leeroy1985 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 So ive been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years. After the first 6 month she cheated on me (just a drunken kiss) and we split up for about 2 days then got back together, everything was fine until about the 2 year mark when she became really clingy and bossy, always telling me what to do, never liked me going out with my friends clubbing and drinking and if i did she would cause an argument the next day accusing me of cheating and flirting with other girls! This led to us becoming distant and i felt like i didn't want to be with her anymore. I never did cheat on her when she was accusing me of it but as the relationship worsened and the arguments became more frequent i turned to a female friend for advise (which made my GF angry which led to more arguments) and we ended up sleeping together. I regretted it straight away and told my girlfriend and we split up. About 3 week later we talked and decided to give it another go and i really had to work hard to gain her trust (although i know she will never 100% trust me again) We did seem to get back to some sort of normality and she did begin to trust me again but something happened while i was trying to gain her trust.... I seem to have lost all care for her, i became nasty, i would go out at the last minute and break off our plans together. When we argued i would get so angry that id just want to hit her (i NEVER did or never would) just to shut her up. Anyway to the present time. Everytime i go out now i always want to go looking for girls when im drunk, its like a forget my girlfriend exists. Lately i've been texting a girl i met on a night out, this is whats confusing me..... I don't know if i love my GF anymore, i don't know what i want. Do i want this new girl, do i want my GF? I don't want to throw away a 3 year relationship but then again i don't want it to go on anymore. I keep putting off sex with her (my GF) because it doesn't feel right and i don't think im atractted to her anymore. I think about breaking it off with her but the thought of upsetting her makes me feel sick. What do i do?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 You guys sound like you don't have a very healthy relationship. You say you don't know if you love your gf, you arent attracted to her, and are looking at other girls. Go back and reread what you wrote and pretend someone else wrote it. What would you tell them to do? Honestly I think you should just end it. It's never healthy to keep breaking up and getting back together. Its just prolonging the inevitable. It sounds like you are staying with her more out of pity then of love. Would you want a girl you really cared about to do that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Wow, you are confused. I think when she KISSED the other guy if that is all she did, you probably started to resent her at that time. Now, that you have cheated, you may see being tied down is not what you really want. If you care for her at all, end it ! Why are you all the sudden not attracted to her? Because of the fights or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leeroy1985 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 Why are you all the sudden not attracted to her? Because of the fights or what? I'm not sure, i can't quite put my finger on it. I think the fights play a big part of it but also her lack of independance. She seems to of lost touch with all of her mates and she ends up wanting me to do EVERYTHING with her even shopping which is a girly thing. We've spent most of the relationship with each other at least 5 days a week so i think it could be that we/I have grown bored of the relationship. In the beginning i thought we were forever and i wish it wasn't like this but it seems inevitable that we will finish. It just seems a waste after we've fought through all the problems we've had over the past year. Does it sound like im in the wrong? It sounds like you are staying with her more out of pity then of love. Would you want a girl you really cared about to do that to you? I don't think i feel pity for her but im feeling so many mixed emotions at the moment so maybe i do. Your right i wouldn't want someone to be with me because of pity. I don't know what i want at the moment so i think i should take your advice and finish it. Should i talk to her and tell her how i feel or should i just finish it and let her get on with her life? Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I'm not sure, i can't quite put my finger on it. I think the fights play a big part of it but also her lack of independance. She seems to of lost touch with all of her mates and she ends up wanting me to do EVERYTHING with her even shopping which is a girly thing. We've spent most of the relationship with each other at least 5 days a week so i think it could be that we/I have grown bored of the relationship. In the beginning i thought we were forever and i wish it wasn't like this but it seems inevitable that we will finish. It just seems a waste after we've fought through all the problems we've had over the past year. Does it sound like im in the wrong? I don't think i feel pity for her but im feeling so many mixed emotions at the moment so maybe i do. Your right i wouldn't want someone to be with me because of pity. I don't know what i want at the moment so i think i should take your advice and finish it. Should i talk to her and tell her how i feel or should i just finish it and let her get on with her life? Unless you're prepared to tell her you're always on the lookout for girls when you're drunk, and you've already began disrespecting your R by texting with someone you met at a bar, I think your "talk" is inevitably going to be biased to the perspective that it's something SHE'S doing that's wrong, so it'd be best to just finish it. Sometimes people grow apart. Even more often, when they're young they need time on their own to form into complete people, not just complements of each other. I think that's what's happening to you. You're just at a point in your life when you need to be alone. Maybe it's cause she's not right for you, maybe it's cause you're young and feel you've missed out on something. Who knows. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer where these things are concerned. Whatever path you pick, it's going to change you. So don't worry so much. Go with your gut. (But please, be kind, try not to destroy your gf in the process. From my experience, it's best to do it cleanly). Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I don't know if i love my GF anymore, i don't know what i want. Do i want this new girl, do i want my GF? I don't want to throw away a 3 year relationship but then again i don't want it to go on anymore. I keep putting off sex with her (my GF) because it doesn't feel right and i don't think im atractted to her anymore. I think about breaking it off with her but the thought of upsetting her makes me feel sick. What do i do?? If you stay with her, it would only be coz you're comfortable with her in that way that you don't have to start all over again.. it is 3 years and that is long but with all these questions, I don't think it's a good idea to stay. Everytime i go out now i always want to go looking for girls when im drunk That is really not cool. So if you got a girl then what? You sleep with her? If that happens, you're only hurting your girlfriend even more. Break if it off with your girlfriend and have some time alone. A very long time before you get into another relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leeroy1985 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 maybe it's cause you're young and feel you've missed out on something. (But please, be kind, try not to destroy your gf in the process. From my experience, it's best to do it cleanly). I think that is it, she is my first GF, we started dating when i was 19 and im now 22, and i do feel like i could be missing out on something. What the "something" is, i don't know but time will tell. I've never been in this situation so im not sure how to tell her but i'll try not to 'destroy' her but she is bound to have questions so i don't think it will be easy on either of us. Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I was in a similar situation just about a year ago (closer to your gf's situation than yours though). We were 18 when we started dating, first real relationship for both of us; 21 by the time he decided, for the final time, that he needed to be alone to "find himself". He didn't tell me that. He shrouded his real motivation with excuses, because I think even he didn't know what was going on; but with time behind me, knowing how *I* have changed (and how he must have) I understand it so well. We NEEDED to be apart to change into the people we were meant to become. It isn't about the "something" you may be missing (which, when you break it down, amounts *only* to pointless sex). It's about your freedom... to make mistakes and changes, to have experiences (that show you who you are, how you react to and see the world), without having to worry about who you're hurting. It's possible that my ex and I could have stayed together; changed with each other in a different direction. But, knowing what I do now, about who I was and who I've become in such a short time on my own, I doubt either of us could have been as whole, as complete, had we not broken up. When you're young, you form relationships based on need. You cement yourselves together out of hunger, out of pain... because the world you're coming into is scary, and it's nice to have a companion to face it with. But when you grow up, it's important to figure out whether you can stand alone, like a real human being... and sometimes you can only know that if you're emotionally alone. I think what you feel you're "missing out" on is not the ability to pick up strange girls at bars, but what that represents: a world with limitless possibilities, right and wrong that YOU decide on, on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author leeroy1985 Posted January 23, 2008 Author Share Posted January 23, 2008 I think what you feel you're "missing out" on is not the ability to pick up strange girls at bars, but what that represents: a world with limitless possibilities, right and wrong that YOU decide on, on your own. Your 100% absolutely right, nail on the head! I don't want to go pick up girls in bars, thats not why i feel like this, im not that shallow and i wouldn't give up a relationship so that i could go spread STD's around town! The more i've thought about this situation and the more i have read everyones replies the more i begin to think clearer. I want to go on hoilday with my friends, i want to get drunk, i want to buy stupidly expensive clothes, stop out all night, spend hours playing my computer and not have an argument about every wrong decision i make! Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 Your 100% absolutely right, nail on the head! I don't want to go pick up girls in bars, thats not why i feel like this, im not that shallow and i wouldn't give up a relationship so that i could go spread STD's around town! The more i've thought about this situation and the more i have read everyones replies the more i begin to think clearer. I want to go on hoilday with my friends, i want to get drunk, i want to buy stupidly expensive clothes, stop out all night, spend hours playing my computer and not have an argument about every wrong decision i make! Those are important things IMO. I didn't even realize it, but I wanted to drop out of school, figure out my passions, live on the brink of homelessness, go to bars, get drunk, make new friends, date the wrong people, cut my hair short... without feeling like my actions were constantly scrutinized for their logic and disappointing someone. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 23, 2008 Share Posted January 23, 2008 I agree if you are young, you have plenty of time to settle down. Do not wait until you are in your late thirties and forties to make that type of change. Too late by then..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author leeroy1985 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 Well i ended it with her last night.... and i never felt so damn horrible in my life. I didn't think it was so hard knowing that when she walked out of that door im NEVER going to see her again I just hope i can keep my itching finger from pressing the 'DIAL' button, ive made a decision and ive got to stick by it. Thanks all for your help Link to post Share on other sites
spookie Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Well i ended it with her last night.... and i never felt so damn horrible in my life. I didn't think it was so hard knowing that when she walked out of that door im NEVER going to see her again I just hope i can keep my itching finger from pressing the 'DIAL' button, ive made a decision and ive got to stick by it. Thanks all for your help You don't know that you'll never see her again. Maybe in a couple of years when the pain's wore, you can be friends. Don't push it now though. It'll hurt at first, cause right now, after being so long with someone you are not whole; but after a while, you'll realize this was the right decision. I seriously applaud you for being able to do the right thing fast instead of dragging her along with you for a couple more months like my ex did to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 Well i ended it with her last night.... and i never felt so damn horrible in my life. I didn't think it was so hard knowing that when she walked out of that door im NEVER going to see her again I just hope i can keep my itching finger from pressing the 'DIAL' button, ive made a decision and ive got to stick by it. Thanks all for your help Good for you Leeroy. Please dont let your guilt get the best of you and get back with her. It will only make you miserable in the end. I think you are just feeling bad/guilty and having a hard time letting go of the memories, not actually of her. What you said about feeling bad because you are NEVER going to see her again is your guilt and feelings of loss kicking in. And that's def. not a reason to say something, because you feel too bad to let them go. That's how people really end up getting hurt. Did the breakup go badly? How did she react? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leeroy1985 Posted January 24, 2008 Author Share Posted January 24, 2008 It sort of went ok. She was in disbelief at first, then upset/crying and then she got angry and totally put into perspective why i don't want to be with her anymore! It was horrible though when i saw her out to get her bus home and she walked off crying whilst i was stood at the door watching her leave. It was the worst feeling ever, how i stopped myself from running after her is amazing because i really wanted to. It's been hard today because she always rings me when she goes for lunch but my phone hasn't rung.... I think ive done the right thing though i just hope this feeling that ive made the wrong decision goes away quickly! Link to post Share on other sites
nickilovespookie Posted January 24, 2008 Share Posted January 24, 2008 End it. I wouldn't want to be in a break up, back together, break up relationship. It doesn't sound healthy what you two are doing. You will feel and be a lot better off without each other. You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
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