birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I've been scouring LS and other message boards to see if I can find anything else that's been written by someone in a similar situation, but nothing's coming up. That's not to say I think it's all that unique; instead, I'm sure people experience this all the time and simply become so frustrated so early on that they just don't pursue these people. I'm talking, of course, about very shy men (or women, whichever). There is something about shy men I find so incredibly endearing. Yes, of course it's slightly annoying to have difficulty gauging someone's interest in me, and no, I'm not looking for a "project." That said, I know I'm not going to be able to get the answers from anyone except the person on whom I've developed this crush, and my doubt as to whether or not he's interested honestly has less to do with my level of confidence and more to do with just not knowing what I'm dealing with. It is for this reason that I'm putting this out there for the introverted LSers to answer (or anybody, really. I'm not picky). Shy guys (and gals), if a girl (or guy) gave you her (or his) number, would you be too afraid to use it in the beginning? If you tell this person, "I'll be tied up with work for the next couple of days, but I'll be in touch after that," is that the same thing as when anyone else says, "I'll be in touch" (which is to say that they won't)? Or does this statement followed by a barrage of late-night emails mean that you'd actually like to talk to this person but can't for whatever reason, including your own fear of rejection? Is anything short of, "Hey, you big lug! I like you! Let's go out!" not enough for you to feel safe approaching that person with an offer of a date? Reading everything I've just written makes me afraid that what I was interpreting as interest earlier might have just been friendliness (which is fine, although disappointing). I'm going to wait this out a bit longer, but I figured I'd come here for input, since you guys (and gals!) are so great at giving it. So thanks!
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Hey.... Not sure I understand. Who gave who their number...and who is e-mailing who?
Dynamo Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 As a former (and arguably still, in some ways) shy guy, I can say I would be thrilled if a woman took initiative to meet me. That being said, if I was really shy, I may be nervous in calling her. Shy people have thoughts going through their heads with stuff like this - "what if I sound creepy?" "What if she's just pulling my chain?" "what if, what if, what if"... Shy guys can best be eased into feeling comfortable around you if you start with something slow, preferably non-confrontational method of conversing. A good example would be email, texting, or instant messaging. This gives him time to sort of "come out of his shell" while he gets to know you and accept that you do, infact, like him and aren't pulling some mean game. I managed to fight off my shyness and become a pretty extroverted person, but it took years and years of daily work on my part - I still have a ways to go, but looking back I'm really proud of myself. Doesn't really have anything to do with this topic, just wanted to throw it in there.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Oops! Sorry, D-lish... Here's a link to the thread in which I first talked about this individual: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138126/ I gave him my number in an email after the show he attended. He said he'd call me after his work schedule calmed down a bit. He hasn't called (which works out, as my own work schedule has been on the hectic side), but I did not expect him to. I also didn't expect to hear from him, period, but he's been emailing faithfully late at night. So I'm just trying to feel things out to see if I could just ask the guy out, already. heheh... Does that clarify it at all? Sorry to be so vague.
popey Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Can't know for sure, but i definitely think that there is something to what you're saying. I have had friends who were good guys, and interested in women but too shy to act on it until they had some drinks in them. Also, I'd keep in mind that a player, always knows what to say. A shy guy, who's just himself, might not know the right thing to say, if he's actually just busy.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Shy guys can best be eased into feeling comfortable around you if you start with something slow, preferably non-confrontational method of conversing. A good example would be email, texting, or instant messaging. This gives him time to sort of "come out of his shell" while he gets to know you and accept that you do, infact, like him and aren't pulling some mean game. This is precisely why I haven't pushed for anything more at this point. I'm letting him open up to me in his own time, and it's really fun to watch. I've been running into the guy periodically over the past year and a half because we live in the same building, yet this is the very first time we've spoken at length. There's a great deal we have in common, and I'm certain that there's the foundation for something incredible here. As I mentioned in my earlier post, seeing how eager he was to attend my show and to hop onstage and offer to help me carry my keyboard and synthesizer outside was really, really encouraging. I just don't want to fool myself if he was just being a nice guy. Then again, I don't think painfully shy guys would go out of their way to just be a nice guy. Does that make sense? My sleep-deprived brain isn't helping me to be very eloquent tonight.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Got it! The fact that he is e-mailing faithfully is def a good sign. I think it's hard for anyone to pick up the phone and make that call. I am not all that shy and have had someone give me their number that I was interested in but didn't bother calling because I was too nervous. Everyone is afraid of rejection.... I imagine it is magnified when you are shy. Yes, it sounds as if he is taking the e-mail route to get to know you better. He's probably hiding behind that a little until he gets comfortable. Sometimes it's easier to type than talk... If he wasn't interested I don't think he would initiate e-mailing.
underpants Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 There really is no set formula with people. I used to (and still am on alot of levels) incredibly shy and socially afraid. Part of that is due to my nature and alot due to some extreme validation in the not so good direction. It can be quite the task to make yourself fight though a panic attack to just speak to someone and not appear the utter freak you feel like inside. Or, the easy route is a couple of drinks. The best route is to find true good people you can trust to befriend, that instills some confidence. I used to always err to saying no whenever asked out. It was like a reflex and I would kick myself later. I still think I need work in that area. The email thing is a positive sign. He might just be able to express himself better with thought out words. He might be afraid that his social ineptness might put you off and that might carry over to the phone. An idea that might help (or drive him away?) is during one of his initiated emails. Respond and say something like ...you know, I would love to try out this coffee place, do you know about it, would you go with me? Then if he bites then arrange the whole coffee date by email and see. Good luck.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 The email thing is a positive sign. He might just be able to express himself better with thought out words. He might be afraid that his social ineptness might put you off and that might carry over to the phone. Given his career as a journalist, that makes one heck of a lot of sense. Your idea is a good one, underpants (I LOVE that handle, by the way). Now I just need to work up the courage to ask him out, myself. I do find, oddly enough, that my own courageousness or anxiety tends to mirror that of the person I'm interested in. At any rate, thanks for your replies. It's been incredibly helpful.
D-Lish Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You have nothing to lose by asking him out. Do his e-mails give you the vibe he is receptive to that? Are they long e-mails? Is he going through the process of revealing himself when he writes?
Green Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 You have everything to lose by asking him out. his e-mails should give you the vibe he is receptive, and they obviosly have not.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 You have everything to lose by asking him out. his e-mails should give you the vibe he is receptive, and they obviosly have not. Too right, KMT. Leaving this one alone. He knows where/how to find me if he decides he's interested. Thanks.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 You have nothing to lose by asking him out. Do his e-mails give you the vibe he is receptive to that? Are they long e-mails? Is he going through the process of revealing himself when he writes? His emails didn't give me much of anything, to be honest, hence all the confusion. They were friendly, but exceptionally short. I was surprised he was emailing at all because I knew he'd be very busy (we live in the same building, and I've been pulling long days at work, myself. His car is gone before I leave and it's still not there when I get home 12 - 15 hours later), and I think that's probably where I was reading the interest. Well, that and his behavior at my show this past Saturday. But, as KMT so astutely pointed out above, interaction with no discernible sign of interest should probably be taken at face value. I do still fancy him quite a bit and would jump at the chance to get to know him better. There just doesn't seem to be much sense in sitting around waiting for that to happen, and I don't think it's wise to force my hand at this point. Thanks, D-Lish.
nateman2384 Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Shy guy here, if a girl gave me her number I'd be really nervous to call her. But if she called me I'd be very excited. The thing is he is probably having anxiety just dialing the digits, so do it for him :-)
underpants Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 If you two live in the same building then perhaps you could ask him via an email response to ....help you with something. You know, I really want to get a christmas tree, however, I really need some extra hands to help me get it home. Could you help me out? I would really appreciate it. Shy guys love to help.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Not a bad idea, underpants, but here's the thing: There were a few things about last night's email, which I received about an hour after my post, that rubbed me the wrong way. He wrote a lengthy response to a question I had about a hobby in which he's recently become engaged, and then ended it with, "[my name here], this is going to be a super-busy next few days. I just finished a 15-hour day at work and I might have to just put off corresponding with you until I get back in early January. Thanks for writing." I had just finished working a 16-hour day, myself (the second of three, actually), and was already not in a great mood. Of course, there was no way for him to know that, so I'm not holding it against him."Thanks for writing" as a closer seems awfully brusque for someone who's interested. Therefore, I'm thinking he's not.The almost scolding tone of the entire paragraph implies that I've been keeping him engaged in a conversation he's had no desire to participate in. The truth is that I was content to leave him alone after he told me about his travel schedule for the holidays. What I planned on being my final contact with him for 2007 ended with, "Perhaps we can chat when you return." He initiated a series of emails after that. Not me. Him.I could interpret this the other way and say, "Oh, self... don't fret! He's making sure you understand that he won't be in touch until he returns because he likes you oh-so-very-much." I'm just not sure I should. What I'm doing is taking it at face value and leaving him alone, but being receptive to more emails and phone calls in a few weeks (while certainly not expecting anything). To say I'm confused would be an understatement in this situation.
Author birdmadgirl Posted December 12, 2007 Author Posted December 12, 2007 Shy guy here, if a girl gave me her number I'd be really nervous to call her. But if she called me I'd be very excited. The thing is he is probably having anxiety just dialing the digits, so do it for him :-) He came early to the show I invited him to, he went out of his way to help my bandmates and I take down our set, he told me his travel schedule for the next few weeks, and he's emailed me a half-dozen times over a four-day period. What he has NOT done, Nateman, is give me his phone number. He has mine, and he's said he'd call after he gets back from his trip. I think I've been glossing over the fact that he didn't reciprocate that tiny gesture.
Recommended Posts