serendip Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 The ex and I aren't really on good terms as you can see from this http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138420/ She cheated on me and I retaliated by manipulating her. It's been 9 months since the breakup and generally I've been doing better with the passage of time. We haven't had contact in a month but last Friday she text me "How r yu doing" It was my birthday on Saturday and I didn't bother responding...had a great day. But then I responded on Sunday "I am doing well...spent weekend celebrating my birthday" She instantly text back "Happy Birthday" I text back "Thanks" It felt alright...no drama. I was thinking maybe we can make peace...so on Monday I emailed her this My friend sent me this parable(two wolves)...thought you might like it. I hope in time we can truly let go of the evil wolf. One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, cheating, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed." Then she emailed back yesterday this... True enough.. I am feeling very happy about life these days...pretty much over all the bull-s hit. Hope you are better too. I don't know...she comes across a little resentful...she's not the type to use the word "bull-s hit". It kind of comes across as a dig towards me. At any rate I not going respond...there's no point if she is still resentful. I don't want to waste my energy on trying to make peace.
Haohmaru Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 There's no point even if she's not resentful. I've learned, just don't even try to play emotional games with women. They will always win. Best thing is to just NC, right now, and start dating out again. Cut her phone number from your address book. Read Leash Theory.
sandflea Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 Nah - you both sound healthy and renewed. She doesn't sound resentful to me - because it really is "bull****" when you think about it. All that drama... Glad you're doing well. I'm also glad you guys got through it as well as you did. Keep on keepin on! SF
vivrantflo Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I don't know...she comes across a little resentful...she's not the type to use the word "bull-s hit". It kind of comes across as a dig towards me. At any rate I not going respond...there's no point if she is still resentful. I don't want to waste my energy on trying to make peace. Well, this is why you're supposed to keep NC.. cause whatever response, or non-response she gives you... you're gonna over analyze it, and think about it too much. You shouldnt be thinking about her at all, and all she did was respond normally.. Ignore her future attempts at contact, and move on from her..
Author serendip Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks guys Yeah I am over-analyzing things...I shouldn't care how she feels after all this time There's really no point in keeping contact b/c it just keeps me stuck in this cycle. I'm still not healed from the cheating and the terrible breakup afterwards. I'm kidding myself if I am. My focus should be on me and not her...I should be out there enjoying my life...time is too precious to waste
sedgwick Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I'd say she means what she says. Take her at her word. She doesn't seem like the type who won't tell you what she's thinking!
latefragment Posted February 13, 2008 Posted February 13, 2008 I've followed your heartbreaking story, and it's obvious you aren't over it at all. She still has the ability to mess with your head. I DO think what she said is fishy. First of all , her texting you the night before your bday was just fishy, I'm sorry, if she wanted to wish you a happy bday she should have just come out and said it. Second, then you respond, and she's all kind of standoffish or whatever. THAT's lame. Third, you send her an email about hoping that things have mended , and she shoots back a spritely email about how she's DEFINITELY moved on from the "bulls' - I'm sorry, THAT's just bullsh. I'd say she's still playing games, probably because she misses you but at the same time, you guys live on different coasts and god knows what. The point is, try not to let her random texts bug you too much. The last time she tried texting you on NYE, I'm sorry that's just uncalled for, you asked her if she wanted to talk, it seemed like she wanted to talk, then she disappears. It's like you are trying to extend the olive branch and she's turning it down, but then comes back to poke at the lion (you). WTF?! Anyway, I know you're still in pain (I am too) but just try not to let it get to you too much. Do what you have to do, if it means contacting her back when she contacts you, or if it means not contacting her. I feel like you are a smart enough guy that you know what's going on that this kind of trivial stuff is just a momentary stumbling block. Personally, I would take a loooong time to recover from the type of love story you've recounted between you and her so don't sweat it if it takes so much time. You obviously still feel really hurt and betrayed by her and especially by her refusal to say sorry and admit her part. Yeah, that sucks. By the way, have your sleeping problems lessened since sunday? I'm eager to know, because I'm still waking up in the wee hours, when it's still dark, trying to go back to sleep but unable to.
Author serendip Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 By the way, have your sleeping problems lessened since sunday? I'm eager to know, because I'm still waking up in the wee hours, when it's still dark, trying to go back to sleep but unable to. I've been sleeping alright now. You should try taking valerian tincture(6 to 10 drops)....it will relax you and put you in a calm state so you can fall alseep....also use melatonin with it...it will put you in a deep sleep(REM). 5-HTP will also help with mood swing and depression b/c it helps increase production of serotonin...it's like having a great work out...you feel good and tired. All these products can be purchased at a supplements store...they are natural remedies that are over the counter Hope you sleep well
Author serendip Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I just got another email from her last night...I didn't respond to her last one.. "We had the most horrible drama (the worst I have had with anybody) but also the most amazing times (the best I have had with anybody)...How does that make sense????????... Happy just reflecting these days and trying to stay away from drama (however it seems to creep up quite often still with various men...constantly running...)" I just read it this morning...I don't know what to make of it Her point of saying we had the most horrible drama...worst then with anybody....it's maybe she cheated (the act in itself creates drama let alone her not taking responsibility for it) Also she's seeing other men and finding drama...that's nice of her telling me that. Actually I'm alright with that...since she already cheated on me...this is minor stuff compared to it.
PinkRibbon Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I can't understand why she would email you that? I read your opening post and she really let into you with both barrells and now she is emailing you? Maybe she is realizing her loss?
sandflea Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 I'd stay with NC. If she's emailing you, texting you, whatever - and she's also seeing someone else, then she's probably pretty confused. And, yeah - in a way she's probably missing you. Don't over analyze. Let it lie. Just keep moving forward... You're doing GREAT! SF
Author serendip Posted February 14, 2008 Author Posted February 14, 2008 I can't understand why she would email you that? I have no clue why either...
Miyamoto Posted February 14, 2008 Posted February 14, 2008 It's pretty simple why she wants to keep you on a leash...human tendency to have cake and eat it too... If you have a pepperoni pizza on the left and a sausage pizza on the right, and nobody telling you to choose, which one do you pick? Probably both!
Author serendip Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 (edited) What do you guys think of this as a response...not on V-day but for tomorrow. Does it sound needy...or antagonistic(sp)? I know I shouldn't even bother replying...but I feel a need to in order to make peace with myself and her I had a fantastic V-day tonight...went out and had a a lot of fun I’ve been doing well. I’ve made it a point to take care of myself...I’ve been eating really healthy and going to the gym at least 5 times a week. Emotionally and mentally I’ve made it a priority to heal...life’s too short to dwell in the past but at the same time I realize you can’t turn your back on the past...you have to learn from it or else you will be doom to repeat the same mistakes. But I think it’s the mistakes and the setbacks in life that make you grow the most as a person...not the achievements. It’s when everything is against you and you can still laugh and shout at the fates “do your worst, I’ll be fine”...that’s when you know you will be alright. It’s like the Thomas Cole paintings (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Voyage_of_Life ) of the four stages of man...we are entering the 3rd stage...the loss of innocence... abandoned with no angel in sight to guide us. I’ve been fortunate that I have great friends and the ability to view life as a glorious adventure...and the means to discover it. As far as the crazy drama that occurred between us and trying to make sense of it all...you have to ask yourself...what was the underlying issues that caused the drama...and if you had the most amazing time with me (the best you ever had)...why would you sabotage your own happiness (short term desires vs. long term happiness-was it the grass is greener syndrome or NPD)? I don’t pretend to know the answers...but I do know a lot of the drama could have been avoided. I have recognized my issues...I was a cliché...the nice guy (doormat) syndrome and I realize I put a lot of pressure on you to stay in my city (albeit not intentionally). There are several books written on the subject. I learnt a lot from it and it will help me in the present and future. The most important thing we have to do is stop playing the blame game...it is not conducive to the healing process (letting go)...and you can’t have an honest and decent discussion while we are still pointing fingers at each other. Edited February 15, 2008 by serendip
vivrantflo Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 My focus should be on me and not her...I should be out there enjoying my life...time is too precious to waste You said this earlier... do you mean it??? Why would you respond to her??? A response is what she wants... so why give it to her.. just delete her emails and move on with your life..
BrianG Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Very welll written email, so I know that is what your thinking. Point is who cares what she is thinking. She is gone, your words mean a lot but not for her anymore. Change your focus. Sounds like many drafts I have written in my journal, but your words now just have to make yourself content in your heart. It is not going to do anything but that. You said/did everything you could, leave it be for now or forever.
Miyamoto Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 I’ve made it a point to take care of myself... Nope. Emotionally and mentally I’ve made it a priority to heal... Nope. It’s when everything is against you and you can still laugh and shout at the fates “do your worst, I’ll be fine”...that’s when you know you will be alright. You're letting her know she was "the worst"? Wow, talk about giving an ego boost. I have recognized my issues...I was a cliché...the nice guy (doormat) syndrome Recognized it... now stop annoucing it The most important thing we have to do is stop playing the blame game...it is not conducive to the healing process (letting go)...and you can’t have an honest and decent discussion while we are still pointing fingers at each other. Why point anything, except your attention at another girl. Happy Valentine's Day.
saddad1 Posted February 15, 2008 Posted February 15, 2008 Is there any reason to make peace with her? You dont have any kids or anything? Do you still have feelings for her or have you moved on or are you in the process of moving on? I agree with vivrant - it seems like she just wants a response from you - any type of reaction will do. I think she was feeling guilty about the affair hence the baiting you into an argument and accusing you of all sorts so she can "demonize" you in her own mind therefore relieving herself from her own feelings of guilt. Really, dont send that email you have prepared unless you want her back and have reason to believe that she may feel the same (even at that Im not sure sending the email is a good idea) or there is some other reason that you have to stay in contact with her. NC and move on otherwise. Good luck.
Author serendip Posted February 15, 2008 Author Posted February 15, 2008 Thanks guys for your opinion...I wrote that email last night when I got back from the bar...I was a little drunk. Reading it today...I think it's way too long and also I don't know what I would accomplish by sending it to her.
imagonnacry Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 You said this earlier... do you mean it??? Why would you respond to her??? A response is what she wants... so why give it to her.. just delete her emails and move on with your life.. Sounds like good advice to me...
EllaDerSpin Posted February 18, 2008 Posted February 18, 2008 Serendip, anything you send her at this moment in time will be a lie, unless you tell her you are still not over it, and still feel angry. There is no point in lying, and lying only occurs if you are trying for a result.
Author serendip Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 I didn't bother replying... My friend thinks she was just fishing...trying to figure out where I'm at...and that she may not be seeing anyone b/c... ...she contacted me on a friday night before my B-day, and contacted me again on tuesday and wednesday night before V-day ...perhaps to see if I would contact her for V-day...I didn't ...my friend also suggested her last email on Wednesday...she might have been trying to keep me hanging on by giving some hope...by saying I was still the best she has had and that she is just reflecting now a days and trying to avoid drama by not seeing other dudes "We had the most horrible drama (the worst I have had with anybody) but also the most amazing times (the best I have had with anybody)...How does that make sense????????... Happy just reflecting these days and trying to stay away from drama (however it seems to creep up quite often still with various men...constantly running...)" I don't know if that's the case...I don't want to get back together with her...all I wanted was an proper apology so I can forgive her and let go but I know I won't get that from her...I just have to let go of things on my own So I went rock climbing this weekend and then went to a wine tasting and had some great food
vivrantflo Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 "We had the most horrible drama (the worst I have had with anybody) but also the most amazing times (the best I have had with anybody)...How does that make sense????????... Happy just reflecting these days and trying to stay away from drama (however it seems to creep up quite often still with various men...constantly running...)" I don't know if that's the case...I don't want to get back together with her...all I wanted was an proper apology so I can forgive her and let go You're not going to get a "proper apology" from a woman who finds nothing wrong with telling you that she's been hanging around "various men" Create your OWN closure.. forgive her yes.. that's the best thing for you, cause when you actually do, you can finally detach from her, have the closure YOU need, and you can finally move on with your life. We all know it's not easy man.. even though she wronged you, we know it's still hard. You did your job by loving her... but the dynamic has changed, and she's no good for you. You seem like a nice guy.. just detach from her, be patient, and you will meet a woman that's so much better for you, and would never betray you. But seriously.. ignore your ex, and let her stew in the selfish decision she made.
vivrantflo Posted February 19, 2008 Posted February 19, 2008 Create your OWN closure.. forgive her yes.. that's the best thing for you, cause when you actually do, you can finally detach from her, have the closure YOU need, and you can finally move on with your life. Sorry.. I should explain further.. what I mean by this, is forgiving her in your heart and mind.. this does NOT mean a final letter, email, etc... accept the fact she took advantage of your love and vulnerability, and she's just not for you. The quicker you forgive and let go, the quicker you can heal, and eventually meet a woman more suiting for you.. and hopefully local! Good luck
Author serendip Posted February 19, 2008 Author Posted February 19, 2008 Sorry.. I should explain further.. what I mean by this, is forgiving her in your heart and mind.. this does NOT mean a final letter, email, etc... accept the fact she took advantage of your love and vulnerability, and she's just not for you. Thanks V. There is no way I would contact her in any shape or form...telling her I forgive her She already called me and asked for forgiveness on Christmas eve...I didn't answer(she left voicemail)...I have not forgiven her b/c she has never given me a proper apology(without excuses)...that's all I ever wanted. It's a simple thing but I know I won't get it. 'I just want to ask you for forgiveness for everything I did to hurt you and I want to forgive you for everything you did to hurt me. I don't want to have all this anger inside of me towards you and I hope you feel the same way. Anyway have a nice holiday." I just have to get over the hurt from the betrayal(no doubt I am still hurt from it) so I can let go and move on once and for all. That's what is keeping me stuck...I've been keeping light contact in hopes of maybe one day of getting a proper apology...but no go. Part of me still can't believe she is this type of person and that we got back together after 10 years only for me to find out she was like this...that's what freaks me out...that's where the hurt lies...
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