Post-Coffee-Date Etiquette

[birdmadgirl]

It's me again.

 

Pretend you're really, really shy. If a girl emails you the day after a coffee date and says that she'd like to get together again sometime but leaves the ball in your court, would your shyness prevent you from actually arranging this, even if you like her? Or would the non-arrangement indicate a lack of interest?

 

Deflated and discouraged,

birdmadgirl

 

p.s. More information will be provided as necessary, not that there's a lot to give. I have a meeting in thirty minutes, so this is all I have time for at the moment. Thanks in advance.

[birdmadgirl]

Background on my situation can be found:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138126/ (be sure to read the update posted on 9th December 2007, 12:51 PM)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138468/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138553/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140494/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140764/

 

You know... if you're interested.

[StartingOver07]

I am not encouraged that after coming to your band performance he said this:

 

Before he departed, he told me that he was about to leave to go on vacation until January 1, but that he wanted to get together when he came back.

 

You also wrote:

 

I also didn't expect to hear from him, period, but he's been emailing faithfully late at night.

 

But after your coffee date, he said this:

 

"Well, um... I'm, uh... going to go inside now. So maybe, uh, I'll, like... run into you again, or something...?"

 

Has he replied to the thank-you email you sent him after your coffee date?

[birdmadgirl]

He has replied, StartingOver. Here's his email:

 

"Hi, [birdmadgirl],

 

Thanks for meeting me, too, and I'm sorry I had to leave so quickly. I hope you like the CD.

 

-[shy Guy]"

 

I suppose my confusion lies in the fact that I saw neither interest nor disinterest in a second date; the hint I dropped ("If you ever find yourself with a bit of free time on your hands and are interested in a reprise, I would like that.") was simply not addressed.

 

He did mention during our conversation that besides going to work, teaching a class, and going to the gym, he never leaves the house (as we live in the same building, I can confirm this). This now makes two times he's made an effort to do that for me, so I don't think it'd be unnatural for one to conclude that there may be at least a little interest there. What I'm trying to decide is if I let this rest until he decides to initiate another outing, or if I would run the risk of making HIM think I'm not interested if I don't do it myself.

[StartingOver07]

Ok, I didn't realise he had responded to your text. Still, it seems that he was more willing to move out of his comfort zone (hob-nobbing at the office party but coming back to you, coming to see your band, going for coffee) earlier on, and that now he is backing off a bit.

 

I suppose my confusion lies in the fact that I saw neither interest nor disinterest in a second date; the hint I dropped ("If you ever find yourself with a bit of free time on your hands and are interested in a reprise, I would like that.") was simply not addressed.

 

Agreed. Unless he is clueless as well as shy, I would think he'd address this, especially since he is clearly capable of doing so (think back to his telling you he'd be away but letting you know that he wanted to get together when he gets back).

 

He did mention during our conversation that besides going to work, teaching a class, and going to the gym, he never leaves the house (as we live in the same building, I can confirm this). This now makes two times he's made an effort to do that for me, so I don't think it'd be unnatural for one to conclude that there may be at least a little interest there.

 

This sounds kind of odd to me. Actually, I am confused about this guy and his shyness. On the one hand, he showed up at a function hosted by your office and, by your account, was able to hob-nob successfully. He went up to people he'd never met before and introduced himself, etc. In addition, he teaches, which also involves putting yourself out there. Finally, his initial interactions with you don't seem that unusual -- he gave you his card, hinted that he'd like you contact him, took the first opportunity he had to spend time with you, has maintained ongoing contact via email, etc., etc. So it's clear that he has reasonable social skills. How/when does the extreme shyness manifest itself?

 

What I'm trying to decide is if I let this rest until he decides to initiate another outing, or if I would run the risk of making HIM think I'm not interested if I don't do it myself.

 

Well... it seems to me that you have already done some initiating with the email you sent him. You clearly told him that you are waiting for him to ask again and that, when he does, your answer will be a 'yes.' If he hadn't handled himself early on with reasonable social skills, I might say that he needs more prompting. But he seems to have done ok at the onset, so I'm not clear on why he's less capable of initiating now...

 

Who arranged the coffee date? I must have missed one of your threads....

[birdmadgirl]

Well, to be clear, our first interaction wasn't at an office party. Without disclosing too much information (you never know who might be digging around these parts ), I work for a large healthcare entity. We had a rather important event occur, and we invited the media out to cover it. It was his job to be there just as much as it was mine, so it wasn't really a social situation at all. A colleague asked, "Why is that guy staring at you?" I said, "Who?" She pointed to him and said, "That guy." And that's when it occurred to me who he was. I approached him, he seemed totally flustered (began stammering, the whole nine yards), and that's when he offered the business card along with the, "It's got my contact information on it" bit. He came to see my band play (was the first one there, offered to help us take down our set), and he is the one who asked me out for coffee.

 

I'm with you on not understanding how someone so shy could be in professions (journalism, teaching) that require them to be so in-your-face. He mentioned that one of the more appealing aspects of the reporting gig was that it forced him to deal with his shyness. Also, he teaches ESL. I've also taught ESL (albeit abroad; yet another in a long list of similarities), and it's been my experience that the level of social ineptitude is disproportionately high among that group (no offense to ESL teachers who might be reading).

[StartingOver07]

Well, to be clear, our first interaction wasn't at an office party. Without disclosing too much information (you never know who might be digging around these parts ), I work for a large healthcare entity. We had a rather important event occur, and we invited the media out to cover it. It was his job to be there just as much as it was mine, so it wasn't really a social situation at all. A colleague asked, "Why is that guy staring at you?" I said, "Who?" She pointed to him and said, "That guy." And that's when it occurred to me who he was. I approached him, he seemed totally flustered (began stammering, the whole nine yards), and that's when he offered the business card along with the, "It's got my contact information on it" bit. He came to see my band play (was the first one there, offered to help us take down our set), and he is the one who asked me out for coffee.

 

Sorry - shouldn't have called it a party. I understand that it was a work thing and not a true social situation. I was only commenting that it appears he was able to deal with the social aspects of the situation.

 

I'm with you on not understanding how someone so shy could be in professions (journalism, teaching) that require them to be so in-your-face. He mentioned that one of the more appealing aspects of the reporting gig was that it forced him to deal with his shyness. Also, he teaches ESL. I've also taught ESL (albeit abroad; yet another in a long list of similarities), and it's been my experience that the level of social ineptitude is disproportionately high among that group (no offense to ESL teachers who might be reading).

 

(Good thing I teach something other than ESL! j/k!)

 

Ok, I hear you, I really do. But I am still seeing that he had what it takes to respond to your first invitation and to initiate one of his own (as well as all the communciation that went on during that time), so why is he suddenly unable?

 

I would write back and tell him that you are enjoying the CD (assuming youare) and do some chit-chat and see where it goes. I am not thinking at this point that you need to make another offer to him, as your "thank you" email clearly did that, imo. The ball is in his court.

[birdmadgirl]

But I am still seeing that he had what it takes to respond to your first invitation and to initiate one of his own (as well as all the communciation that went on during that time), so why is he suddenly unable?

 

Excellent question.

 

I once swore that the moment I began parsing someone's words or actions in an attempt to determine what I meant to them, I'd move on. I don't think I should make an exception in this case, even if I've had my eye on the guy for several months now.

 

The ball is in his court.

 

Agreed. Thank you so much for your replies.

[birdmadgirl]

(Good thing I teach something other than ESL! j/k!)

 

Haha! Well, I taught it, too, so I include myself in the socially inept category. I'm in a few highly visible situations professionally and socially, and I function just fine until I'm forced to interact with someone one-on-one. Then, I fidget, stammer, blush, giggle incessantly... really attractive stuff.

[StartingOver07]

Haha! Well, I taught it, too, so I include myself in the socially inept category. I'm in a few highly visible situations professionally and socially, and I function just fine until I'm forced to interact with someone one-on-one. Then, I fidget, stammer, blush, giggle incessantly... really attractive stuff.

 

I teach online, which is perfect!

 

 

p.s. Good luck with this guy.