The promised morning update

[jdeedee]

I feel like **** right now. I called her yesterday, left the most honest message I possibly could

 

I've been really missing you and the way we were together. I would love to meet with you face to face and talk things over. I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to tell you in person how I feel about you and how sorry I am that we broke up.

and she didn't call back. This morning she walked right by the window as fast as she could, didn't turn to see me, nothing.

 

Is this really going to be how it ends? I have always known she gives the cold shoulder to people after a breakup but really, for christ's sake, you'd think she would say something to me.

 

I hurt right now a lot. I'm a bit angry and just frustrated. She is holding a grudge against me and I don't know why.

 

For all the bad things I say about myself I know I was a good boyfriend and I deserve to at least be told that she doesn't want anything to do with me. I deserve that right?

 

Am I not giving it enough time? I feel like simultaneously screaming and bawling. This isn't providing closure it's just digging the wound deeper.

 

I want to go upstairs and talk to her, to shake her and say "You can't just ignore people." I am really confused right now and hurting.

Edited January 24, 2008 by jdeedee

[Jmina]

You deserve A WHOLE LOT MORE than what your getting... which is the exact reason why you should be running the complete opposite direction from her.

 

She isnt going to come to you and tell you she doesnt want anything to do with you. Especially if you have been completely honest so she knows just how you feel about her. If anything she probably feels annoyed and confused. Its not easy for dumpers either especially if they want to move on and youre still there. Or dumpees that turn into dumpers...They want to disapear from you and it is what she is trying to do.

 

On the other hand, if you feel that you have to keep trying then that is what you have to do. Youre message had a place. Dont regret it, you are doing what you can, your at wits end striving for some sort of peace, and youre probably just trying to 'fix' it.

 

The peace that you are looking for is in yourself. Maybe in a years time she might be able to tell you yes she has moved on but she wishes you well, but right now let her disapear if that is what she wants.

 

You really do deserve more. She cant and wont give it to you. Whether its a relationship or the truth.

 

If she does count yourself lucky that you got a kickstart in moving on.

 

I suggest you get everything out your head right now so you can drop and just get to the tears, but then rise again after it. You know the rollarcoaster. What goes down must come up. Im sure if you had a clear head you could create some positive energy for your life. For today.

 

Jmina

[jdeedee]

I am so damn confused if I was the dumper or dumpee if I broke up with her or if she did with me.

 

I never ended a relationship in my life and in this case it is the closest I have ever come to doing so. We were having a heated conversation and she told me she couldn't support this or that in my life and I said if she couldn't do that we needed to end it. So it almost feels mutual in that sense.

 

I don't really think it matters if she was the f'in dumper or dumpee. She is moving on and doesn't give a single thought about me. I cannot believe at all that she is going to ignore the phone call though.

 

I had convinced myself that the email was closed ended, it was. The birthday card I sent was just a good will gesture. This phone call was an active attempt at reconciliation and it looks like she doesn't fcking care.

 

I look pathetic, I am pathetic I do this every single breakup and I blah.

 

Am I kidding myself if I hold out hope that she might ever call me back? I can't believe she just walked right by the window today didn't look or even turn her head. She is so cold to me.

[Jmina]

Yeah she didnt turn her head. You turned yours.

 

very cold. keep running. in the opposite direction.

 

 

 

Why are you pathetic? noone wants to let go of what they love. i didnt, noone does. weve all tried it.

 

When a parent is interviewed by the police about a death or even murder of their child do you know what the police look for in a statement?

 

they listen for the parent to talk as if the child is still alive.

 

They ARE such good children

 

They ARE 3 years old.

 

instead of

 

they WERE good children

 

they WERE so on and so on.

 

 

the murderers talk in past tense, the innocent talk in present tense.

 

the murderers dont live by their heart (obviously) the innocent well that goes without saying.

 

My point is that it is very normal and very natural to hold on to someone that you love and not accept that they might be gone. Especially when they hold your heart!

 

You are FAR from pathetic. dont ever let someone else tell you that, and it is just as bad doing it to yourself.

 

 

You need some serious self love right now! where is it?

[jdeedee]

but she isn't a murderer, I know she isn't. She has her issues and does this during breakups, I saw her do it before, I just don't understand it. She loved me I know she did. I see now how hard she did try and I feel like blah. I don't even know I feel like I could have saved the relationship if I tried hard enough.

 

I want some closure from her about this but it looks like unless she has plans to talk to me sometime in the future and is still torn internally about it I'm not getting any closure. I can't chase her indefinitely that is just not going to work

 

I look like some groveling puppy begging to come back. I don't want that to be the way she remembers me.

[Jmina]

stop sticking up for her!!!!

 

stick up for yourself!

 

of course she loved you.

 

you are on different paths now.

 

shes not a murderer. The murderer isnt the person i am portraying.

 

It is you. the one who holds on in a very normal way. i am explaining that what you did isnt pathetic.

 

At the moment this is all about her. each post i have to manipulate to get it back to you. which is just where you should be. about you. not her.

[jdeedee]

I'm not talking about me because I don't know what to say about me?

 

I feel sick like just going home early today.

Edited January 24, 2008 by jdeedee

[Jmina]

awesome thats fine. any reaction to this is a good one. its the first step.

 

this is what we talk about.

 

but first do you have time to talk?? if so ill go through some stuff with you...im willing if you are!

[jdeedee]

I have about 40 minutes until I am out of work.

[Jmina]

are you willing to move on? you dont have to want to or even know how to... but you do have to be willing.

 

are you willing to take new perspectives to accept what has happened so you can see things in a much better light, and get much more direction on what to do?

 

if your not willing then you need to make a decision to change or not.

 

throwing up your hands in horror at what we may call the mess of our lives and just giving up are the ways we all react in these types of situations. by giving up i mean - its all hopeless, and its impossible to make anychanges so why try? the rest of it goes 'just stay the way you are at least you know how to handle that pain. you dont like it but it is familiar and you hope it wont get any worse.

 

its like with habitual anger is like sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on.

something happens and you get angry, something else happens and you get angry again, something else happens and you get angry again, and once again something happens and you get angry., but you never go beyond getting angry...what good does it do. it just wastes time. its also a refusal to perceive life in a new and different way. it would be much more helpful to ask yourself how you are creating so many situations to be angry at. or hurt at. what are you beliving that causes all these frustrations? what are yuo giving out that attracts in others the need to irritate you? why do you belive that to get your way you need to get angry?whatever you vive out comes back to you. the more you give out anger the more you are creating situations for you to get angry at. like sitting in a corner with a dunce cap on gtting nowhere. is this bringing feelings of anger? good! it must be hitting home. this is something you could be willing to change.

[jdeedee]

I am very willing to make changes and move on. I have been going to therapy about this very stuff. My call to her was a long thought through decision to try and reconcile things because I do want her back (I always want my exes back) and I didn't feel like I tried hard enough.

 

I wanted to make an active attempt at contact, a phone call is really the only option beyond going to find her during school and talk to her in person which is a bit too aggressive.

 

I have to move on right now because I feel literally stuck. I want some sort of closure from her, I need to know if she doesn't want to hear from me or try. I wish she would say something instead of ignoring me, but I can't decide what she does or doesn't.

 

I don't have anger issues right now with her as much as self doubt and hopelessness about myself. Her behavior towards me reflects on my own opinion of self, I don't know how to judge myself without looking towards others.

 

I feel like I am worthless if being ignored is so easy to do in my regards. Perhaps I have just changed subjects now, I don't know so I'll end it at that.

 

Today I feel very hopeless. For the first time in a while I don't even feel like I can eat.

[Jmina]

your not hopeless.

 

your relationship is over yes.

 

your life isnt.

 

make the call then,

 

its up to you. work on yourself and get some personal growth happening then see if you still need to make the call

 

 

or make the call find that you probably will go down hill and through a number of emotions and then decide that was your last attempt and then start on the personal growth,

 

whatever order it comes in you have to work on yourself with her out the picture and out the mind.

[jdeedee]

I did make the call last night, that's what this whole thread is about. Her not replying, my her being colder than ever (as if her glancing at me for a milisecond the past two days wasnt cold).

 

I am trying to work on myself today seems especially hard (but ive been saying that for the past week)

[Jmina]

Look. you need time. nothing today is going to make you let her go. its a process of accepting. accepting that hey she might not reply. accepting that she isnt ready. accepting that she doesnt want to be friends. accepting she might never reply. accepting that she might never want to be friends. accepting that its over and then finally letting her go.

 

accepting taht your in this path now and your lesson is so f*ing hard because you have so much to learn. everything you are going to gain is exactly that, positive. you will gain. you will be stronger. Youre feeling very weak right now. god doesnt hand out strong pills or zap us with strength when we ask for it. we are given situatinos in which to gain the strength.

 

everything that is happening right now is exactly how it is meant to.

 

you didnt like how you were with her did you? so now your getting a chance to improve. the bonus is that once you improve you will want someone even better to suit you.

 

you need to go with the flow right now.

 

you are resisting that.

 

your fighting with every single thing that you get dealt.

 

it makes you angry it makes you hurt you feel worthless hopeless.

 

the fact is, its happening. she didnt reply, she didnt look at you.

 

as ****ty as you feel you need to accept that you feel ****ty. its okay.

 

that is the first step of going with the flow.

 

so youve accepted how you feel dont resist feeling like ****. just go with it. write it out it.

[CalamitousJane]

Ahh, jdeedee, that's just horrible.

 

It might now feel like it right now, but I think you'll be able to look back on this soon and be proud of how you handled it.

 

Jmima's awesome, and she knows what she's talking about when it comes to letting go and starting to heal. It's crazy hard on the heart and the guts, but it needs to be done.

 

I know you want desperately to have a conversation with her, but I think that given her behavior now is not the right time. For whatever reason, it seems like she is likely to act cold and rejective toward you, and it hurts me to imagine you going through that in your tender state. You are in a good place right now, karma-wise, your behavior toward her has been very honest and respectful.

 

Maybe you promise yourself to wait a little while, a week or so, before revisiting the idea of contacting her. That way you'll have a chance to stabilize a little.

 

I think it's always a good idea to avoid communicating while one is overwhelmed with emotions. In time the feelings will ripen into insight, you will feel calmer and wiser, and that will be a much better time to reach out, if you still want to.

[jdeedee]

I'm trying. More than anything right now I want to go play piano, bang out Lennon's Isolation, but I have class in 10 minutes.

 

 

I'll be back to chat later today. Thank you again Jmina

[jdeedee]

Thank you too Jane, I really really do appreciate the words you helped me send to my ex. I do not regret calling her I just hope and really cling for that strenght to get through this and perhaps cling still a little to the idea she might want to talk to me one day.

 

I am not going to push and push to see her again, if I see her I do. Right now I need to figure out how to deal with her coldness and isolation from me

[Jmina]

ill be back tmrw. i have an idea that might help... ill pm you about it.

 

Jmina