still devastated nearly 1 year later

[saddad1]

My ex broke up with me 11 months ago saying that she just didnt love me anymore. We were together 6 years and have 3 kids, living together for 5.5yrs. She wasn't interested in us gettin back together no matter wot I did.

 

I meet someone else about 6 months ago, initially I thought it might make my ex jealous but it didnt. This girl is really hot and shes a great person also, I love her as a person but Im not in love with her; certainly not how I felt about my ex. I actually split with my new gf twice to give my ex another chance to accept me back but she didnt. I decided b4 Xmas that I couldnt chase my ex anymore and I'd jst have to get on wit my life.

 

The pain I had been feeling all last year was starting to fade but something happened 2day that brought back all the devastation and I jst cant stop crying. My ex is the love of my life and I still love her even though I feel a lot of bitterness towards her for breaking up our family without puttin any effort into our relationship (she blamed everything on me). She isnt in a new relationship but I know she has had one-night stands.

 

I jst dont know how Im going to cope when she is in a new relationship. I felt suicidal a few months ago - it lasted for about a month b4 I decided that I was goin to have a good life without her. Now Im afraid that I wont cope seeing her and a new man. I cant NC her because of the kids, we are tied "for life" and all I can see atm is a life of pain. I'm also worried that if I cant love my current gf that I wont b able to love anyone again, my current gf is beautiful n kind n understandin, any man would b lucky to have her but shes jst not my ex

 

Id like to hear any advice for coping when your ex is in a new relationship or any words from anyone who would like to totally NC their ex but cant because of children.

[Geishawhelk]

I believe you could do with counselling.

 

And you need to ditch your GF.

 

Have you any idea how devastated she will be to find she's constantly being compared, and coming up short? 2nd best through no fault of her own?

That is so unfair.

You either need to dedicate yourself to this girl 100% or cut her loose.

Man, If I was her, I'd be a bit sore...!

 

But I do think you need counselling.

[saddad1]

I know its unfair and selfish of me, I thought there was a real chance that I could love my new gf and I thought she was helping me move on. Its not that Im constantly comparing her - in fact if I was she would probably trump my ex. I probably do need counsilling.

[dfreeman]

But, when you lose the sweet, kind and beautiful woman that you have right now because of some woman that will never love you again, rush out and get help because you will really be suicidal.

 

Read all the NC stuff on here and try to apply it to FC (is there such a thing ass forced contact). Heal yourself or get help healing...if you got a wife to love you in the past and have kids & a beautiful woman that love you now, you must be one hell of a guy!

 

Stay here, read here and post here and you just might learn to count your blessings?

 

Good luck!

[saddad1]

Your first paragraph hit the nail on the head freeman. Im far from attractive plus I was left with major self-esteem problems after the split with my ex (she wouldnt sleep with me and I left the relationship feeling ugly and of course totally rejected). The new gf was a massive boost for me at the lowest point Ive ever been in my life.

 

I just wish that I could stop loving and pineing for my ex. I think the main reason I want back with her (apart from the fact that her and the kids were my whole life and I planned my whole future around us as a family) is that it feels "unresolved". What I mean by that is that I dont think my ex really knew how much I loved her - we didnt have a lot of time to be a couple cos of the kids. I tried to get my ex to go to counsilling with me when she first wanted to breakup but she wouldnt go. I tried to show her for months since we split that I loved her but she wasn't interested.

 

Im just in a mess atm because I know if I split with my new gf it'll be a kind of self-acceptance that I still love my ex and cant get over her. I dont want to be "going backwards" and I know that if Im single Ill be wanting my ex back REALLY badly. Sigh.

[dfreeman]

I just wish that I could stop loving and pineing for my ex. I think the main reason I want back with her (apart from the fact that her and the kids were my whole life and I planned my whole future around us as a family) is that it feels "unresolved". What I mean by that is that I dont think my ex really knew how much I loved her - we didnt have a lot of time to be a couple cos of the kids. I tried to get my ex to go to counsilling with me when she first wanted to breakup but she wouldnt go. I tried to show her for months since we split that I loved her but she wasn't interested.

 

:: Disclaimer ::

 

You hit close to home with me here, so you are getting my unadulterated feelings and response to the points as they relate to ME - I am not saying that they are the same in your case.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 

It took me about a week of wrestling to get a good grip on the whole idea of things being Unresolved. Unfortunately, the only conclusion that I came to was that things were unresolved for me - she had things resolved in her head just fine! Like you, I feel that I never got credit for the adoration, love and commitment that I gave to our relationship, but she knew that I didn't get a ring on her finger in 4 years of dating, and that was good enough for her (not the only reason we broke up, just an example out of the air).

 

Also like you, when things started to go really badly I recommended counseling. As much as she wanted to patch things up (and we did quite beautifully for at the time for almost a year), she refused to go to a counselor with me. Aside from the fact that she has some serious control and anger issues to deal with, I also suspect that she was afraid that it might come out that she was just not really in love with me anymore. I am not a big fan of counseling, but having her refuse it should have been the red flag I needed to get out last year?

 

I am sorry to say it to you, but this one seems lost to you...she is acting like somebody that is done-done and when a woman gets there, nothing changes her mind. I hope I'm wrong, but I just want you to wake up and look at your current gf and think of your kids. You are not going to be any good to anybody if you don't move past your wife and start to recognize the good that these people see in you. If the current gf is just a crutch, let her go for her good and be alone to fix yourself - if not, let her know how much you appreciate her and enjoy her company as you fix yourself.

 

Either way - Fix yourself...for you and for your kids

[Geishawhelk]

We all crave resolution and closure when it is not we that instigates the heartbreak.

We need an explanation, a why, an 'I'm sorry to have done this to you'.

We need that person to validate us and to tell us that yes, we're still special, and of course they still love us very much, just not in that way....

 

That would help.

That would lighten the load.

That would ease the pain, right?

 

OK saddad, you know it's not going to happen, right?

This is where I think your sadness lies.

Lack of closure.

I appreciate that you hit rock bottom with self-esteem, and that your self-image and -worth were at an all-time low.

But it kinda looks as if you have worked to keep them that way...

 

I'm going to receive such a slap one day... really I am, and a kick up the 'wherethedogshoulddabitya'... but here's the thing (brace yourself, *tough-talking* alert....:

 

"Whatever situation you find yourself in, however soul-destroying, violent, damaging, destructive and debilitating it is for you - whatever is happening to devalue your personal Dignity and self-worth - If you persist in remaining, inspite of everything and everyone telling you to the contrary - THERE'S A PAYOFF.

What's your Payoff?"

 

This question isn't about the practicalities....

At the end of the day, there is a moral/psychological payoff for you staying in the state of Mind you are in.

Something that is happening all the while, is feeding your sadness...

And you're feeding it.

What is it?

What (about feeling this way) is actually 'feeding' you?

 

Now I know it might anger you, and I have encountered much resistance to such a question, but trust me, I didn't invent it.

But if you can just take a deep breath and look at it long and hard, please believe me - there IS an answer.

 

Once you find it - once you realise that this yeaning for closure has developped into an addiction, a hunger - and that there is an aspect of warped nourishment to it (Oh, I get smacked up for this one!) there is a deep silent and subconscious part of you that enjoys this.... (man, I need to learn to duck....) I don't mean enjoy in the sense of rubbing your hands together in glee.... I mean there is a subtle, subconscious perverse feeding of a part of yourself that craves this continued pain.

 

Find it.

It may be all you have to be able to release from it for good.

 

Sorry.

*white flag waving.....*

[Miyamoto]

But if the mind wants pain, why not indulge it? Who can actually prove that pain=bad?

[Geishawhelk]

You have got to be joking....! You think the kind of pain saddad is going through is good pain?

The only good it's doing is to tell him he's got to get rid of it!

Pain (fuelled by Anger, Sadness and resentment) is the most destructive, debilitating and disabling pain there is.

It leaves you out of control, and what a person craves more than anything else, for themselves, is to be in control.

And self-Control is the most difficult - yet best - form of them all.

 

The Mind does not want pain. But an addicition is very hard to sever.

In the same way that an alcoholic's system craves alcohol, or a heroin addict's system craves heroin, these are all bad negative cravings - but the body still feels the need to have them.

So in this same way, an emotive 'body' may become so addicted to the sensory pain it feels, it then finds it hard to 'cure the habit'....

[Miyamoto]

You only say these things because you were fed them since you were born.

 

I have found that acceptance of pain, which is NOT going to go away until it's good and ready, helps much more. When you accept it, it is acknowledged, but it is not empowered - much like healing from a broken leg - and you can move forward in life still.

[Miyamoto]

Does the new gf know of your pain and attachment to your old lady? If so, and if she loves you, perhaps she could help support you through counseling, and maybe even go with you.

 

Is this possible?

[Geishawhelk]

You only say these things because you were fed them since you were born.

No, I wasn't. I learnt it at University.

 

I have found that acceptance of pain, which is NOT going to go away until it's good and ready, helps much more.

 

That's different. That's not saying that pain is wanted, or that it doesn't = bad. That's saying acknowleging pain and seeing it for what it is. Pain is a very general term for all kinds of manifested symptoms.

But it doesn't make it good or constructive. What you DO with it, is good or constructive.

 

Which is what I was saying.

 

When you accept it, it is acknowledged, but it is not empowered - much like healing from a broken leg - and you can move forward in life still.

 

THis is what I was recommending he did, in order to find his payoff.

You're basically saying the same as me, I just think it's a question of self-expression.

[saddad1]

No need to wave white flags gwhelk - I didnt get angry once reading ur post. I understand what u and miya are saying. What happened with me I think was that I was so afraid of NOT loving her and letting go of her for a long time after the split because I was trying to keep our family together; if I gave up it that was it for us.

 

Also, I was afraid that if I didnt love her I would only feel bitterness and anger towards her. Thats what happened around 2months ago - I totally gave up on taking any actions with a view to getting back with her, I jst couldnt take her rejection anymore and decided enuff was enuff. I've felt a lot of bitterness towards her since then and have been afraid to let the bitterness go incase the pain came back. The pain came back recently anyway thru something that happened - I realised I still loved her and would do anything if I could be with her again. Really stupid since I know she doesnt want me and quite probably never really loved me

 

My gf doesnt know the full extent of how I feel about my ex - she knows that I was devastated when we meet and we took things slow because of that. I wouldnt want to put her thru counselling with me.

Edited February 15, 2008 by saddad1

[sedgwick]

All I can say is I know how you feel (except for the kids part.) My ex left me 7 months ago and I'm still so broken up about it. I think about him every minute of every day. I have nightmares about seeing him with another woman.

 

You have to break things off with your current gf, though. It's not fair to her to string her along when you're still in love with someone else. It sounds to me like you're letting your fear of being alone keep you with her even though you don't love her. You can't force yourself to love her, and it will just get worse if you try. You have to learn that you can be alone. You're also clinging to your present girlfriend because she makes you feel more attractive, and you don't think you are. I understand this too, completely -- I've probably never felt less attractive in my life than I feel right now, which is ironic seeing as how i'm in pretty good shape right now. I'm probably stronger and more flexible than I've ever been in my life, and yet still I feel ugly as hell. The fact is that there will be people in the future who will find both of us attractive, and people who will find us unattractive, and that's okay. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Edited February 15, 2008 by sedgwick

[Geishawhelk]

So, Saddad.....

How does all of the above sit with you?

What do you think you should do now?

 

Is there anything here that might have given you a new resolve to move on?

 

let me ask bluntly -

 

If - IF - the possibility exists that my statement about some of your pain being addictive, is accurate -

how do you feel about that, and does it help you now consider the possibility of being able to move on?

 

(It's so difficult communicating effectively in just the written medium - ! )

 

I'd just like to think that by sharing and airing, something, somehow, might have 'clicked' for you....

[saddad1]

I think what happened which lead me to post here was part of the greiving process. I only gave up chasing my ex in December.

 

I have wrestled with everything the last few days and have had a long talk with my current gf. Im not going to finish with her, I think there is real potential for us. She is so understanding that Im pretty much amazed with her

 

Anyway, I realise how lucky I am to have my current gf, I have been analysing the relationship with my ex (for about the 100000000th time) and I know that I could never truely love her again after all that has happened, although I always will love her because of what we did have(does that make sense?)

 

I think now that the love that I believed was causing me pain doesnt really exist anymore and is some kind of twisted phantom in my head. I suppose its hard to let go of the dreams we once had, especially when there's kids involved. Once those kids are born you dont want to do anything else expect be there for them. I have struggled since the breakup because I lost everything I loved at once; my home, my future wife, to a certain extent my kids cos I was used to seeing them everyday. It only really sank in recently that I can be still be a good dad without seeing my kids everyday.

 

Some of the posts on here have really helped me think things through. Things dont seem so bleak anymore

[saddad1]

To gwhelk - yes - I thought alot about your and miya's view on pain. You could be right. I believe I was causing the pain to myself to a certain extent.

 

The pain-anger-bitterness cycle is very hard to break out off. The power of these emotions is so overwhelming that it is possible that the human mind and maybe even body could become addicted. Very interesting, I've never studied pyschology but Im sure someone has carried out some research into such a cycle.

[Geishawhelk]

Your lat 2 posts have filled me with a great deal of happiness and optimism for you.

the fact that you're so appreciative of your G/F. I'm not saying you weren't before, but it just sounds as if somehow you're seeing her in a different light...

There's no doubt in my mind either, that she obviously views you as a wholly worthwhile investment. She sees wonder and love in a life with you. That's certainly worth considering as a point in your favour. You're not such a bad guy after all, huh??

And this is just great - !!

 

I can be still be a good dad without seeing my kids everyday.

Just to let you know, my Partner has a son who lives on the other side of the country. I know, I know... the UK isn't exactly huge, compared to the USA, (I'm assuming you're from there but I could be wrong...) but it's still a whack of a distance... Last time we saw him was christmas, and we probably won't see him again until the summer.

But he and his dad are always talking on the 'phone, and they're very close. In a way, my partner thinks that they're closer, because there's no negative atmosphere in the home to taint the relationship, and they value their times together. The phone calls always end with 'I love you'.

 

The pain-anger-bitterness cycle is very hard to break out off. The power of these emotions is so overwhelming that it is possible that the human mind and maybe even body could become addicted.

There is a very clear and unbreakable connection between how the mind feels and how the body feels and how the mind feels... yes, the double mention is deliberate. You can't separate Mind from Body. Your brain is connected to your body by your spinal cord and electrical nerve impulses. if your heart is hurting and your emotions are affecting your moods, the connection still carries all these messages. Up and down, up and down.... What we feel in our psychological self is reflected in our physical self, and vice-versa. Unquestionably.

Look how we stand when we're depressed... shoulders bowed, hanging low.... Look how we stand when we're feeling proud and positive. Shoulders back, spit the world in the eye....See? One affects the other.

 

Some of the posts on here have really helped me think things through. Things dont seem so bleak anymore

 

It's been worth every second of every thought and every typed word just to see this...

I am so glad..

You may not actually need counselling now, if things seem a bit better...(though don't shy away from it... see what your G/F says as well....)

it may not always be good...but I don't think it will ever be as bad again....

 

That will be $750.00 please....