gramsbear Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Found out that my husband of 22 years has been having an affair with a girl 20 years younger then him for 7 years. We seperated for 6 weeks,now we are back together.But I think he is still involved with her. 2 weeks after we went back together she lied and got a PPO on me.My husband is all mad,says basically I deserved it and wants me not to fight it.All he says is,he wants this all to go away. Why wont he defend me and my feelings? And why would he come home if he still wants her?
norajane Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Found out that my husband of 22 years has been having an affair with a girl 20 years younger then him for 7 years. We seperated for 6 weeks,now we are back together.But I think he is still involved with her. 2 weeks after we went back together she lied and got a PPO on me.My husband is all mad,says basically I deserved it and wants me not to fight it. All he says is,he wants this all to go away. Why wont he defend me and my feelings? And why would he come home if he still wants her? So why are you with him? He won't defend you and your feelings because he doesn't give a damn about you or your feelings. If he did, he wouldn't have been cheating on you for 7 years (and who knows how many other affairs prior that you aren't aware of). He comes home because he likes having wifey to cook and clean for him, to take care of him, to have his little life at home in order, while still having sex on the side. And he could be concerned that you will take him to the cleaners in a divorce. So why are you with him? Why haven't you filed for a divorce? You think he's going to suddenly turn around and become loving husband to you? It doesn't sound like he will.
heftysmurf Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I am a mess right now too. Their is one big thing I did that helped. I made a contract with 13 items. #1 is no contact. If my wife violates that it makes my decision easy. It is OVER INSTANTLY. You can move on. I could not say that the 1st few days. See a lawyer ASAP but make no decisions and tell him after that you did. Not before. That helped me realize I could move on. My choice. I give it a chance. Many will call us insane but they are not us and do not need to live our lives. Do not stick just for the kids but give it a chance for the kids. If you become a doormat what are you showing them? If you are it is time to leave. Any violation of what I laid down it is done. Be STRONG. Stand up for you and your kids! Be bold. be assertive. Stand up!
bish Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Found out that my husband of 22 years has been having an affair with a girl 20 years younger then him for 7 years. We seperated for 6 weeks,now we are back together.But I think he is still involved with her. 2 weeks after we went back together she lied and got a PPO on me.My husband is all mad,says basically I deserved it and wants me not to fight it.All he says is,he wants this all to go away. Why wont he defend me and my feelings? And why would he come home if he still wants her? Oh the minute he said that you deserved this OW has a PPO on you and the fact he won't defend you...I say you should divorce his worthless butt and take half his stuff. Get out there and live. Your husband is a real bastard...sorry...but he is. What man would cheat all those years...stay in the marriage, then side with the OS? Oh..someone who is not a man at all. Get rid of this jerk. And if he wants to be with this younger OW...then she'll dump him when she turns 40...cuz she'll be in her prime and he'll be 60.
Author gramsbear Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 yes a ppo is a protection order.I was at her house waiting for him and demanded he make a choice. I did file for a divorce and now we are dropping it. I think Im here for alot of reasons.I love who I thought he was... Security...I have a granddaughter,agreatgranddaughter and my 85 year old mother with dementia who live with us. I want to win...Fear...I dont want to be single....I dont want to give up what we have. Am I awful?If he will give her up then I know we can be okay,but if he doesnt then I have no idea how to handle this.
Author gramsbear Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Thank you for your insight.No one really knows what they will do until its a reality,do they? Im here to learn,listen and try to find out who and what I am...
BettyBoop Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I love who I thought he was... Security...I have a granddaughter,agreatgranddaughter and my 85 year old mother with dementia who live with us. I want to win...Fear...I dont want to be single....I dont want to give up what we have. Girl, you are not awful. He is. You and I share the same sin in loving a man we thought he was...but your H stopped being the man you thought you knew the moment he entered that affair. He has had millions of options to stop seeing her and work on your marriage, but he has chosen not to for 7 years. He has also chosen to cast the blame on you, claiming that you deserved it. NOBODY deserves to be cheated on. "Win"? It isn't a game, and your H isn't a "prize". My dad's auntie has dementia and she lives in a home. You'd think she'd be miserable but she's not. She found herself a new boyfriend there and is really happy in her own little world. (Am trying not to make you feel bad with the dementia mother. No offense meant.) Having your family around in a broken home doesn't make a home. The family itself is what makes it a home. I understand you wish there was a way to make it all go away and be well. Unfortunately, the way it sounds, your H will cheat again - and he'd continue to unless he had been caught. If you think you'll be happier pretending everything is fine, as long as you can all be together under the same roof, then that is your choice. And then we can't really help you if your H doesn't even want to work on your problems. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Single isn't the end of the world - rather the new beginning.
Kasan Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I did file for a divorce and now we are dropping it. I think Im here for alot of reasons.I love who I thought he was... Security...I have a granddaughter,agreatgranddaughter and my 85 year old mother with dementia who live with us. I want to win...Fear...I dont want to be single....I dont want to give up what we have. Am I awful?If he will give her up then I know we can be okay,but if he doesnt then I have no idea how to handle this. Why did you decide to drop the divorce? Did he make promises to you? If so, has he kept them? You love who you thought he was, do you love what he is now? It really seems to me that you are selling your soul and putting yourself at risk of STD's for security. Have you explored housing options for your family should you divorce? If he has been with this OW for seven years, I see no reason for him to leave her, as you have allowed this to go on. What is his incentive to leave the OW? I can't imagine the toll this must be taking on your psyche on top of your family obligations. Are you in counseling?
Frances Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Why did you decide to drop the divorce? Did he make promises to you? If so, has he kept them? You love who you thought he was, do you love what he is now? It really seems to me that you are selling your soul and putting yourself at risk of STD's for security. Have you explored housing options for your family should you divorce? If he has been with this OW for seven years, I see no reason for him to leave her, as you have allowed this to go on. What is his incentive to leave the OW? I can't imagine the toll this must be taking on your psyche on top of your family obligations. Are you in counseling? I do not think she knew about the OW until recently. She really does not know what she is doing yet. The shock of it all takes ages to recover from if you ever do that is. I am still reeling after nearly 17 months. Not getting a divorce can be for a number of reasons. What age group you are in, the finances, the family (how are they going to cope with it) There are a lot of things to consider. I think its a good idea to keep things on a slow burner until you can sort out what will be in your best interests. In other words do not show your hand too soon. He of course is not the man she thought he was, he has gone and now you see him for what he really is.
Author gramsbear Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 Frances,You seem to know who and where I am at this moment.Thank you...Looking for insight here....I have alot of time to divorce,dont I?
Kasan Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You could be right in all you say Frances, but gramsbear husband is putting her at risk for STDs. As someone who has been married forever, I understand all the repercussions involved when a marriage could potentially end. I am not sure gramsbear what you are looking for--divorce, reconcilation, separation, your husband ending the affair? Are you talking to a counselor? I read your thread Frances, how are you doing?
Frances Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Frances,You seem to know who and where I am at this moment.Thank you...Looking for insight here....I have alot of time to divorce,dont I? Yes you have alot ot time to divorce. In the meantime be as kind to yourself as you can. Make sure you know where you stand regarding finances, property. Keep what you find out close to your chest for when you need it. Its fine to say I still love him and he would not rip me off in a divorce settlement but I am sure you believed he would not have done what he did. I would also check for STDs as Kasan has mentioned.
herenow Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 I did the same thing you did when I found out my H was having an A. He moved out and I filed for a D. It wasn't until I knew for sure that the OW was out of his life that I even thought about giving him a second chance. My question is, what did she lie about and when were you at her house? If it was when you first found out (sounds like it happened a couple of months ago), why is she filing a PPO now? Is it the OW that is hanging on and trying to stir things up? Or are you still holding on to your resentment towards her? The one thing I can tell you is that the OW is not part of your marriage and if she filed the PPO to get back in the mix, the best thing you can do is ignore her. Any attention you give to the OW takes away from your goal to keep your marriage alive. If your H has anything to do with her at this point, then I would have to say it's only a matter of time before you re-file those D papers. Also, your H must understand that now is the time for complete honesty. This cannot just go away. I can only speak for myself, but had my H and I ignored the problems that led up to his bad choice to have an affair, our marriage would be dead by now. I would never say that your H's affair is your fault, he made that choice and he needs to take 100% responsibility for his actions. If you want your marriage to work, you need to look at what is missing in your husband and do the work necessary to fix it or you can be sure that your troubles are not over.
norajane Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Also, your H must understand that now is the time for complete honesty. This cannot just go away. I can only speak for myself, but had my H and I ignored the problems that led up to his bad choice to have an affair, our marriage would be dead by now. I would never say that your H's affair is your fault, he made that choice and he needs to take 100% responsibility for his actions. If you want your marriage to work, you need to look at what is missing in your husband and do the work necessary to fix it or you can be sure that your troubles are not over. Isn't her husband the one who needs to look at what is missing in his character that he chose to cheat on his wife for 7 years instead of addressing the issues that they may have had? How is his wife supposed to fix that? HE needs to do the hard work.
whichwayisup Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 DO not have sex with him anymore as I'm pretty sure he's still with the OW. Also, get some counselling, it will help you get strong enough to leave your husband and get that divorce finalized.
herenow Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 Isn't her husband the one who needs to look at what is missing in his character that he chose to cheat on his wife for 7 years instead of addressing the issues that they may have had? How is his wife supposed to fix that? HE needs to do the hard work. In my opinion, she needs to be involved in the process. I know that in my case, it was important for me to be part of the fix. I went to MC with an open mind willing to take responsible for my actions as well. Not to say that the OP is at all to blame, but I feel that if a marriage is going to work, it's because both partners are willing to do what it takes to fix the problem or problems together. Even is only one of them has a problem. JMO
Frances Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 You could be right in all you say Frances, but gramsbear husband is putting her at risk for STDs. I agree with you on that, she is. In my case as it was an EA I did not have that to worry about. I read your thread Frances, how are you doing? Thanks for asking most of the time I am doing okay, seeing the family at the weddings and at various get togethers and now the first granchild, I feel I made the right choice not to blow him out of the water just yet (even if I feel like a doormat at times). I am looking after myself, go on holidays alot with him and without him. I am lucky that our finances are better now than they have ever been that enables me to do that. In some ways I am making a life for myself that does not depend so much on him. He is fine to have around but I could manage with out him. In other words I want him but I do not need him.
norajane Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 In my opinion, she needs to be involved in the process. I know that in my case, it was important for me to be part of the fix. I went to MC with an open mind willing to take responsible for my actions as well. Not to say that the OP is at all to blame, but I feel that if a marriage is going to work, it's because both partners are willing to do what it takes to fix the problem or problems together. Even is only one of them has a problem. JMO It doesn't sound like he's interested in fixing anything. He's still involved with the OW, thinks his wife deserved to get a restraining order, and he is mad at his wife and wants this to all just "go away". You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.
herenow Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 It doesn't sound like he's interested in fixing anything. He's still involved with the OW, thinks his wife deserved to get a restraining order, and he is mad at his wife and wants this to all just "go away". You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip. I agree. If he is still seeing or having any contact with the OW, it's only a matter of time until she re-files for divorce.
JustBreathe Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 It is impossible to reconcile while he is still seeing another woman as he is not 100% committed to making the marriage work. Are you sure he is still seeing her? What makes you think so? It is possible that he might be as it takes a while for them to realize how grave the situation is and what they stand to actually lose. Believe me I know 22 years is a long time to just walk away from. I've been married 25 and I'm still married. I speak from experience here. He will continue his childish stupid selfish hurtful behavior as long as YOU let him. He has no problem with cheating on you and continuing to screw his skag! If YOU have a problem with it, then it is incumbent upon you to do something about it. It is your life to change. You are the ONLY one who can change things now. He isn't interested. I know you love him very much still, but no man is that golden and you shouldn't be his doormat. Being able to "manage" without him is not being fair to yourself. A doormat is not attractive to a man which is why they choose to fiddle about with Ms. Independent (aka pekker garage). It would be different if he were not still seeing the tramp. Can you prove it? If so, then he needs a hard kick in the pants - tell him to leave again until he can give her up for good. 20 years younger. HAH! What idiots some men are. Doesn't he realize if he actually chooses her over you, she will not have the maturity to handle that big an age difference? She will likely cheat on him with the grocery boy or something. Age of the ho doesn't matter though. My H screwed around with a someone older than I was.
herenow Posted December 3, 2007 Posted December 3, 2007 It is impossible to reconcile while he is still seeing another woman as he is not 100% committed to making the marriage work. Are you sure he is still seeing her? What makes you think so? It is possible that he might be as it takes a while for them to realize how grave the situation is and what they stand to actually lose. Believe me I know 22 years is a long time to just walk away from. I've been married 25 and I'm still married. I speak from experience here. He will continue his childish stupid selfish hurtful behavior as long as YOU let him. He has no problem with cheating on you and continuing to screw his skag! If YOU have a problem with it, then it is incumbent upon you to do something about it. It is your life to change. You are the ONLY one who can change things now. He isn't interested. I know you love him very much still, but no man is that golden and you shouldn't be his doormat. Being able to "manage" without him is not being fair to yourself. A doormat is not attractive to a man which is why they choose to fiddle about with Ms. Independent (aka pekker garage). It would be different if he were not still seeing the tramp. Can you prove it? If so, then he needs a hard kick in the pants - tell him to leave again until he can give her up for good. 20 years younger. HAH! What idiots some men are. Doesn't he realize if he actually chooses her over you, she will not have the maturity to handle that big an age difference? She will likely cheat on him with the grocery boy or something. Age of the ho doesn't matter though. My H screwed around with a someone older than I was. My H's OW was older than me as well. In the beginning I asked him what it was about her that he chose to have an affair. He said it wasn't about her, she just happened to be someone that was wiling to have an affair with a MM. When I kicked him out and told him to go to the OW, he wouldn't even consider the thought of actually having a real relationship with her. He didn't even like her as a person. Strange since she loved him. My point is, most of the time the affair is not about the other person or the spouse, and more about the cheater and their own issues. Again, I have to say that there is no hope in the marriage if both of you aren't willing to look at what is missing in the WS and or the marriage. Just because the affair ends doesn't mean the underlying issues have gone away. And, if he is indeed still having any contact with the OW, there is no chance of reconciliation. I'm not saying this is the OP's fault. Her H must take 100% of the responsibility for his actions, but to make a marriage work after an affair takes a strong commitment from both partners. Just my opinion.
writeon Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 It is impossible to reconcile while he is still seeing another woman as he is not 100% committed to making the marriage work. Are you sure he is still seeing her? What makes you think so? It is possible that he might be as it takes a while for them to realize how grave the situation is and what they stand to actually lose. Believe me I know 22 years is a long time to just walk away from. I've been married 25 and I'm still married. I speak from experience here. He will continue his childish stupid selfish hurtful behavior as long as YOU let him. He has no problem with cheating on you and continuing to screw his skag! If YOU have a problem with it, then it is incumbent upon you to do something about it. It is your life to change. You are the ONLY one who can change things now. He isn't interested. I know you love him very much still, but no man is that golden and you shouldn't be his doormat. Being able to "manage" without him is not being fair to yourself. A doormat is not attractive to a man which is why they choose to fiddle about with Ms. Independent (aka pekker garage). It would be different if he were not still seeing the tramp. Can you prove it? If so, then he needs a hard kick in the pants - tell him to leave again until he can give her up for good. 20 years younger. HAH! What idiots some men are. Doesn't he realize if he actually chooses her over you, she will not have the maturity to handle that big an age difference? She will likely cheat on him with the grocery boy or something. Age of the ho doesn't matter though. My H screwed around with a someone older than I was. Wow, justbreathe, I understand you've been hurt but I don't see any need to call another woman such mean names. What names do you call your husband? I don't see them in your post like I see the names you call the other woman. IMO you should be just as angry/ bitter-sounding at your husband as you are the other woman... they were both involved in the affair. Why put all the blame on her and why lower yourself to being so mean-sounding about another person?? Sorry to threadjack gramsbear. I feel for you and I agree with those who have said it will be an uphill battle... 7 years is a long time for an affair to continue, and then just end. How did you find out about the affair? Do you think he's sincere in changing? I just hope you don't let your heart be hurt even more. Do you know what to look for to make sure he isn't still having the affair? Best wishes gramsbear, I am so sorry this happened to you.
White Flower Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I am a mess right now too. Their is one big thing I did that helped. I made a contract with 13 items. #1 is no contact. If my wife violates that it makes my decision easy. It is OVER INSTANTLY. You can move on. I could not say that the 1st few days. See a lawyer ASAP but make no decisions and tell him after that you did. Not before. That helped me realize I could move on. My choice. I give it a chance. Many will call us insane but they are not us and do not need to live our lives. Do not stick just for the kids but give it a chance for the kids. If you become a doormat what are you showing them? If you are it is time to leave. Any violation of what I laid down it is done. Be STRONG. Stand up for you and your kids! Be bold. be assertive. Stand up! Hefty! I am so proud of you! (((Hugs)))You are in charge now and I'm so happy for you.
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