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Alright - Patience with Single Mom has run out


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Posted

Alright... seventh date with a girl and tonight is the third in a row with her bringing her daughter. I'm afraid I'm going to have to dump this woman. I'm so pissed. We were supposed to do something tonight - just the two of us.

 

Three weeks in a row without a kiss or anything is driving me up the wall and frankly I'm pretty pissed about it. We're going to dinner here in a bit, and obviously I can't talk to her about it in front of her daughter. She said we'd do something tomorrow - just the two of us - but that was supposed to be tonight.

 

I'm about to draw the line. Grrrr!!!!!

 

What is it with single mothers feeling like they have to punish guys for their prior relationships?

Posted
What is it with single mothers feeling like they have to punish guys for their prior relationships?

 

Maybe she is on to the fact that you just want to bang her and could care a less is she has a kid..

She is a package deal dude.. You shouldn't be dating a person with a kid if you want someone who doesn't have kid(s).

 

I think introducing you to her kid is a bit much and she should give you both more adult time together but sometimes people do this because they can't afford babysitters..

 

Would you offer to pay $50.00 for a baby sitter for her ?.. if you offer you might get some one on one time with her..

Posted
Maybe she is on to the fact that you just want to bang her and could care a less is she has a kid..

She is a package deal dude.. You shouldn't be dating a person with a kid if you want someone who doesn't have kid(s).

 

I think introducing you to her kid is a bit much and she should give you both more adult time together but sometimes people do this because they can't afford babysitters..

 

Would you offer to pay $50.00 for a baby sitter for her ?.. if you offer you might get some one on one time with her..

 

Yup, don't date single women with kid(s)...Kids always come first.

 

Don't offer to pay for babysitting. Maybe it's just me, but I think that would piss her off. I doubt it's that she can't afford a sitter, it's just she doesn't feel comfy leaving her daughter with a sitter.

  • Author
Posted

You know, if I hear "package deal" one more time I'll puke. I'm not freaking out to "just bang her". She's introduced me to her daughter four times now, three of them on dates and we've only been seeing each other for a month.

 

And I did offer to pay for a sitter on the first few dates. She declined.

 

I'm not out just to get laid. I'm looking for a relationship and I'm willing to wait a while for sex part of the relationship. But I can't develop feelings for someone if I have to go a month without touching her or giving her a kiss.

 

I've never said I don't want to date a girl without kids. I would like to have a few DATES without the daughter, though.

 

Not every guy is just out to **** someone.

Posted

Then if you really like her, tell her that it's time to spend some adult time together. That maybe it isn't fair to her daughter to be dragged out on dates. Suggest that a family member take her daughter for an evening or a sleepover so you two can go out and not worry about rushing home in time to put her kid to bed etc..

 

How old is her daughter?

Posted

I am a single mom, too. I usually don't introduce my kids to any guy until several months into it. My last boyfriend didn't meet the kids until we had been dating six months.

 

The way I like to handle is to date a guy for a while, just the two of us enjoying time alone and bonding as a couple first, before introducing the kids into the mix.

 

Even then, I like to start with a day date with kids, or a have him come over for pizza and a video so the kids can get used to him. All the while, still enjoying couple time together on different days.

 

I understand this guy's frustration. He is wanting to get to know the woman as the second half of a couple. Bringing the daughter once or twice is okay, but three times in a row, without any accompanying couple time?

 

Seems out of line to me. Have you tried talking with her and asking her how she feels about dating with kids and what is she looking for, what is important to her. Start a dialogue. Ask her out for coffee and talk to her.

 

Does the ex have visitation? That's when I dated, during the weekends without the kids. The weekends with the kids I didn't date. Most guys were begging me to let them spend time with my kids.

Posted

A_C, WWIU, nicki, I think you all missed this part:

 

We were supposed to do something tonight - just the two of us.

 

I agree with the package deal thing but if the agreement ahead of time was that the date would be sans kid then she should follow through on that. I can understand the frustration of the OP. People not following through with what they say gets irritating.

  • Author
Posted

Her daughter is 13. And the girlfriend's sister and brother-in-law live here in town. I've already met them, too. And I've met their daughter.

Posted

13?

 

At that age, kids don't usually want to hang out with grown-ups. They want to be with their friends. I suggest talking to this woman and specifically asking her out on an adults only date...As in, I have TWO tickets to the hockey game/opera/concert, etc...

  • Author
Posted
I am a single mom, too. I usually don't introduce my kids to any guy until several months into it. My last boyfriend didn't meet the kids until we had been dating six months.

 

The way I like to handle is to date a guy for a while, just the two of us enjoying time alone and bonding as a couple first, before introducing the kids into the mix.

 

Even then, I like to start with a day date with kids, or a have him come over for pizza and a video so the kids can get used to him. All the while, still enjoying couple time together on different days.

 

I understand this guy's frustration. He is wanting to get to know the woman as the second half of a couple. Bringing the daughter once or twice is okay, but three times in a row, without any accompanying couple time?

 

Seems out of line to me. Have you tried talking with her and asking her how she feels about dating with kids and what is she looking for, what is important to her. Start a dialogue. Ask her out for coffee and talk to her.

 

Does the ex have visitation? That's when I dated, during the weekends without the kids. The weekends with the kids I didn't date. Most guys were begging me to let them spend time with my kids.

 

I haven't brought this up yet because I've been trying to take things slow. But this slow is ridiculous. How am I supposed to know if this woman is even attracted to me as something other than a father figure if I can't kiss her?

Posted

So, you certainly seem to be meeting many of her family members and it seems serious in that sense...Yet she isn't putting in time to get to know you and spend one on one time with you. Yes, you have a right to be peeved. It seems she's very family orientated and likes to include them in her daily life, hense you meeting everyone and the daughter being included on your dates.

 

Definately time for a talk and to make plans to be ALONE.

Posted

hi tan! :love:

 

Yes, she should have followed through with the plans as they made them, and spent time alone together.

 

I think the OP should ask her why the plans changed.

Posted
hi tan! :love:

 

Hi. :)

 

:bunny:

Posted
Her daughter is 13. And the girlfriend's sister and brother-in-law live here in town. I've already met them, too. And I've met their daughter.

Yikes. Maybe she's reinventing her virginity or something. In any event, I'd nip it in the bud. I dated a few single moms and, yeah, the kids are important (I love kids) but mom knew when it was adult time and kids went elsewhere. I'm starting to think you better have a zone talk with her. Bad feeling....

  • Author
Posted
hi tan! :love:

 

Yes, she should have followed through with the plans as they made them, and spent time alone together.

 

I think the OP should ask her why the plans changed.

 

 

I know why her plans changed. The daughter was supposed to go to a sleepover tonight and it was canceled or she didn't go for some reason. I can understand that. I'm just frustrated.

 

She did say we'd do something - just the two of us - tomorrow night. I'm giving this one more day before I have to say something.

 

Yes, the father has visitation rights maybe once a month. That is next weekend. The last weekend that the daughter spent with her father was the night that we started kissing after a movie and she bailed.

 

I used to be a "nice guy" and do anything to make a woman happy. I've since developed a pretty straight spine. I do like this girl a lot. We talk on the phone every day, and she calls at least half the time, initiates e-mails, etc.

 

That was really the basis for my last thread. Although I'm frustrated, I'm not going to rip into her about it and was wanting suggestions on how to tell her how I feel without sounding like a dick. But at some point, I'll just tell her anyway. That will be tomorrow if the daughter ends up coming along with us, yet again.

  • Author
Posted
Yikes. Maybe she's reinventing her virginity or something. In any event, I'd nip it in the bud. I dated a few single moms and, yeah, the kids are important (I love kids) but mom knew when it was adult time and kids went elsewhere. I'm starting to think you better have a zone talk with her. Bad feeling....

 

 

What is this "zone" or "zone talk" thing, carhill?

Posted

Maybe she is nervous and wants to bring her daughter as a security type of thing? Do you know anything about her past history with relationships?

Talk to her and tell her how you feel-maybe she thinks you enjoy having the daughter come along?

  • Author
Posted
Maybe she is nervous and wants to bring her daughter as a security type of thing? Do you know anything about her past history with relationships?

Talk to her and tell her how you feel-maybe she thinks you enjoy having the daughter come along?

 

Yes, I do know a bit about her past relations, and the last two were pretty bad for her. Husband cheated on her and the last boyfriend pressured her to send the daughter to live with the father full time. I'm a decent enough human being to know that suggestion was stupid, inconsiderate, etc.

 

So, yes, she's had a rough time. So have I, but I'm not taking it out on her. I would assume that after three dates with her and her daughter she'd get the hint that 1) I'm aware that they are a "package deal" (geez, there we go - I just threw up), and 2) that I actually LIKE the daughter, too.

 

And to be honest, I really did enjoy the "dates" we've had with the daughter. The latest was going bowling and we had a blast. I'm cool with that, otherwise I wouldn't be dating her. But that was it for last weekend. We did that and nothing else. I got a brief "goodbye" hug at the end of that and nothing more, not that I'm even comfortable showing her affection in front of her daughter anyways.

 

Alright, apologies to everyone for being short tempered, but I just had to vent. Further suggestions definitely appreciated.

Posted
and the last two were pretty bad for her. Husband cheated on her and the last boyfriend pressured her to send the daughter to live with the father full time.

 

Maybe that is why she's pushing time with her family and daughter on you. Kind of so her family can feel you out, so to speak?

 

Vent away all you want!

  • Author
Posted
Maybe that is why she's pushing time with her family and daughter on you. Kind of so her family can feel you out, so to speak?

 

Vent away all you want!

 

I do appreciate your time and responses. And deep down, I feel that this is what she's doing, but again, I feel like I'm being compared to the last two guys she's been with, and that's not really too fair, because 1) I'd never cheat on anyone, 2) I'd never hit her or her daughter, and 3) I actually like her daughter and have told her so. Sure, words aren't everything, but what's the harm in getting a little sugar every now and then in between exams?

Posted

"Zone" refers to "Friend zone." Don't think that's going on, but something to watch out for.

 

I don't think you are short-tempered at all. Just frustrated and understandably so. You sound like a good guy. Every couple needs time together, especially in the beginning. That's all you are wanting.

 

Yes, it sounds like did have a rough time before you came along. I also had a bad time of it before I started dating again, and I wanted to be very careful to pick a better guy the next time around.

 

I probably communicated way TOO much to the first poor guy, but I wanted him to know where I was coming from and what I wanted.

 

Knowing what I know now, if I were you, I would talk to her and gently tell her what you want. Ask her what she wants, what she's able to give right now. Ask her what she's afraid of.

 

Tell her what you said here about wanting a relationship with her. Talk about what's important to each of you and how you want to build things together.

 

Really, the early part of a relationship is a total negotiation of the terms of the relationship. What's acceptable, what's not, etc....

 

Those conversations are good. As long as there is the passion factor, and a nice slow build up both physical and emotional intimacy.

Posted

And that is something eventually to talk to her about. Comparing you to the other guys and also her not letting go of her emotional baggage. It's unfair of her to put it on you and make you pay (in a sense) and make you jump through hoops to prove yourself to her (and her family) so to speak.

 

I have to ask, but has she made any effort to get to know you, understand you, ask questions about your life?

Posted

Oh, yeah, trust is the big thing here. Let her know that you are trustworthy and a good man. Ask her what she needs from you to feel that. She will tell you. Then do it (if it's inline with your own values and desires.)

 

That said, she needs to do her fair share to get over her past, too.

 

The family thing IS probably because she doesn't trust her own judgment right now after picking the last two losers.

 

Just be strong and say that you are a better man than her exes. Tell her you will do right by her at all times no matter what, but that you two also need time alone for things to progress.

 

I'm not saying she's using her daughter to avoid being alone with you, but if she's scared to get too close, then maybe it's a possibility?

Posted

Yeah, I agree with WWIU. Is she pulling her weight as an equal partner who is interested in YOUR life, YOUR wants, dreams, etc?....that's very important.

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