Insecurity is killing my relationship

[shadowplay]

My insecurity is ruining my relationship, and I don't know how to stop myself. I get fixated on the smallest things and can't seem to let anything go. The scariest thing for me is ignoring signs of distance in the other person, which means harboring frequent uncertainty and resisting the urge to ask for reassurance. This is something I find nearly impossible to do. I know I have to act consistently upbeat, and not let myself get on an emotional rollercoaster. But why is this so hard to do? Also, how do I pick myself up and keep trying when I fear things are already permanently damaged, and I'll just end up hurt if I invest more energy into the relationship? Or is this just a giant copout/rationalization? Man, could I be any more neurotic...

 

Any advice?

[shadowplay]

Perhaps my first post was a little vague. Here's more detail on my situation.

 

My bf and I ran into our first conflict this past weekend. It's a long story but basically I ended up in the ER because I did something really irrepsonsible. I accidentally overdosed on my antidepressant medication. I only had some uncapsuled powder left in my bottle without a good way of measuring it. I tried to estimate but later realized I had taken too much because I was feeling light-headed, dizzy and a bit numb in my extremities. He was annoyed at me for being irresponsible and acted pretty cold throughout the ordeal, even though he took me to the hospital and waited for me for 4 hours (something I really appreciated). I apologized profusely, but this didn't seem to help. Later that night I got upset at him for not being able to put his annoyance aside and "be there" for me. This caused some tension between us over the weekend and I could sense him pulling back.

 

Of course my insecurity kicked in to overdrive. I questioned him on more than one occasion about whether he really loved me. I also hinted at the fact that I was having the impulse to end things between us out of fear of getting hurt. Although it was true, I now realize how manipulative it was to share this with him. I was testing him on some level. He told me that that would break his heart and devestate him. Almost immediately after saying these things I realized what a huge mistake I had made by acting needy. Nevertheless, we seemed to have smoothed things over by the end. When I got home we each exchanged sweet, apologetic emails to each other (he sent his first).

 

But tonight I made a huge, HUGE mistake. I don't know what came over me. I really don't. We had a normal IM conversation, but something weird happened at the end. He didn't say "I love you" like he always does. I flipped out.

 

Here's a transcript of part of our chat:

me:

1:07 AM well, anyway, i'm going to sleep now. i'm actually pretty tired.

g'night babe

Miles: goodnight.

1:08 AM

me: no 'i love you'?

1:09 AM Him: I love you.

Him: I love you. I love you. I love you

me: ok whatever

later

Him: hey!

1:11 AM what's that about.

me: it seems like you purposely didn't say i love you and then you were annoyed when i asked...so whatever

1:12 AM Him: don't be defensive, I was trying to overcompensate

1:14 AM It was accidental, I swear.

1:15 AM me: well..i'm not sure what to say. maybe i was overreacting, i hope. it's hard to tell over im. don't worry about it.

1:16 AM i guess i'm just a little touchy because this weekend you seemed kind of distant

Him: it was accidental.

me: ok

i believe you

1:17 AM Him: phew!

1:18 AM well I wasn't intentionally distant, although I don't exactly know how to be "not distant." What, exactly did I say or do which would give you he impression of distance?

1:19 AM me: i don't want to dwell on it or point to things because then it could start an argument...and it's not that important. i don't want to ever fight with you

1:20 AM Him: good. I did feel more tension than usual this last weekend, I'm not sure why. I don't want to argue either.

 

Then we had a long talk at my suggestion about the whole conflict over the weekend and I think it went well considering, but I could tell he was losing patience by the end and just wanted to get to sleep.

 

Now I feel pretty terrible. I can't believe I could have been so destructive. He probably sees me as an insecure mess at this point. Is there anything I can do to damage control, or is it too late? I feel like such an idiot, and I just want to make things better.

 

I'm scared that he will be all distant when I see him again and this will trigger my insecurity and need for reassurance.

[spookie]

Shadow, you have NO IDEA how uncomfortable it made me to read the details of your weekend.

 

I was EXACTLY the same with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him so much and with that love came a desire to have all of him as often as I could, as well as a crippling fear that one day, I would lose him. So I was needy (needy because I always wanted to be as close as possible, always, wheras he liked it most simply when I was near), and I was always testing him. Almost weekly, when I felt my love the strongest and all I wanted was to reach inside of him, the fear would overwhelm me (especially if he was more distant than I liked) and the insecure questioning would begin. It started with musings like yours (year one), progressing, in the second year, to fake breakups (I storm out, because I want to bond emotionally and he wants to play video games with his friends; he follows me) (year 2). By year 3, he was exhausted; I was finally close to realizing I did not need to fight anymore, that he was someone I really trusted; I'd finally fallen in love. Unfortunately at this time he realized he wanted to be alone.

 

So my insecurity did destroy my relationship. And the suckiest part is that, looking back, there was so much love between us that under any other conditions, between any other people, there was no way it wouldn't work out. We were perfect for one another.

 

I'd like to blame it on the timing, but it was my laziness that was the problem. Had I actually been attending to my responsibilities, no way would I have had time to analyze as often as I did (often coming to the wrong conclusions and taking bad plans of action that could easily have been avoided had I not been *as* tuned in as I was) or wanted to fight as often as I did in the R. The R would ahve been my place of solace, rather than my sole occupation, with the pressure of feeding me enough info weekly to keep me emotionally, intellectually, and physically entertained.

 

You sound like me in many ways shadow, and I think what would really work for you and your R is if you give your life some real meaning in another plane. Focus on your career or something. Do something you've always wanted to do. Surely there is something you'd like that you don't have yet?

[spookie]

BTW, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not insecurity, it's boredom.

 

Do your day-to-day tasks, outside obsession, occupy your full attention? Or, not matter where you are and what you're doing, are you always bored?

 

Whenever I got bored, I'd start obsessing (it's fun!). I was always bored.

[cj1988]

I am the same way. The drama of obsessing over the last year has consumned me to the point that I do not know how to be normal anymore and I HATE THAT NOW ! That is why at 41 I am having to find myself all over agian and I hope when I do, I can relax like a normal person again.

 

It is addictive and very unhealthy to live the "emotional rollercosater" life. It gets old really fast and very lonely sometimes !

[lino]

Hi Shadowplay

I've read alot of your posts regarding your relationship and I agree with what spookie wrote in that it could be boredom/something lacking in your life that is causing you this insecurity. From the posts of yours that I've read I'm 99% sure that it's your lack of girlfriends that is missing. What do you think? I've actually asked you before a couple of times in other threads of yours if this could be the case but you didn't reply to me. I've seen you write other times that all your friends are guys & I think without friends also of the same gender a person will always have something missing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself all that well but IMO if you had a group of girlfriends not only would you have other girls to talk about things like this with but you'd also have other things than university and your guy occupying your time which I think is healthier. What do you think of this?

 

I also hinted at the fact that I was having the impulse to end things between us out of fear of getting hurt.

 

Make sure you don't do the above again. You're lucky he reacted not so badly to it, many other guys would have really gotten the sh*ts at you for something like that if they were him, me included!

[spookie]

Ooh, lino may be onto something with the girlfriends thing.

 

I didn't used to have any girlfriends either. I didn't view it as a big deal and felt I connected better with guys. I felt girls weren't as fun and that with them, there was always the need for small-talk. Their presence didn't put me at ease.

 

But since I had no girlfriends, and my boyfriend was my favorite boy, outside him I had few relationships that I actually valued. I mean, I love parents and my family and all, but that's not the same; and my guy friends I valued for the same things I liked about my boyfriend, things I felt he did best. So basically, I had him and a bunch of guys to spend time with when he was unavailable, that didn't measure up.

 

Now that he is gone, I've been forced to form other important relationships, including with women, and I've gotta say, they've changed my outlook completely. Realizing you can love people for different reasons (I love my female friends for how caring, funny, and smart they are; and how much, to my amazement, I have discovered we have in common); that no one person can be your end-all, be-all; enjoying and looking forward to spending time with my friends; these feelings are important, and I am confident if I got into a relationship now, I wouldn't make the same mistakes I made last time around, because I'm in a healthier state of mind.

 

Give girls another chance shadow. Just pick wisely, have patience. You may not be disappointed.

[Kamille]

Shadow you're the only one who has control over your actions.

 

Now I don't think your mistake is as catastrophic as you think.

 

But reading your post, the events of the weekend and the aim conversation, I'm left wondering what your bf could possibly do to alleviate your insecurities.

 

It sounds like the tensions over your run to the emergency come from the fact that you couldn't accept that he could possibly be annoyed at the turns of events. My ex would have likely reacted the way your bf did, and that would have been because it would have scared him to see me that fragile and he would have wanted me to buck up.

 

You're going to have to accept that no matter who you're in a relationship with, they're not going to approve or condone your every actions. And they will have different ways of showing their emotions and their concerns. Your boyfriend was allowed to be scared and he reacted the way he reacted not because of his 'rationality' but because those were his own emotions at the time. You want him to accept you for who you are so you will have to accept him for who he is.

 

It sounds like what you want is to be worshipped by him. You want unfaltering unwavering adoration. For me adoration is far from being love. Love is a reality check. It's tackling life with somebody and that means communicating a range of emotions to that person.

 

And also, the 'I love you thing'.

 

Him: goodnight.

1:08 AM

me: no 'i love you'?

1:09 AM Him: I love you.

Him: I love you. I love you. I love you

me: ok whatever

later

 

 

The 'ok whatever' really sounds manipulative to me. I cringed when I read it. I understand that by then you were upset and feeling insecure, but please learn to recognize and accept that this man is trying his best. I would have ended the convo with 'that's better, I love you too'. That little part of the convo makes me wonder if you offer him as much emotional support as you demand of him?

 

Shadow, learn to have faith in yourself and in life. Discover your own strengths. No matter what happens, you will be ok.

[lovedango]

Alrighty, so here is the deal.

 

Eyes are an amazing story teller, and when it comes to reading what is on your partners mind, there is no better place to look than the eyes.

 

He got frustrated with you when you acted irresponsibly, that may have annoyed you but you need to look deeper into that emotion. No matter how annoyed he was he was still there for you, and waited for you. He may have seemed annoyed but as a male, he would not have stayed unless he really cared about your well-being. Take it from me, another guy.

 

What you need to do is, next time you are feeling that doubt, the doubt that makes you loose that sensation in your stomach and makes your chest burn, just stop, take a breathe, and look into his eyes. Don't say a word, just look into his eyes and you will see everything you need to see. The more you starve for his attention and love the less likely you are to get it. I hate to say it but that's just how guys are. If they FEEL the love, they will RETURN the love. It is a complicated equation but it has very simple inputs and outputs.

 

Having girlfriends is also important for you as a female, it will allow you to relate in ways that you could not otherwise relate with guys. It also allows you to form that bond which everyone needs, a sister like bond.

 

But one thing is for certain, for most men, slight insecurity is a good thing, it shows that you care and what he thinks matters to you, but if you let it control you, then it can definitely damage his approach to the relationship ultimately sending it to it's doom.

 

So the moral of the story is that when it comes down to the periods in which you KNOW you are being overly insecure, just stop and take a breath and really look at him. If you need reassurance, don't just ask for reassurance, let him know what you are thinking.

 

Example, do NOT say "Do you love me?"... a better thing would be to explain, like "You know, I keep thinking about how much I love you and sometimes I wonder if it is possible that you love me the same, you're just such an amazing guy..." I can guarantee that you will receive what you are looking for with the latter much more likely than just asking.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, you have NO IDEA how uncomfortable it made me to read the details of your weekend.

 

I was EXACTLY the same with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him so much and with that love came a desire to have all of him as often as I could, as well as a crippling fear that one day, I would lose him. So I was needy (needy because I always wanted to be as close as possible, always, wheras he liked it most simply when I was near), and I was always testing him. Almost weekly, when I felt my love the strongest and all I wanted was to reach inside of him, the fear would overwhelm me (especially if he was more distant than I liked) and the insecure questioning would begin. It started with musings like yours (year one), progressing, in the second year, to fake breakups (I storm out, because I want to bond emotionally and he wants to play video games with his friends; he follows me) (year 2). By year 3, he was exhausted; I was finally close to realizing I did not need to fight anymore, that he was someone I really trusted; I'd finally fallen in love. Unfortunately at this time he realized he wanted to be alone.

 

So my insecurity did destroy my relationship. And the suckiest part is that, looking back, there was so much love between us that under any other conditions, between any other people, there was no way it wouldn't work out. We were perfect for one another.

 

I'd like to blame it on the timing, but it was my laziness that was the problem. Had I actually been attending to my responsibilities, no way would I have had time to analyze as often as I did (often coming to the wrong conclusions and taking bad plans of action that could easily have been avoided had I not been *as* tuned in as I was) or wanted to fight as often as I did in the R. The R would ahve been my place of solace, rather than my sole occupation, with the pressure of feeding me enough info weekly to keep me emotionally, intellectually, and physically entertained.

 

You sound like me in many ways shadow, and I think what would really work for you and your R is if you give your life some real meaning in another plane. Focus on your career or something. Do something you've always wanted to do. Surely there is something you'd like that you don't have yet?

 

Hi, Spookie. Your posts are always very insightful and helpful. I agree that we suffer from a lot of the same issues.

 

I can definitely relate to what you said about always testing your boyfriend. I realize that I'm constantly giving my boyfriend little tests; often I'm not even consciously aware of them until later. It's scary but doing this is like second nature to me. I'm not sure where I learned this self-destructive behavior.

 

Somehow I don't believe that just being affectionate, what comes most naturally, will win him over. Part of me believes that I have to play constant games and manipulate to keep him interested. I don't know how this belief got so firmly ingrained in me. Perhaps it boils down to the fact that I just don't trust people. I believe that people don't value what they have, and can't return the love of somebody who unquestionably loves them. There always has to be that lingering doubt about whether the other person really likes them.

 

Or maybe it's all an attempt to overcompensate for my lack of self confidence. Being aloof seems more confident and strong. The combination of unconfident + loving is extremely weak to me. The irony is that in trying to act more confident by playing games I betray my own insecurity to him even more. It always backfires.

 

When I said being affectionate comes naturally above that wasn't exactly true. The truth is that being needy and slightly manipulative is what comes naturally to me. I don't know how to be affectionate without totally overdoing the affection. That's what I'm scared of. If I let it all out I don't know how to maintain a healthy distance. Perhaps that "healthy distance" comes naturally to other people with more confidence because it marks the borders of their own identities. I guess that means I need to work on strengthening my identity and confidence to improve my relationship (what you all have been telling me! ). But what do I do in the meantime? I can't grow confidence overnight.

 

The funny thing is I know if this was somebody else's thread I would be cringing and thinking "Why did she do that?!" Yet it's so much harder to think rationally in the moment when you're the one emotionally involved in a situation.

[shadowplay]

Hi Shadowplay

I've read alot of your posts regarding your relationship and I agree with what spookie wrote in that it could be boredom/something lacking in your life that is causing you this insecurity. From the posts of yours that I've read I'm 99% sure that it's your lack of girlfriends that is missing. What do you think? I've actually asked you before a couple of times in other threads of yours if this could be the case but you didn't reply to me. I've seen you write other times that all your friends are guys & I think without friends also of the same gender a person will always have something missing. I don't know if I'm explaining myself all that well but IMO if you had a group of girlfriends not only would you have other girls to talk about things like this with but you'd also have other things than university and your guy occupying your time which I think is healthier. What do you think of this?

 

 

 

Make sure you don't do the above again. You're lucky he reacted not so badly to it, many other guys would have really gotten the sh*ts at you for something like that if they were him, me included!

 

Hi, Lino. I agree with you about the lack of girlfriends. I actually really want to make some. The thing holding me back, I think, has been my fear of other women (I've been burned in the past) but that's something I need to get over. Also, I have no clue where to meet other girls. It's actually harder than meeting guys. With guys it's easier to get their interest because you know you can rely on sexual attraction (as shady as that sounds). With girls it's all about personality and I have less confidence in my personality. Also, girls are more competitive and threatening. I'm not really in school at the moment so I don't have any place to meet other girls. Actually I will be taking a few classes starting in January, but I've always had trouble making friends in classes. Any suggestions?

 

Yeah, I've learned my lesson about making breakup threats. Man, I wish I had a time machine sometimes. *shakes head*

[sb129]

Shadow, I have been where you are now, and I took a few steps further and actually destroyed a R because of it.

 

I really am not a big fan of John Grays Men are from Mars Women are From Venus books, but he does say some interesting stuff about men going into their "cave" and withdrawing from women, and a big mistake that women make is to push at them, which makes them withdraw more.

 

I agree with Kamilles post, and I also agree that you should divert your attentions to more people than just your BF.

 

Right now, I am in a great R with my fiance, and my insecurity had vanished by the time I met him, and stayed away. Its so much nicer.... happier, healthier.... life is good.

[shadowplay]

Shadow you're the only one who has control over your actions.

 

Now I don't think your mistake is as catastrophic as you think.

 

But reading your post, the events of the weekend and the aim conversation, I'm left wondering what your bf could possibly do to alleviate your insecurities.

 

It sounds like the tensions over your run to the emergency come from the fact that you couldn't accept that he could possibly be annoyed at the turns of events. My ex would have likely reacted the way your bf did, and that would have been because it would have scared him to see me that fragile and he would have wanted me to buck up.

 

You're going to have to accept that no matter who you're in a relationship with, they're not going to approve or condone your every actions. And they will have different ways of showing their emotions and their concerns. Your boyfriend was allowed to be scared and he reacted the way he reacted not because of his 'rationality' but because those were his own emotions at the time. You want him to accept you for who you are so you will have to accept him for who he is.

 

It sounds like what you want is to be worshipped by him. You want unfaltering unwavering adoration. For me adoration is far from being love. Love is a reality check. It's tackling life with somebody and that means communicating a range of emotions to that person.

 

And also, the 'I love you thing'.

 

 

 

The 'ok whatever' really sounds manipulative to me. I cringed when I read it. I understand that by then you were upset and feeling insecure, but please learn to recognize and accept that this man is trying his best. I would have ended the convo with 'that's better, I love you too'. That little part of the convo makes me wonder if you offer him as much emotional support as you demand of him?

 

Shadow, learn to have faith in yourself and in life. Discover your own strengths. No matter what happens, you will be ok.

 

Thanks for the advice, Kamille. I agree with you that I need to take control over my life and my actions. Sometimes I feel helpless, like an outside observer watching a train crash in slow motion, but I realize that's probably just a copout.

 

I shouldn't accept others to condone me for my mistakes. I need to own up to them and try to correct them.

 

You're right that I was being manipulative. I cringe now just thinking about it.

[shadowplay]

Shadow, I have been where you are now, and I took a few steps further and actually destroyed a R because of it.

 

I really am not a big fan of John Grays Men are from Mars Women are From Venus books, but he does say some interesting stuff about men going into their "cave" and withdrawing from women, and a big mistake that women make is to push at them, which makes them withdraw more.

 

I agree with Kamilles post, and I also agree that you should divert your attentions to more people than just your BF.

 

Right now, I am in a great R with my fiance, and my insecurity had vanished by the time I met him, and stayed away. Its so much nicer.... happier, healthier.... life is good.

 

What can I do now to damage control? That's my biggest concern. I'm terrified of interacting with him again. Should I back off and give him some space? I'm usually online every night after ten and he ims me (sort of a tradition). Occasionally, though, I'll miss a night because I have class late and go to sleep right after. So I'm wondering if tonight I should not be online to give him some space, even though he's the one who ims me. I'm worried that if I am online he'll see that as demanding, and feel obligated to im me. Or would he see me not being online as a snub? See these are the little decisions/questions that obsess me.

 

My even bigger concern is what to do when I actually see him again in person on Friday night. How should I act around him?

 

I just really want to make things better...

[sb129]

Just be cool. IM- but keep it lighthearted. You shouldn't really talk too much about serious stuff over IM, its so hard to interpret peoples emotions.

 

Be yourself! Be the person he fell in love with, don't be needy or insecure or talk too much about who loves whom and all that malarkey.

[shadowplay]

How long do you guys think it will take this thing to "blow over?" I'm really scared that it's too late.

 

I will try the light-hearted approach, SB.

[sb129]

 

Shadow, learn to have faith in yourself and in life. Discover your own strengths. No matter what happens, you will be ok.

 

Read this and repeat it to yourself.

 

How long do you guys think it will take this thing to "blow over?" I'm really scared that it's too late.

 

I will try the light-hearted approach, SB.

 

if you let this go without bringing it up again, it will blow over in no time. x

[shadowplay]

Read this and repeat it to yourself.

 

 

 

if you let this go without bringing it up again, it will blow over in no time. x

 

Ok. *takes a deep breath* I will let it go and try to "have faith." I'll let you guys know if there is any news to report (hopefully there won't be). I'm so glad I have LS at times like these.

[sb129]

Ok. *takes a deep breath* I will let it go and try to "have faith." I'll let you guys know if there is any news to report (hopefully there won't be). I'm so glad I have LS at times like these.

We are your online girlfriends.

 

Go get yourself some good RL ones to add to your arsenal and you will be invincible!

[Kamille]

We are your online girlfriends.

 

Go get yourself some good RL ones to add to your arsenal and you will be invincible!

 

Absolutely, we are your online girlfriends.

 

I'll repeat that I don't think your actions are as catastrophic as you might think. We have all acted out of insecurity at times.

 

When I feel insecure in my current R I ask myself 2 things - and their order is important:

1) what can I do to help myself feel better?

2) what do I need from him?

 

The first question helps me figure out which part of my insecurity are my own. Usually a 99% of it.

 

The second question is trickier. Usually I feel insecure just because I want him to make me feel special somehow. So what I do in those times is try and figure out a confident and positive way to go get the attention I need. Once it involved going shopping for sexy underwear. Another time I simply asked him with a smile on my face, when the moment was right and we were both relaxed, if he was still happy that we were together. And, once he gives me what I needed (and what I asked for) - I recognize it and enjoy it.

 

It sounds mathematical but it works like magic. You are as responsible for your own happiness in this relationship as he is. Part of that responsibility is learning how to get the love you need without becoming needy.

[Kamille]

I wanted to add, that in the case of the convo,"what no I love you and his reply) sometimes asking for what you need and getting it doesn't alleviate the feeling of insecurity. But at those times I tell myself : ok, that was the response I was looking for and then I wait out the feeling. Usually a good night's sleep does wonders.

[shadowplay]

Absolutely, we are your online girlfriends.

 

I'll repeat that I don't think your actions are as catastrophic as you might think. We have all acted out of insecurity at times.

 

When I feel insecure in my current R I ask myself 2 things - and their order is important:

1) what can I do to help myself feel better?

2) what do I need from him?

 

The first question helps me figure out which part of my insecurity are my own. Usually a 99% of it.

 

The second question is trickier. Usually I feel insecure just because I want him to make me feel special somehow. So what I do in those times is try and figure out a confident and positive way to go get the attention I need. Once it involved going shopping for sexy underwear. Another time I simply asked him with a smile on my face, when the moment was right and we were both relaxed, if he was still happy that we were together. And, once he gives me what I needed (and what I asked for) - I recognize it and enjoy it.

 

It sounds mathematical but it works like magic. You are as responsible for your own happiness in this relationship as he is. Part of that responsibility is learning how to get the love you need without becoming needy.

 

Awww...thanks, guys! I love my LS buddies.

 

That is sound advice, Kamille. I will try that approach. I like the idea of trying to make myself feel better by doing things for myself rather than always relying on attention from another person.

[lino]

The thing holding me back, I think, has been my fear of other women (I've been burned in the past) but that's something I need to get over.

 

If you don't mind, can you please explain further about your fear of other women & how you've been burned in the past?

 

With guys it's easier to get their interest because you know you can rely on sexual attraction (as shady as that sounds).

 

Yeah, it sounds shady because making guy friends that isn't really making true friends at all, it's just guys waiting for a shot to hook up with you

 

 

Also, girls are more competitive and threatening. I'm not really in school at the moment so I don't have any place to meet other girls. Actually I will be taking a few classes starting in January, but I've always had trouble making friends in classes. Any suggestions?

 

Dunno if you directed this question at me & to be honest I don't really know the best place for girls to make girlfriends, since I'm not a girl I know workplaces are a good setting to make friends in, especially a part-time/student job where there will be alot of others like you. I assume you have a job?

Also if you enjoy sports or other recreational activities you can make friends by taking part in them. Not really sure if this is your type of thing though.

Besides my old school & family friends that I still have from since I can remember, the 2 areas I described above are where I made heaps of mates, both male & female.

Can I ask why you've always had trouble making friends in classes?

 

Yeah, I've learned my lesson about making breakup threats. Man, I wish I had a time machine sometimes. *shakes head*

 

Good