Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I thought this would be an interesting topic to start a thread on. I have read about and have freinds who are in relationships where they just argue/fight/bicker constantly, like multiple times per week or more. My best friend and her husband fight CONSTANTLY. It's hard to believe that they fight so much, then make up, then fight, then make up. It doesn't seem to really phase them, but it worries me that she is unhappy or her marriage is headed down the tubes. I know that some fighting is healthy, but I'm just wondering what everyone's opinion on couples who non-stop fight. Can you still be happy in a relationship like that? Please share experiences/opinions.
4givrnt4gtr Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Funny, when i read this post I immediately remember my sister. She was married for ten years in I swear to you, she and her husband would fight CONSTANTLY like...ridiculous. To the point of cops coming over and all that. They would fight at the very least once a week...typically over the weekends. What made me soooo disgusted is that after all the things they did and said to each other, after a few days they would be all over each other. God it made me sick! Anyhow, its not a good thing to be constantly fighting. Little by little the resentment builds until it comes at time when you cant even look at the other person without anger. At this point my sister and her ex have been divorced for two years. They literally HATE each other. Its never good...believe me.
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I agree with 4giv. My first marriage was like that. Not a week would go by without some major blowout. I can't live like that. I hated it. And it did build resentment. H and I rarely argue. We may snap at each other occasionally but it's rare for us to have a big argument. And when we do it never ends up with name-calling or silent treatment like it did with my ex. I mean those fights got really nasty.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Thanks for the responses. I agree that it generally isn't good. I only had one relationship where we just fought non-stop and it ended after 2 months because I just couldn't take it. I mean I think some arguments or normal, but I just can't understand how the constant bickering/fighting can make you happy in a relationship. My boyfriend and I don't fight all that much aside from having hte same argument over Christmas break repeatedly, but that is very out of the norm for us. If we fought like that on a regular basis I don't think I would be happy at all! It's just odd because my best friend seems happy in her marriage, yet they fight all the time. They had a huge blow out fight 3 days before their wedding, but yet at the rehearsal dinner/wedding they were as happy as ever. She said that the only time they went without fighting was on their honeymoon!!!
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 LB, no offense, but you're in denial. You and your BF argue a LOT. A ton, even... and that's only about what own up to here. All of your threads stem from some sort of argument. Have you ever done a search for your threads? I suggest you do. I've done that on occasion when I've needed a bird's eye view of what I'm doing/thinking. BF and I snap at each other about once every two weeks. It's so quick and short, and usually followed up with someone sticking their tongue out, a giggle, and a kiss. I wouldn't say we've ever actually argued. As for other serious relationships, we honestly argued pretty rarely.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 LB, no offense, but you're in denial. You and your BF argue a LOT. A ton, even... and that's only about what own up to here. All of your threads stem from some sort of argument. Have you ever done a search for your threads? I suggest you do. I've done that on occasion when I've needed a bird's eye view of what I'm doing/thinking. BF and I snap at each other about once every two weeks. It's so quick and short, and usually followed up with someone sticking their tongue out, a giggle, and a kiss. I wouldn't say we've ever actually argued. As for other serious relationships, we honestly argued pretty rarely. This thread was not about me, so I'm not really interested in getting into my personal feelings about it. It was just a topic that came up. And no we don't fight the way I am referring to..like constant arguing. I am not sure how people do it, they must be miserable.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 I was intrigued by the suggestion SG, so I went back through the threads I've posted. The pattern that I saw is mainly about issues that we have had. Yes, I have posted about fights but i went through and counted how many big fights I have posted about over the past 1.5 years and it is around 12. I don't think that constitutes as constant arguing. Most of them are issues, not arguments. Believe me I'd know if I were in a "constant battle" type of relationship. My bf and I actually are pretty good at communicating and working through issues. I think couples who fight alot just don't have a good level of communication going. FYI: Oh, and by the way I think posting about issues is helpful, because you get advice and input so that a fight is likely to happen with your SO. It's actually helpful to do that!
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 (edited) I was intrigued by the suggestion SG, so I went back through the threads I've posted. The pattern that I saw is mainly about issues that we have had. Yes, I have posted about fights but i went through and counted how many big fights I have posted about over the past 1.5 years and it is around 12. I don't think that constitutes as constant arguing. Most of them are issues, not arguments. Believe me I'd know if I were in a "constant battle" type of relationship. Not only your threads, LB, but your posts as well. Even your "Update" thread that isn't argument driven per se where you're trying to tell us all how it's all sunshine and roses refers to yet another argument you had. And yes, IMO, 12 big fights in 18 months is a LOT of fighting. This means that every month and a half there is a "big fight," intermixed with quite a few smaller tiffs (and again, that's only counting the fights you post about - I'm sure there's more). There's so much conflict and tension between you two, it would literally drive me insane. I don't know how you do it. But I sense that you're not okay with the amount in which you two argue either, otherwise this topic wouldn't really be of interest to you. Edited January 17, 2008 by Star Gazer
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Not only your threads, LB, but your posts as well. Even your "Update" thread that isn't argument driven per se where you're trying to tell us all how it's all sunshine and roses refers to yet another argument you had. And yes, IMO, 12 big fights in 18 months is a LOT of fighting. This means that every month and a half there is a "big fight," intermixed with quite a few smaller tiffs (and again, that's only counting the fights you post about - I'm sure there's more). There's so much conflict and tension between you two, it would literally drive me insane. I don't know how you do it. But I sense that you're not okay with the amount in which you two argue, otherwise this topic wouldn't really be of interest to you. I didn't post this for myself, I posted it because of my best friend. This doesn't have a damn thing to do with me until you brought me into it. And we don't have "big fights." Usually we just both get upset, then talk about it and resolve it. It doesn't turn into yelling, shouting, screaming type of things. I think people who view relationships as successful because you have minimal arguments have the wrong idea about relationships.
Touche Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I didn't post this for myself, I posted it because of my best friend. This doesn't have a damn thing to do with me until you brought me into it. And we don't have "big fights." Usually we just both get upset, then talk about it and resolve it. It doesn't turn into yelling, shouting, screaming type of things. I think people who view relationships as successful because you have minimal arguments have the wrong idea about relationships. I have to say I do agree with that to an extent. And I think arguing and fighting, first of all are two different things. In my book it's not how often a couple argues that's important - it's about the quality of the arguments, not the frequency. Ideally though, you'd want to have a relationship where the arguments are infrequent I would think. That means you're resolving issues and making progress together. If the same issues keep cropping up again and again and you're arguing over the same things, that's really, really bad. If you argue without name-calling or silent treatment and actually settle and resolve things, that's very good.
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I didn't post this for myself, I posted it because of my best friend. This doesn't have a damn thing to do with me until you brought me into it. And we don't have "big fights." Usually we just both get upset, then talk about it and resolve it. It doesn't turn into yelling, shouting, screaming type of things. I think people who view relationships as successful because you have minimal arguments have the wrong idea about relationships. Woah, what's with the hostility?? This DOES have to do with YOU because YOU started the topic and YOU are almost always posting solely about FIGHTS. If you know how to communicate effectively, you will "fight" less. That doesn't mean you will never have a difference of opinion, or not like something the other one has done, etc. But it won't evolve into a fight or argument. And when there is a conflict, you'll make progress out of it... not repeat the same conflict over and over and over again. Granted, there are couples who never fight because they sweep everything under the rug - those are not healthy relationships. But there are also couples who rarely, if ever, fight who are actually able to keep the peace due to their communication techniques. That, and they're actually compatible to begin with.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 Woah, what's with the hostility?? This DOES have to do with YOU because YOU started the topic and YOU are almost always posting solely about FIGHTS. If you know how to communicate effectively, you will "fight" less. That doesn't mean you will never have a difference of opinion, or not like something the other one has done, etc. But it won't evolve into a fight or argument. And when there is a conflict, you'll make progress out of it... not repeat the same conflict over and over and over again. Granted, there are couples who never fight because they sweep everything under the rug - those are not healthy relationships. But there are also couples who rarely, if ever, fight who are actually able to keep the peace due to their communication techniques. That, and they're actually compatible to begin with. Sorry for the hostility, my buttons got pushed a little bit. Honestly I wasn't looking to get into my own issues with fighting, because the issue that I was talking about isn't something that I actually deal with. I just don't think that it's realistic to have a conflict NEVER turn into a fight. I suppose there are couples like that though. I am just kind of referring to the pattern of fighting where you fight, then make up, then fight then make up, and it's just constant. That is not how my relationship is. We will usually have 1 fight every couple months, usually because it's just something that hasn't gotten resolved. I think we have tried really hard to resolve things though, and are able to talk about things most of the time before an argument starts.
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 LB - as much as you love your BF, deep down inside, do you really think the two of your are compatible? Life-long compatible?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Posted January 17, 2008 LB - as much as you love your BF, deep down inside, do you really think the two of your are compatible? Life-long compatible? Compatibility meaning same goals in life, same interests, same views on things, same wants and needs, same attitudes, same family goals and wants, then yes. The main issue is the way we resolve differences sometimes. We don't have huge fights all the time, but we do have them so often and it will just leave us both feeling like crap. We had a very good discussion over break we laid everything out on the table and talked through ways of effectively dealing with things. My boyfriend can be extremely argumentative and i can be very emotional so when both of those things are in high gear it's hard for a fight to not occur. We tried to work through ways of working issues out before we get to those points, and I think we did a good job. We had a disagreement tonight on the phone, but it didn't turn into a fight because we both tried hard not to get argumentative/emotional and think rationally about our opinions. And it worked. I just don't want to give up on us because we have the best time together when we are happy and we have all the same dreams and wants.
Racquel Colette Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 LB - as much as you love your BF, deep down inside, do you really think the two of your are compatible? Life-long compatible? Your "boyfriend" hasn't even told you he loves you, though.
Trialbyfire Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey L_B, of the relationships I've been in, the ones that lasted were the ones where we barely fought and if we did, it got resolved quickly. When things are left to fester and there isn't good communication/resolution, you might as well sit back and wait for the big dust-up finale. When relationships deteriorate to bickering, they rarely last unless it's a situation of marriage, with the much older generation, who end up sharing burial plots regardless of their love/hate/can't relate, relationships.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hmmm. I've had a lot of relationships in my 43 years. I don't see a good end to your friend's situation. I assume they are young, and I also assume that they will tire of the constant bickering. Regardless of their ability to be "as happy as ever" at times. The most compatible couples rarely have a difference of opinion that makes one (or the other) feel bad hours afterwards. Sure, communication is the key, but even communication can't change a person's core beliefs.
Star Gazer Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Compatibility meaning same goals in life, same interests, same views on things, same wants and needs, same attitudes, same family goals and wants, then yes. I think you're trying to convince yourself of this. You fight about values (money, gender roles) and attitudes (you're always complaining about his in one way or another) and who knows what else. As far as we can tell, you continue to rehash the same issues over and over and over again. Have you ever really reached a resolution such that you're confident it won't have to be addressed again?
Lee725 Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 In my last LTR it took 6 months for us to have a quarrel at all (honeymoon period?) from there we started about one every 3 months, when he moved in with me it progressed from one every couple of months to one every week. It didn't last obviously. the whole R was 3.5 years. I am no expert in arguments and relationships but in my view if i am having the same arguments over and over again with no resolution to that topic - forget it. If the quarrels become a monthly/fortnightly/weekly thing - forget it. (often a pattern does emerge) If people are arguing/quarreling repetitively over long periods of time about random issues there are bigger issues not being addressed (at least in my view), address it & sort it or leave. I might sound pretty straight out with this one but life is to short for me to waste time arguing with someone.
dropdeadlegs Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 In my last LTR it took 6 months for us to have a quarrel at all (honeymoon period?) from there we started about one every 3 months, when he moved in with me it progressed from one every couple of months to one every week. It didn't last obviously. the whole R was 3.5 years. I am no expert in arguments and relationships but in my view if i am having the same arguments over and over again with no resolution to that topic - forget it. If the quarrels become a monthly/fortnightly/weekly thing - forget it. (often a pattern does emerge) If people are arguing/quarreling repetitively over long periods of time about random issues there are bigger issues not being addressed (at least in my view), address it & sort it or leave. I might sound pretty straight out with this one but life is to short for me to waste time arguing with someone. Well said! I totally agree.
Krytie TV Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey Star, lighten up. Go to your happy place. I don't think her intention in posting was to be attacked about the unhealthiness of her relationship. There will be plenty of time for that next time she posts about an argument.
allina Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Hey Star, lighten up. Go to your happy place. I don't think her intention in posting was to be attacked about the unhealthiness of her relationship. There will be plenty of time for that next time she posts about an argument. Plus SG you hated it when people questioned your relationship w/ your ex and said you were in denial so why do that same thing to LB. Most of the time I feel like LB and her bf's "fights" are just confrontations where important issues are brough up and addressed. As for couples and fighting, I would not remain in a relationship where there were screaming fights/silents. My current SO and I very rarely argue though it happens. We went through a 1-2 month period where we were sort of off which was rough but we worked through it when I finally approached it head on. My most recent ex and I bickered a bit during our 4 month half-assed relationship, it prevented things from ever feeling really close and happy.
Citizen Erased Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 Couples who don't fight are not necessarily in a better relationship than those who fight constantly. Just because it doesn't appear normal to others doesn't mean it doesn't work in the relationship. I would bet people much prefer to have a confrontation rather then have to guess the reasons behind their partner giving them the silent treatment
spookie Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I've only been in one real relationship. During the first year, we did not fight AT ALL. Actually, that isn't true, we had one fight that I can remember. It involved me going off and doing mushrooms with my best friend, and him being pissed that I would put myself in what he perceived as a dangerous situation (which it was not). As he was growing pot at the time, I didn't think he had much room to make moral judgments about drugs, and when pointed this out to him, he agreed and we moved on. In the last two years, we went through cycle after cycle of a month of perfect harmony followed by a small fight (over "nothing") that invariably escalated into either him suggesting a "break", or my demanding whether he wanted to be with me and him replying with "no". We did that... I don't know... a hundred times? One day I told myself enough was enough, and when he broke up with me *again* following a stupid fight, that was it. I made no attempts to get back together, like I'd always done and away from each other we drifted. In retrospect, I can see that for the first year (when we didn't fight at all) he WANTED to be in a relationship; and the second two he spent attempting to get out of my death-grip-like clutches. Personally, I cannot handle R stress and from now on, I will stay only as long as there is minimal turmoil. I'm not saying all R's with a lot of fighting are unhealthy, but the fights have to be of a certain kind (not the kind that make you question whether you want to stay togehter) and IMO you have to be the right kind of person (the kind that likes yelling) to be able to handle it.
Keara Posted January 17, 2008 Posted January 17, 2008 I've been in relationship where we've fought a great deal. And in my experience, its usually because one (or both) people didn't have the tools/knowledge about how it could be different. Not everyone is born knowing how to present a problem to someone in a diplomatic, loving way, that will allow the other person to respond without feeling defensive. I don't know why we expect people to just know this stuff. Like we're all born with it, and they're just being *******s for not doing it. But we all deal with sitautions differently, and usually we learned this from the people in our lives.
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