new here, any (guys, girls) would be appreciated

[swarm]

Hey everyone,

Well I will start off by explaining my situation, I was with my girlfriend for 3yrs. We were living together for about a year and a half up until recently. We started having some problems starting in december and by the end of december I ended up moving out because we both decided that space would be very beneficial to us. We went on a trip with my best friend(of 15 years) and his girlfriend and a few others after christmas and my "best friend" was going to leave his girlfriend when we got back. Long story short we all broke up on the same day! She said she felt she wasn't happy in her life and didn't know who she was anymore, kinda thing, and that we just need to take time apart and both get our stuff together so our relationship will work. Just to be clear she said I am in love with you, and this is not about being with anyone else at all. I am in love with this girl, period. Long story short, a week later she messages me saying we have to talk and that it needs to be in person. We meet up and she tells me that she and my "best friend" slept together! And then she said it was a huge mistake and she isnt into him blah blah whatever. Anyways this is where I am with this whole thing;she ended up seeing him, and I found out that he had been pursueing her for a few months while we were still together(still to this day) and she has tried to get back together with me three times since this started. She has reapetedly told me that she loves me and sees only me in her future, and that she is super confused and messed up in her life. She and I have been through alot of tough times and have made it through. Now we are at the point where she and I talked a week ago for 3 and half hours on the phone, talking about everything from our relationship, to sleeping with each other again to the dreams we have of each other and what we have both been up to etc. It was an awsome talk, and I still have so much hope that we might be able to reconcile one day. I know she misses me and loves me still. And the girl my "friend" dumped, she and I are close and have been hanging out,is going through the same thing with him. Hes telling her that its really a joke with him and my ex and that he will never love anyone like he loved her etc. On monday he sent her a pic of them, from a while ago, kissing(which I dont understand) and so now we are both thinking that they both know they blew it and want to come back to us. I have been NC with her for 6 days, and she is ignoring him as well. I just dont know what to do or think here. I want to start over with her and work things out(which I know will take a long time) but she is worth it no matter what.I just need to know what to do with her, evertime I dont talk to her for more than a week or two she messages me saying "we were to close for to long to shut each other out and I want to be able to talk to you still and I feel like I cant and it makes me truely sad" so how should I go about dealing with her? Should I ignore her and let her come crawling back? Should I talk casually with her until we start hanging out and make a move slowly until she realizes what we really had? Any suggestions would be helpful, I am just sick about all of this and really dont know what to think, sorry for the long post.

P.S his ex is telling me that they will both for sure come crawling back, based on what she is seeing from both of them. Im glad I at least have a girl on my side giving me good advice. BTW if I sound crazy, please be gentle, love often conincides with insanity LOL!

[xpaperxcutx]

With regards to your ex, it seems she's really regreting having slept with your best friend. Having been with her for so long, do you feel that she's been sincere so far? Has she ever lied to you to betray your trust?

 

In almost all cases regarding cheating SO's, it's strongly adviced that the one cheated on, should not be quick to fall back into the emotional rollercoaster of their exes. Because more often than not, it's hard for any cheaters to truly repent. But I say your girlfriend only had this happened to her out of a moment of weakness. Do you feel that it's short enough of an offense to get back with her? Do you feel you can truly forgive her?

 

If you're not ready, I don't think you should let her emotional pleads pull in you in. It's tempting to want to get back with an ex that begs, but in the long run you have to contemplate whether it's worth it or not. It's best to just stay friends with her at this point, if you're not willing to break off all contact from her. Only when you realize that her actions have shown to you that you can truly trust her should you consider getting back with her.

Edited March 8, 2008 by xpaperxcutx

[swarm]

yeah, its really weird she has never EVER done anything like this. I mean technically she didnt cheat on me(but one week after with my best friend, there is no difference) and now she is dating him. The weird thing is that even though they are doing their thing, she seems really unsure about everything. Heres the thing, the main reason she left me, i think from what she has told me, was she felt unsatisfied with our sex life and she thought certain things about me werent going to change. And this guy, my old best friend, was useing her insecurity and "our" problems to his advantage to get with her. He totally scoped her up from me and took advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable spot. He is a total scumbag and she knows all of this about him. She says she is in a tough spot because all of our friends(we have a very close knit group of people) have pretty much alienated them from the group in a way, and all they have now is each other. Which is a total cop out, but it does kinda make sense. Anyways she has told me that their relationship is a total joke and that she knows its not going to work out or be a long term thing. idk why i am even letting myself hang around to even hear this crap from her. The reality is that I changed and went from being an alpha male type to an actual nice guy in our relationship and so I think that kinda turned her off, IDK, but I know the only way to get back with her( since she is not begging, and she hasnt even spoke to me in a week) would be to start over and be friends and slowly show her hat I am the guy that she fell in love with. It was so weird when we spoke last week she said if we were hanging out regularly that she would"jump my bones in a heartbeat" that would be the clean version of what she actually said. I brought up the fact that if we were to be "Just friends" that we would for sure start having sex. And she said that would for sure happen. I am just getting such mixed signals from her, and we went from being super couple, doing everything together and totally happy, to on and off contact and it has been slowly getting less and less as I have started to back off alot. So I have been in NC for a week and I am afraid she is just going to fall out of love with me and will just get over it. Is it possible that she is feeling just as bad as I am? Even though she is kinda seeing some one, does anyone think that she still misses me alot and thinks about me? She says she does but idk what to believe with her anymore. Girls chime in here if you have any experiance with this whole thing. Thanks for the reply so far.

[xpaperxcutx]

yeah, its really weird she has never EVER done anything like this. I mean technically she didnt cheat on me(but one week after with my best friend, there is no difference) and now she is dating him. The weird thing is that even though they are doing their thing, she seems really unsure about everything. Heres the thing, the main reason she left me, i think from what she has told me, was she felt unsatisfied with our sex life and she thought certain things about me werent going to change. And this guy, my old best friend, was useing her insecurity and "our" problems to his advantage to get with her. He totally scoped her up from me and took advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable spot. He is a total scumbag and she knows all of this about him. She says she is in a tough spot because all of our friends(we have a very close knit group of people) have pretty much alienated them from the group in a way, and all they have now is each other. Which is a total cop out, but it does kinda make sense. Anyways she has told me that their relationship is a total joke and that she knows its not going to work out or be a long term thing. idk why i am even letting myself hang around to even hear this crap from her. The reality is that I changed and went from being an alpha male type to an actual nice guy in our relationship and so I think that kinda turned her off, IDK, but I know the only way to get back with her( since she is not begging, and she hasnt even spoke to me in a week) would be to start over and be friends and slowly show her hat I am the guy that she fell in love with. It was so weird when we spoke last week she said if we were hanging out regularly that she would"jump my bones in a heartbeat" that would be the clean version of what she actually said. I brought up the fact that if we were to be "Just friends" that we would for sure start having sex. And she said that would for sure happen. I am just getting such mixed signals from her, and we went from being super couple, doing everything together and totally happy, to on and off contact and it has been slowly getting less and less as I have started to back off alot. So I have been in NC for a week and I am afraid she is just going to fall out of love with me and will just get over it. Is it possible that she is feeling just as bad as I am? Even though she is kinda seeing some one, does anyone think that she still misses me alot and thinks about me? She says she does but idk what to believe with her anymore. Girls chime in here if you have any experiance with this whole thing. Thanks for the reply so far.

 

What you need most to focus on is yourself and healing from your ex's betrayal. You'll find out that after a while that you'll no longer have that feeling for her as you did before. It might take a while but you'll get there. The only reason I urge you to forget her is because her behaviour so far does not indicate in any way that she'll want to get back with you because she "loves" you. She's currently in a relationship with your best friend, and as you had mentioned, she's a bit uncertain about it. Which means that she's not satisfied with the current relationship and would rather just get back with you for the sake of being back in the social circle.

Of course she may be more flirtatious now, but that's to make you want her back.

 

And if she had been the one to break it off the first time, I hardly doubt that she would not do it the second time around. You wrote that she was unsatisfied with the relationship she had with you, why would she be so willing to get back in a relationship with you now? Normally a girl who renews a relationship with an ex, provided they were the dumper in the case, would choose to do so if they felt the guy's changed. But given so little time as it is, I doubt she's doing it for the sake of being in a deep relationship with YOU. I think she just wants to be back in the comfort of actually being in one, where you shower her with affection and attention that she might not be receiving from your friend.

 

But that's all my assumptions. But even so, I still recommend that you maintain NC, and just focus on yourself right now. Take the flirtings as flirtings only and don't look any further into them.

[swarm]

xpaperxcutx,

Yeah I know what I need to do, its a really hard situation. Like I said the weird part is that she still tells me stuff that people don't say when they dont mean it you know? Especially when they break up, and from what I understand when a girl breaks off a LTR shes pretty much made up her mind about it. So I have been getting better but I saw her driving last night on my way home and she text me today saying that she saw me last night and asked how im doing(this is after 9 days of no contact) and I responded shortly and said, yeah i thought that was you and I am doing really good. And she said that shes pretty good etc and I cut it short and said I was walking into a meeting but im glad shes doing well and to take care. Then I saw her today at an A.A meeting(like I said we are both in A.A and have a close group of friends and we go to the same meetings) and she showed up with him in his car:( So its hard, I know that its just a rebound thing(thats my opinion) but I think if she had any thought of being with me again she would not be with anyone right now, especailly HIM! So its hard but like I said she is a very codependent person who cant be alone, he manipulated her and kinda swooped her up from me, I know she absolutely has a part, and they are just doing their thing. I am friends with his ex, and he is sending her messages and picture of them from when they were together and she still wants to be with him. So she and I are helping each other cope with this and she helps me figure out what certain things mean when my ex messages me or whatever. I feel like it might be over for good but who knows what is going to happen. I know that I am still in love with her and that I have some hope but thats really it. I really do want her to be happy. Thats why I do the whole NC thing, but she seems to get tripped out when I cut contact. I do think she is still in love with me she is just really emotionally sick right now and I dont want any part of that. Sorry for such a long reply. Its still very heavy on my mind after almost 2 months.

[MalachiX]

Please, please, please put paragraph breaks in your post. They are your friend. They're there to help people read stuff without developing sever migranes.

[swarm]

sorry everyone, obviously i am a noob:)thanks for the tip