fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) Ok guys, I know many of you are probably just pissed/annoyed at me and with what I'm doing to my poor bf. I think I have relationship/commitment phobia or something. I've broken up and gotten back with him 3 times and also cried about something really lame once all in just a short period of 2-3 months. Not to mention I stood him up on our first planned date. To everyone else I'm this beoytch, but really inside of me I'm helpless, insecure, and totally angry at myself for doing all this crap. I really do hate myself. Basically what happened was that on Thurs night I called him and I was trying to explain to him all the anxiety I have and why I just can't do it but then that I want to see him again, and he told me to hit the curb as he's not going to wait around for me to just leave him again (I can hear all the applause from everyone for him saying this). He said he doesnt think I really care about making things work. I felt rejected but I told him that I understand and hung up. 10 mins later I txted him to tell him I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough and that I love him and everythng I said about how I felt about him is true. We txted back and forth...he was shocked I used the L word and said 'you really love me?' and he said he's really confused that I say I love him but then break up with him. I said it's because I need help. He said he thought I left him because I didn't care about him or the relationship and it breaks his heart when I walk away and shut him out. I said my leaving him has nothing to do with my feelings for him. I told him I'm going to stop being selfish and that I won't drag him in anymore. He asked if it's something we can work out and I told him that I don't want to hurt us anymore...I said he'd find someone much better and I'll get help and be fine eventually...I told him I love him and told him to take care. He replied back.."well I want you. Maybe I can understand the situation more when this happens again." So that's how we got back together and I saw him last night. I know he is paranoid...and I'm paranoid as well. I told him I meant it when I said I love him. He said 'truth is, i love you too, which is why i took it so hard when you walked away.' Note that aside from him telling me he thinks he's falling in love with me about 6 wks ago (my reply was that i'm happy to hear that, but I didn't recriprocate), this is the first time we exchanged the L word. I told him that I just want us to be together. I said 'let's just be together and not care, let's just do it' and he said 'that's what i've always wanted.' When we had breakfast, I told him that I can't leave him even if I wanted to. I want him to believe me, but I know that he understandably has alot of fears and doubts about me. He's truly paranoid. I'm scared too, and I told him that I'm scared he'd leave me and that I dont ever want him to leave me. I'm so scared that he'd just leave me eventually because he's paraonoid about all this crap. And yes, I"m getting therapy for this and I told him so as well. Edited February 2, 2008 by fray718
Florida Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) Either this relationship goes smooth sailing from here out, or it turns into one of those nightmare drama breaking up to make up tears then sex , crying to smiling relationships that no ne actually would choose to be in. I can't say I completely understand what is happening here, it isn't really clear from reading the last few posts. Edited February 2, 2008 by Florida
Jilly Bean Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 What a delightful blend of two S/M souls. You are the sadist who enjoys inflicting emotional pain on someone, and he is your gimp, who enjoys receiving pain. This is not love. It is emotional torture.
shadowplay Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 What a delightful blend of two S/M souls. You are the sadist who enjoys inflicting emotional pain on someone, and he is your gimp, who enjoys receiving pain. This is not love. It is emotional torture. Whenever I hear the word "gimp" I think of that scene in Pulp Fiction...
SeraBella Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 This is not love. It is emotional torture. I definitely agree.
oppath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Having been through an on/off thing myself that always led to getting back together with sex, I have to say that if you have an on/off pattern, a great idea is to take a month and say "let's meet up in a month and talk about it then." The only way getting back together usually works is if you work on the issues. I do know some people who have been on/off and it works out great, but it's only because they worked on their issues. I know you want to do that, but this is really the last time you can get back together. You need some space before missing them and getting back together.
shadowplay Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) Don't you think the way you dropped the "L-Bomb" was a tad manipulative? It seems like you pulled it out as a last ditch effort when you realized you were losing him. I wonder how genuine it was. You do realize that each time you break up with him, he loses a little bit of feeling for you. At a certain point his feelings will be permanently damaged and it won't be worth the effort for him to try again. I say this because I get the sense you keep breaking up with him to test him or keep him keen...but it will only backfire. In fact, there's a strong possibility that he doesn't love you but is confusing the feeling of rejection with love (people with low self esteem tend to do this). I don't want to make you feel bad, but it's something you might want to keep in mind. Edited February 2, 2008 by shadowplay
oppath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Don't you think the way you dropped the "L-Bomb" was a tad manipulative? It seems like you pulled it out as a last ditch effort when you realized you were losing him. I wonder how genuine it was. You do realize that each time you break up with him, he loses a little bit of feeling for you. At a certain point his feelings will be permanently damaged and it won't be worth the effort for him to try again. That was how it was with my girl. When she ended it once but came back, I was damaged. I was more distant and less present in the relationship. What happened? She'd sense that, get disappointed and mad, and the pattern would repeat with another "I don't think we are right for each other" or "if you loved me, you'd do this" manipulation tactic. I wish I would have told her "my feelings and trust were damaged. I am holding back. I need you to prove to me you want this and aren't going to bail and I need you to chase me, because you damaged me and my feelings." I did not recognize that until it was over. But Fray, since you have damaged him and destroyed trust, he is not going to be 100% invested. He is going to be cautious. He will be distant. How will you handle that? Will you freak out at him and break up with him again? If anything, you need to pursue him and not get mad or disappointed at him for at least 2 months. You have to prove you want him, and you can't get mad if he's not 100% invested because you have damaged his feelings and trust.
Author fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Don't you think the way you dropped the "L-Bomb" was a tad manipulative? It seems like you pulled it out as a last ditch effort when you realized you were losing him. I wonder how genuine it was. You do realize that each time you break up with him, he loses a little bit of feeling for you. At a certain point his feelings will be permanently damaged and it won't be worth the effort for him to try again. I say this because I get the sense you keep breaking up with him to test him or keep him keen...but it will only backfire. In fact, there's a strong possibility that he doesn't love you but is confusing the feeling of rejection with love (people with low self esteem tend to do this). I don't want to make you feel bad, but it's something you might want to keep in mind. You have great insight and those things you said above were all the things I've thought about. The second break up resulted from the first break up in a way -- what I mean is that after the first break up and we got back together, I can tell that he lost some feelings for me and it was hurting me very much. To the point where I went into emotional grief/anger and it caused me to break up with him again. And I do realize that his use of the L word could be that he feels rejected...I sometimes feel like I 'love' someone after they've dumped me -- but I'd bet on him saying it only because I said it first and he feels he must recriprocate. He just seems so 'paralyzed' from all this. This is why I really hate myself for doing this to us. I made a promise to myself that no matter how tortured I feel that I would have to stick to my guns this time and not break up with him again...even if I have the feeling that he's going to leave me.
Author fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 That was how it was with my girl. When she ended it once but came back, I was damaged. I was more distant and less present in the relationship. What happened? She'd sense that, get disappointed and mad, and the pattern would repeat with another "I don't think we are right for each other" or "if you loved me, you'd do this" manipulation tactic. I wish I would have told her "my feelings and trust were damaged. I am holding back. I need you to prove to me you want this and aren't going to bail and I need you to chase me, because you damaged me and my feelings." I did not recognize that until it was over. But Fray, since you have damaged him and destroyed trust, he is not going to be 100% invested. He is going to be cautious. He will be distant. How will you handle that? Will you freak out at him and break up with him again? If anything, you need to pursue him and not get mad or disappointed at him for at least 2 months. You have to prove you want him, and you can't get mad if he's not 100% invested because you have damaged his feelings and trust. Oh god oppath I feel and act exactly like your girl!!! As said above, I broke up with him the second time because of the first time. Things you said I knew, I knew it made sense that he'd hold back, yet it just hurts so much that I freaking bursted and broke up with him again. I hate myself for being so weak. The difference here is that when we got back together this second time, I told him WHY I broke up with him the second time. I told him that I felt discouraged because it seemed like he was not committed to me like before. I told him that we should just be together. I said that when he told me he loves me too and that he also wants us to just be together, that it really helps alot in my dealing with this insecurity-thus-leading-to-breakup problem I have. I told him on that day I broke up with him for the second time, I did it because I got scared and I thought HE had left me that day. Alot of these things I know, yet I"m so stupid and have so little self-control. Ugh. It's like me eating binging even when I know it's bad for me and I'm trying to lose weight -- gosh fray, get some discipline!
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 You have great insight and those things you said above were all the things I've thought about. The second break up resulted from the first break up in a way -- what I mean is that after the first break up and we got back together, I can tell that he lost some feelings for me and it was hurting me very much. To the point where I went into emotional grief/anger and it caused me to break up with him again. And I do realize that his use of the L word could be that he feels rejected...I sometimes feel like I 'love' someone after they've dumped me -- but I'd bet on him saying it only because I said it first and he feels he must recriprocate. He just seems so 'paralyzed' from all this. This is why I really hate myself for doing this to us. I made a promise to myself that no matter how tortured I feel that I would have to stick to my guns this time and not break up with him again...even if I have the feeling that he's going to leave me. Fray, when you feel anxiety coming on, tell yourself that it's still very early on in your relationship and that there is no rush to determine whether or not he's the one right now. You two still have a lot to discover about each other. But please, before uttering the word break up again, please use some restraint and allow yourself to take some time to think about whether or not it's what you really want. Assess what the issue is for you and ask yourself whether or not there is another way to deal with the situation then breaking up. Other ways usually involve communicating and compromising.
Author fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Oppath - just curious, after how long you dated for until she broke up with you for the second time? How did you two date and how many times did she break up with you? Who finally ended it for good? Sorry if these questions seem so blunt, but I guess I'm just trying to get more insight from someone who's been through it and prob knows how my bf feels. You can PM me if you want. Thanks!
Nemo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 When we had breakfast, I told him that I can't leave him even if I wanted to. No wonder you feel trapped.
Author fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Fray, when you feel anxiety coming on, tell yourself that it's still very early on in your relationship and that there is no rush to determine whether or not he's the one right now. You two still have a lot to discover about each other. But please, before uttering the word break up again, please use some restraint and allow yourself to take some time to think about whether or not it's what you really want. Assess what the issue is for you and ask yourself whether or not there is another way to deal with the situation then breaking up. Other ways usually involve communicating and compromising. Thanks kamille. I know I really need to stop being so impulse-driven. It really drives me crazy and I really need therapy for it. Alot of the anxiety I get from fear of being hurt -- its like I want to leave him first before he leaves me. I'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee because I've just been dumped too many times and it really damaged me and my self-esteem. I just have to force myself to stop being so gosh darned scared all the time. After the second time we broke up, I just cried in my bathroom and kept telling to him in my mind that 'baby, it's going to be ok, it's all going to be ok.' The fact that I hurt him really hurt me alot as well and I think that's why I feel as if I love him. The pain I was feeling at the time after having broke up was really hard to bare. I just felt really really crappy and miserable.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Thanks kamille. I know I really need to stop being so impulse-driven. It really drives me crazy and I really need therapy for it. Alot of the anxiety I get from fear of being hurt -- its like I want to leave him first before he leaves me. I'd rather be the dumper than the dumpee because I've just been dumped too many times and it really damaged me and my self-esteem. I just have to force myself to stop being so gosh darned scared all the time. After the second time we broke up, I just cried in my bathroom and kept telling to him in my mind that 'baby, it's going to be ok, it's all going to be ok.' The fact that I hurt him really hurt me alot as well and I think that's why I feel as if I love him. The pain I was feeling at the time after having broke up was really hard to bare. I just felt really really crappy and miserable. Finding someone who is willing to work through issues with you, and with whom you are willing to work through issues too, is an amazing thing. That's how trust is built and I think that's when lust turns to love. But how will you ever know what your bf is made off if you keep dumping him everytime something comes up? Instead of allowing the two of you to find a healthy compromise, of allowing you two to develop healthy communication, you are pushing the two of you into drama mode.
oppath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Oppath - just curious, after how long you dated for until she broke up with you for the second time? How did you two date and how many times did she break up with you? Who finally ended it for good? Sorry if these questions seem so blunt, but I guess I'm just trying to get more insight from someone who's been through it and prob knows how my bf feels. You can PM me if you want. Thanks! She ended it twice, maybe mutual the 3rd time?!? She ended the first time because her ex was at her house -- he was friends with her family -- wanting more closure on the breakup and she felt like she moved on too soon to me. I have a pattern of being involved with women just out of relationships so it really messed with my head. She ended it via IM of all mediums and I was pissed! But she just showed up at my place a few days later, we slept together, and we were back together without defining things. This was only 6 weeks or so into the relationship. I didn't want to clarify things, I just wanted to keep seeing her casually at that point, but since I was less available, if she didn't get what she wanted, she'd be mad at me and essentially punish me or use the "if you really liked me you'd do xyz" manipulation tactic. That only pushed me further away, and after one of those instances she basically started the conversation with "I'm not sure we are right for each other." Well, I agreed. If she was the type to punish me for not reading her mind -- in fact, I wanted to see her the next day because I understood why she was disappointed even though I disagreed with it but she didn't want to, because she was mad at me -- then I didn't want to put up a fight. Well, we hang out and have sex, and it's back on. Again, we did not clarify the relationship. I wanted a couple months without drama, just dating and enjoying each other. I should have made that clear. But she was planning a vacation months from then, and wanted to know if I could go too. I told her "I can't commit to something 5 months from now when we've basically broken up twice in the past 1 month." "Well, we've been talking for 4-5 months now, and you should know if you want to be with me and if you are falling in love with me." I couldn't say "I am falling in love with you" so we both walked away. The thing is...of course I couldn't tell her that. She damaged my trust. And we didn't see each other many times because it started long distance, so maybe 12 times face-to-face. What would have helped was to say "let's take a month and think about it" and to tell her "my feelings have been hurt, I am really cautious. If we make another round of it, we need to view it as dating and getting to know each other as a fresh start. I am hopeful this develops. I am serious about you. But we need to date and spend lots of time together having fun, doing fun things, before we talk seriously. I need to see you a couple times a week but I'd like 2 months before talking about a serious future, so we can get to know each other again without expectations." I still chat with her now and then and it is difficult because I do have feelings for her. But she damaged me by pulling away. When she came back, I was more distant. She then wanted, in my opinion, and unreasonable commitment from me given the circumstances and timing. I see that happening with you too. If he's distant for 2 weeks or so and not as invested, I'd bet you would freak out and get mad at him and want to know how he feels. Seriously. Lay off the serious love talk. If you try again, just DATE for 2 months. Try not to talk about your feelings. Get to know him, a fresh start. Don't pressure him. Go out twice a week and do fun things together. Focus on having fun with him. Show him you want to have adventures with him and don't think/talk about the future. Enjoy him in the present. If you don't do those things, you'll just repeat the pattern of behavior you have exhibited. He will be less present in the relationship and more distant. You can't freak out over that. Getting back together = fresh start. You are starting over again from date 1. Have that mindset.
Author fray718 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 She ended it twice, maybe mutual the 3rd time?!? She ended the first time because her ex was at her house -- he was friends with her family -- wanting more closure on the breakup and she felt like she moved on too soon to me. I have a pattern of being involved with women just out of relationships so it really messed with my head. She ended it via IM of all mediums and I was pissed! But she just showed up at my place a few days later, we slept together, and we were back together without defining things. This was only 6 weeks or so into the relationship. I didn't want to clarify things, I just wanted to keep seeing her casually at that point, but since I was less available, if she didn't get what she wanted, she'd be mad at me and essentially punish me or use the "if you really liked me you'd do xyz" manipulation tactic. That only pushed me further away, and after one of those instances she basically started the conversation with "I'm not sure we are right for each other." Well, I agreed. If she was the type to punish me for not reading her mind -- in fact, I wanted to see her the next day because I understood why she was disappointed even though I disagreed with it but she didn't want to, because she was mad at me -- then I didn't want to put up a fight. Well, we hang out and have sex, and it's back on. Again, we did not clarify the relationship. I wanted a couple months without drama, just dating and enjoying each other. I should have made that clear. But she was planning a vacation months from then, and wanted to know if I could go too. I told her "I can't commit to something 5 months from now when we've basically broken up twice in the past 1 month." "Well, we've been talking for 4-5 months now, and you should know if you want to be with me and if you are falling in love with me." I couldn't say "I am falling in love with you" so we both walked away. The thing is...of course I couldn't tell her that. She damaged my trust. And we didn't see each other many times because it started long distance, so maybe 12 times face-to-face. What would have helped was to say "let's take a month and think about it" and to tell her "my feelings have been hurt, I am really cautious. If we make another round of it, we need to view it as dating and getting to know each other as a fresh start. I am hopeful this develops. I am serious about you. But we need to date and spend lots of time together having fun, doing fun things, before we talk seriously. I need to see you a couple times a week but I'd like 2 months before talking about a serious future, so we can get to know each other again without expectations." I still chat with her now and then and it is difficult because I do have feelings for her. But she damaged me by pulling away. When she came back, I was more distant. She then wanted, in my opinion, and unreasonable commitment from me given the circumstances and timing. I see that happening with you too. If he's distant for 2 weeks or so and not as invested, I'd bet you would freak out and get mad at him and want to know how he feels. Seriously. Lay off the serious love talk. If you try again, just DATE for 2 months. Try not to talk about your feelings. Get to know him, a fresh start. Don't pressure him. Go out twice a week and do fun things together. Focus on having fun with him. Show him you want to have adventures with him and don't think/talk about the future. Enjoy him in the present. If you don't do those things, you'll just repeat the pattern of behavior you have exhibited. He will be less present in the relationship and more distant. You can't freak out over that. Getting back together = fresh start. You are starting over again from date 1. Have that mindset. I see where you are going with this, but I guess it also depends on the situation. My bf needs confidence that I love him and want it to work. So not sure if taking it slow is a good idea. However I do agree with the fact that I really have to keep it in and not get mad/disappointed at him for at least 2 months. That is the hard part for me but I will have to just try really hard.
oppath Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I did not say take it slow. I said focus on having good times, like you are just starting to date. Don't make it emotional because emotional = pressure. See him a few days a week and focus on having fun with him. Make sure your times are good times. And don't freak out or act insecure if he doesn't give you exactly what you want or read your mind. Just have fun with him. The first few months of a relationship should be about "am I having fun with him? And am I getting to know him intimately?" You don't want to waste time with someone you don't have a future with, but the focus should be on the present, not the future, and if you want him to trust you, demonstrate that by spending time with him and having fun and treating him well, not freaking out about your or his emotions.
Kamille Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 I did not say take it slow. I said focus on having good times, like you are just starting to date. Don't make it emotional because emotional = pressure. See him a few days a week and focus on having fun with him. Make sure your times are good times. And don't freak out or act insecure if he doesn't give you exactly what you want or read your mind. Just have fun with him. The first few months of a relationship should be about "am I having fun with him? And am I getting to know him intimately?" You don't want to waste time with someone you don't have a future with, but the focus should be on the present, not the future, and if you want him to trust you, demonstrate that by spending time with him and having fun and treating him well, not freaking out about your or his emotions. Great advice.
Nemo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 So not sure if taking it slow is a good idea. You're right - this screams "FWB" to a guy. You have been "beating around the bush" for long enough. Time to come to a decision, and fast.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I'm feeling that a broken record here, but you are manipulating this guy to no end. You know he is in love with you, and telling him you love him was a manipulative way of getting him back. I don't think you love him or want to be with him..you want the security of being in a relationship and someone loving you. Those aren't healthy reasons to be in a relationship. Please do this poor guy a favor and either break up with him for good, or keep your inpulses in check when an issue comes up. How is he acting right now? He must be confused out of his mind.
Lauriebell82 Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 I see where you are going with this, but I guess it also depends on the situation. My bf needs confidence that I love him and want it to work. So not sure if taking it slow is a good idea. However I do agree with the fact that I really have to keep it in and not get mad/disappointed at him for at least 2 months. That is the hard part for me but I will have to just try really hard. How in the world do you expect him to have confidence in your love for him, when you break up with him and tell him he's not "the one?" I mean c'om Fray, you are questioning whether or not you can not break up with him for 2 months? If your impulse control is that poor, you need to just stay single and not be in a relationship.
Walk Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 What kind of help have you decided to get? How are you going to get it? And to what lengths are you willing to go to get it? If your plan is to keep doing the exact same thing and expect different results, then you're out of your mind. The only way you are going to make this work is to put your all into it. The internet is filled with free articles and information on how to communicate with your partner. Read them! Half your dang problem is you stop talking to your bf and you fill in the gaps with your own assumptions. The other half of the time you're so worried about how you feel and how you hurt that you don't see how much you're hurting other people. I understand its self-preservation, and its pretty normal to react this way, but you can't have a good relationship if you react that way all the time. It won't work. Your bf is going to say stupid crap on occasion, and people you love are going to wound you, but that doesn't mean lash out at them and run away. This all comes back to good communication. When you feel hurt by something your bf says, stop him and ask him to clarify what he means. Give him at least a small benefit of the doubt before lashing back at him (dumping him).
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Update! So saturday morning after we woke up he had to go to work for an hour to do one thing and when he left I was still in bed and I told him again 'i love you' and he looked at me and said 'i love you too.' We spent the whole weekend together. On Sunday he asked me to go watch the superbowl with some of his friends and pretty much he was just as affectionate and sweet as before...and asks me about whether he can see me during the weekday next week (We already have something planned for next weekend). BUT, he never initiated the L word to me at all. He has only said 'i love you too' twice after I told him I love him first. So question is, does he really love me? Is it possible that he got back with me when I said I love him eventhough he doesn't really love me? I mean if I say those words and he doesnt feel the same way, wouldnt he just get scared and not get back with me? I've pretty much trained myself to not love anyone unless they love me first. My bf is someone I can see myself loving, but I will only allow myself to feel them if he also feels them.
Author fray718 Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 I've decided that I'm going to stay with my bf and try my best to keep my impulses in check. I told him I'm going to get therapy and he's also getting a better understanding of why I do this crazy breaking up with him. I pretty much told him straight out that he has to help me...I told him that I broke up with him because I thought he's going to leave me. We told each other that we're not going to leave each other ever....we just won't...at least not permanently.
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