so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Hi Guys, Some of you that know me know how many losers I have hung onto lately. Lately I have had some weird form of hope. I met a guy from a random dating site. He was from a different cultural background but seemed very interested in settling down. From day one he seemed to be very clear on what he wanted. He didnt want to sleep around - unless he knew there was a future in that relationship. He spoke a lot about marraige etc. He seemed to be hooked on me from talking to me and seeing my picture. We met up and he told me he liked me to my face. He had also previously said that if i looked anything like my picture ( and all was well) he would marry me. After we met - he said he meant what he said about marraige and i fitted his bill. He fits my bill also....he he well educated ambitious, tall and is stable financially ( he is generous also- unlike the normal men i meet); He is doing everything right, calling ON TIME....telling me how he feels and talking about establishing a serious relationship. The issue is that I dont think I FANCY HIM! I feel really guilty that i dont fancy someone that is otherwise perfect. Also, he is suffocating me. He is an early riser and expects me to get up early - to answer his calls ...at the crack of dawn. I am not a morning person - so this REALLY gets on my nerves. If i dont pick up the phone he sees that as me being non commital and goes on and on about this. (late night calls - for hours when i have work the next day). I am scared that if i dont marry him i will regret this, but i just cannot imagine sleeping with him? should i be overlooking this? i am a very sexual person, i know what i want sexually and it is a very important thing to me, but am i favouring the wrong thing>?? isnt this what women all over the world do? they marry men that are "suited"/will make good husbands/good fathers.....even if the chemistry isnt there??? can this develop? he wants to move forward with this and get enagaged soon ( a month or so).... i have tried to back off without fully backing out - whilst i think but he takes this badly. i do not know what to do? has anyone been in a relationship with no intial attraction??????
va bene Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 wow. you can't make this stuff up. makes my relationship look like a fairy tale.
Tony T Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 There's not a chance of this working. Too much is happening too fast, he has no consideration for your sleep schedule by calling you early and I seriously question somebody developing such strong feelings very quickly...right now this is only infatuation. If you aren't into this guy, get away from him. However, the more you pull away the more he will come after you. This is how these silly things go. If you really aren't interested in him be emphatic and tell him it cannot be. You also can't be even friends with him because it seems he is interested in you otherwise. Just make a clean break and go find Mr. Right...or Mr. Almost Right (Mr. A. Right).
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 i think he is serious. He knows he is a good catch and seems offended that i cannot see it and im not as keen as him. Thing is - i have been here before, i have met numerous men talking marriage that then back out. So i am on my guard. He wants to meet again and it is quite long distance - yet he is willing to travel to me..... he is the attentive man i dreamed about - am i sabotaging a good thing or just acting on gut instinct because i dont want to bed him|??? should i go for it and hope that the looks thing will fall into place. i am carrying a lot of guilt for not liking him. i even called a dodgy ex ( who treated me very very badly) to hook up with him.................possibly i did this because i wanted to re hook up with someone that i did fancy.... the ex more or less answered me - but told me he was seeing a few women - but would still see me....? (very degrading) he then blanked my 3 messages........... so why did i contact the ex??? the horrible, arrogent rich sh*tty ex - when i had the right man at my beck and call??? why did i make myself feel so low for contacing the ex???? why
Touche Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 The issue is that I dont think I FANCY HIM! Then there's NO issue. Just because someone "looks good on paper" doesn't mean that you're right for each other. And the other guy, the ex is wrong for you too. Have a little dignity. It's so clear that you haven't yet met the right man for you yet. You don't have to choose between attraction and a man who treats you right. Did it ever occur to you to hold out for having and expecting BOTH those things?
EYECANDY000 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 He wants to meet again and it is quite long distance - yet he is willing to travel to me..... Are you implying that you have only met him once, and you are considering marrying him?
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 yes - not quite yet... i think its good to have a serious goal...i am not looking for a boyfriend....i am looking for a life partner...... this man is that - but it has made me scared..does this make me a commitment phobic or just sensible?
Touche Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 yes - not quite yet... i think its good to have a serious goal...i am not looking for a boyfriend....i am looking for a life partner...... this man is that - but it has made me scared..does this make me a commitment phobic or just sensible? It makes you sensible. Your instincts are screaming out to you that this isn't meant to be. Please listen to those instincts or you're going to regret it.
4givrnt4gtr Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Uhhh yeah, i dont know about this one. Sounds to me like you definitely need to listen to your gut. I mean i dont even think is your gut...its your common sense! Why in the world will you agree to marry someone when you've only seen this person ONCE. Or marry a person who gets upset because you wont wake up early to take his calls, or wont stay up late to talk to him? Sounds like he is a very controlling dude. And you know it. And you need to listen to it. Even if your mind gives you the sex excuse. Know its much much more than that. I personally would run the other way if the guy Im seeing all of a sudden wants to marry me as soon as he mets me. Even faster if he starts controlling what and when I do things...imagine whats going to happen when you marry him???
Touche Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 4given is right on the mark..especially this part: Even faster if he starts controlling what and when I do things...imagine whats going to happen when you marry him??? No doubt about it. You need to run from this one. This is a HUGE red flag. A very big sign of bad things to come. I mean it.
Jilly Bean Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Is he maybe looking for a green card? Not to say you are NOT worthy of true love, but this isn't it, and it sounds just SO off.
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Do both of you a favour, if the chemistry isn't there, don't get involved. Otherwise, you'll end up back on LS, a statistic in a sexless marriage thread. Beyond the above comments, I'll just steer clear of the balance of the issues I see.
randuff Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Do both of you a favour, if the chemistry isn't there, don't get involved. Otherwise, you'll end up back on LS, a statistic in a sexless marriage thread. Beyond the above comments, I'll just steer clear of the balance of the issues I see. I agree completely. You have to have that chemistry, that compatability otherwise you would jump in this and regret it later.
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think he seems outwardly perfect to cover up what's really wrong with him. Trust your gut instincts. I'm guessing he has an undersized willy.
Touche Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I think he seems outwardly perfect to cover up what's really wrong with him. Trust your gut instincts. I'm guessing he has an undersized willy. Of course. We all know a big cock is everything, right?
Trialbyfire Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Of course. We all know a big cock is everything, right? Well...yes... Is there a problem with that?
amaysngrace Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 If he doesn't want sex before marriage then what does that tell you? Maybe it's not an undersize issue...maybe he only has one ball.
Touche Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Actually, I think he has one ball and one small cock. Not a good foundation for a marriage.
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 i think he has a large dickk....and he didnt say he wouldnt have sex just that he wants to wait for the right person rather then sleep around like he used to. my point is that he is a very nice man, and he has the means to give me a god lifestyle and he will commit....isnt this good? will no chemistry really overlook all of this? also what about the situation with the ex? why did i do something so self destructing?
Reckless Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 run to them. Cultural differences, infatuation element, controlling-freaky element and the speed thing aside, you are not into him. Don't try and talk yourself into it, it doesn't go that way.
polywog Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 I'm adding my voice to everyone above. Everyone has said everything I'd have to say. But I just want to emphasize the red flags I see: I hate to say it, but it screams "green card". Loudly. Scary. And Controlling.... selfish and scary, you don't need that, not at all. And just want to say that finding a marriage partner is not like buying a car or a washing machine. Just because it looks good on paper and fulfills some useful requirements does apply to relationships, and especially not to a lifetime partnership. So please, cut off contact from this. Please.
Author so gutted Posted December 16, 2007 Author Posted December 16, 2007 i must stress at this point he is a uk citizen, he has no issues with a green card. i have googled him and know where he works etc and where he lives, he is on a few official registers which he wouldnt be on if he didnt have citizenship. i think the green card and size of dickk issues are not the problem. can it be that he SERIOUSLY wants to settle. there is another part - he wants his wife to live with him in different parts of the world ( he travels for long periods for work). i have not been to these places ....
polywog Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 i must stress at this point he is a uk citizen, he has no issues with a green card. i have googled him and know where he works etc and where he lives, he is on a few official registers which he wouldnt be on if he didnt have citizenship. i think the green card and size of dickk issues are not the problem. can it be that he SERIOUSLY wants to settle. there is another part - he wants his wife to live with him in different parts of the world ( he travels for long periods for work). i have not been to these places .... So are you saying that this traveling part is attracting you, or making you less interested? I still see too many things that aren't good. Mainly that he "just wants to settle down" with an attractive woman he doesn't know. Like some things about you conform to his shopping list. That just isn't what a marriage is based on, IMO.
sb129 Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Then there's NO issue. Just because someone "looks good on paper" doesn't mean that you're right for each other. You don't have to choose between attraction and a man who treats you right. Did it ever occur to you to hold out for having and expecting BOTH those things? This is so true. It makes you sensible. Your instincts are screaming out to you that this isn't meant to be. Please listen to those instincts or you're going to regret it. I can't emphasise this enough. As someone who tried to "make it work" with someone who I knew was so wrong for me, its just an uphill battle all the way, and its exhausting. Marriage is MUCH harder to get out of. At least live together before you even consider getting married. Try before you buy so to speak. There is alot to be said for it, and if your BF isn't prepared to do that, then I fear his motives for marrying you may not be just for love. Is he maybe looking for a green card? Not to say you are NOT worthy of true love, but this isn't it, and it sounds just SO off. I agree. I think he has ulterior motives for marrying you. And his controlling nature is a bIG red flag IMO. my point is that he is a very nice man, and he has the means to give me a god lifestyle and he will commit....isnt this good? will no chemistry really overlook all of this? the simple answer is... NO. And just want to say that finding a marriage partner is not like buying a car or a washing machine. Just because it looks good on paper and fulfills some useful requirements does apply to relationships, and especially not to a lifetime partnership. Well said polywog.
Kasan Posted December 16, 2007 Posted December 16, 2007 Okay, he sounds good on paper--but what habits does/could he have that you don't know about? Doe he use drugs, is he abusive or controlling? Hmmm no sex, does he have any diseases? Since this seems like a business deal does he have any references that he could supply you with? What does his exes have to say? Is he a good guy???
Recommended Posts