fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Tonight while my bf of 2 months was having sex with me, we had the following conversation: Him: This feels good, but it would be even better without a condom on Me: I know, but we cant do it without one Him: Would you ever consider being on the pill? Me: Well, it has a lot of side effects. Him: Yea well it will feel better and it works better than condoms. Me: So you want me to be on the pill even though there are side effects? Him: Yea Me: Just so you can feel better without a condom? Him: Yea Me: Well, prob not cuz I don't want side effects Him: What kind of side effects? Me: Like cancer and alot of stuff Him: Oh Me: Do you still want me to be on the pill? Him: Well it's your choice. I mean I just think it might be better for both of us. Feels better and is better at preventing pregnancy I felt pretty hurt at him saying yea that he'd still want me to be on the pill despite side effects just mainly cuz it will feel better for him to have sex without a condom. I need some input. Do you all think that he's kind of a jerk with this? Or am I being overly sensitive? I really would appreciate input. Thanks.
Ocean-Blue Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Tonight while my bf of 2 months was having sex with me, we had the following conversation: Him: This feels good, but it would be even better without a condom on Me: I know, but we cant do it without one Him: Would you ever consider being on the pill? Me: Well, it has a lot of side effects. Him: Yea well it will feel better and it works better than condoms. Me: So you want me to be on the pill even though there are side effects? Him: Yea Me: Just so you can feel better without a condom? Him: Yea Me: Well, prob not cuz I don't want side effects Him: What kind of side effects? Me: Like cancer and alot of stuff Him: Oh Me: Do you still want me to be on the pill? Him: Well it's your choice. I mean I just think it might be better for both of us. Feels better and is better at preventing pregnancy I felt pretty hurt at him saying yea that he'd still want me to be on the pill despite side effects just mainly cuz it will feel better for him to have sex without a condom. I need some input. Do you all think that he's kind of a jerk with this? Or am I being overly sensitive? I really would appreciate input. Thanks. Was he said was thoughtless. BUT. Consider WHEN he uttered these words... DURING sex. The man was not thinking straight. Perhaps you should revisit the topic...and ask him what the heck he really thinks.
Leia Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Eeerrr... I don't think having sex without condom is a good idea. It's not just about preventing pregnancies, it's to prevent STDs too! I think your boyfriend needs some education on safe sex.
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 It's clear that he cares more about his own pleasure more than about your well being. Personally, this would really hurt me and I would start to question whole replationship but then again I'm pretty sensitive like that. I guess it depends on your expectations. I want "slay the dragons for me/ worries and values my health and well being above all else" kind of love. But most people settle for less and wouldn't think twice about his comment.
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Oh my GAWD ladies, lighten up! First of all, FRAY... He wasn't "having sex WITH you." You make yourself sound like a masturbatory tool for crying out loud! Unless you were in fact lying there like a dead fish, you two were having sex with one another. Second, sex without a condom feels better for BOTH partners. Oh yes it does. I don't think there's anything selfish about wanting to increase sexual pleasure. Third, the BC pill actually REDUCES your risk of cancer. The medical benefits far outweigh any risks (unless you're over 35 and smoke). Get educated on this. Fourth, when taken correctly, the BC pill is more effective at preventing pregnancy than condoms. Any risks he puts you at risk for, he's risking for himself as well here. It's a risk-risk (or a win-win) situation here.
oppath Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Yeah, I agree with SG. It maybe wasn't the best time, but look at it differently. He was basically saying "sex with you is incredible. I want to feel you so bad, I'm just so attracted to you, this is intense." I can see where it would come off as pressure but I think he was moreso in the moment. I get that way with women too. The ones who aren't on the pill usually say "I want to have sex with you without a condom and feel you climax inside of me. I feel so close to you. Some day I want to **** you without a condom, I want to feel it." They aren't even talking about being on birth control. In the moment, these women want me to orgasm inside of them without a condom. Why? Because it feels good and helps them orgasm. He wasn't pressuring you to have sex without a condom. He was suggesting you go on the pill because it would be more pleasurable for both of you. Personally, I'd tell him "I'll go to the doctor to get an STD test and talk about the pill if you agree to do the same (STD)." You don't have to go on the pill, but it wouldn't hurt to discuss it if you are sexually active.
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 just want to clarify that this convo was while we were taking a break from sex, and not at all during when we were getting it on. i just remembered being shocked/hurt when i asked 'so u want me to be on the pill even with side effectc?' and he just said 'yea' with a smile on his face
Krytie TV Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Blah blah blah piece of sh*t man blah blah blah. First off, I think there are a lot of men who would not be sexually active with a woman not on the pill or some form of contraceptive... me being one. After my FWB experience, I learned I could NEVER feel comfortable with a condom as birth control. So the fact he is willing says a lot. Second... wow fray. This is 2008. You're not going to spontaneously combust when you go on the pill. Could you be any more paranoid for no reason? You really need to do some research. Take responsibility for your own BC, condoms slip, break, and many other things. By not being on birth control you place all of the control on the man... is that really a good idea fray?
BlueEyedGirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I knew people were going to react like this. Lets put it this way, my dad has never let my mum take the pill and they have been using condoms as BC for 35 years. It's not a matter of him wanting to feel close to her, all men think that sex feels better without a condom it's a no brainer. It is about beintg selfish. Benefits/risks of the pill are highly debatable. If she doesn't feel comfortable about it, then she shouldn't do it under any circumstances. If I was in your position fray, I would just explain my reasons and hold my ground. However even if he backs off, I would have never been able to forget his comments.
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Where the heck are you getting your info, fray? Not only is BC more effective than condoms at preventing pregnancy, but there *aren't* any side effects you woulnd't be immediately aware of, that happen to a small percentage of women, usually smokers over 35. I think the way he *worded* what he said was a little insensitive, but you can't really blame the guy for putting forward and pursuing a *very* normal idea.
StartingOver07 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Fray, this guy just can't win, can he? What is so wrong with him wanting the sex to feel better (for both of you)? Aren't you having problems with sex, orgasm, etc.? Perhaps this would help increase your pleasure too. As long as you have both been tested, there is nothing wrong with using an alternate form of birth control that will allow for greater sensation for both partners. If you don't like the pill, how about a diaphram or IUD?
dropdeadlegs Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 While I beg to differ with your ideas of the pill having adverse side affects, I can understand how you would be hurt by his words based on your feelings and beliefs. Frankly, the side affects were considered great, by my standards. First, periods are often of a shorter duration, less heavy, and virtually cramp free in my experience. When used correctly, they are VERY effective in preventing pregnancy, which made sexual pleasure easier to attain by allowing my mind to be more relaxed. However, if you have never had condom free sex, you can't possibly know or understand that the sensation is a world apart from the sensation while using condoms. It's really a whole different experience for a woman, and I assume even more so for a man. Personally I hate condoms. I hate the feeling of "rubber" on my skin, much less internally. I agree that they are a necessary evil, but I honestly would rather go without sex than use them.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Just felt the need to put my two cents in here. Reality is that for a vast majority of women the BC pill has very positive/beneficial effects. However for a small percentage they can and do cause problems, myself included. I won't go into details - but suffice it to say I was faced with a medical condition, that eventually required very major surgery that was made worse by the pill. Having said that - when I was told by my doctor I could no longer use the pill, I immediately asked for alternative methods of BC. When we discovered I was allergic to one, I kept trying until I found my current method. There is no way I would trust only one method of BC, especially one that I was not controlling! As far as your hurt feelings go Fray - I would be hurt as well, and would certainly question how much this man actually cared vs how much he considered me as only for sex. Not knowing anything about the other parts of your relationship - I would say that is something you need to weigh yourself. However his reaction itself could be because you were not presenting him with educated facts - so perhaps he was being more cavalier about it than appropriate. Personally I would discuss it with him, and then decide next steps based on that discussion
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I agree that they are a necessary evil, but I honestly would rather go without sex than use them. I agree completely!
lovelorcet Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Thank god enough sensible women jumped in there to set this straight. I refuse to have sex with a woman who is not on the pill, end of story. As far as condoms go it is a matter of STD protection and back-up BC.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Jumping in late here but I don't think what he said was so horrible. It's the truth, and I who have been on the pill for years agree. Most partners who are in a true long term deal don't like condoms.
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 Jumping in late here but I don't think what he said was so horrible. It's the truth, and I who have been on the pill for years agree. Most partners who are in a true long term deal don't like condoms. Condoms suck! Condomless sex is a whole different ballpark where sensation is concerned. unwrapped : wrapped :: wrapped : masturbation
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 unwrapped : wrapped :: wrapped : masturbation with a rubber glove on You left out an important part.
lexi29 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I understand why you are upset- I have a close friend who feels the same way about the pill. however I've been on it for several years and am one of the lucky ones that have few to no side effects. Personally I would have a tough time having sex with condoms only just because I feel out of control in protecting myself (have had condoms break in the past). So while its a personal choice for you- you may want to look into some other form of BC. I'm not going to debate the pros and cons of condomless sex, I do think it is easier and the feeling isn't all that different to me. Its more spontaneous which is really nice but we stopped using condoms ONLY after we'd both been tested. So unless you bf was a virgin before he met you I would definately ask him to get tested. His pushing you to not use condoms suggests to me that he didn't use them with many of the other women he slept with. There are so many STDs (and ones that you can't get rid of- HPV, Herpes HIV etc) that I've be very leery about having sex with someone who hasnt been tested. Regardless, you have a right to be upset because your bf should respect YOUR feelings and if you are not comfortable with taking bc then he shouldn't have a problem with that just because he wants sex to feel better.
Author fray718 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Posted January 24, 2008 If I was in your position fray, I would just explain my reasons and hold my ground. However even if he backs off, I would have never been able to forget his comments. Thanks for everyone's replies. Right now I'm not even thinking bout what is good or bad in terms of BC. I'm more focused on his comments, how he just said 'yea' with a smile? It felt like he didnt think about me or how I felt...almost like he didnt even realize that I felt hurt. Also, I think more long-term and big picture than just situationally. I think about how he might be as a long term partner and this is not a good sign. This in addition to other things. The above quote is exactly how i feel. I lost my love for him. It was like when he said it i felt 'who is this person? why am i with him?'
Star Gazer Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 I lost my love for him. It was like when he said it i felt 'who is this person? why am i with him?' You can't love someone you don't "know." Perhaps your BF is actually educated about the risks/benefits of the BC pill, and knows that your concerns really aren't justified.
bmrrll07 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 "no glove, no love" there is a reason that prase is used. yes with the pill sex will feel better i agree. but its not a garinty that it will work i got pregent on the pill. if your that passionate about useing the contom then your guy should be understanding of it and drop it. make a stand with this and don't let him talk you into not useing one, cuz a real man will use on every time.
allina Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 "no glove, no love" there is a reason that prase is used. yes with the pill sex will feel better i agree. but its not a garinty that it will work i got pregent on the pill. if your that passionate about useing the contom then your guy should be understanding of it and drop it. make a stand with this and don't let him talk you into not useing one, cuz a real man will use on every time. Right, but the pill is more effective at preventing pregnancy than a condom.
EYECANDY000 Posted January 24, 2008 Posted January 24, 2008 It sounds like it wasnt what he said, it was how he said it. if he had been a little more sympathetic about the side affects , I dont think you would be having this discussion. But seriously if you two are in the middle of being intimate I doubt anyone will go into deep discussion about b/c . You pretty much save that conversation for the next morning , if it was good! ....... If you dont feel comfortable getting on b/c because of the side affects then dont do it to please him.
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