eagle5 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 I felt I had to say this on here as this forum has been a massive help to me - Yesterday and today are the first two days I have not cried over my ex, she broke it up in December (9th) and I thought my life had ended. I have posted before about my situation and I wanted to stress the importance of NC to everyone who is struggling with it. My ex has contacted me a few times with the 'how are you, I just want to make sure you're ok' rubbish and each time it's sent me back a mile just because I've heard her voice and it's brought back all the memories. I've not contacted her at all though and the last time she rang I said to her it was killing me having to speak to her, it was hard to say but I think she got the message and won't contact me for a while or until I finally feel I'm ready (if ever) to talk to her again. Just to reiterate, I truely believed she was the 1 love of my life and of course deep down I still want that more than ever but it is out of my control, so what I can control is looking after my best interests. PLEASE don't break NC, it really does work, the road ahead is rocky but stay on it and we'll all get to where we want to be eventually. Best of luck everyone..........Eagle x
BrianG Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Glad to hear your having a good day. Did you respond when she left the messages? If so, what did you say? How long were you together for? I feel the same way about her being the love of my life and is out of my control. Your post sounds like something i would write.
Author eagle5 Posted January 30, 2008 Author Posted January 30, 2008 Hi Brian, When she called I picked up and had a 20 min conversation, she told me she missed me being around and said things like 'you confided so much about your life in me it's sad you can't talk to me anymore', to which I told her how it made it twice as hard as I've lost my best friend too! I mean how could I just carry on talking to her as if nothing was wrong? She maybe wants the friendship still but certainly for the moment it would kill me. We were together for just over 10 months, incidentally Saturday (2nd Feb) would have been our 1 year anniversary so I'm going to keep real busy. Cheers..
NickP Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 well done eagle. Im in the same position as u, just 3+ months down the road. Things do get brighter. stay strong nick
vanilla_11 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I second that No Contact! I did it, I loved it and I am much better for it. You will be too! Congrats!
Snap22 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I have to 100% agree with you on the NC issue! Been split from my ex for 6 weeks now, we have'nt spoken for over 2 weeks. He left me for someone else he met at his new job (he was unemployed for the most of our 4 year relationship and relied on me for everything). He didnt want to speak to me at first and would just be hurtful and cold. We then had a few chats on msgr where he talked about his new GF and sent me photo's of her?! Since then, we havent spoken at all...not a call, email or single text message. It is quite obvious that he has completely erased me from his mind and our relationship meant nothing, so I took the decision to do exactly the same. I have a good cry once a week or so and then continue to live my life and love it without him. I ahve fantastic friends and family who have been incredibly supportive. But its that little bit of something that will see us all through, that little bit of fight we all have that means people who hurt us and treat us badly will not define us. Every day I feel stronger because of MY decision to go NC. KEEP GOING GUYS! IT IS SUCH AN EMPOWERING FEELING.
hippyvic Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Hi all of you, you sound all sound as though you have been through hell and i completely understand your pain. My 8 year marriage broke up about nearly 2 years ago and although i had been expecting it for a coupld of years, it still wasn't easy. I had a hard time with it and had to not only get myself through it but my 5 year old daughter too. Eventually life does get back to a sense of normality and you start seeing more of the negative things than the positive things. IT's a hard and sometimes lonely road but spend time with people who really love you and care about your wellbeing. I have now found a great guy who thinks the world of me and i wouldn't change it for the world!! Big hugs to you all x
Jackieboy Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I agree with Hippyvic. My wife walked on me 4 and a half months ago, the love of my life, can't live without her blah blah blah. First month? Contact, a very bad mistake it just knocked me back again and again, now no contact for over 3 months and guess what, i DON'T think about her all the time, I can laugh and have fun with friends and I have just started to see someone who I like a lot. Ladies and gents out there, NO CONTACT WORKS! Don't do it for them, do it for yourself and refuse to have who you are as a person defined by someone else. It is always darkest before the dawn, but that dawn will break.....
Author eagle5 Posted January 31, 2008 Author Posted January 31, 2008 NO CONTACT WORKS! Don't do it for them, do it for yourself and refuse to have who you are as a person defined by someone else. Thanks everyone, we are right aren't we!!! as they say 'the proof of the cake is in the eating', it's probably the hardest thing to do and there are still going to be hard times ahead but to me it's the only way. Absolutely agree Jackieboy, as long as the ex is contacting you, they are also controlling you. 3rd day for me now, I nearly slipped up earlier by getting all depressed and thinking of the past etc but then I just thought that she doesn't really care for me NOW and it's NOW I'm living in, my life not hers..... Keep going.....x
Blue Eyed Brain Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Thank you for your endearing words. I will keep this in mind during my quest for the inner peace and a great guy that could love me.
Aboohoo Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Im on my 4th day of NC and you're right as it gets a little easier as each day comes and goes. Im worried though as i have to my my ex in a few weekends while i pick up my stuff and because of the drive im having to stay the night with him there! Will this put me back to step one? Or because of the time will it be ok? He's moved on with another girl (via internet!) and though he said he wanted to stay as my best friend has made no contact apart from one text to tell me heath ledger had died!!! Im already feeling stronger and honestly dont want to be with him again, ive come over the first and ive already got new exciting things happening for me. Will seeing him again hurt me again? Im liking the control of no contact - at last i feel i have some self respect back and im calling the shots for once!
dfreeman Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Hello everyone - first post here and seem to have found the right thread. Me and my girlfriend of 5 years (+ 3 as friends before that) broke up two weeks ago and I move out on Sunday. Nothing real bad to say about either of us (she was unhappy and controlling, I turned into a negative person and used sabotage to get us to the break up point). The break was mutual, but in the end, she was done first and hit me with some serious anger (for about a week). My response to this, was sadness and regret (throw in a little guilt for my bad actions to push her so far away) . I even swallowed a small bit of pride by suggesting counseling to stay together, but at least I wasn't dumb enough to just ask her for a second chance with things staying the way they were. After a few days of crying and getting angry inside towards her, I leaned on my friends and am in a good place with everything - they all miss the guy I was before being with her and think that it was taking too much out of me trying to make her happy. Soooo, I fired up google and found y'all here I am very grateful for all the people that have posted their NC stories on here and am using them to gain momentum heading into this weekend. After Sunday, I get two weeks without a reason to get in touch with her and hope to do it straight through. Then I have to go back to get the rest of my things and hopefully sign papers to sell her my portion of the house. This will coincide with a commitment I have to be at her daughter's event and then, it will be back to NC. Before reading this forum, I have to admit to searching for ways in my mind to keep tiny avenues of communication open between us (probably so I could satisfy my curiosity of whether she will miss me or not), but now I am actually looking forward to not being in touch with her. I can't guarantee that I won't come back screaming in a week, but the encouragement on here is very empowering. It even helped me give her a little more attractive buyout option on our house. I did it in hopes of avoiding a drawn-out and painful situation where we would be fixing up the house and selling it together (all the while I would probably be dwelling on the good times and grasping for any little sign of reconciliation). Thanks for listening, wish me well, and most of all - THANKS FOR SAYING THAT NC WORKS!
Jackieboy Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Dfreeman, I know where you're at, my sympathies it is so difficult. If you weaken and think about contacting her look up a guy who posts on Loveshack and signs 'No foolin'. He will tell you in no uncertain terms why you must stick with no contact and how it will get you through all the pain. Be warned, he tells it like it is but he kept me strong and I am well on the way to recovery. Good luck
prisonbreak Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Good job on not breaking the NC! I have a question for you, because I'm struggling with the NC. When she contacts you, doesn't it give you a lift (emotionally), just knowing she wants to talk to you and for one second you have the upper hand? That's my struggle.
Author eagle5 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Posted February 1, 2008 Good job on not breaking the NC! I have a question for you, because I'm struggling with the NC. When she contacts you, doesn't it give you a lift (emotionally), just knowing she wants to talk to you and for one second you have the upper hand? That's my struggle. It does to a degree lift me but then I think 'she left me' and I feel she's only wanting to speak to ease her guilt, maybe she does care still but that said, it really hurt me ALOT after we did speak because it DID feel like old times for a short while, but when we finished speaking I had to remember all the things I'd been trying so hard to forget. I think that's the whole idea of NC, you put them out of your mind as much as possible and concentrate on yourself. Any contact at all is just going to negate all that you have gained in that time, you have to say to yourself that is a CLEAN break, no going back etc Don't forget you are not alone, keep strong.......
dfreeman Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Dfreeman, I know where you're at, my sympathies it is so difficult. If you weaken and think about contacting her look up a guy who posts on Loveshack and signs 'No foolin'. He will tell you in no uncertain terms why you must stick with no contact and how it will get you through all the pain. Be warned, he tells it like it is but he kept me strong and I am well on the way to recovery. Good luck Thanks JB, His thread was excellent and I will keep it bookmarked for Sunday afternoon when I am pulling away on NC Day. I am planning for the worst when I actually have to stop contacting her (I can be a bit of a sap for past relationships), but this forum has helped me put my head in the right place and I am well into my 4th week at the gym. On the good side of things, we have all but reached a final money agreement on the buyout of the house - this means she can't call me over to fix stuff anymore and I can give back my keys! Their are two potential trouble spots that I am particularly watching out for: 1. I will see her twice two weeks from Sunday...once to move the rest of my stuff out of the house and the next day at a social engagement. 2. We still have to sign paperwork together and exchange money to settle the house. ...only then can I start true NC - the first two weeks will only be practice
Author eagle5 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 (edited) End of day 4 and it's our 1 year anniversary today (2nd), still no tears, hallelujah, I know the moment will come but this is definately the first part of a turning point for me. 6 weeks ago I didn't even want to crawl out of bed, I can't wait for the next 6 weeks!!! Edited February 2, 2008 by eagle5
prisonbreak Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 Congrats on day 4! Your right I need to make a clean break and answering his calls will only prolong things. He left Dec 1st, but has made contact on and off. Your right, they do it to ease their pain(guilt), with no regard to us. About 2 weeks after he left, he called me crying and wanted me desperately to come over so we could talk. He was balling, puffy eyes and all. I sat there for 2 hours consoling him. Rubbing his back. At first it made me feel better, knowing he cared and it was hard on him too. Before I left he said thank you, but we were still over. WTF? Driving home I felt like a fool. I was used. Where is he for me when I cry myself to sleep every night? He's not rubbing my back. I know it's a blessing though. Not to get all Godly on you, but it's only in my darkest sadest hour that I get peace from God. If he was there consoling me, I wouldn't learn to cry out to God. I've learned God is all you need, when God is all you have.
brokenhearteddad Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 This thread is exactly what I needed to read. You can click my member name and read my post. It is completely devastating and we have an 11 month old girl. I did the stupid thing when we separated and kept pushing her for answers and telling her I love her and miss her. Looking back now, it was not so smart, but when you are hurt and going nuts, you can't always find the strength to not call and get some information. Anyway, I have started the no contact (extremely tough for me, I mean EXTREMELY! because I also miss not seeing my daughter daily). It has been about two weeks and I have not called her once. She has called twice to small talk and yes, my eyes and heart lite up like a Christmas tree when I saw her name on my phone. I quickly had to remind myself that she was probably only calling to get herself angry at me so she could continue to justify her cheating. I do not think she is happy at all with the new guy. I went to pick up my daughter today and my wife (soon to be ex) may have looked at me only once in 15 minutes. I was very positive and happy go lucky and I don't think she liked that I was happy. She almost looked ashamed with her head down most of the time and her answers were short. I dod not get into asking her how she was or what was wrong with her, I just loaded my daughter up and told he I would see her Sunday. I say all of this because it started with the NO CONTACT method and it is working. Yes, some of the happy go lucky attitude was a front, but it felt good not to feel or appear sad in front of her like I have done so many times before. The NC rule will either make her chase me and come back or it will allow me to move on. Either way NC is the way to go. Sorry for the long post.
Author eagle5 Posted February 2, 2008 Author Posted February 2, 2008 Hi brokenhearteddad, You are in a tricky situation as your daughter is involved, are you able to see her whenever you like? It must be hard doing the NC thing as you can't strictly stick to it in your circumstance. I have 2 boys from my previous relationship (marriage) and luckily can see them when I like, but you are right not to feel and act sad infront of her, it shows her you are ok with the situstion (even if inside you are dying) and the last thing she would want to see is you being a blubbering mess infront of her. I have learned this the hard way, I cried my eyes out infront of my ex gf and she told me how un attractive it was so keep it up, you are right, she may miss you knowing you are holding up well BUT you are also doing it for yourself. You now have time to re establish who you are as an individual and what you want if she doesn't come back. A year ago today I was with my ex gf, it was the night we met and it's been BLOODY hard not to call or txt her today to remind her of that, but I know she won't have forgotten herself, part of me would love her to contact me so we could talk about it but it WOULD set me back again. Please just keep in mind that any sort of contct with your ex (apart from seeing your daughter) would hurt you in the long run, the less you have that contact the more you'll be able to look forward not backwards. Don't not cry when you need to, that's part of the healing process too, but you need to look after YOU now, if she comes back it'll happen anyway and you'll be a stronger person when she does.. Keep it up man, remember you are not alone......Eagle
kymberann Posted February 3, 2008 Posted February 3, 2008 So glad to read this. I have been going back and forth and back and forth! I have got to stick to the NC. One thing I keep in mind by staying away is that he can't hurt me anymore or make it my fault when we disagree! He called me last night and I answered but I told him I stick to what I have told hem all along, BLAH. He isn't worth the energy. And I can't let him sweet talk me! Isn't it amazing what we allow and how long we allow it for before we get sick of it! Best to all!
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