs to be told and comforted. But I've done it and I didn't cry. Not yet anyway. I'l post later but I'm going to need your support.
Issues & tissues Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 I'l post later but I'm going to need your support. Post, rant, scream as much as you want. We are here. We listen and we care because at sometime or other we have been in that exact same place.
City_girl Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Boy, I am stupid. There, answered my own question Ohh no you don't , do not go there. You are a good decent man who gave the woman you love a chance. You sound like a great guy and loving someone is never stupid. She isn't mature enough to live life as decently as you seem to do and treat you with the respect 26 years deserves. You so deserve much better than this. Lets look at is this way. Supposing you are the single worst husband in history, you aren't what she wants in bed, you don't bring home the bacon, you neglect the kids, you have a big pot belly and never cut your hair. she still had the option of leaving didn't she? I am sure your shortcommings as a husband are far less than all or any of the above but can you see? There is never, never never ever an excuse for cheating once, never mind twice. Stick around and we will support you through this as much as we can. If you can call someone and talk on the phone, it will help to hear a warm voice and I'm sure there are orgs that can offer a listening ear in the States, we have tons in the UK.
Author david65 Posted March 17, 2008 Author Posted March 17, 2008 Thanks City_girl. I'm a Brit too and wouldn't have coped for the first couple of days without the Samaritans. They were just what I needed when I thought I had nobody to turn to. I've been through my situation over and over and can't see what I could have done to cause two infidelities. My partner, sorry, ex, must be so mixed up. I feel sorry for her now, but still so sad at what she's thrown away. I just wish there was something I could have said or done. But she came home tonight and told me she was leaving me on Wednesday and that she and her new man were going to spend a few nights in a hotel. Talk about twisting the knife, so I said why wait until then. Go now. Boy was she shocked. She's cried all evening and will be gone in the morning. Thanks you all for urging tough love. I do still love her so much and would do anything to take this back but I've done what I had to do, and should have done sooner, and I feel ever so slightly better for it. My kids have been great and my daughter is coming home from uni tomorrow. The first she did was to txt me to tell me that she loved me. I'm so lucky. I just hope the next few days don't see a crash in my spirits because I need to be strong for them.
LuCidiTy Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 (edited) You're right. Anyone in your position would have thrown her out by now. When I found out my husband cheated on top of everything else (long story), we stuck with it, but I never felt the same way again and that was the end of any semblance of intimacy we ever had. When he did it again, I asked for the second divorce but had already pretty much divorced him in my heart and mind at that moment. It's not an easy thing to get over, that's for sure, especially if they refuse IC or MC like mine did. Sometimes love just isn't enough. You're a very strong man to be putting up with this. It sounds almost deliberate and nonchalant on her part, and that must sting. The other way I've seen people go, is to try an open marriage of one sort or another, but I've never seen that work. Someone always gets left out or hurt, no matter what rules are put in place. Ooops...just saw your last post. Guess that about tears it them. I'm so very sorry, but I must admit I cheered for you when you said...why wait...go now. Edited March 17, 2008 by LuCidiTy
Starsky Posted March 17, 2008 Posted March 17, 2008 Sorry to hear about your story, David. You did the right thing though. Continue to fill us in if you ever need to vent. We'll listen. :]
City_girl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 You will dip David, you will bounce off the walls. You have to prepare for that. When the adrenalin wears off and the dust settles it will hit you and it will hit you hard but you will get through it, you really will. You need people around you later, maybe more than now. It's such an awful predicament, so like a bereavement you have a whole grieving process ahead of you. I got over the death of the love of my life, took me 9 years but I am ok. We are stronger than we think. You need to make sure that you limit what the wife says to you for your own sake. I have never ever cheated since I did it at 18, still haunted by guilt over that. I don't get it at all. My friend has found texts on her hubby's phone from 3 women, some suggesting to meet at a weekend, some suggestive in general and another from a woman who was asking shall I pop in somewhere to meet up now? It was sent to her hubby at 2am? Still she buries her head in the sand, cooks his dinner and sleeps with him. She's the most beautiful soul but her life is drudgery and misery. You are really brave to face it and do something about it. You are young enough to find a way through this and find a decent woman later when you are ready. I just don't get these people who can behave this way. Samaritans are amazing, kept me sane when my bf died.
eagle5 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 David Firstly I'm so sorry to hear your situation. You have definately made the right decision, how could you live with her after that, never knowing if she was going to do it again? It's great to know you have your childrens support, that's so important. On what's next, it's going to be a hard road to take but a road with a light at the end, even though it seems a million miles off. I've done alot of reading on the stages of grief, they are well worth looking at so you know that what you are feeling now and what you'll feel in the future are totally natural and normal. Do post on here because we are all here for you too. My thoughts are with you....Eagle
Lookingforward Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 There - hope you feel better now Hang with LS for support and advice
eagle5 Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 She's gone. It's your time now, time for you to grieve, rebuild, reflect, look forward. Keep strong....
Owl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 David- A couple of things for you to think about. First off, its obvious that the FIRST affair she had didn't resolve the issues that led up to it...which is why you're where you're at right now. What happened with the first affair? Was it PA as well as EA? What led to it, how did the two of you 'deal with it'? But, for right now, you need some immediate advice for dealing with your current situation. Telling her to leave may have hurt you if you're looking to recover your marriage from this. Now, if you want a divorce as a result of all this...there's nothing wrong with that choice at all. First off...you're hurting and in a ton of pain. I know man, been there. Your emotions are going up and down...one moment you want to save the marriage, and the next you're ready to kick her to the curb. Try to get a handle on that...go see your doctor and get on AD's. Even if you weren't depressed...you probably are now! They'll help you 'even out'...and let you keep a more even keel and figure out what you really want, and allow you to think, and not react. Next, decide what you WANT. Do you want to try to reconcile, or do you want to divorce? Either choice is honorable after what you've been through. Then, get a gameplan to get what you want...if you want to divorce, go see a lawyer, get your assets protected, and work that plan. If you want to recover your marriage, there are several things that you should do to help you work that plan. I'd suggest getting a couple of books that can help a lot..."Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs/Her Needs" are both a couple of good references that can help you sort through things. If your plan is to reconcile, read through those books, and go over to marriagebuilders.com and look at their free information on "plan A", "plan B", "the love bank", etc...there's a lot of good information there. The bottom line is that you almost need to "woo" your wife back by meeting what emotional needs of hers that you can right now. At the same time, you need to be working towards establishing "NC" (no contact) between her and OM. Make it clear to her that you are NOT going to accept her being in contact with him in any fashion or form. She's NOT going to have the option of having the both of you in her life...she WILL end up being forced to choose between the two of you. Read those books, decide what you want to do, get on AD's to help you work through all of this without breaking down...that's really the best start you can take. Last thing...dealing with this stuff is a MARATHON RACE...it is NOT a sprint. Its going to take long term effort...be prepared for that. Its not over until YOU say its over...remember that! Wanted to add...in this case, if you're wanting to try to fight for your marriage, I'd suggest that you post in the infidelity section rather than here. Its up to you, but that's my suggestion. I don't come over to this area much.
Author david65 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks Owl. Right now I don't feel like I have a lot of choices as she's made it clear she's going to stay with him. She'll be in his bed tonight. So right now I don't feel like I have a game plan for getting her back, even if I wanted to. All I had at the end was the choice to ask her to leave the day before she said she'd leave. It's a bit like being allowed to choose the method of execution, but you still know what's coming in the end. My priority now has to be getting a clear head. I've got an counselling appointment tomorrow and that will help to get some perspective. I want to try to stay off the meds and so far have. I've changed the locks and got her joint bank account card off her and cut it up so I have small amount of control back. I need to sort out the mortgage while she's still reasonable 'cos I don't want the other man whispering in her ear about making a little money. I want to know she's safe but won't ask if I can help it. Short, medium and long term can wait for tomorrow. Today is the end of 26 years and the start of the next day.
Owl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 I totally understand how you feel. I remember MY d-day...and as soon as my wife realized I knew what was going on, OM bought her plane tickets to fly to live with him. They bought the tickets for a couple of days later, because they didn't know how I was going to react and wanted to make sure that the kids were going to be taken care of. I told her she wasn't going to sit around in our house, sleep in our house while waiting for her day to fly away and live with OM. She moved out into a motel that night. I remember this very clearly. You might go checkout http://www.marriagebuilders.com . Look at the information pages there. Go to a library and check out the books I'd suggested...these are all good references for you to develop a gameplan from here. Like I said man...its not over until YOU quit. I went through my hell almost four years ago. We're very happily 'recovered' now. It can get better man...it takes work, time, and patience. But the very FIRST thing you need to do is to pick a course for now. Hang in there.
Author david65 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks Owl, I appreciate it. I first need to get my head together then work on my act. When the novelty of her situation wears off we'll see what happens. She's going to be around because of our son but for now I'm going to try NC.
Owl Posted March 18, 2008 Posted March 18, 2008 My suggestion would actually to do a "plan A" first. Don't go straight to NC, unless you're convinced that she's fully intending to keep you in her life forever. I "got away" with the threat of NC with my wife because she'd clearly shown me that her intent was to have BOTH of us in her life...and she was clearly 'waffling' back and forth on what she should do. Use plan A...which is a combination of putting pressure on your wife to go to NC with OM, as well as meeting the emotional needs that you can in order to show her that you still love her and that there is a way for her to come back home. Once you've done that for as long as you can, you've built a base that SHOWS that love...and when suddenly that love is removed in plan B (NC between you and her)...it creates a vacuum that OM is unable to fill. Read that stuff I suggested...this will all make sense. For now...try to get her into marriage counseling...try to convince her to give your marriage a shot by going NC with OM for some length of time while she 'works' on the marriage. My suggestions at least. Ladyjane has a great background in this stuff too.
Author david65 Posted March 18, 2008 Author Posted March 18, 2008 Thanks, I hadn't thought of that strategy. I need a little thinking time to decide what I really do want. Right now after 26 years there's a major void and I want to try to find out for myself if that's because I miss her as a person or I miss the companionship. I just wrote in my journal that I won't miss the lies and cheating, suspicion and hurt. But after that's healed will there be nothing left or will I want her back. Only time will tell. I will check out those books. I already have 'After the Affair' from the last time! Geez I'm an old hand now at coping after her affairs.
Recommended Posts