Will there be a second chance? Or am I dreaming?

[BudgieSmuggler]

Disclaimer: I originally posted this in the Breaks/Breakups forum, not here, I think it belongs here better though. Apologies if you read this twice.

 

Hi all,

 

I'm going to try and condense my incredibly long story into a short form cause I'm getting desperate for some encouraging &/or brutally harsh and honest words to help me through my situation.

 

Where to begin?

 

Basically a girl who I'd been seeing and dating for about a year we broke up in December- to cut the long version of events short, basically when I met her, I had gotten out of 3.5 year relationship, and so we took things very slow because I actually fell head over heals for this girl, but was cautious because of how powerful my feelings were and how fresh I was out of a long term relationship.

 

We had during that year, some periods where I intentionally distanced myself (after discussing my issues with her) so that I could have some time to be 'free' and deal with my issues - during one of these periods I actually did have a short fling with a girl who truthfully was my rebound from my last relationship, and after all that my feelings didn't change a bit - I was still head over heels for this girl who'd just appeared in my life shortly after my break up.

 

We had ons/offs etc over this period, but basically we broke up in December because she sensed that I wasn't putting in any effort and was taking a very armchair approach to the relationship - I've come to realise this behaviour was linked to my lack of readiness for the relationship, and have learned that in order not to get hurt, I was deliberately distancing myself from her.

 

After the break up, she did not stop contacting, wanting me back - she's confessed to me that she loved me more than she's ever loved anybody before. She told me she wanted me back and wanted to give things another try - we kept seeing each other throughout this period.

 

Eventually she gave me NC for about 2 weeks, and in that period I re-assessed everything and actually processed the **** that I couldn't process while she was still in the background - I concluded I want her back, and that I was more ready than ever to give things a proper shot.

 

We met for a drink, I told her, she didn't really believe me, and told me that shed started 'seeing someone'. I learnt that she had only met this guy 4 days prior to our drink, and that he has a 2 year old daughter (this girl is only 21). It became known to me that she was disappearing with them (the guy and the kid) for the weekend.

 

I got weak and called her best friend for some sort of support (still not entirely sure why) while she was away - her best friend comforted me and said that she couldn't understand her actions, that this guy was "all wrong" for her and that she hopes things work out in my favour.

 

I learnt that on that weekend they decided to declare themselves an item - that hurt like nothing I'd ever felt before and I had to do something - i wrote a letter to her, short and sweet, stating exactly how I felt.

 

 

 

 

She called me after reading it and said:

• Not doing this to hurt you
  
• Still have a lot of love for you
  
• Doing my own thing right now
  
• Think that we can work possibly in the future, but not now, can we be friends in the meantime?

Trying to condense the info here... lol - since then for 2 weeks she contacted me every day for one reason or another. She went to one of my friends parties and brought a girlfriend with her - she flirted with me ridiculously and said she missed my family / my parents, asked me how the house renovations were going and said that she wanted to come and see them sometime soon- "How's tuesday?" she says.

 

She came over that tuesday, was all plutonic and whatever, then left and I didn't hear from her for about 1.5 weeks.

 

Valentines day came and I made her a card that reflected a card she'd given me a year prior - I dropped it in her letterbox and she didn't respond, until Sunday (4 days after V.Day) when I had a weak moment again and tried to call her best friend again - she messaged me somewhat angry just asking me to 'leave her alone'.

 

4 Days after that message she called me while I was at work, apologised for her actions, told me that she didn't mean to get my hopes up with the way she'd been flirting with me, told me that she still "has love for me" and is confused, asked if we could just aim at this stage for a friendship and see where things go. She was crying throughout this conversation and even confessed that the other guy she was seeing had been reasonably comfortable about her wanting to catch up with me, but that he probably wouldn't be so happy if he knew she was crying about us.

 

That night she calls me and asks if I'm going to the pub - incidentally I was, and she said "great cya there"- she was flirty with me again at the pub even dropping one liners like "haha... I'm so coming back to you" at one point in the conversation - she left and said we'd catch up really soon. This was 10 days ago, on a thursday evening.

 

Monday afternoon I called her and we had a good 5-10 minute general catch up chat - I asked her what she was doing Tuesday night, she told me she was working till 9pm. I said 'there goes that idea', and she asked me what I was thinking - I said "i was going to ask if you want to see a movie, but maybe some other time hey?".

 

Her response was: "Well I'm sure there'll be something on for us to see after 9pm... Besides, if theres not, there's always Wed or Thurs night - I'm free then too." Shortly after that conversation, we agreed on a time / place to meet on Tuesday night for some movie. At 9:30pm I got a text message from her saying she wouldn't be able to make it. I called her and asked what had happened and she got very awkward "umm..." I told her she'd said enough and that I was going to let her be.

 

She sent me another txt shortly thereafter saying that she didn't want to put the other guy in a difficult position make him feel uncomfortable etc. etc.... and that was that last contact I had with her.

 

So here I am, sitting on 8 days of no contact with a very long (and messy) story but the truth is I don't know what to do. Her friends who've met "other guy" tell me that he's boring etc, and not what she would normally go for, her best friend assures me it has rebound written all over it, but I just don't get it.

 

Thoughts/opinions are welcome.

[vivrantflo]

Hey Bud, welcome to the club... Club "Plan B"

 

She's keeping you on a string and it's working for her. You need to cut contact with her, and move on with your life.

 

She's being very selfish, and my ex actually used the same tactics and lines with me, that yours used..

 

"I have love for you" "I don't want to hurt you" "I can see us back together down the road, but not now" "You know im coming back to you right?"

 

It's evil, and selfish.. cause she wants to keep you around just in case her current relationship doesn't work out. In the meantime, she's banging another dude..

 

She is no longer your woman, she's someone else's woman.. and unless you come to terms with that.. this is gonna eat you up.

 

When a woman says that she can see herself with you down the road, but not now.. She's pretty much admitting that you're the second choice! And you deserve better than that.

 

NC and make her decision final.. No emails, no phone calls, no texts, and no movies.. every time you hang out with her and talk to her, you're making it easier for her to make the transition from you to him. Let the reality of your broken relationship hit her just as hard as it's hitting you. Cut contact, tell her to leave you alone, and move on with you life.. go on dates, and hang out with buddies..

 

Don't play her stupid game anymore.

[s_n_d]

vivrantflo is right.

You need to move on or TRY to. This is the woman who once told you that you can work things out in the future but IN THE MEANTIME she wants to see other people...

This is not someone who truly cares about YOU.

 

You need someone SO much better.

[BudgieSmuggler]

It's funny that you say that, unfortunately as much as I hate to admit it I can't really blame her for her actions - they bear a striking simularity to mine but with mine there was no 3rd person involved.

 

While she was chasing me and wanting me back, I didn't understand at the time but really I was stringing her along - It wasn't intentional, it just happened. In essence her choice to start something with this guy was a consequence of the fact that she'd decided "Enough's enough" with me, and now that I've tried to re-enter her life she's confused about what to do about it (as far as I can tell).

[daphne]

budgie,

 

I'm glad you realize that there are two sides to your story. She tried to make it work, and now that she knows you can go away and hurt her (and from the sound of it, you really did) she's not in any rush to try it out again. This guy is a rebound. He hasn't hurt her, however, and that's probably why she's still with him. He's safe, even if a rebound.

 

It probably won't last. However, that doesn't mean she'll come back to you.

 

I do, however, think that you need to back off but don't take it personally. You did it to her. Now it's your time to be patient. But she's "feeling herself" as it were, and I wouldn't reward that behavior.

 

Back off and get back to your life. This is kind of a test. She's overplayed her hand, or I'd recommend that you stay in her life and be patient. For now, I'd just be a wallflower and get on with your life. You'll hear from her again.

[BudgieSmuggler]

A curious update today, not entirely sure what to make of it...

 

Her best friend messaged me today saying "Hey, just wanted to say hi and I hope things are looking up for you. Xx"... EDIT: To which my reply was simply "Hey, thx for ur msg... Yeah things are starting to look up for me. Hope all's well in ur world."

 

 

 

Interesting because to me it's either:

1. Genuine Concern / Wanting to make sure I'm doing alright - her friend already indicated to me some time ago that she reckons we should get back together, and based on the conversation I had with my ex 2 weeks back, she's still of that opinion.
   
2. A means of my EX breaking NC without actually breaking NC - if she was with her friend she may have indicated that she's trying to maintain NC but wanted to know how I was doing all the same?
   
3. Something far more sinister - read between the lines and you either get a "Hey buddy, I hope ur coping, p.s. I'm still on your side and I hope you guys work it out" or, "Hey mate, FYI hope ur coping alright because based on what she just said to me, it's not about to go ur way."

There goes that over analytical mind of mine again... God how I'd give anything just to know how she's doing. I've developed a few "plans" on what's best for my situation and I'm having trouble discerning between them. Input would be appreciated

1. Break NC if it's not already broken, in about 1 week's time - a simple 'So how've you been?' - Idea being to give her space, not pressure her, but let her know I'm still here and I still care about her.
   
2. Maintain radio silence - simple (yet difficult!), keep up the NC...
   
3. Lay it out there - Tell her in plain terms that I respect her need for space, respect her need for time, understand that she's confused, but that I need her to know that I'm hurting, and if I should be moving on, then please tell me.
   
4. Friends plan - Call her and tell her I'm feeling much better about things and I'm happy to start building that friendship that we talked about, at least that way we can spend time together and begin repairing some of the damage from our past so that if the opportunity presents itself a rebuild could happen.

Ok so that's what my over-active mind has come up with- I know I know I shouldn't sit down and think about all this stuff, but the truth is I cannot switch it off... no matter how hard I try. At least I know one thing - I really do love her and care for her like no other girl I've met before... There's a certain satisfaction that comes from knowing exactly how I feel, if nothing else.

[vivrantflo]

Responses to your four options..

 

1. NC was moderately broken.. I would avoid talking to her friends for sure.. Dont messege her either.. you don't need to "remind her" that you're there, and still care for her.. she knows this.. anyway, if you do that, you're helping her stay with the other guy, cause she has no fear of losing you for good.. cause... you're still there.

 

2. This is what you should do. Keep it up.

 

3. You don't need to tell her that you're respecting her request for time and space.. just give it to her by not talking to her. She knows your hurting, but in actuality, she doesn't care.. She's moving on with her life, therefore you don't need HER consent for you to do that also.

 

4. No. No friends.. you still love her and want her back. Why would you want to be friends with her when she has a man?? So she can cry to you when they get in a fight? I've been there, and let me tell you, there's no worse feeling than that. You two will fight, cause you'll always want something more than what she wants.. Did you like getting stood up for that movie? No. Friends = NOT a good idea.

 

Im gonna be honest.. I think you'll hear from her again, but not for a while.. Don't wait for her, and move on with your life. If you two are meant to be together, you will be. Stick with the NC