Niki35 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Recently my husband confessed that he has been watching porn on his computer while I am away or sleeping. I had previously told him that I didn't like him secretly watching porn because when I find out he was I feel jealous, betrayed and upset that I do not do enough to satisfy him so he has to go elsewhere. I told him I would enjoy watching it with him, but neither of us has initiated that as of today. I do obviously get jealous and feel hurt knowing that he does this behind my back. I know a lot of men do, but I just thought that we had a good marriage and sex life he wouldn't need to be doing this behind my back. I asked him if he would stop if I tried different things, we watched together or we had sex more often during the week. He got angry at me and told me I couldn't tell him to stop and that i needed to stop being crazy about it. This whole thing has just made me upset and now I wonder when we are having sex if he is thinking about me or one of his porn stars. Am I being crazy? Or is it normal to feel jealous and what do I do?!
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Niki, there are hundreds of threads on this topic. Until you get some replies, use the search function near the top and type in "porn" and search either whole threads, or reply posts. You will get a whole lot of info very quickly. You are certainly not alone, this topic comes up almost daily. I don't have advice because I haven't experienced the feelings you are having, and none of my husbands/boyfriends were into porn much.
ElvenPriestess Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Niki, the secrecy of porn was a huge factor in ruining my marriage. Don't take it lightly. You aren't crazy, and the secrecy is inexcusable. You have every right to feel the way you do, and him telling you not to act crazy is him dismissing your feelings and blame shifting to make you THINK you are the one with a problem. You are not. He is. It's called sex addiction. And not sex addiction as addicted to just the act of sex, it is directly a porn habit. It's not healthy and can destroy a good relationship. It ruined mine, I hope he doesn't let it ruin yours. Strength be with you, I wish you the best.
Trecherized Posted January 18, 2008 Posted January 18, 2008 Niki, the secrecy of porn was a huge factor in ruining my marriage. Don't take it lightly. You aren't crazy, and the secrecy is inexcusable. You have every right to feel the way you do, and him telling you not to act crazy is him dismissing your feelings and blame shifting to make you THINK you are the one with a problem. You are not. He is. It's called sex addiction. And not sex addiction as addicted to just the act of sex, it is directly a porn habit. It's not healthy and can destroy a good relationship. It ruined mine, I hope he doesn't let it ruin yours. Strength be with you, I wish you the best. personally, i think it depends on the purpose of the act. i honestly started watching to find ideas and such. i was with my ex for almost nine years and i was afraid that it started to get boring for her. it wasn't for me since i felt that it was the biggest connection that we have together. on the other hand, if this is completely about someone else then i agree with sex addiction.
maritallyconfused Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Oh please, a healthy amount of porn is good for a relationship. Unless you are sitting there watching weird or off-beat porn for HOURS a day, its not bad. I dont know your situation but a little porn a day is a good thing. Some of the conservative views on here are a little scary.
Desperate HH Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 This has been beaten to death in so many threads. So I'll just add GET OVER IT !
norajane Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 (edited) Many men use porn to masturbate, it's a tool. Nearly all men masturbate. Masturbation is not a sign that you aren't satisfying him enough, that your sex life sucks, or that he wants another woman. Many men starting using porn to masturbate at a very young age. So when you tell him to stop looking at porn, he hears that you are asking him to stop masturbating. You can understand how he would say NO to being asked to stop masturbating! Have a discussion with him, a real discussion where you LISTEN to what he is saying to you about how and why he looks at porn without judging, without assuming that he secretly isn't satisfied with your sex life, and without getting angry with him. Then express to him WHY you are upset about the porn, how it makes you feel, what worries you about it, and that you aren't upset about him masturbating and don't want to control his masturbation habits. Then ask him what would be a good compromise so both of you can feel comfortable in your marriage. And provide your suggestions. It sounds like he uses it when you are not there (away) or not available (sleeping), and it's not that he prefers masturbation to sex with you. So perhaps you could ask him to wake you up whenever he's feeling horny so he can have sex with you instead, and you won't turn him down or get mad at him or start feeling used. And then don't make a fuss about the porn when you aren't even there. Something like that. A compromise where you both try to understand each other and take each other's feelings into account. There has to be a way to work this out if your marriage is otherwise strong and happy. Don't let this issue ruin your marriage - work it out as adults who respect and want the other to be happy, a team. Edited January 30, 2008 by norajane
Enema Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 His porn use has nothing to do with your sex life. So many women think that if he watches porn it's because he's unsatisfied in the bedroom. This is not true in the majority of cases.
Green Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 personally if you were my wife Id say I'm going to look at porn with out you end of story! Looking at porn with your wife in the room is pointless. I really have no idea why he would just confess this to you. I'm like a nija with my porn, I could jack off to a pornagraphic video in the living room in the midle of the day in a house full of people and pull it off secretly if I wanted (and I have!). But seriously just let the guy watch his porn and stop giving yourself new things to wory about
Nemo Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 if he watches porn it's because he's unsatisfied in the bedroom. Yes, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. But it is kind of common sense, when you think about it.
shadowofman Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Not only that, but secrecy and porn go hand in hand. Since we were 13 years old we have been using porn to masterbate, hiding porn under the mattress. We learn to have silent orgasms. There is no way anyone could convince us that this is wrong. It is built into the American male psyche, and women that attempt to stifle this behavior are viewed as fascists, as your husbands reaction illustrates.
Sierra Sunrise Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Enema hit it on the head. My sister's boyfriend had a large porn collection and would wipe it clean and then stock it back up with porn from many bittorrent sites that he'd use. Almost daily he'd use it. I have to say that it does not mean you're doing anything wrong in the bedroom. Men have a very high sex drive and they are very visual creatures. We tend to be on the other hand very imaginative creatures and we can just conjure up sex scenes in our minds. There is absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation and as long as it's not affecting your sex life then I'd say that you should try to reach a compromise and deal with it. However do not let him belittle you or make you feel small about your feelings, but you shouldn't tell him what he can and can not do, this will only blow up in your face and he'll do it more just to spite you and show you he can do what he wants. Marriage, and relationships are hand in hand and no one should be controlled by the other. I think your heart was in the right place but you went about it the wrong way. Try to relax.
rainfall Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Oh please, a healthy amount of porn is good for a relationship. Unless you are sitting there watching weird or off-beat porn for HOURS a day, its not bad. I dont know your situation but a little porn a day is a good thing. Some of the conservative views on here are a little scary. oh please how is thinking about sleeping with other people good for a relationship. I could only see porn being useful if one partner has denied the other of sex and they are using porn instead of having an affair. Otherwise if they have a healthy sex life the porn is not healthy.
Meaplus3 Posted January 30, 2008 Posted January 30, 2008 Recently my husband confessed that he has been watching porn on his computer while I am away or sleeping. I had previously told him that I didn't like him secretly watching porn because when I find out he was I feel jealous, betrayed and upset that I do not do enough to satisfy him so he has to go elsewhere. I told him I would enjoy watching it with him, but neither of us has initiated that as of today. I do obviously get jealous and feel hurt knowing that he does this behind my back. I know a lot of men do, but I just thought that we had a good marriage and sex life he wouldn't need to be doing this behind my back. I asked him if he would stop if I tried different things, we watched together or we had sex more often during the week. He got angry at me and told me I couldn't tell him to stop and that i needed to stop being crazy about it. This whole thing has just made me upset and now I wonder when we are having sex if he is thinking about me or one of his porn stars. Am I being crazy? Or is it normal to feel jealous and what do I do?! Well...Honestly I think your making to much of it...I don't think there is anything wrong with a husband or BF watching porn...or reading dirty magazine's...it's all fatnasy IMO. AP:)
Desperate HH Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Rainfall, do you actually KNOW any men? Ever had a conversation with one? Looking over your old posts, and you seem to have a real problem with male sexual fantasies and masturbation - in fact you post almost eclusively about porn, strippers and the like. Your BF of 7 years may well be one of the few men who just isn't interested in such things. Good for him. But if so, why are you so obsessed? You write: "It has EVERYTHING to do with me if my bf masturbates to porn. He would only choose to do this if I no longer satisfy him and he no longer finds me attractive enough to keep him turned on 100% of the time. " How the hell do you know how you feel about this? You have never been in an adult relationship where the guy looked at other women's pictures! Did you have a teenage BF who was into dirty magazines and crushed you by saying "Rainfall, I wish you had boobs like this blonde"? You are an extraordinarily insecure young woman, and I feel sorry for your BF. You should get counseling. DHH
Anna Comnena Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I have a very different view of Porn & jealously, so bare with me. You said you're jealous of the porn he's watching behind your back. Come on now.. How in the world can you be jealous of those girls?? I know there's no way you would want to be one of those girls, or even be treated like guys on porn video's treat those girls... Although guys like to think about super dirty sex with ultra dirty sluts, NEVER in the world would they marry one...Yeah, he could be attacted to them.. hell, some guys would turn to soft-fruit for pleasure when in need.. It really isn't saying much.. not much at all.. So, you can't possibly be jealous. Think of it this way... I may be wrong, but I bet he doesn't treat you like the girls are treated on the Porn videos.. I'm sure, he treats you much better when he has sex with you because he loves and honors you... (although he might role play, i doubt he goes all out.) but.. there's a side of him that likes the trashy, dirty, whores.. and he feeds that need via porn rather than take it out on you.. ------- On a personal note, my hubby has so "over-the-top" sex fantasies, and I'm a very open minded kind of girl. But he tells me he'd never treat me like that because he'd feel a great deal of guilt that he'd ever treat the woman he loved that way. I honestly feel honored that he feels secure enough with me to tell me in the first place & I feel treasured he'd never would want to turn me into that out of sheer love.
HokeyReligions Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I won't have porn in the house - or on the computer. My husband knows this and we've discussed it. I think its degrading and disgusting and it doesn't matter to me how 'natural' so many people think it is. Its not for me. It degrades sex. Yes, I've heard the speeches "men don't attach love to sex so get over it" and my answer is "women DO attach love to sex so you men get over it and make a choice" Thankfully, my husband (who viewed porn when he was single) also agrees with me because we have both always had the same moral view of porn. He respects me enough to not to view porn. Talk with your husband. Listen to his views on it and why he enjoys it, and ask him to really listen to your feelings about it too. If you are OK with porn but no one has initiated viewing it together - you initiate it. It might break the tension between the two of you - or it might leave him with a different feeling of porn and he'll never be able to watch it again without thinking of you!
Anna Comnena Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I won't have porn in the house - or on the computer. My husband knows this and we've discussed it. I think its degrading and disgusting and it doesn't matter to me how 'natural' so many people think it is. Its not for me. It degrades sex. Yes, I've heard the speeches "men don't attach love to sex so get over it" and my answer is "women DO attach love to sex so you men get over it and make a choice" Thankfully, my husband (who viewed porn when he was single) also agrees with me because we have both always had the same moral view of porn. He respects me enough to not to view porn. Talk with your husband. Listen to his views on it and why he enjoys it, and ask him to really listen to your feelings about it too. If you are OK with porn but no one has initiated viewing it together - you initiate it. It might break the tension between the two of you - or it might leave him with a different feeling of porn and he'll never be able to watch it again without thinking of you! I read this.. and ask myself.. "does her husband have a collar too?" It's ok if you initiate it.. it's ok.. if you control it. Why does everything have to be on the Wife's terms?? You know what, if the husband was spending time with porn instead of his wife, that's one thing, but if everything else is there.. come on.. Besdies.. DON'T LIE.. You can't tell me that time to time you've been attracted to someone other than your husband.. and even looked... It's totally human.. It's character that keeps one from cheating.
ahah2322 Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 nothing wrong with watching porn. there is no need for secrecy. he should be allowed to watch porn as and when he wants to. in essence, it is alright for him to watch it unless it involves long hours (addiction) or overly-disturbing genres. you should learn to accept and be cool with it. it's one thing to have your own moral judgements about pornography and its another to impose such puritan stand on others. the latter is just NOT FAIR.
shadowofman Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Rainfall says, oh please how is thinking about sleeping with other people good for a relationship. And it may not be good for a monogamous relationship, as far as Rainfall or HokeyReligions is concerned. It is also completely unavoidable in most cases. Just curious Hokey, what is it about porn that degrades sex? Is it the camera? Is it the act of voyeurism? Is it the sex devoid of love? Or are you refering to certain porno's themes that are degrading individuals? Would you be opposed to video taping yourself for your own personal viewing pleasure? Is that porno degrading? Why does everything have to be on the Wife's terms?? I am actually ok with women having a porn policy. I am also ok with their husbands rebeling against the cooersion. Different strokes for different folks, ya know. If a man is willing to put up with such demands, that's all him. I say, let them be property!
rainfall Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 Rainfall, do you actually KNOW any men? Ever had a conversation with one? Looking over your old posts, and you seem to have a real problem with male sexual fantasies and masturbation - in fact you post almost eclusively about porn, strippers and the like. Your BF of 7 years may well be one of the few men who just isn't interested in such things. Good for him. But if so, why are you so obsessed? You write: "It has EVERYTHING to do with me if my bf masturbates to porn. He would only choose to do this if I no longer satisfy him and he no longer finds me attractive enough to keep him turned on 100% of the time. " How the hell do you know how you feel about this? You have never been in an adult relationship where the guy looked at other women's pictures! Did you have a teenage BF who was into dirty magazines and crushed you by saying "Rainfall, I wish you had boobs like this blonde"? You are an extraordinarily insecure young woman, and I feel sorry for your BF. You should get counseling. DHH So you feel sorry for my boyfriend because I'm not ok with him wishing he could be with other women. I really don't need counseling. I am ok with myself and know that I desreve someone who feels there is noone else for them. And I know how I would feel if my bf looked at other women. I would feel mistreated and like he was insulting me in some way. Just because you either like porn or accept that your SO does does not make it ok for some people.
shadowofman Posted January 31, 2008 Posted January 31, 2008 I agree with you rainfall. You have a right to set the conditions on any relationship you enter into. We just view your conditions as extreme and difficult to live up to. That's ok though. My conditions are extreme and diffult for my wife to live up to. Luckly for her, I don't demand them.
Alibi Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 Not for nothin, But usually you compromise. "HE" as you put it should not be able to watch porn whenever he wants. Why should the other person have to make the decision to be ok with that. THAT is not fair. When you commit to someone you commit to then MIND-BODY-and SOUL. How does looking other women or other men make you fully committed. Its just another tool used to be less then faithful. PLEASE.
Alibi Posted February 1, 2008 Posted February 1, 2008 nothing wrong with watching porn. there is no need for secrecy. he should be allowed to watch porn as and when he wants to. in essence, it is alright for him to watch it unless it involves long hours (addiction) or overly-disturbing genres. you should learn to accept and be cool with it. it's one thing to have your own moral judgements about pornography and its another to impose such puritan stand on others. the latter is just NOT FAIR. How is it that HE gets to look at porn whenever he wants. When you commit to someone you commit to them Mind Body and Soul. How does looking and watching and fantasizing about other women in what is suposed to be intimate between you and your spouse commiting the them fully? Its just another tool and excuse used to be one step closer to unfaithful. But then again Im old fashioned. I also think that excessive porn use desensitizes your natural sex life. It is hard enough to maintain a healthy relationship, juggling everything else that comes peoples way, and on top of it keep your own sex life hot and fun. Now tell me again how porn helps with all that..........Oh thats right cause he's able to relieve himself whenever he wants to, putting your sex life on the back burner. (please note the sarcasm)
annieo Posted February 2, 2008 Posted February 2, 2008 How is it that HE gets to look at porn whenever he wants. When you commit to someone you commit to them Mind Body and Soul. How does looking and watching and fantasizing about other women in what is suposed to be intimate between you and your spouse commiting the them fully? Its just another tool and excuse used to be one step closer to unfaithful. But then again Im old fashioned. I also think that excessive porn use desensitizes your natural sex life. It is hard enough to maintain a healthy relationship, juggling everything else that comes peoples way, and on top of it keep your own sex life hot and fun. Now tell me again how porn helps with all that..........Oh thats right cause he's able to relieve himself whenever he wants to, putting your sex life on the back burner. (please note the sarcasm) I agree with you that "excessive use" of porn (whatever excessive means, would imagine that varies) could kill the urge for sex with a person, but what about use that doesn't interfere with a couple's normal rate of sexual activity. Or content? That's the use I'm familiar with in my relationship, because occasionally, my h and look at porn, sometimes solo (me included). Plus, whenever I read posts like yours, I think I would love to be able to read your mind for long enough to find out if you have ever thought about/looked at, in a sexual way, someone other than your partner. Never had a fantasy including people other than your partner? Truthfully?
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