Redemption!

[btc8]

After having received an unexpected text message from my ex this morning (whom I broke up with on Saturday, but was feeling that I had made a mistake, see my previous posting), which read "I miss you." I was feeling rather ambivalent about the whole 'moving on' idea after I read this text, so I decided to email him and ask what's up. Here's my first email (all names have been changed to protect supposed innocent parties).

 

Just a little background: He's 30, and I am 22 (just about to graduate and then go on to get my PhD). He's been rather unhappy at his job, but he has taken no real efforts to do anything about it (like put his resumes out there or actively pursue leads). He has had about 3 jobs in the last two and half years. He was very caring and great when we first started seeing each other, but after about three months, he totally changed. He was depressed more than ever, and started drinking more (he rarely drinked in the first few months I met him). He became rather distant, and despite his confessions to his friends that I was the reason why he kept going at his current job and life (I was present when he said that), and his constant "I love you's", he decided that he would just up and move to some place where his sister owned a business. Okay here are the emails:

 

Him,

 

I feel awful. I really, really think I made a mistake. I am trying to move on, but I can't. I know that with the place 12 hours away thing it would be pretty much impossible for us to have any sort of relationship long distance, and I know that you're not going to change your life just for me. It just feels wrong for us not to be together. Do you still have feelings for me?

 

I know you've been depressed a lot lately about your job, and felt you drifting away. I just feel like we shouldn't be apart, and I am willing to work on this relationship only if you are. But you have to tell me if you still want me in your life so that I can move on.

 

Please reply.

 

Me

 

To which he replied:

 

Me:

 

I'm not ignoring you. I'm at work and having somewhat of a busy day.

 

I like you. I like spending time together. I haven't felt good at all lately and it doesn't feel like it's going away anytime soon.

 

I don't think it makes sense for us to continue a relationship where we want some kind of commitment but neither of us is capable of making one.

 

As much as I dislike saying so, I think you should move on so you can get over feeling bad.

 

Him.

 

At this point, my initial longing for him was replaced by anger. He was the one who never would talk about his problems despite my attempts to help him (I can relate to the depression he was suffering from). Here's what came out in my last reply:

 

Him,

 

I accept that you want to move on, and I am glad you told me so that I will be able to do so.

 

I don't need you to placate me. I don't care anymore that you still like me, or that you liked spending time with me. You push people away, and that's why you feel so bad.

 

This 'bad' feeling isn't something you can so non-chalantly throw around. I loved you; you also said that you loved me. You drug me along the past few months but did not want a commitment in the end. I did want a commitment; you're the one who didn't. So don't try to pretend that it was something that I wasn't capable of making.

 

You drug me along the past few months and then decided that you should try to move on with your life. I had such respect for you; you impressed me, and you made me feel safe and loved. You cannot escape your problems by moving to another state and starting a job at the beck and call of your sister--it's all an affectation. You try to drown your problems with substances, but yet you have no idea why you still feel so badly. I was there for you, but you pushed me away.

 

I am intelligent, driven, motivated, and willfully commited to moving on. I deserve better than this.

 

Thank you for allowing me to realize this.

 

ME

 

I cannot express how great this feeling is! This redemption that I no longer need his validation to be happy! This letter writing is extremely cathartic, and I suggest you all try it if you've ever not been reciporcated properly in a relationship.

 

It reminds me why was I ever head-over-heels for some guy who has to rely on his sister to get him a job? I have my whole life already planned (PhD in Pharmacology for the next 5 years, and Medical School after), and I realized that I deserve better than that!

 

This serves as inspiration for you all who are experiencing heart-breaking relationship break-ups. You all DESERVE better, and you WILL find it!

 

-Brad

 

[Belkin]

Lucky you! Free at last! I wish I could pass that magic step too...

[btc8]

Though now I am having feelings of guilt for having written this. But it's how I felt, why should I feel guilty? Plus, I think I feel bad because I really did love him, and I feel bad for being honest and probably hurting him.