Belkin Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) Hi, I'll make it as short as I can. I'm a student, living in a student accomodation. Beginning of October I started going out with a girl who had a room basically across my doorstep. It was great while it lasted, but last week she told me she wanted to break up because she didn't have the same feelings for me as in the beginning of our relationship. It hurt real bad, no mistake there. Two days later, she was going out with this other guy who lives in the neighbouring building: I was pretty quick to understand why she had really wanted to break up. I had thought I could deal with her not loving me anymore, but to know she broke up so she could go out openly with the ***** she probably cheated me with... now THAT was a terrible shock. Now everyone around here says NC is the best solution to get over the breakup, but it's impossible for me! She still lives 4 meters away from me, and, even though she spends most of her free time in the ******'s room, I keep on bumping into her, be it in the floor's common room, the corridor, or on campus (where it is even worse because I see her with him...) I did delete her from MSN and cellphone so as not to be tempted into pitiful pleeding, but that's a very small part of NC . Soooooo, how am I supposed to deal with this mad situation? Anyone been through this already, willing to give some advice? Thanks to all, this is truely a horrible situation for me! (BTW, I'm going to the end of exams party tonight, where she will probably be too, dancing real close to the ******, like the two of us used to...) Edited January 31, 2008 by Belkin added last sentence
Jackieboy Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) Belkin, My sympathies. Exactly the same happened to me and I used to see her with her latest first thing in the morning after they had spent the night together - ouch. No lies its difficult. I would say when you bump into her politely acknowledge her (don't give her ammo in case she wants to speak badly about you to others), smile politely, DO NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH HER. Trust me you will not be able to handle what she has to say to you. If she talks to you keep it short and get out of there as soon as you can. Tell her nothing about your life and resist the urge to find out about hers, avoid the temptation to bad mouth her, it will get back and will additionally only make you seem like a sad and bitter person which you do not want to be. With me I hit a very definite point where I pulled up short and thought 'Enough, enough. I'm better then this, I deserve better then this and who the hell is she anyway?' It will happen, its almost like a scales tipping moment and things become very clear and you can and will move on. Avoid (if possible) areas she hangs out, join a gym, socialise with a different crowd as much as possible. And if you see her repeat over and over to yourself 'It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter' Tell your conscious brain that enough times and it will eventually filter through to your sub-conscious brain. A bad scene but it will get better trust me, I've been there. Good luck man. Edited February 1, 2008 by Jackieboy
Author Belkin Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 (edited) Thank you, Jackieboy. So far I'm trying to ignore her as much as possible, no eye contact, no talk... She'll have to be the one to initiate contact if we're going to talk again.Yesterday evening was terrible: I played the one who didn't care at the party (luckily for me the ***** was behind the bar serving drinks the whole time I was there, so I didn't have to endure them dancing together. Apparently his turn as barkeeper started just when I arrived, because I witnessed the two of them kissing when I entered the room, and then he left for the bar.) But she was always close to me (small room and same circle of friends, so it's normal,) acting extremely happy, laughing the whole evening, fooling around with our common friends... I ached so much to hold her in my arms as before, it was terrible. But no eye contact, I avoided it. I even tried flirting with a few other girls, but again it was only acting. Then I realised she was gone, looked behind the bar and he was gone too... Party was more or less over anyway so I stopped pretending and fled to my room. Yesterday I spent the entire afternoon playing sports: 2hrs swimming, 2hrs tennis... It felt great to be able to express my rage and despair in a sane way, I never swam so fast for so long before. When I got back to my room I spent another hour playing the saxophone, and that felt good too. After dinner, when I was getting dressed for the party, I was terrified of what I would see over there, I kept having these images flash in in my head, over and over. So much that I couldn't hold my dinner in me, if you see what I mean... Oh, and btw, this NC thing is for me to heal faster. I'm not doing it to get her back or make her regret the two of us: however much I would love that, it seems so improbable that I'd prefer moving on rather than keep on hoping desperately. So maybe the no eye contact is not the best for getting her back, but when I see her it hurts so much that I cannot endure looking at her, let alone catch her eye... As for talking to her, we did have a polite discussion about the two of us when I found out about the *****, during which we talked about the good old times among other things. She said she would stop seeing him for a time in order to get things straight in her head, and I really respected her for that. But the next morning she was kissing him again... That's what truely made me understand what a hypocrite she was, and that I couldn't trust her anymore. Yes, sometimes I tell myself she is worthless and I deserve much better. But the mind and the heart speak differently, and when the mind is exhausted and cannot fight back, the heart takes over and desperation comes back full force... I feel as if I'm beeing raped: she was a part of me, of my life, then someone else came and started doing things to her. I feel as if these things are done to a part of my own body and soul, but I can't do anything to stop it and it keeps getting worse over time as these things are more and more frequent, more and more intimate, more and more public... Thank you for reading so far. I really need help getting past this, so if you have any advice at all, please, post it here. If you've lived a similar situation, how did you cope? What was the hardest part? How long did it take to get your life back? What did you do to forget her and move on? Thank you in advance for your answers... Edited February 1, 2008 by Belkin
Jackieboy Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Belkin, I was in your position so I know what I'm talking about. Please don't talk to her, as horrible as this sounds she will lie to your face because she either 1. Doesn't want to hurt you anymore (in these circumstances unlikely mate) or 2. Is worried you may cause a scene and is a coward. Ignore all the nice times you had in the past, sadly they are just that, the past. Keep in your mind how she was at the breaking up point because that is what she feels now. I know it kills and it can feel unbearable but the fact is you CAN bear it. Sadly the only way to get through pain is exactly that, you have to go through it but it will get easier trust me. If she was as nice as you thought she was she would not be kissing this guy in front of you without any thoughts for your feelings anyway. You have to mentally let go. Knock her off the pedestal you have built for her in your head. Think about it, really think about it. She wasn't THAT great, no one is. You can live without her, the things you cannot live without are food, water, shelter therefore she is not essential for you to live, you simply prefer to be with her but crucially you don't need her to live. Belkin the only person responsible for your happiness is you. No one else. Even though you don't think so the pain you feel now will fade but you must stay positive. If you find yourself thinking about her forcibly think of something else. If you see her keep on rolling by, don't engage with her unless you have to, if you have to a brief 'hello' and keep going, keep going. The man she was attracted to initially was self confident, assured and independent. Don't have her perceive you as needy, no one wants a needy man or woman. Keep your head held high and mentally think 'F*** this, I have taken a hell of a lot of body blows, but I'm still here and I'm still fighting' As with me someone else will come along and in time you will wonder just what it was you saw in her anyway. Good luck, stay strong, stay positive. Its always darkest before the dawn, but the dawn will break.
Jackieboy Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 By the way, forgot to answer one of your questions. Wife left me 4 and a half months ago. Month one awful, month two not so bad, month three getting over it and now dating someone else who is bloody lovely! And I was with my wife for over 12 years. If I can do it, anyone can. The situation I was in like yours happened when I was a student and I got over it within 2 months. You can do it man, stay strong.
Author Belkin Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 NC is going to be easy these next two days, I went home for the WE, so she's definitely not around! The girl across the corridor is just my sister here Plus as I wrote higher up, I don't have her cell # or MSN address, so I can't contact her even if I wanted to (well I could add her again, I know the address by heart, but that would force me to conciously type the address. Not the same as sending a whizz on the whim, if you see what I mean...) I sure hope this WE of true NC will be helpful. And yes, I know today's pain will fade off slowly. It's just that I've never been so close (geographically I mean) to someone I'm desperately trying to forget and get over with! I'm just in hurry for it (the pain) to leave and allow me to start afresh... Good luck with your new date Jackieboy
Author Belkin Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Back from WE at home with my family and other friends. I actually had times when I didn't think of her! But now I'm back on campus, and had to endure seeing them eating and walking together again... ouch (as you say Jackieboy). How did you manage to let it pass when it happenned to you? You said it took 2 months, but were you with them during these two months and after? Because I still have at least 5 months of living through this hell before I can definitely leave campus and forget about it. I'm sure that if I could have real NC (meaning, no contact with her, with him, or with her closed dorm door that yells to me all the time that she if with *****) I could overcome this issue. But as it is, I don't see how I can move on before moving geographically away. Each time I get a bit better I am hit in the face with the hard truth and am crushed again... It's been 108 days since we officially got together, 14 days since she dumped me, 7 days since she admitted she was into someone else... (And I insist, 108 days may not seem like a lot, but we were together almost 24/7 during that time, so it seems like so much more. Now she's 24/7 with another guy, and that hurts so much...)
Jackieboy Posted February 4, 2008 Posted February 4, 2008 Belkin, Its never easy and it half killed me. I know everything you have experienced, the pain, the gut wrenching agony, the desire to go over it in your mind over and over again, the feeling your heart has been ripped out.... I know all this and I really do feel for you. With me it was even worse because we were in the same student house together and her bedroom was next door and the walls were thin.... You get my drift, a very bad scene. However although it doesn't feel like it now it WILL get gradually better. Trust me Belkin it will. Its a slow process, but slowly slowly catchee monkey (English saying, basically go slow, you will get there). I know you will see her often but you must tough it out. Act as though you couldn't care and eventually you will find you don't. Don't gratify her and let her see you upset or bothered, be strong even when you don't feel it and hold your head high. There is not long to go, trust me a few months in the context of your whole life is nothing and before you know it you can move. However a note of caution, you have as much right as her to go where you want, don't let her scare you away from people and places you enjoy. I really feel for you, honestly. Let me know how its going and stay strong, mental toughness is the key. Good luck and head held high.
Author Belkin Posted February 4, 2008 Author Posted February 4, 2008 Wow, I thought having her across my doorstep was terrible, but your case must have been so many times worse... Better not to imagine the "thin walls" situation How could she do this to you? Couldn't she have the decency to go at her bf's place? I thought my ex was heartless to kiss in front of me, but so far they have slept only in his room for all I know. Thank you jackieboy for your story, I'll think about it each time I get that gut wrenching feeling again and remind myself it could be so many times worse... On Thursday we're having a common dinner (25 people) which the two of us (but not her new bf, I probably couldn't stand that yet) will attend. I hope I won't loose my self-control and all will be well... I'll probably continue ignoring her, I'm not ready yet to have a mock friendly conversation with her yet. As for doing what I want, I decided almost the day after we broke up that I would never skip a social event I wanted to attend because she'd be there too, and I've done that so far, even though it was hard each time. So no worry there! I'll keep you updated, thanks again for your support. PS: I hope you're enjoying the dating bandwagon
Author Belkin Posted February 5, 2008 Author Posted February 5, 2008 I hate this situation, I hate it, I hate it... All day long I want to see her, but when I do catch a glimpse of her it hurts so much I wish I had avoided her. Then, each time I pass her locked door, which was before always wide open, she in her room, listening to music, taking a nap, on her computer, or cooking her (and sometimes my) dinner... Each time I pass that locked door I know she is not behind it anymore, but is with ***** now... All the things we did together she now does with him, and that locked door yells at me all the time that they are together. Now, thanks to you Jackieboy, I try to remind myself she could actually be behind her door, but with ******, but that trick is starting to lose its effect... I guess I'm healing slowly, moments of despair are still present but less intense and less frequent. I try to focus on one day at a time, set myself goals to look forward to in the future (going out in the evenings, weekend at the beach, winter vacations snowboarding...) And I tell myself this experience has taught me so much, about myself, about others, and about the relations between the two... This forum is real help, I always feel better having written my thoughts down... I'm so eager for this bad period to end!
Jackieboy Posted February 5, 2008 Posted February 5, 2008 Belkin, you are getting there. Don't worry if you have bad days, thats normal, you have to go through the pain in order to reach the other side. Another tip you may wish to try, put an elastic band on your wrist, if you catch yourself day dreaming about her snap it and forcibly think of something else. Also knock her off the pedestal you have placed her on in your mind. As I have said she before she simply ISN'T that great, no one is, no one. Happiness comes from within and it will return. I like what you say about learning and being stronger, all I would say is don't be bitter or let mistrust enter into future relationships and she wins. No way that should happen, no way. You are doing so good Belkin, better then most so stick with it, hold your head high and remember, she is not worth it, her loss!
Author Belkin Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 Right, I'll try the elastic band tomorrow... I'll probably have a bleeding wrist by the end of the day though And I'll get a few looks when I'm snapping like crazy during lunch! But I'll give it a try, promise. The thing about the pedestal is that each time I manage to shove her off, she climbs back on when I'm not looking... If only she'd stay down there where she means nothing, it would all be so much easier... Or if at least someone else could fight with her for the pedestal to ultimately take her place! But so far despite all she has done and however much I reason myself she still IS that great for me As I wrote before, the mind and the heart speak a different language and often disagree... As for the "lesson learned," I'm afraid it will stay... Both the great times you can have with someone you love and who loves you, and the huge deception that can come anytime... I'll just try to put so much more weight on the positive aspects! One day at a time, one elastic band snap at a time...
Author Belkin Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 (edited) It's been one week and a few hours since I last talked to her... I miss her so much right now, I feel as I've gone back to my emotional state just after the breakup... Don't know what triggered this... But I'll try to stick to NC nonetheless... However, as I wrote further up, we're having a common dinner tomorrow, and I'm very much afraid this will revive all the pain I more or less managed to bury. I know exactly how joyful and fun she is going to be, and just thinking about tomorrow evening... ouch. She's been pretty good at avoiding me too btw, so much that I wonder if she still goes to her room at times or has definitely moved in with *****! So any tips as to how to behave tomorrow? I can't spend to whole evening fleeing to the opposite corner of the room as her, can I? Edited February 6, 2008 by Belkin
Author Belkin Posted February 6, 2008 Author Posted February 6, 2008 just went out to throw my garbage... couldn't help myself, I had to glance at HIS window. And I saw HER Tomorrow evening is going to be hell for me... I thought I was through with the crying and despair, but it's all coming back so fast!
Jackieboy Posted February 7, 2008 Posted February 7, 2008 Belkin an excellent example of why no contact works. It is so hard and tempting to check up on her (them) and in your case sadly all too easy, nightmare! However your situation is different and I know the no contact thing with you is complicated. Again stay strong, don't obsess over her, really so what if she moves in with him, so what? I know it hurts but it does not alter your current situation one iota. She cannot hurt you anymore as she is gone and living her own life. The only person who can hurt you is you, and at the moment you are punishing yourself. It's not a criticism Belkin, I know you are in pain and have difficulty controlling it, humans are gloriously flawed, weak creatures, but at the same time we possess great reserves of strength and you are so much stronger then you realise. Very very rarely is anything as bad as it seems. You are clearly one of the good people because you care and have feelings and whilst that means you get hurt it also means you are capable of great love and someone out there worthy of you will find that out to their delight! Trust me, there are many out there who are cold fish and about as caring as dead dog in the gutter. Belkin try hard, act as though the situation doesn't matter, she is not hurting you now you are. Be strong, keep up the mantra 'It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter'. Trust me on this, in a short time all this will be nothing but a bad memory, you WILL get there, there will be pain but it is part of the healing process. You are a good person, hang in there. Keep me posted!
Author Belkin Posted February 7, 2008 Author Posted February 7, 2008 (edited) [8:35 pm] Right, I knew it was a stupid move to make, but it was almost a reflex. I mean, the building on your left has one lighted window in the dark: how can you not glance? (Oh btw, same situation this evening, and I didn't look this time! I'm learning...) Trying not only to prevent myself from contacting her, but also doing all I can to look away when I see her is definitely not easy! Just a few minutes ago, I crossed her in the stairs once again. She smiled at me, but I was taken by surprise and couldn't manage anything else but a cold stare... I know she wants us to be, if not friends, at least polite, but even that is too much for me yet. Right now, she's cooking her pear and chocolate pie for tonight's dinner (due in 25 minutes...). I don't know how I'lll manage through it. It's not that I hate or despise her (would be so much easier...) it's just that each time our eyes lock I resent again so much all that I've lost and that another has taken... OK, that's not positive thinking, I know! But as always, writing this down really helps me. By writing down my fears here I understand them better and can fight them. [i hear her singing in the corridor] I hope the dinner will be ok, that I won't get in an argument or freeze the whole room with a comment I should have kept to myself. But I'll tell you all about that later, tonight or tomorrow... [11:55 pm, back after the great party] Well that was pretty much as I expected. I managed to ignore her as best I could, but felt the pain building gradually... I'm definitely not strong enough for this yet. Seeing her dancing, full of life and joy ... just too much. _____, get down your pedestal and leave me alone, please! Jackieboy, you must have lived such hell at the time, I can't even imagine! You're living proof that one can get through this, and obviously come out stronger. I wish for this to be over with, if only I could jump a few months in the future right now! Edited February 7, 2008 by Belkin
Author Belkin Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 Nah, no need to jump a few months. A few weeks will do I suppose. I'm done with the self inflicted pain. Going to read this again and again each time it threatens to come back. So long, you're OUT OF MY LIFE! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1527865#post1527865
Jackieboy Posted February 8, 2008 Posted February 8, 2008 Just think, you are dealing with it now so much better then when it first happened. See? it is getting easier but the improvement is so slow as to be almost imperceptible to yourself but I can see it in your writing. Don't be too hard on yourself you are doing good (saw your answers on what I claim back thread, good one isn't it?). There will be days when you take a step back, normal, don't worry they get less and less! As you rightly say I am living proof that not only will you get over it but you will be new and improved and wonder just what the hell it was you saw in her in the first place! Keep putting down your thoughts down and/or talking to friends, whatever helps just do and don't worry, you will be fine I just know it. Stay strong, you are so much stronger then you realise! JB
Author Belkin Posted February 8, 2008 Author Posted February 8, 2008 (edited) Doing the best I can... She's gone to see a girl friend far away for the WE, so I'm alone here without risking to meet her and knowing she won't be with *****. So that's good! I'm starting to realize that what I miss the most is not really her, but what we shared together, the fun, the complicity, the physical proximity... actually I'm missing having a girlfriend more than her, if you see what I mean... And I'm terribly jealous that SHE has someone while I'm alone (for now at least.) So that was sort of a revelation. But I won't lie, although I see all this more clearly now, my stomach still jumps when I think of her, and I know I'll welcome her back this instant if she decided I'm better than ***** after all (not that I'm counting on it though.) I think I'll be truely healed once I have someone else to replace her, but being in an 80% guy campus is definitely not helping on that domain! Well once again, however this whole thing turns out in the end, it will have been an extremely interesting experience... Edited February 8, 2008 by Belkin
Author Belkin Posted February 9, 2008 Author Posted February 9, 2008 If only it were that simple... I kept repeating myself it was over and time to move on, but still felt soooo depressed yesterday evening... I keep feeling strongly when I see someone looking remotely like her, same hair, same coat or just same posture... I'm giving myself till after winter break (3 weeks...) and after that, sad thoughts and nostalgia prohibitted!
Author Belkin Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Just found a VERY effective way to destroy all soft feelings for her, more or less by accident, but I'll probably use it on purpose now. I imagined the two of them cuddling together, kissing, touching each other... and BAM! only thing I felt for her was disgust. Hehe, no one on the pedestal right now! I hope this will work better than the elastic band... I tried it, honest, but it perversly seemed to have the adverse effect: each time I realised I had it around my wrist I remembered what it was for!
Shane7 Posted February 10, 2008 Posted February 10, 2008 Wow... To the topic creator: I've been through THE EXACT SAME THING. Literally. Our stories are INCREDIBLY similar... My advice is this, and its been said already before in the thread: DO NOT talk to her. Its that simple. At best, say hi and walk. I'm serious.. You might think that, due to this constant "forced contact situation," you'll --need-- to somehow make amends and be on speaking terms.. Don't. At least not for quite some time. I tried the other way around, and lets just say it ended up being a shot in the foot.. This is REALLY hard, and I certainly feel for you. I'm about 80% over my ex, but that 20% is still a pain in the rear sometimes, especially when she's with the guy she has now... (Thankfully, I'm confident enough in myself to think that he has nothing over me, and YOU should be too, in your situation. ) You ARE stronger. Believe it. Don't give her the power to control your life and your thoughts... thats just stupid.
Author Belkin Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey Shane, I just read your story. You're right, it's pretty much the same. Just one thing I don't really understand with yours: you refused to talk to her and basically rejected her, and then you're mad that she goes and dates someone else ? I'd have taken her back straight away! And I know what it feels like to see your gf kissing some other guy, I even know what it feels like to know she's sleeping with another guy! (But I don't know what it feels like to hear her sleeping with another guy, you'd have to ask Jackieboy about that...) As for NC on my part, I'm trying to not look at her when she's near, so speaking? Totally out of the question. But I thought this WE was going to be peaceful: knowing she was away and not with ***** would give me rest. Oh how wrong! I was so sure after Thursday's dinner/party that I was through with it... Just reread my post of the time, and remembered my absolute certainty! But it all came back... And it's not enough to think of her all day, I can't even sleep alone: this night I dreamt we were back together and spending the WE in London, as we had said we would when still together. Waking up was NOT fun! Even though I can change my feelings for her to disgust thanks to the new revised elastic band scheme, I can't do anything about my feelings towards the relationship! And obviously, if I dream about us being together again, it's that I want it more than anything. As I wrote before, I'd still welcome her back in an instant... Well, that's all folks! Time for a shower and a shave I'm going to occupy myself today, it's nice and sunny, lot's of things to do, not much time to do them! Need to be strong for this evening when she'll be coming back from her WE and her voice will ring in the staircase as she climbs back to her room... and then leaves it once her bags are dropped to go kiss ***** whom she missed soooooo much! and only come back the next morning to get her class stuff for monday's first lesson...
Author Belkin Posted February 10, 2008 Author Posted February 10, 2008 Hey Shane, I just read your story. You're right, it's pretty much the same. Just one thing I don't really understand with yours: you refused to talk to her and basically rejected her, and then you're mad that she goes and dates someone else ? I'd have taken her back straight away! And I know what it feels like to see your gf kissing some other guy, I even know what it feels like to know she's sleeping with another guy! (But I don't know what it feels like to hear her sleeping with another guy, you'd have to ask Jackieboy about that...) As for NC on my part, I'm trying to not look at her when she's near, so speaking? Totally out of the question. But I thought this WE was going to be peaceful: knowing she was away and not with ***** would give me rest. Oh how wrong! I was so sure after Thursday's dinner/party that I was through with it... Just reread my post of the time, and remembered my absolute certainty! But it all came back... And it's not enough to think of her all day, I can't even sleep alone: this night I dreamt we were back together and spending the WE in London, as we had said we would when still together. Waking up was NOT fun! Even though I can change my feelings for her to disgust thanks to the new revised elastic band scheme, I can't do anything about my feelings towards the relationship! And obviously, if I dream about us being together again, it's that I want it more than anything. As I wrote before, I'd still welcome her back in an instant... Well, that's all folks! Time for a shower and a shave I'm going to occupy myself today, it's nice and sunny, lot's of things to do, not much time to do them! Need to be strong for this evening when she'll be coming back from her WE and her voice will ring in the staircase as she climbs back to her room... and then leaves it once her bags are dropped to go kiss ***** whom she missed soooooo much! and only come back the next morning to get her class stuff for monday's first lesson... ouch! disgust now ! Easier to cope with than pain and regret, IMO.
Jackieboy Posted February 11, 2008 Posted February 11, 2008 Hi Belkin and Shane too! Yep, some things work well, some not so well. Ditch the band if it has the opposite effect. As I said you will have those bad days, days when you feel you are back to square one, but Belkin you are not, not by a long way. I can see you getting stronger every post you put on. You clearly recognise what has happened and why you must let go and acceptance of the reality of a situation is going a hell of a long way towards healing. Again I speak from first hand experience. And as for hearing her next door..... It was bad alright, I would get up and walk round the campus to avoid it but that was in the past and now I just look back and shake my head and give a wry smile. Belkin you're getting there, keep with the programme and draw on your strength and soon this will all be just a bad memory. Again, trust me, it will.
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