serendip Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Here's my story...she lives on the west coast...I live on the east coast http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t144293/ The ex basically told me she'll be coming back to my city in a few weeks...she didn't ask to meet up or anything...so I don't know why she told me that information. But I am glad she told me b/c I don't want a repeat of the New Years Eve fiasco....where I was doing fantastic and out of no where she texts me that she is down the street from where I live. I freaked out and ask her what she wanted and if she wanted to meet up...but she just left me hanging without a reply until the next day...saying it was getting late and she had to go home. At least knowing she'll be in town...I won't be caught off guard. I am contemplating whether to not respond or respond with 'good to hear'. If I don't respond...what will my silence say? If I respond with 'good to hear'...I think it would say to her...I'm not angry or bitter and it doesn't matter to me. Part of me would like to meet up with her if she's in town since we haven't seen each other in a long time(April 2007). It would be nice to see her one last time but at the same time I run the risk of setting my healing process back big time...also she didn't actually say she wants to meet up.
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Silence speaks volumes. Say nothing to her and carry on with your life as if she was never a part of it. Cheers.
Author serendip Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 I failed to mention I was the dork who initiated the contact after a couple of weeks of not responding to her last contact...with a drunken text of... 'How are you doing now a days' She responded with this I'm doing great thanks keeping busy going back to (my town) in a few weeks
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 I failed to mention I was the dork who initiated the contact after a couple of weeks of not responding to her last contact...with a drunken text of... 'How are you doing now a days' She responded with this I'm doing great thanks keeping busy going back to (my town) in a few weeks Meh. If you love and respect yourself, you'll put her (and keep her) in your past. You won't dwell on the past but welcome the future. She's tossing out breadcrumbs of her attention and you're snorting them up line a coke line. Stop it. Love and respect yourself first for foremost. Once you do, you'll not want her in your life anymore. Stop contacting her. Just cut her off and move on.
Trimmer Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Her text didn't really require a response. If she had asked explicitly if you wanted to meet up, or some other direct query, then your silence would be a different thing (and possibly still advisable...) But there's no discomfort if you texted: "Hi, howzit?" and she sends back "Fine, keeping busy; I'll be in <town> in a few weeks." I think the conversation can comfortably just end right there. If you have any feeling that meeting her would set you back (and there's ample experience on LS of this...) then don't do it. That "one last time" instinct will be the death of you. The "one last time" already happened; time to keep yourself turned forward toward your future. You had a short, civil exchange, which ended without leaving anyone hanging, or any questions unanswered, and which there's no reason to repeat in the future. Done. Move on.
Author serendip Posted February 28, 2008 Author Posted February 28, 2008 The "one last time" already happened; time to keep yourself turned forward toward your future. Well the last time we saw each other(last April) ...we were still in a relationship. We were talking about marriage and kids....had a fantastic 10 days together. I broke up with her in late may over the phone b/c I found out she went behind my back...and went out with the guy she cheated on me with....and then all the drama ensued. Since then we haven't seen each other. But you are right...if meeting her even sets me back...it's not worth the risk. ...and who's to say she even wants to meet up...she just told me she will be in town...is all. She could be in town...so she could introduce her new boyfriend(don't know if she has one...don't care) to her parents...or she might have a boyfriend here...or whatever... ...based on past lessons learned...I don't want to freak out if she contacts me when she's in town if she is playing a game. I wrote her off for the tenth time today And practiced all the things I would say When she came over I lost my nerve I took her back and made her dessert Now I know I'm being used But that's okay man cause I like the abuse I know she's playing with me But that's okay cause I've got no self esteem
CaliGuy Posted February 28, 2008 Posted February 28, 2008 Well the last time we saw each other(last April) ...we were still in a relationship. We were talking about marriage and kids....had a fantastic 10 days together. I broke up with her in late may over the phone b/c I found out she went behind my back...and went out with the guy she cheated on me with....and then all the drama ensued. Since then we haven't seen each other. But you are right...if meeting her even sets me back...it's not worth the risk. ...and who's to say she even wants to meet up...she just told me she will be in town...is all. She could be in town...so she could introduce her new boyfriend(don't know if she has one...don't care) to her parents...or she might have a boyfriend here...or whatever... ...based on past lessons learned...I don't want to freak out if she contacts me when she's in town if she is playing a game. I wrote her off for the tenth time today And practiced all the things I would say When she came over I lost my nerve I took her back and made her dessert Now I know I'm being used But that's okay man cause I like the abuse I know she's playing with me But that's okay cause I've got no self esteem Keep reading the words of that great song and remind yourself of that. She cheated on you. She doesn't respect you. She thinks she has you wrapped around her finger. Does she? If you meet her, if you respond to her, she does.
EllaDerSpin Posted February 29, 2008 Posted February 29, 2008 I don't know. It could be ANY reason that she wants the contact. Nobody can really know. Either you are ready to be just friends, or you aren't. It doesn't sound as though you are. If you are not ready to communicate, then don't.
Author serendip Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 Hey Spin...I didn't know that you had a new name I find myself healing good...I think I'm at the point where I just had enough(I am becoming desensitized)...I haven't responded to her text of her coming to my town in a few weeks and I don't even care about the reason she's coming. I am even thinking if she were to ask me to meet up while she's in town...I am considering saying "No Thanks"....which is a good thing. Of course we have to see if that's put into practice.
CaliGuy Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 (edited) Hey Spin...I didn't know that you had a new name I find myself healing good...I think I'm at the point where I just had enough(I am becoming desensitized)...I haven't responded to her text of her coming to my town in a few weeks and I don't even care about the reason she's coming. I am even thinking if she were to ask me to meet up while she's in town...I am considering saying "No Thanks"....which is a good thing. Of course we have to see if that's put into practice. Better thing to do. If she sends you a text saying anything at all, ignore it. Again, she cheated on you. She took you for granted. She used you, in a way. She got what she wanted then moved on to someone else. If there is no other motivation for you to stick to NC with her, the above paragraph should do it, but let me add more. When you love and respect yourself you'll never allow people like her to treat you that way or allow them into your life a second time. Edited March 3, 2008 by CaliGuy
EllaDerSpin Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 When you love and respect yourself you'll never allow people like her to treat you that way or allow them into your life a second time. It's also okay to forgive the people we once loved, but, only when we are truly ready to.
EllaDerSpin Posted March 3, 2008 Posted March 3, 2008 Hey Spin...I didn't know that you had a new name. Hey thats ok. It was a bit cryptic.
Author serendip Posted March 3, 2008 Author Posted March 3, 2008 It's also okay to forgive the people we once loved, but, only when we are truly ready to. What kept me from hanging on in the beginning of the breakup was trying to find out why?...She still doesn't know why when I ask in January?? or at least she won't tell me. She has told me several times since our break up that she really did loved me, thought we had a future together in that she wanted to marry me be(back in Sept), told me how special I was to her(back in Dec) and most recently said that I was the best that she ever had(also most horrible drama). But it makes me wonder about some things...If what she says is true and she is being honest with me and to herself...then I have to question why she would jeopardize her own happiness by cheating and then going behind my back and seeing the guy again after I had forgiven her and also why would she not fight for our relationship afterwards. Also actions speak louder then words. Now I don't even care about why...I want to forgive her...I honestly do...with all my heart(it would be so much easier for me to move on). I know I made my mistakes after the break up...and I took full responsibility for them. The only reason I haven't forgiven her is b/c she hasn't really taken responsibility for her actions(making excuses, being defensive and blaming me) and that's also why I don't think I could be friends with her(who wants a friend like that...selfish).
Author serendip Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 Well...I just got another text from the ex today "how r yu there days" does she even read before she texts...if you are gonna send something to your ex (whom you are not on good terms with) at least you can do is proof read your text before you send it also didn't we do this dance last week...she already knows how I'm doing...I responded saying 'well'...i didn't respond to her last text saying she was coming to my town and i most likely won't respond to this text what's the point...at least have something interesting to say to me if you gonna text instead of doing the same dance as the previous week
EllaDerSpin Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 She is trying to be friends. If you don't want to, just tell her.
Author serendip Posted March 6, 2008 Author Posted March 6, 2008 we went through the how are you doing last week...what do we do it every week we haven't even spoken with one another on the phone since last june we don't see eye to eye...what kind of friendship is that
CaliGuy Posted March 6, 2008 Posted March 6, 2008 we went through the how are you doing last week...what do we do it every week we haven't even spoken with one another on the phone since last june we don't see eye to eye...what kind of friendship is that It's not. She's simply feeding you breadcrumbs to make sure you're on her line in case she decides she wants you, if she ever does. It's her way of maintaining control. That's why you don't respond. If she really loved and missed you and wanted you in her life she'd stop at nothing to get to you. Breadcrumbs. Pass 'em up.
Author serendip Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 I haven't responded to her but if she tries to contact me again...would this response be appropriate? I don't know what your intentions are but I just want to communicate openly and honestly so that we can both fully heal If you are not up for that then I would prefer you don't contact me anymore
vivrantflo Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 No it wouldnt.... cause everyone here is telling you NOT to contact her.. yet you're finding reasons to. Caliguy just explained it to you... this is her way of maintaining control of the situation.. she's giving you pity attention, and you're considering playing up to it. Just leave her alone and move on with your life! I don't know what your intentions are but I just want to communicate openly and honestly so that we can both fully heal SHE doesn't need to heal... YOU need to heal.. and you can only do that with NC.. stop playing her game.. I guarantee... if you respond to her, you're just getting the ball rolling for you getting hurt once again.
Author serendip Posted March 7, 2008 Author Posted March 7, 2008 Just leave her alone and move on with your life! Huh? V, I'm not the one contacting her. She's the one who's been initiating the contact in the last little while. I'm the one who decides to respond or not...I have not responded to her last two texts. But I know she will contact me again. All I'm saying is if she wants to have a honest discussion...then I will other wise I'm telling her to leave me alone. But you are right it has to stop at some point. I can't continue this or I won't heal.
vivrantflo Posted March 7, 2008 Posted March 7, 2008 Right.. what I meant by leave her alone, is leave her and the situation alone. What do you want an honest discussion about?? Seriously.. She's expressed no desire to have one, and even if she did.. what do you want to hear from her? She cheated on you, barely showed any remorse...started banging other guys..played you like a Nintendo DS at New Years.. and you want to have a discussion with her? Just continue to ignore her texts..it shouldnt matter if she moved into the house next to yours.. you don't want a woman like that in your life! No one is knocking you for still loving her.. I understand you do.. but the only way you can detach from her is if you keep her extracted from your life.. physically and emotionally. You'll know when you're ready to ever talk to her again.. it's the point where you don't care if you talk to her again or not.. feel me?
CaliGuy Posted March 8, 2008 Posted March 8, 2008 Huh? V, I'm not the one contacting her. She's the one who's been initiating the contact in the last little while. I'm the one who decides to respond or not...I have not responded to her last two texts. But I know she will contact me again. All I'm saying is if she wants to have a honest discussion...then I will other wise I'm telling her to leave me alone. But you are right it has to stop at some point. I can't continue this or I won't heal. When he says "leave her alone" he means don't respond to her attempts at contacts. Once again my friend - BREADCRUMBS. She wants a reaction out of you so she knows you are still on her life when and IF she ever decides to talk to you. Prove to yourself that you don't need her and stick to NC. Nothing good can come of this because she isn't saying the magic words: "I love you, I screwed up really bad and I want you back." Unless she says those words any attempt at contact with you is merely PLAYING YOU FOR A FOOL. Cheers.
Author serendip Posted March 11, 2008 Author Posted March 11, 2008 Once again my friend - BREADCRUMBS. she isn't saying the magic words: "I love you, I screwed up really bad and I want you back." Well I got more 'breadcrumbs'...gotta another text from her yesterday Im going to be in (my home town) in a few weeks been enjoying the sunny weather here its like paradise ...the ex is really pushing the fact that she's coming to my city in a few weeks. She's already told me this in a previous text as a side note. Now it's the main attraction...funny she doesn't ask me to meet up..but just keeps on telling me that she will be in town. I suppose she wants me to ask her to meet up...forget about that. I didn't reply to this text either. Btw Caliguy...I did get the "magic words" already when we first broke up..she said them to me but she continued to hang out with the guy she cheated on me with.
iwish Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 I'm not sure if this is relevant, but years ago before my current ex (another story).. i was dating a spanish girl, we lived together and were very much in love.. After a while she had to go back to spain, so i went with her.. because we were very happy.. 6 months into living in a foreign country she broke up with me .. said she wanted time..., i waited in spain for 6 months.. waited for her to come back... she never did.. I then got back to my country and continued to hope for the next 8 months.. and then the bombshell, she was actually seeing another guy.. that's why she broke up with me. Now the point to this story is, is that it was 4 years ago.. in that time she called me every now and again for comfort to say that so and so has dumped her.. and i used to cheer her up and make her feel special again.. i still had feelings for the girl and still hoped that maybe we would get back together... That was until my last ex, who i am now obsessing over!!! since me and my last ex have broken up, i have used the spanish girl to help me come to terms with my loss, we have met up a few times and she is interested in starting our relationship again.. Now here's the point, i really loved this girl, i really really did, but now 4 years on, i am not in the slightest bit interested in her.. I saw her recently and i was like, what the hell was so special about you! and it felt good to feel that.. so maybe that will be the same for all of us again.. Maybe serndip, you will see her and you won't even think anything of her anymore.. maybe? i just wish i thought that about my current ex!
CaliGuy Posted March 11, 2008 Posted March 11, 2008 Well I got more 'breadcrumbs'...gotta another text from her yesterday Im going to be in (my home town) in a few weeks been enjoying the sunny weather here its like paradise ...the ex is really pushing the fact that she's coming to my city in a few weeks. She's already told me this in a previous text as a side note. Now it's the main attraction...funny she doesn't ask me to meet up..but just keeps on telling me that she will be in town. I suppose she wants me to ask her to meet up...forget about that. I didn't reply to this text either. Btw Caliguy...I did get the "magic words" already when we first broke up..she said them to me but she continued to hang out with the guy she cheated on me with. So the rule is: "Don't believe what people SAY to you. Believe what they SHOW you by their actions." You can't trust her. She's a liar. Move on to greener pastures and let that old cow chew her cud on someone else's range.
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