Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 That's what BF told me last night when we discussed what "we are to each other." He cried. I cried. He's "scared and confused." Confused because some days he wakes up and thinks only of "us" and "our relationship," and what he can do to help us continue to grow and remain together. Other days he wakes up and only thinks of himself and his career path, for which he feels selfish. He's scared because he doesn't know what's going to happen with his job, and doesn't want us to fall apart. He doesn't want things to change, but cannot make any promises and/or commit to a future with me because he doesn't know what's going to happen. He doesn't know where he'll end up, and (most importantly) simply doesn't know if he'll want a LDR if he moves away (and has said he doesn't think he does). He just doesn't know, and wants us to continue as we are, and take our relationship "one day at a time," until he figures things out. I don't know how I feel about this.
allina Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Spooky, when I logged on I did so with "wonder how things went w/ SG" in mind. He cried? That's.......I don't know, strange to me but it shows that he must care about this relationship a lot. I guess anyone would be confused in the situation, I hope everything works out in a way that makes you happy.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 He cried like a man, meaning his eyes welled up, his voice cracked, his lip quivered, he sniffled a lot, but he would stop just short of tears falling. It was intense. I didn't really like what I was hearing, but I feel calmer at least knowing ... although in knowing I really don't know a thing. The knowledge is that there is nothing that can be known. But I still feel like there's a deadline to our relationship.
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Ugh, Star. My sympathies. My first impression, while reading through a few times, is that he seems to be pitting his career against his relationship with you, instead of seeing them as existing happily together... and that feels unnecessary, to me. But something is making him feel this way. Any thoughts/impressions on your part of why he would be doing that?
dropdeadlegs Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Star Gazer, I care about you a lot. I think you know exactly how you feel about this, and that is uncomfortable. I would not be comfortable with "one day at a time" because it makes me feel uncertain, and I don't like uncertainty! I like to feel there is a future, because I'm not looking for dates, I'm looking for relationships. I get the feeling you are too. I won't say stop dating him, but I will say be wary. Only you can determine when you and he cross the invisible "discomfort" line. I have a hard time not letting my heart get the best of me. I have also had an iffy situation work out well because I gave my ALL. Even if it hadn't worked out, I would have no regrets, though. I wish you would hook up with a man that has everything to offer you, no questions, and worshiped and enjoyed all that you have to offer. You soooo deserve that.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 My first impression, while reading through a few times, is that he seems to be pitting his career against his relationship with you, instead of seeing them as existing happily together... and that feels unnecessary, to me. But something is making him feel this way. Any thoughts/impressions on your part of why he would be doing that? He said the stuff that sounded like he was pitting me against his career at the beginning of our conversation. I don't know how it happened, but our conversation started like this: Him: "You know how the other day you were talking about moving to wear I am...? Me: (Thinking he's about to tell me I'm crazy, I start backpeddling...) "Um, well, I didn't really say that, I mean, I just meant to say that I'm not necessarily stuck here in this area..." Him: (Pauses.) "Star, look...I don't know what's going to happen with me, but me leaving this area seems to be more and more likely, and ... well, I just don't want to have a long-distance relationship. I just can't do it. I need the person I'm with to be with me. I can't have you here, and me there." The conversation evolves, from where I think he's basically ending things with me in advance. I mean, if he's saying he doesn't want a LDR and that him leaving is almost certain...what's the point? An hour into the conversation, we're both crying, and he asks me what I want, what I expected for, what I had hoped. I tell him that I might be crazy and ridiculously romantic and irrational, but that I had thought that we would continue to be together regardless of his career change, and that if/when he moved somewhere, that if/when he was truly happy doing what he was doing whereever he was, that I would most likely follow him. At this point, he backpeddled and took everything back that he had said before, and said he wanted to continue with things the way they were before our conversation, and just take it a day at a time. He asked me to be patient, and stand by him while he goes through this process, and allow our relationship to naturally take whatever path it's going to. I haven't told him that I love him, but I basically laid it on the line that I want to be with him, period. His tune changed as soon as I flatly said I would move to where he was if he was happy there. I wonder if he wants me to follow him - needs me to, even, in order for the relationship to work in this mind - but just doesn't feel comfortable asking me to, or telling me that's what he would need.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 I have also had an iffy situation work out well because I gave my ALL. Even if it hadn't worked out, I would have no regrets, though. I plan on giving this my all too, even if in the end I'm a pile of sobs on the floor.
allina Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Would you really be willing to move for a man after such a short period of dating? I'm not suggesting that you should or shouldn't but that's a HUGE step that carries a lot of issues with it.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Would you really be willing to move for a man after such a short period of dating? I'm not suggesting that you should or shouldn't but that's a HUGE step that carries a lot of issues with it. What I told him was that if things continue to go as they are (which is wonderfully, as we agreed), and he fell in love with his job and where he was living, that I would take steps to consider making that move too. By the time I'd actually be making that decision, we will probably be dating 8 or 10 months. I know that's not a long time, but I know myself well enough to know that yes, by that time I'd move. I'm willing to take that risk.
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 He said the stuff that sounded like he was pitting me against his career at the beginning of our conversation. I don't know how it happened, but our conversation started like this: Him: "You know how the other day you were talking about moving to wear I am...? Me: (Thinking he's about to tell me I'm crazy, I start backpeddling...) "Um, well, I didn't really say that, I mean, I just meant to say that I'm not necessarily stuck here in this area..." Him: (Pauses.) "Star, look...I don't know what's going to happen with me, but me leaving this area seems to be more and more likely, and ... well, I just don't want to have a long-distance relationship. I just can't do it. I need the person I'm with to be with me. I can't have you here, and me there." The conversation evolves, from where I think he's basically ending things with me in advance. I mean, if he's saying he doesn't want a LDR and that him leaving is almost certain...what's the point? An hour into the conversation, we're both crying, and he asks me what I want, what I expected for, what I had hoped. I tell him that I might be crazy and ridiculously romantic and irrational, but that I had thought that we would continue to be together regardless of his career change, and that if/when he moved somewhere, that if/when he was truly happy doing what he was doing whereever he was, that I would most likely follow him. At this point, he backpeddled and took everything back that he had said before, and said he wanted to continue with things the way they were before our conversation, and just take it a day at a time. He asked me to be patient, and stand by him while he goes through this process, and allow our relationship to naturally take whatever path it's going to. I haven't told him that I love him, but I basically laid it on the line that I want to be with him, period. His tune changed as soon as I flatly said I would move to where he was if he was happy there. I wonder if he wants me to follow him - needs me to, even, in order for the relationship to work in this mind - but just doesn't feel comfortable asking me to, or telling me that's what he would need. Star, forgive me as you probably already have threads about this relationship, but I haven't seen them, so... how long have you been together? Since the "L-Word" hasn't been uttered yet, I guess I understand on some level how this conversation happened, and why he's confused with what he wants. Like maybe it hasn't gelled into a sure thing enough for a defiinitive answer? I dunno, just my thought. Maybe this lousy conversation is a chance for you two to have a "bigger" conversation about your R? Define your expectations? Expand on your feelings and hopes, and listen to each other? It's a chance to hone things, possibly. I'm rooting for you, anyway, Star...
allina Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 What I told him was that if things continue to go as they are (which is wonderfully, as we agreed), and he fell in love with his job and where he was living, that I would take steps to consider making that move too. By the time I'd actually be making that decision, we will probably be dating 8 or 10 months. I know that's not a long time, but I know myself well enough to know that yes, by that time I'd move. I'm willing to take that risk. I see, ok this sounds reasonable
polywog Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 What I told him was that if things continue to go as they are (which is wonderfully, as we agreed), and he fell in love with his job and where he was living, that I would take steps to consider making that move too. By the time I'd actually be making that decision, we will probably be dating 8 or 10 months. I know that's not a long time, but I know myself well enough to know that yes, by that time I'd move. I'm willing to take that risk. Oh... my question answered, while I was typing my last post. Wow, I know all about that, that's still pretty early in the R, but I sure understand how you feel.
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I love the partial man cry. He is obviously burdened by indecision at the moment. That can't be an okay place for either of you to be. There might come a time when you have to look after yourself and take a step back from all this. Perhaps it would be great for you to pull away a little bit. That might be the best way to save this relationship- if that is what you would like to do. Right now- he is indecisive- and you are left waiting.... which puts him in complete control. That puts you in a "helpless" sort of state.... which sucks. If he can't make up his mind, that is his issue. You, on the other hand don't have to take on the role of the one waiting. Take back some control- go and do something nice for yourself. Don't be so available. Let him see you going off and being independant of him. Spending more times with your friends.... or just being at home with the ringer on your phone off and your msn down. I have experienced this kind of indecision in a partner, and it made me miserable- so I did those things... Not to play games- just to take back some semblence of control of the situation for me. It didn't take long for him to take notice of my absence. You can't go on living in limbo. Do something nice for yourself, and take some space for yourself. His emotions speak volumes... he cares very deeply for you. By pulling away a little, he'll have no choice but to take notice and realize what he is potentially missing out on. I hope that makes sense.
JamesM Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Am I the first guy to give his opinion here? Hopefully, mine will be somewhat what the BF is thinking. Back when I first dated my wife at about four months, we went on a bus trip with ladies from her hospital. For some reason in a conversation she and I had, we more or less indicated to each other that we could possibly marry based on our feelings at the time. The next thing I know she has told the bus driver that we planned on getting married! Yes, we did get married, but if you ever read my history, we broke up first. Why? Because I felt the pressure for marriage from that point. The breakup happened when I told her I wanted to break an engagement with her. It was never about me loving her...it was about whether I made the decision for me or did she. Her reaction was an ultimatum...marry me or break up. I broke up and when we got back together, she put no pressure on me. She had decided she wanted ME more than marriage. Ok, my point? She moved too quickly and assumed too much. If she had simply let me make up my mind without worrying about marriage, we would have been married sooner. The "one day at a time" is not always bad advice. From what I have read, there is the possibility that your boyfriend has some similar thoughts. He loves you from what you have said. I don't have doubts about that, but what I do hear is that he seems to have questions as to what HIS future will be. Is marriage or a longterm relationship with you...or any woman for that matter.... in it? Much as he would like it to include you, he also has this desire for career changes that include moving from you. Does his love go deep enough, he wonders, for a commitment to you while making a career move, or should he simply drop the career idea and stick with you? Yet he has this desire to move and wonders if you fit into that. To me that is why I see the flip flopping. My thoughts were when I read this is that I read of a man who has decisions to make, and HE needs to make them. He needs to take it one day at a time and see where this will lead. If you feel that this is a man who you want to spend a lifetime with...or at least you feel that possibility, then the best thing to do (from this man's perspective) is to let him make his decisions. And much as this may not be much comfort, if it is mean to be, it will be. But I can say as a man who felt he pressure, you cannot make up his mind for him. Before the breakup, I always had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I thought of marriage even when we were engaged the first time. After I knew that I had made the decision for marriage and not her, I felt completely at peace with the idea of marriage. From what I read, he will want to keep you, but HE needs to reach that decision on his own. Just my initial reaction and opinions. Personally, I do NOT read that he is planning on leaving you. He is simply confused...as he told you.
johan Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I agree with D, except for the parts where he notices and learns some kind of lesson. You do need to back off and let your brain be in charge for a while. And that's because it's the right thing for you to do for yourself. Not because it will have any effect on him.
JamesM Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 If he can't make up his mind, that is his issue. You, on the other hand don't have to take on the role of the one waiting. Take back some control- go and do something nice for yourself. Don't be so available. Let him see you going off and being independant of him. Spending more times with your friends.... or just being at home with the ringer on your phone off and your msn down. I have experienced this kind of indecision in a partner, and it made me miserable- so I did those things... Not to play games- just to take back some semblence of control of the situation for me. It didn't take long for him to take notice of my absence. You can't go on living in limbo. Do something nice for yourself, and take some space for yourself. His emotions speak volumes... he cares very deeply for you. By pulling away a little, he'll have no choice but to take notice and realize what he is potentially missing out on. I hope that makes sense. He is simply confused...as he told you. I don't think you need to back off from him and play hard to get. As a man in a similar situation, this will be an opposite type of pressure. You want him to make HIS decision with no pressure from you. You love HIM...you want him to do what is best for him. Yes, you want this to include you, but he needs to see that for himself. You don't want him back, because he is afraid of losing you. You want him back because he LOVES you.
NYCHottie Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Would you really be willing to move for a man after such a short period of dating? I'm not suggesting that you should or shouldn't but that's a HUGE step that carries a lot of issues with it. Exactly. You haven't even told each other you the L word, and you are ready to pack up and go, while he is telling you that he is mostly likely moving on and does not want to have a LDR? Youve only been dating a few months! SLOW DOWN! Sister - I think hes trying to let you down easy and was upset for hurting you. I think he back-peddled when you got emotional and then he felt guilty because he wants to move on and you are making him feel horribly about wanting to move and pursue his career without you. I dont think you should ever assume someone loves you when they dont say it.
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 LOL. You don't agree with everything I said?? haha. I agree 100%- it's about her looking after the things she has control over- and not worrying about those things she cannot control.... but in the meantime.... she has to look after herself and pull back a bit.
shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I know the pain you're going through. I don't want to worry you, but based on what you've written here I don't have the best feelings about the long term potential of your relationship. It sounds to me like he's really holding back emotionally. He's not letting himself fall in love with you; he's keeping himself slightly detached because of the uncertainty about his career. This is his problem, not yours. I don't think he'd be able to commit himself completely to any woman at this point in his life. The fact that he's so reluctant to have a LDR is troubling -- it sounds like a copout. It suggests he's not completely committed to you yet. I think if he was really attached, he'd be willing to embark on a long distance thing despite the difficulties of doing son. That said I think if you were to enter a LDR with him, he would continue to hold back emotionally because a LDR wouldn't feel comfortable or "certain" to him. The way he's acting now reminds me a bit of how my bf was at about 2 months. He was guarded back then and wanted to take things really carefully, one day at a time. But once he let himself fall, the difference was dramatic. He's like an entirely different person now. I think guys are a bit different than women in that they make a conscious decision to let themselves fall in love with somebody. Your bf may not be at a point in his life where he's ready to do that. I would only accept his "one day at a time" proposal for a finite period. At a certain point you need a firm commitment from him. It's not fair for him to keep you hanging in limbo indefinitely. At the same time you shouldn't give him an ultimatum immediately, because then you risk making him resent you. Like somebody else said he needs to make the decision for himself. Don't pressure him at all. Continue to act sweet and consistent. But at a certain point enough is enough, and he needs to make a choice. Decide you're only going to put up with it for so long before you leave the relationship. Also, I agree that you should detach yourself somewhat. Protect your heart, and prepare yourself for the possibility of being without him.
johan Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 LOL. You don't agree with everything I said?? haha. I agree 100%- it's about her looking after the things she has control over- and not worrying about those things she cannot control.... but in the meantime.... she has to look after herself and pull back a bit. I agree 100%.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Last week I said I needed to build a wall up to protect myself from getting hurt. Y'all vehemently disagreed. Now you're saying to pull back and protect myself. You're just as confusing as he is.
johan Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I didn't disagree with you. It's all those romantics out there who did.
shadowplay Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Last week I said I needed to build a wall up to protect myself from getting hurt. Y'all vehemently disagreed. Now you're saying to pull back and protect myself. You're just as confusing as he is. We had less information then than we do now.
allina Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 Last week I said I needed to build a wall up to protect myself from getting hurt. Y'all vehemently disagreed. Now you're saying to pull back and protect myself. You're just as confusing as he is. I don't think it's possible for you to force yourself to build a wall and I don't think you should. Really all you can do is understand that you're taking a risk here because he's worth it and that you might end up hurt. Just remember the possibilities and that no matter what happens you will be okay, even if this leaves you crushed for a while. The one and only thing I take issue with here is that you're being a little too giving and understanding. I know you care about him and don't want to push him away but this is about you too, not just him.
D-Lish Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 ahhh, I'm new to your post. Sometimes when you have too many opinions things get overly complicated? The bottom line is that you are hurting right now- and no one but you can truly get to the bottom of what all this means and how to handle it. No one knows your situation better than you do. People can give you advice on how to handle it- or tell you what they think your bf is thinking.... but none of us are in your shoes. Knowing what you know- how do you think it is best to proceed? You know him best.
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