No more spark? What can I do?

[sevendaysoflonely]

What I'm about to say has probably been said before somewhere on this site but it's personal to me and every situation is different, I just want some response/advice!

 

My bf broke up with me 2.5 weeks ago, we've been together for 5 months. ( Might not sound like a lot compared to those who've been going out for years, but of course to me it's still special regardless.)

 

It was totally out of the blue for me, and I thought everything was going okay. We hardly argued. There was no cheating, no lies, nothing. It's just that maybe 2-3 weeks before we broke up he's been real stressed at work and every time I'd want to hang out he wouldn't really feel up for it, or we'd talk and he'd get pissed off because apparently I was pushing his limits. Whatever it was, I was hoping it would pass and we even went out of town for a weekend together. Everything was great (or so it seemed to me), we came back and spent a day together. A few days later he ended it, saying there was no more spark to it. He had hoped it was because he was stressed at work, hoping the trip would help.

 

I was really upset and cried when he broke it off. The next day I texted him with some angry msgs saying how much he hurt me, etc. He didn't respond. I texted him a week later apologizing, he said no hard feelings.

 

It's been 10 days since then, he's never initiated any contact. I've been trying really hard not to call/text/anything. And I haven't so far.

 

So my question really is...

- He couldn't articulate why the spark was gone. I've been trying so hard to find out why. Was it because I was too clingy? Too into him? Too confrontational? He claims I did nothing wrong and he liked me but it just wasn't enough. Is it okay to call, break NC, see if I could ever figure out why so he knows I want to try to make it work?

 

- We don't have mutual friends, we would never see each other otherwise if we didn't set a time and place. So how would I ever still stay in his life for a second chance without pushing him away??

 

I've been trying to talk to other guys but nobody compares, and can "click" with me the way I did with him. I feel like if I didn't try, he'd be lost forever. At the same time I realize he was the one who initiated the break-up and I can't force him to come running back....

 

Any advice on what I can do? Besides the usual, "Move on, forget him, work out, find a hobby, etc..."

[sevendaysoflonely]

PS He seemed pretty decisive at the time. I have a feeling he won't come running back. If I contact him any more, would it be giving him the upper hand? I've already texted him once, a week after the break-up.

 

Also, it's my birthday next week. He'll probably forget it. Is it okay to call him?

 

It's also HIS birthday in Jan, would I be doing too much to send him a card with a small gift?

 

I don't know what to do anymore...

[Jasmine8719]

I know your probably feeling really hurt..but sadly in order for second chances to happen he would want it to happen...and If he hasn't contacted you ..there's nothing else you can do...yes it is to much to send him something for his birthday...you need to let him come to you..you have done all you can..Theres plenty of other guys out there..just because your not clicking with one now...you will when you least expect it.Im sorry your hearing exactly what you don't want to hear but it's the truth...be realistic..what do you think he'll think of you if you constantly calling him or writing him love letters...what is he really going to think of you if you started showing up at his house or work??? so what more could you do; with out seeming like a stalker? so if comes back to you then talk to him...sorry..I hope you do something to take your mind off of him on your birthday.

Good Luck!

-Jasmine

[sevendaysoflonely]

Thanks Jasmine I really appreciate your response! What you said definitely makes sense and is very logical. Do you think it's possible to call him in a month or so just so he knows I want to try and am thinking of him? Then again if he broke it off then he should know I still want to be together... I definitely don't want to seem like a stalker and turn into some nightmare ex. Do you think it's possible to call him up and see if he still wants to work it out? I feel like if I didn't then all is lost and he'll have moved on soon...

[ninjaturtles]

If you dont mind my asking, how old are you? Just wondering, because boys a certain age tend to behave in certain ways.

 

I would honestly advice you not to call him and ask to work things out. Iv been through exactly what you're going through.

 

Promise me one thing, please dont call him. He broke up with you and he knows how hurt you are. The only effect you will get if you call him to ask him to work things out, is a negative one.

 

Its obvious, but you are obviously still hurt. I was this way when we first split. I was extremely confused as well. It wasnt a nice time I tell you.

 

I know how hard it must be for you, sometimes short relationships are very hard to get over. You feel like its just the beginning. You're wondering what went wrong. You dont want to accept its over, you feel there is more to come. The reality of life is harsh, all you should do now is-

 

- Talk to friends, stay around friends and family

- Read LS...A lot of inspirational stories. You read of people splitting after 5years, 10 years...It makes you realise that it could have been worse..by far.

- Get occupied, classes, work, gym..something.

-Do everything you can to prevent yourself from contacting him

 

Dont forget, he broke up with you and has not bothered to contact you. That says a lot. His actions speak loud enough. I know its hard, I can imagine how much you want to work things out. I tired everything i could myself..The plain truth is that...'he just did not want to'.

 

Trust me, if he wants to work things out,he will. Somehow he will get in touch....I know of people reconciling after a breakup, however this only happened when they BOTH wanted to be together.

 

Good job on not contacting him. With some more NC, you will start to see things more clearly. I went through a flood of emotions, anger, depression, regret, loneliness, denial....But ANGER is the most productive when you have been dumped. Anger that is used in a positive way of course. Anger that prevents you from contacting him. Anger that makes you think about the fact that he treated you this way, Anger that makes you put your pride first. Anger that makes you wonder how you ever considered 'asking him back after he dumped you'.

 

I have been on the road you are on right now. From the bottom of my heart, the only way to get you life back, your happiness back, is to walk away. It hurts, it will depress you but there is nothing else you can do when someone decides he does not want to be with you.

 

Go NC...completely. If you are on myspace/facebook/hi5 whatever....delete him. Delete his cell number. You need to make a clean break and stop habouring ways to get him back.

 

Think about it this way, if you wait for a month then contact him, he may turn you down again. That means you will be back in square one. However, if you decide to move on, starting from today, a month from now you will be better.

 

Put in all your energy towards getting over him....please.

Dont forget that he broke up with you. If he wants to get back, he will do so.

Stay strong.xxxx

[Jasmine8719]

"Think about it this way, if you wait for a month then contact him, he may turn you down again. That means you will be back in square one. However, if you decide to move on, starting from today, a month from now you will be better."

 

This is so true...if he does turn you down after you called him you will be back at square one...If he wants to be with you again he will...Don't try anything else just wait and see. Just try (easier said than done) to get him off your mind,I know it's fresh and it hurts..trust me I know..I've been with my boyfriend for a 1 year and a half..after only 4 months he broke up with me randomly and the next day.. he wrote me and said how sorry he was for hurting me and that he was confused, he thought that he couldn't give me everything I need..a day later we got back together been happily in love ever since...point is he realized on his own that he wanted to be with me I said one sentence to him in those 24 hrs. "All you have to do is just love me." and he called me over to his house and we were back together again. So you never know what might happen but just move forward I'm glad you haven't made contact with him; keep that going..Hey it's Friday go out with your friends and have fun.. you might meet someone new

Good Luck

-Jasmine

[sevendaysoflonely]

First of all, thanks for the long response! I really do appreciate it and it's really awesome to have people know what I'm going through. I talk to a friend about it a lot but I don't wanna bug her too much about it and also she's never gone a similar thing so it's hard for her to understand.

 

To answer your question, I'm 20 and he's 25. I will promise you, I won't call him. It's my bday next week, I'll definitely try hard not to text him or call him even if I get a little tipsy Yeah for me it definitely felt like we had so much more than just the 5 months, I felt like it was just the beginning, I just feel it was out of the blue and I wish I could've done something more to prevent it from happening.

 

I know I can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. And I know I can't make him love me or want to be with me. I don't see him at school or anywhere and he doesn't have facebook so that makes it easier. I WILL MOVE ON. It's true I can't do anything more. Ultimately, it's his decision. I just wish there was any other way to improve the chances of him thinking of me more, or realize what he's lost...but I suppose he has to come to that conclusion himself.

 

If you dont mind my asking, how old are you? Just wondering, because boys a certain age tend to behave in certain ways.

 

I would honestly advice you not to call him and ask to work things out. Iv been through exactly what you're going through.

 

Promise me one thing, please dont call him. He broke up with you and he knows how hurt you are. The only effect you will get if you call him to ask him to work things out, is a negative one.

 

Its obvious, but you are obviously still hurt. I was this way when we first split. I was extremely confused as well. It wasnt a nice time I tell you.

 

I know how hard it must be for you, sometimes short relationships are very hard to get over. You feel like its just the beginning. You're wondering what went wrong. You dont want to accept its over, you feel there is more to come. The reality of life is harsh, all you should do now is-

 

- Talk to friends, stay around friends and family

- Read LS...A lot of inspirational stories. You read of people splitting after 5years, 10 years...It makes you realise that it could have been worse..by far.

- Get occupied, classes, work, gym..something.

-Do everything you can to prevent yourself from contacting him

 

Dont forget, he broke up with you and has not bothered to contact you. That says a lot. His actions speak loud enough. I know its hard, I can imagine how much you want to work things out. I tired everything i could myself..The plain truth is that...'he just did not want to'.

 

Trust me, if he wants to work things out,he will. Somehow he will get in touch....I know of people reconciling after a breakup, however this only happened when they BOTH wanted to be together.

 

Good job on not contacting him. With some more NC, you will start to see things more clearly. I went through a flood of emotions, anger, depression, regret, loneliness, denial....But ANGER is the most productive when you have been dumped. Anger that is used in a positive way of course. Anger that prevents you from contacting him. Anger that makes you think about the fact that he treated you this way, Anger that makes you put your pride first. Anger that makes you wonder how you ever considered 'asking him back after he dumped you'.

 

I have been on the road you are on right now. From the bottom of my heart, the only way to get you life back, your happiness back, is to walk away. It hurts, it will depress you but there is nothing else you can do when someone decides he does not want to be with you.

 

Go NC...completely. If you are on myspace/facebook/hi5 whatever....delete him. Delete his cell number. You need to make a clean break and stop habouring ways to get him back.

 

Think about it this way, if you wait for a month then contact him, he may turn you down again. That means you will be back in square one. However, if you decide to move on, starting from today, a month from now you will be better.

 

Put in all your energy towards getting over him....please.

Dont forget that he broke up with you. If he wants to get back, he will do so.

Stay strong.xxxx

[sevendaysoflonely]

I just see talking to him in a month as one last ditch effort. Is that an unhealthy way of thinking about it? I feel like for people who DO get back together, it's usually the dumper realizes his/her mistake pretty soon (eg. <2-3 weeks). In my case he hasn't made an initiative to contact me AT ALL. It just hurts so bad for him to move on so easily, it seems like our time together wasn't special at all and he doesn't feel the need to talk to me ever again. And this is after spending months together, talking everyday, sharing everything...(well at least I shared all MY thoughts with him lol)

 

"Think about it this way, if you wait for a month then contact him, he may turn you down again. That means you will be back in square one. However, if you decide to move on, starting from today, a month from now you will be better."

 

This is so true...if he does turn you down after you called him you will be back at square one...If he wants to be with you again he will...Don't try anything else just wait and see. Just try (easier said than done) to get him off your mind,I know it's fresh and it hurts..trust me I know..I've been with my boyfriend for a 1 year and a half..after only 4 months he broke up with me randomly and the next day.. he wrote me and said how sorry he was for hurting me and that he was confused, he thought that he couldn't give me everything I need..a day later we got back together been happily in love ever since...point is he realized on his own that he wanted to be with me I said one sentence to him in those 24 hrs. "All you have to do is just love me." and he called me over to his house and we were back together again. So you never know what might happen but just move forward I'm glad you haven't made contact with him; keep that going..Hey it's Friday go out with your friends and have fun.. you might meet someone new

Good Luck

-Jasmine

[ninjaturtles]

Jasmine's post/story sums it all up. Its good to know that some people do reconcile after breaking up. Its only when both parties are willing to though. sigh...

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Let me say one thing though, 2-3 weeks is nothing. I have had two exes of mine come back to me. They came back after months. I dont know why they changed thier minds, but I did not take the back. Although when we split, I never believed they would come back..plus I never believed that I would refuse them if they DID come back. Its funny what time does...

 

I know how you feel, Some people undermine short relationships but its so painful when a relationship you thought would blossom into something great abruptly ends! Its shocking and confusing. My ex and I were so close. We even used to talk about the mistakes our parents made. For example his dad has had several extra-marital affairs etc. we had intimate discussions. We even had discussions about other men/guys who had broken up with thier girlfriends in horrible ways. I even confided in him when my sister was going through problems with her ex. I tell you, I had so much faith in him. He was so sensitive and nice to me. He was also goodlooking, so I felt like I had met someone who would change my perspective of men. Seriously, he touched my heart and soul to that extent! I remember the nights we spent together, I would make him breakfast, we would talk and hold eachother....I dont want to go on because these thoughts actually bring back memories that still hurt.

 

Fastfoward----> breakup period/post-breakup....A completely different person. I have never ever received such a cold shoulder like this in my enitre life! This guy did a 360 on me. He did not call me, he did not text me. My goodness, the fact that he treated me like I was/never was of no significance to him increased the pain. I could not believe it was happening to me. I thought such things only happened to other people. Its not like he ignores me. I sent him a message about 2 weeks after the breakup, he replied via text a few days later but I did not even respond to him. I was gettting angry at the way he had treated me. We exchanged a few texts a few weeks after, but he was the last to text me. By that I mean I ensured I stopped texting before he did. Thats the only contact we've had.

 

I still miss him a lot and sometimes I still stand in awe, wondering how he could treat me like this. He was so very cold during the breakup!He never initaited contact, he just acts like I dont exist! I guess the fact that he is so indifferent hurts. He is not rude to me etc, he just acts like I dont exist!! Someone I was so close to....sigh...

 

Wow, that was long. I just wanted to let you know that I have been through what you're going through. I know someday, he will stop and contact me on his on will. Right now, he is taking a masters course in a new city about 4 hours away from me. He started in sept and will be done in June. I know he is happy without me and it hurts. He is distracted and life is going great for him. However I know or rather hope that someday he realises what he did, and what he lost. As for me, I am moving on steadily. I am worth more than all that crap I went through!

 

Now, I cant tell you whether or not you should go ahead with the 'last attempt'.lol. Sometimes we feel we need to do all we can. We dont want to keep thinking 'what if'. So I would tell you to think about it carefully, think about what you want to say and what you would achive. In a month's time, I am sure that your view may change a bit. For example, if he does not conact you within that month, I am sure you may be dissuaded from asking him to try..Maybe maybe not.

 

If you feel you must do this, to give it one last try, then you can. However bear in mind that if he declines, it would double the pain. Double rejection. Okay?

 

Goodluck love and keep posting. I am a very very very emotional person! If I can get over this, you can as well..trust me.

 

I have deleted him from facebook and sometimes I feel sad. However nothing compared to what I felt before. I am happy and life is going ok. It could be better but I am in a happy place. With a bit more time, I would be able to confidently say I am over him.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean about friends. I love LS. There is nothing anyone cant relate to.

 

Anyway, you WILL be fine. There is so much in life to look foward to. You have 21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30lol....I could go on....At this stage, we must go through tests and trials. You will be fine, you will be a better person and you never know he may come back somehow, someday....in a few months, you never know.

 

By then hopefully you would be fine! Keep your side of the street clean, dont insult him etc....and happy birhday in advance.

 

ps- If he does not contact you on your birthday, I dont think you should bother ever contacting him again. Never ever.

 

Stay strong. xxx

[sevendaysoflonely]

It's true that after months, I might not want to try again. It will just hurt too much. At the same time, just like you, I too will never believe that he will come back. He's one of those very mature and logical guys who you can't really argue with. He would always have a great answer to explain the things he would do, be it something as simple as what he wants in a new job or what happened in his previous relationships.

 

That reminds me, he's also told me before that he's never stayed friends with his exes, so that's another indication that he won't contact me ever again. Not to say there's no chance of it happening, but he doesn't seem like the type that would.

 

I'm so sorry about what happened with you and your ex too. Seems like both our exes like to take the cold turkey no contact approach to it. It seems like it's the best idea, if you look around LC enough...it makes most logical sense and in the long run is probably most beneficial to both parties. It's just that when emotions are involved, of course no one wants the truth, no one wants what's logical, what's right for them...

 

I was talking to a friend and she did make a good point that most people regret NOT doing something rather than having done something. I don't know if that makes sense, but obviously it might not work for every situation and it's just one theory/approach to life. I will think carefully and perhaps in a months time I'll have a different view on things. I honestly don't think he's going to contact me ever again if I don't. He doesn't even remember his best friends' birthdays, I really doubt he'll remember mine. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes too I really feel like I'm going to do something stupid on the day and just text him something stupid just so he remembers it's my birthday... like "I feel like [name] (one of his best friends) and need to remind you of my birthday! Oh well happy birthday to me :P" ..

I really really don't think he'll remember my birthday. And even if he does, I don't think that'll change anything. What's done is done and unless he wants me back, I will just need to move forward without him...

 

Hope everything is well on your end too! We'll find someone new in the future who will cherish us for who we are:) Cheer up and don't lose hope!

 

 

Jasmine's post/story sums it all up. Its good to know that some people do reconcile after breaking up. Its only when both parties are willing to though. sigh...

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Let me say one thing though, 2-3 weeks is nothing. I have had two exes of mine come back to me. They came back after months. I dont know why they changed thier minds, but I did not take the back. Although when we split, I never believed they would come back..plus I never believed that I would refuse them if they DID come back. Its funny what time does...

 

I know how you feel, Some people undermine short relationships but its so painful when a relationship you thought would blossom into something great abruptly ends! Its shocking and confusing. My ex and I were so close. We even used to talk about the mistakes our parents made. For example his dad has had several extra-marital affairs etc. we had intimate discussions. We even had discussions about other men/guys who had broken up with thier girlfriends in horrible ways. I even confided in him when my sister was going through problems with her ex. I tell you, I had so much faith in him. He was so sensitive and nice to me. He was also goodlooking, so I felt like I had met someone who would change my perspective of men. Seriously, he touched my heart and soul to that extent! I remember the nights we spent together, I would make him breakfast, we would talk and hold eachother....I dont want to go on because these thoughts actually bring back memories that still hurt.

 

Fastfoward----> breakup period/post-breakup....A completely different person. I have never ever received such a cold shoulder like this in my enitre life! This guy did a 360 on me. He did not call me, he did not text me. My goodness, the fact that he treated me like I was/never was of no significance to him increased the pain. I could not believe it was happening to me. I thought such things only happened to other people. Its not like he ignores me. I sent him a message about 2 weeks after the breakup, he replied via text a few days later but I did not even respond to him. I was gettting angry at the way he had treated me. We exchanged a few texts a few weeks after, but he was the last to text me. By that I mean I ensured I stopped texting before he did. Thats the only contact we've had.

 

I still miss him a lot and sometimes I still stand in awe, wondering how he could treat me like this. He was so very cold during the breakup!He never initaited contact, he just acts like I dont exist! I guess the fact that he is so indifferent hurts. He is not rude to me etc, he just acts like I dont exist!! Someone I was so close to....sigh...

 

Wow, that was long. I just wanted to let you know that I have been through what you're going through. I know someday, he will stop and contact me on his on will. Right now, he is taking a masters course in a new city about 4 hours away from me. He started in sept and will be done in June. I know he is happy without me and it hurts. He is distracted and life is going great for him. However I know or rather hope that someday he realises what he did, and what he lost. As for me, I am moving on steadily. I am worth more than all that crap I went through!

 

Now, I cant tell you whether or not you should go ahead with the 'last attempt'.lol. Sometimes we feel we need to do all we can. We dont want to keep thinking 'what if'. So I would tell you to think about it carefully, think about what you want to say and what you would achive. In a month's time, I am sure that your view may change a bit. For example, if he does not conact you within that month, I am sure you may be dissuaded from asking him to try..Maybe maybe not.

 

If you feel you must do this, to give it one last try, then you can. However bear in mind that if he declines, it would double the pain. Double rejection. Okay?

 

Goodluck love and keep posting. I am a very very very emotional person! If I can get over this, you can as well..trust me.

 

I have deleted him from facebook and sometimes I feel sad. However nothing compared to what I felt before. I am happy and life is going ok. It could be better but I am in a happy place. With a bit more time, I would be able to confidently say I am over him.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean about friends. I love LS. There is nothing anyone cant relate to.

 

Anyway, you WILL be fine. There is so much in life to look foward to. You have 21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30lol....I could go on....At this stage, we must go through tests and trials. You will be fine, you will be a better person and you never know he may come back somehow, someday....in a few months, you never know.

 

By then hopefully you would be fine! Keep your side of the street clean, dont insult him etc....and happy birhday in advance.

 

ps- If he does not contact you on your birthday, I dont think you should bother ever contacting him again. Never ever.

 

Stay strong. xxx

[sevendaysoflonely]

I'm having these random thoughts right about now...

 

Someone give me advice ...?

 

Well when he broke up with me, yes it was obvious I didn't expect it, I told him, I was upset, I cried...etc so OBVIOUSLY he knows I did not want this to happen. The next day I texted him with some angry messages saying how much he hurt me etc...a week later I apologized via text.

 

----So the question is DID I FIGHT ENOUGH TO GET HIM BACK? I know you can't force someone to want to be with you, but will I regret it if I don't do anything more now?? It's been almost 3 weeks sincethe break-up...

[BrianG]

You told him how you felt and you obviously dont want this, but i dont think any amount of fighting for/ saying anything is going to change his mind. You cant fight or force someone to be with you if they dont want to. I am in the same boat as you, but i dont think there is anything that either one of us can do at this point. NC and if he ever gets a hold of you or changes his mind he will be in contact, if not, it will suck but you have to move on. Hate hearing it myself but we dont have any other choice.