A very unique situation- Bf broke up with me-I am at the End Of The Road

[GlamourBabe]

Hi Guys and Girls

 

 

I have been a voyeur on this site for a little while now. Therefore I feel compelled to tell you my story. I am hoping that you wont judge me for what I am about to say as I have been through a rough ride in my life and this is the first time I have sought advice in any shape or form.

 

I will cut down the surrounding specifics, but to date I am 21 and as a child I was physically and mentally abused my my parents. I then went into a relationship with a man at the age of 16, and he was 32! Where I was then subjected to further abuse. I suppose I got a lucky escape when he slept with someone else then got her pregnant. At the age of 17 I had an abortion, and at the age of 20 I was then raped whilst being at university. My best and only friend at the time dumped after this as she had met her new boyfriend and I was too much of a burden to deal with.

 

This rape in question, caused me to leave university and move back to my hometown as I felt that I needed this time to reflect upon my life to date. As sad is it sounds now, I even thought that me and this man could get back together but you wouldnt believe it, he didnt want me back! ( I am chuckling at how low my self esteem was)

 

Unfortunately, MONEY was a big issue when I came back. I have completed my first year of a nursing degree and left it on a "i-will -return -soon-basis" but I had no job back in my home town. I was also very depressed and dealing with all the rejection and hurt I had endured in my life. I felt a deep loneliness that I never thought existed and spent days thinking of how to end my life.

 

Fortunately, through my 21 years of survival I have miraculously bought myself back up on all counts. I did in this situation, I was still severely in depression but I got myself a flat and I looked for a job. I am an intelligent girl so I went for 3 interviews and got them all. All paying good money. However, this depression was caving me in, and when you have no family support or no friends to say "Its going to be alright" going to work everyday from 9-5 just seemed impossible. I couldnt do it. And I didnt.

 

I was in a crisis, I had rent to pay, bills to pay, no job, severe depression, alone. What would I do? I had some savings to last me a while, but I knew it wouldnt last forever. I just wanted to earn good money but without having to put 40 hours of work into it. Its not that I am work-shy or lazy here. I would like to stress this. I just didnt feel capable of it. I felt very neglected and didnt feel like I could cope with this task.

 

The fact that I had been accepted by all 3 jobs gave me some new confidence and I started going to the gym and began to feel a little better about myself which is when I met X.

 

I met him on an online website, I met him on the intention I wasnt going to like him very much. At this point everyone I seemed to meet hurt me, then left. X is now 26 years old, and I suppose I fell for him because he reminds me so much of myself. His father passed away a couple of years back like me. He felt like he never belonged as a child. e.t.c e.t.c He also didnt have any qualifications or a job and never really stuck to anything. He had always left but hee had some depression issues too which is probably how we bonded because I understanded him and he understanded me. he made me laugh, and he made me feel warm and wanted. I liked him and I fell in love with him .

 

However, my savings had run out and in the back of my mind I was still feeling that depressed emptiness eating away at the core of me. I decided to try Escorting. ( I know awful) . I didnt tell X at first, I just couldnt. It was shameful, but I knew I would have too soon. He was already starting to ask questions as to how I was able to afford my flat and I had already told him that my mum was paying it for me. I told him this when we first met because I did not think I was going to like him very much and I just thought he was going to come and use me like everyone else had done in the past.

 

When you have never been loved by anyone unconditionally in your life, you constantly seek the approval of others. That your preety, you can do it, your great. e.t.c e.t.c Past guys that I used to date before were on my phone and the phone was constantly beeping with messages from them. I used to put amunition into it because I would reply and it was not good. I understand that now. X already had trust issues and this made it worse for him. He would constantly be checking my text messages and emails when I was asleep. And it made me feel trapped.

 

I eventually told him on my 21st birthday because he noticed in my search history that I had been looking on escort sites. I didnt want to lie to him . I loved him so much, and I thought at the time being honest was best. He was very hurt and he had every right to be. I had seen 2 people at the time of me telling him and I told him about them. He asked me to stop but I just sat there and told him the truth about my situation. By this point he was in love with me too, but felt bad for the situation.

 

I told him this was only temporary as I wanted to go and finish my nursing in Jan ( Which I now am! ) . I told him this in August. After telling him the truth he was so upset and it broke my heart that my messed up life could do this to someone but he agreed to try and accept it for my sake. However, at first he said " If your going to do this, I want something out of it meaning I will live with you rent free!" I accepted this, because I knew asking him to stand by me was a big decision but he soon said that was an awful thing to say.

 

X didnt have a job, he was on benefits and I suppose he identified with being so depressed in life you feel uncapable of working. He had his means of making money. i.e selling pirate cds on ebay but nothing that would amount to anything substantial. Of course, I was rolling in it. Earning maybe 1000-1500 a week. That being only 5-6 hours work in some cases.

 

At this point in me and X's relationship I began to feel the financial burden in our relationship. I would pay for things quite a lot even though sometimes he told me not too because he felt bad about it, but it was like a vicious circle I felt bad that he put up with what I did so I would want to give him things. He didnt have very much money so I would always get nice treats in the fridge for him, and most of the time I would pay for his train fare to come and see me. I would nearly always pay for take aways and I nearly always paid for meals that we would have. (He now says he felt a lot of negative energy when I used to do this ) . However, the point of this was that he would accept all of these things because he knew that I loved him and wanted to make him happy.

 

Things started to go wrong when what I was doing was taking its toll. I began to talk about it more, he bagan to talk about it more. My work phone would constantly be ringing and the demands of keeping my boyfriend happy too just got to much. I began snapping at him, and just began to resent him. I would get angry and get upset and not even know why I was getting upset but I know now. I hated what these men were doing to me. I hated my life and I always felt like I was tense and that my blood was boiling. X didnt drive so I always felt like everything to do with making our relationship work was on me. I just felt like I was getting poorlier when really I should of just got a normal job to start off with.

 

On top of all of this, X was still checking my personal phone, emails and constantly trying to catch me out. I felt like I was sinking under it all and I wanted to run away. I became someone else, I felt like I looked like Me but when I spoke I couldnt control who spoke. It was like some awful force took over me and I couldnt do anything about it.

 

X broke up with me 6 weeks ago. Our relationship had lasted 6 months It hit me like a ton of bricks, because he was meant to move in with me. I just felt like one of his feats he had quit. I realised how much I loved him but at the time I couldnt see where I went wrong. I put all the blame on him but now I know that couldnt be furthest away from the truth!. The day he broke up with me, I wanted to commit suicide. I felt despair from the pit of my stomach, and devastation was an understatement. Everything was black.

 

As a healthcare professional in training its amazing how on the other side, when you visit a GP that you realise how non-understanding they can be! My GP was very unhelpful to my feelings. And the samaritans were useless as well. I remember calling NHS Direct and speaking to one of the nurses and she picked me up from that all time low! And I thank her to this day.

 

X said what I did in the relationship "done him in" and he couldnt take it anymore but it wasnt just that. He didnt feel well himself. He had depression himself and just felt like he wanted to be alone. I didnt like the "x" that was saying this to me. I just felt like all of the rejection I have ever had in my life was facing me and the pain overwhelmed me. It literally felt like a truck had run over me a 1000 times and I was still alive! When I would go out, It felt like I was dying and everyone around me was acting normal.

 

Now, since this break up I have experienced some highs and lows. I quit the escorting as I thought that was the best thing to do. The only thing escorting gave me was 6 weeks of pure hell and lost me someone I love very dearly. Me and X have not managed to go past 1 day of NC. Either he will contact me , or I will contact him. He has not initiated any contact with other women and if I ask he calls me insane for asking such a thing. He says he has no intention for looking for anyone right now. I feel so bad that I thought I would be able to do what I was doing and have him. I feel immense guilt at how I have made him feel and its eating away at me. He says that the relationship break up was all my fault, and when he speaks to me with no respect he will says it my own fault. He then calls me back to apologise and here we go again! I just want him to give me another chance. I feel so sorry for what I did. I feel stupid that I even thouht what I was doing could just brush under the carpet and everything could be ok. I was trying my best and now I feel like I failed. I really miss him.

 

" X" has offered to help me out with money on several occasions and has paid money into my account for me. He has told me he loves me a lot still, and that he misses me. However, I feel like we are going round in circles now. I have initiated the NC thing but have ended up calling him. He does not like the thought of me telling him I dont want to talk as it makes him feel awful and he has cried at the thought of it in the past. He says he wants to keep in contact with me still but I am not sure if I can do it!

 

Me and X have met up on 3 different occasions since then and have been intimate on all occasions. He says that he is not using me but he loves me which is why he wants too. I am worried that he is using me but because I love him I feel like I have got to the stage where I would do anything for him because I want him back and that I have no one in my life who loves me.

 

On many occasions we will spend an hour minumum talking about things. Sometimes Light-hearted other times not so light hearted which he will go into detail about what upsetted him about me and he will get angry with me and I will get upset. He will then call me and apologise and say he didnt mean it, and the cycle goes on. He has been having counselling for the past two months for his issues but he hasnt mentioned what I done to the counsellor even though I suggested he should.

 

I know that him seeing me and sleeping with me is not good, and we bought each other Xmas presents and his card said " To someone very special". I really dont know what to do. He said that he felt very neglected when I did what I did and he has felt very neglected all his life so I just made him feel worse. I dont even need to buy that book by Blase Harris because I already shower him with love and affection. But the more I do this, the more he seems sure of his decision? When he comes to see me he will say " This is not going to give you hope that we are getting back together right now, is it" Is this my problem, should I stop doing it? Should I do NC? I am so scared at the thought of him meeting someone else and him thinking she is preetier and better than me in every sense.

 

When I ask him if we will get back together he says "possibly" "not right now" or I should just "try to get on with things" Yet he still wants to keep in contact with me. I had started an online blog on another site but last weekend he came down saw one of my emails from the site. He went home and logged on and read my entire blog which hurt me a lot! It was my diary and he read about how angry I feel about him taking money from me when he thought what I did degraded me e.t.c. e.t.c He also saw that I had wrote about me thinking of going on a date with someone. He got angry about that and said " looks like your moving on then!". I said " I am not, I want you back. you made the decision" And he never usually knows what to say when I say that. He said he feels confused because he loves me still but then feels bad for what I done. But how will he get over what I did if he doesnt talk to anyone about it??

 

I have asked for forgiveness, and he says " I dont need to be forgiven , and that it wasnt my fault" I have quit what damaged our relationship. I have even started having counselling too. I have even read a load of books and started reading Dr Phill Mcgraw - Self Matters. Creating your life from the Inside Out. I have found new revelations about myself since reading this book and it helps a lot. I have told him I am so sorry and faced up to my mistakes. I never intentionally meant to upset him at all and I just feel really worthless at the moment. I do not do escorting anymore and I am finishing my nursing degree next month so money is tight again and I feel like I am back to square one. I am going to have to move out of my flat and back into student accomodation which I am very happy to do right now but lack of money means I cant really go anywhere.

 

My old best friend is now back on the scene and I have given her a "3rd" chance like I always do ( As its not the first time she has treated me this way) But I am starting to resent her for it. O what a Surprise, she now has a new boyfriend in her life and she doesnt really give the time of day for what is going on with me right now. I think she only likes talking to me when she has nothing to do because im a bit of an entertainer and can make anyone laugh. She doesnt really offer any support to me and she is very cold but I suppose I am constantly trying to fill a void and its not doing me any good. I am finding it hard to break the cycle.

 

The last I heard from X was on sunday, and this was via msn. We had spoke on the phone previously as he was so hung up about me writing in my diary about going on a date. I said "I didnt go, and that I dont want to go on one. I only want you back" Its almost as if he seeks fufillment from me still wanting him even if he doesnt want to be with me. He doesnt like the idea of me being with anyone. He has told me that already. He said he would have to accept it if I wanted to go out with someone but he doesnt like it all? I mean he finished with me what do I do here? I really want him back but all this is confusing me. The present, the texts e.t.c I admit I tell him I love him first before he says it back but he still says it and of course coming to see me because he "misses me and he loves me"

 

On Sunday he said he will talk to me in the week. So far we have only ever gone one day with out talking since breaking up 6 weeks ago? Its now tuesday which means I know he will contact either today or tomorrow. I am at the End of The Road ( hence the title) What do I do? He said that if he didnt talk to me at all it would make him feel awful and that he wouldnt like it. He said after a week he would miss me? I am torn between what I feel is right and how I feel for him. Do you think I should ignore him when he calls or texts? I have considered this because everytime I have said NC I have gone back on it and he knows this which is why he always says " Not this s*** again" if I bring up doing it. Also, if I wait for him to initiate the contact like they say too in one of my "Get your Ex Back" books he will say " Shall I leave you alone then?As I feel like I am bothering you?"I feel like I am becoming a doormat to whatever he wants me to be because I am feling so vulnerable and want someone to love me. All I do now, is sit on forums like this all day. I sleep all day so my clock is a bit messed up now and I wont sleep till 4 am in the morning. I am just living a painful existence. I have my induction day for return to uni on friday and I just feel so empty.

 

Please help me?

 

Glamour Girl

 

xx

[ElvenPriestess]

Wow, that is quite a story. I want to start by saying that you both are looking for something from each other that you need to find within yourselves. He wants to know you still want him. He needs to feel wanted by you to satisfy his own doubts. You want to be loved by him because nobody else loves or has loved you. But as he needs to learn to like himself, and love himself without you wanting him, you need to learn to love yourself first. Then and only then can you love someone the way they should be loved. That goes for him too. You both have had rough lives, and I think that's the starting point. It's almost as if you two are utilizing each other to fill a void that can only be filled by yourselves. I believe that instead of you focusing so much on him wanting and loving you, you need to focus on getting past and over the things that have made you unhappy with yourself. You still feel guilty about the job you used to have. That makes sense, it means you have a sense of right and wrong, and a good conscience. But I tend to think that you are looking to him for forgiveness of that when you need to forgive yourself. You have to stop beating yourself up about it. You learned from it, and now you need to move past it. Not dwell. And he too needs to stop throwing it at you. And checking up on you, looking at your phone and what not is him throwing it in your face, because what does it do? Makes you remember what you've done and makes you feel worse right? many times some one who feels down in life looks to those who will lift there spirits. If I may say, you both feel low in life and while you two may want to have each other to bring you upward, it won't work. To alcoholics will not stop being alcoholics if they are together alone, they will keep drinking. If you are both unhappy with yourselves, and harboring pain of the past and guilt of the recent past, you will bring each other down. You two need to WANT to be together BECAUSE you love each other, NOT NEED to be together to confirm that someone CAN love you. I am sorry for both of you and the horrible things that you've survived through, especially you. But until you are your own person, happy in yourself, and self-loving and chin upright while you are alone, you will never be those things for anyone you are with. My message to you is to build yourselves and not look to the other person to do the building for you. I hope the best for you.

[curiousnycgirl]

My heart was hurting for you as I read your post. While it will be hard for you to hear this - I do not understand why you want to be back with this man!

 

His reaction of wanting something out of it when he learned what you were doing is awful! If what you were doing bothered him, he should have said he would get a job and support you until you found something else to do!!! Frankly his reaction makes him sound like a pimp!

 

I understand that you have been through a tremendous number of terrible experiences. I cannot pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I think you are putting all hopes on feeling better in this man who does not appear to be there for you.

 

You need to find happiness in yourself before you can find happiness with someone else. You also need to realize that you deserve better than a man who is not employed, does not drive, does not buy you a meal, etc.

 

There is no shame in what you did. You did what you needed to do to survive. Do not beat yourself up about it. When you discovered you could not take it you walked away - WOW and good for you!

 

You have enormous strength and fortitude. You just don't see the good in yourself. Please take this time for YOU. Don't obsess about this or any other guy - just take your life one day at a time. Plan things that make you happy - even if it's just a walk in the park, reading a book, whatever.

 

Also I am not familiar enough with NHS - but am hoping that it is possible for you to gain access to some counseling through them. You have been through more than anyone can be expected to overcome on their own. You need some help. This is not a bad thing, it is good. If available to you please take advantage of it.

 

Good luck to you!!!!

[GlamourBabe]

Hi, thank you both for replying to me. It made me cry to actually get some replies. I am sitting here in my pyjamas and un-brushed hair for 2 days and feeling at loss with life.

 

You are both so right I am doing small steps at the moment to get to where I want to be. I have an induction day for my nursing course on thursday and I WILL push myself to go. But I havent been out the house since sunday so I guess I am clinically depressed at the moment. I am going to the doctors tomorrow. I seriously need to talk to someone. I know I need to be happy within myself but its so hard to do that when you have NO-ONE around you that loves you at all. It kills you.

 

I am on day two of No Contact, I know that he will contact me this week at some point, but I am going to ignore it. He just uses what I have done to shut me up when I get upset or question things. Yet he knows what I have gone through in my life and it hurts that he would still treat me this way!. I have apologised and I have asked for forgiveness. All I want is another chance. I sound so pathetic, but I miss him so much and I just feel like the reason for my break up is all my fault. Well thats what he tells me. I really had no other option at the time to earn the money I needed to keep myself going.

 

I get worried everytime I get depressed like this, because when I get ill I have no one to help me and I get even more panicky. I feel like im dying inside and I cut myself off from people even more. I was meant to go to the doctors today but I didnt go because I couldnt face calling the GP, and having to speak to the receptionist. Thats how bad it is for me at the moment, but I will force myself to speak to the surgery tomorrow as I do need to get forms signed off for me to go back to university next month.

 

Do you think the NC is the right thing for me to do now, and to just ignore him? I feel so weak but I miss him so much, he has already bought me an xmas present and its staring me right in the face under the xmas tree. I keep thinking he is not going to contact but its pathetic. He said he would this week, and I know he will! I have just told him before I was going to do NC and it didnt work. He ended up texting me and I ended up calling him. The general consensus on here states that just DOING no contact is the way forward?

 

xx

[ElvenPriestess]

I'm not saying NEVER talk to him, I'm just saying that you guys do that, and you end up, again, worrying about the things you shouldn't be focusing on. You guys need to just step back, agree with each other that right now yourselves must come first. And I think that you both need to refrain from saying and doing anything that might hinder your efforts. If he calls, fine. But explain these things to him. And you don't have to be mean of course just something like 'Look, we both know we're going to miss each other, it's something that doesn't even need to be said. But it's not a good thing for us to pursue THAT type of relationship until we get our own lives on track the way we want them." This way there's no real rejection, just good common sense and logic.