Want to get him back, but don't know how: my story

[AnotherGirl]

Hi, I have been reading the messages here for quite some time already, and it has helped me to know that I am not alone. I was hesitant to ask for advice, but I feel that I really need it now because I am at a spot where I still want to try for a relationship but don't know what to do.

 

My ex and I were together for around two years before he broke up with me 2.5 months ago. Sure, we had our conflicts, but none of them were ever enough to make him or me break up with each other. For example, I was too awkward around his family and friends, and I had the worst social skills for people my age. However, he stuck with me and was patient. Around 3.5 months ago, his family and I had a bunch of misunderstandings that led his family to pressure him to break up with me. On my part, I got so irritated with the animosity that I myself started criticizing them to my ex. I know I shouldn't have done so because I only added to the pressure he was already going through and he turned against me. When I realized things were getting out of hand, I approached his mom to have an honest conversation with her about all that was happening. However, she saw my attempt to straighten things out as an attempt to challenge her and talk back. I learned that in her cultural background, younger people were not supposed to voice their opinions unless asked to do so; they were expected to just submit. So things obviously got worse, and he broke up with me. He told me that his family did not seem like they would ever want me again, and I criticized them too much.

 

Shortly after the breakup, he and I were still talking. He was really sad, and for a while I gave him space to think (with him initiating some contact from time to time). He told me multiple times that the relationship was over and that he wanted time to just no longer love me. So I, not really knowing what to do and acting on impulse, showed up at his place to talk things over before he used the time he wanted to get over me. I wanted to convince him to see my side and get straight answers (more specific answers about the break up) that I couldn't get from chat/phone conversations. Of course, I didn't know how to handle myself. I begged and cried. He seemed ok at the time, but afterwards, he told me that he was actually considering giving the relationship another shot before I came. He told me he really needed space at the time. Now, I feel like I ruined the only chance I had at getting him back. However, I know that he was at fault too for pretending that he needed time to no longer love me instead of telling me the truth: that he needed the time to think about everything. I just haven't told him this.

 

Fast forward to around a week ago. I had a 4-week NC. I was going to parties, studying for exams, picking up old hobbies, and talking to many new people. I was trying to keep myself busy, but every day, I was still very sad and depressed. If I had any "highs" (not from drugs), they were very temporary and short. Then I started thinking that he might be mad at me for our past problems. I wanted to know if that contributed to the breakup. I wanted to tell him what I learned these past 4 weeks. I wanted to tell him sorry for pressuring him to get back with me. So I called him, and at first it was awkward. Then I asked him to meet in person with me to just talk about everything, and he agreed. Somehow, he happened to answer the question I had about him being mad on the phone as part of the conversation. The reason for the break-up was the family issues, not our past problems. He and I then proceeded to have a cheerful long conversation on the phone about what was happening the time we weren't talking.

 

The day he and I spent together started off cheerfully. I was having fun with him like I did before, and he and I laughed a couple of times. But then the conversation got serious. He told me he didn't feel like getting back with me anymore after I came to his place. He has moved on already. His friends already helped him move on. Some of his friends actually don't like me because (1) they thought I shouldn't have talked back to his mom and (2) I had always been shy and awkward around them and they felt that I just pushed him away from them. They felt that if I were to hang out with him and them (as I wanted to), I would just stick to him and they didn't want me around. I told him that I learned a lot and that I have been working on myself. I knew the family thing was out of my control, but I wanted to be a better person regardless. I told him I still love him, but that because I love him and want the best for him, he should only come back to me if he wants to, not because of pressure. I told him that yes, I know he doesn't want to get back with me, but that I still want to stick with this and see where it goes. If he never gets back with me, then I am ready for disappointment. I just want to have no regrets about never attempting to work this out. I pretty told him all that was on my mind minus two things: (1) Part of the reason I stopped by at his place was due to the fact that he kept telling me he was getting over me and wanted time to no longer love me. I felt that I had to have a direct conversation (that he did not cut short by being online or on the phone) with him about the relationship before he started moving on. But alas, I was too emotional at the time to think clearly at that meeting anyways. (2) He had some fault in family misunderstandings too. I don't really want to go into the details though. I didn't tell him these things because I was afraid that he will only get upset that I am placing some blame on him, but now, I feel that he should know one of the reasons I went to place was due to miscommunication and clouded judgment and not totally due to disrespect of his desire to have space to think. I don't really know if that will do anything.

 

Basically, I know he doesn't want to come back now and he told me that he was afraid of leading me on. He's over me. He still wants to be friends, but needs some time to just focus on school. He values his other friends over me right now (which I guess is normal after a break-up). I already know that the chances of him and me being together again are slim, but I want to take that risk and wait it out. I know I am hurting during the process, but I'll regret not waiting. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to play games with him. I want to be honest with him, so I don't want to use any of those tricks people suggest like making him jealous. Also, he wants space to do well in school, so when he is at school, I may not get to see him. But when he comes home and I am at home too, his family and friends make any meeting with him hard. I want him to convince his friends that I am genuinely making an effort to improve myself socially (as I am doing on my own at school anyways) and that I won't stick with him the entire time we hang out, but now, he is favoring his friends over me. I'm afraid that no contact for too long will be counterproductive. I am stuck. I want to try, but I don't even know what to do. I know some of you may tell me to just give it up, but I want to try everything I can before doing so.

 

At the same time, I feel so depressed. I know I'm treading on thin ice. I know that there may actually be no chance of him and me getting back. And yet I love him too much to let go without trying some more. I can't seem to let go actually. I can't think of negative things about him to not want him because he was and still is great.

 

So I guess my questions are:

 

What should I do? How should I keep contact while respecting him at the same time?

 

Should I mention the reason I had for showing up at his place so that he will understand the miscommunication, or will that only make things worse? I want to be honest, but some things are better left unsaid. What should I not say? What should I say?

 

His friends and he might go shopping Friday. I want to go shopping and want to improve my social skills in addition to hanging out with him (I have many reasons for wanting to go). Should I call him up about it? I already know his friends don't want me there, but I keep hoping that he'll tell them to give me a chance (though it is unlikely he will tell them that).

 

Please help. Thanks so much. Reading your posts has helped me these past weeks.

[birdie]

you seem to have a lot of insight into the situation and I think maybe deep down you already know the answer.

 

I have a problem with people that blame the other person entirely for a break up. to tell you the truth, your ex doesn't sound like he has much of a backbone and he caves in to pressure and allows other people to stick their nose in. what will happen in the future? a man should be loyal to his serious girlfriend and even during family conflicts he should stand up for her and privately deal with the issues with her. as for his friends... come on, how childish is that?

 

I am not sure I would have a huge amount of respect for him if I were in your shoes.

I think you could do better.

[AnotherGirl]

Thanks Birdie. I know that he has problems standing up to his family, but the rest of the relationship, he was very supportive. Whenever I stressed about something, he was there to help me. I guess knowing that he was so supportive and that the only big weakness he showed was his family makes it hard for me to get over him.

 

I think he blames me because a few hours before I went to his mom, he told me to just apologize because she might get mad. However, he and I had already planned on me talking to her directly for the past week, so I wasn't about to change my mind a few hours before the planned visit. Also, I wanted to be sincere with her out of respect for her. I knew she had a job that forced her to deal with children of different cultural backgrounds, so I hoped she would see my point of view. Unfortunately, she didn't.

 

His friends are nice, it seems...I just don't think they understood me well because I was so quiet and they are probably in a defensive mode right now as his friends.

 

I don't know...maybe I am trying to see the positive side in them and him. I know I am not all to blame though. Thanks for your input.

 

Oh and more replies would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

[torranceshipman]

Hey AnotherGirl,

 

I think you've 100% done everything you can do to give it another chance. He will now know how you feel, that you want to get back together, that you are totally willing to work on things...that you are totally available to him...you need to let him come to you now. Don't push it anymore as you've seen already that this pushes him in the opposite direction.

 

Also, I think your ideas to contact him, etc, are your way of holding on and allowing yourself to think about him - a way of not moving on or letting go. I'd try to move forward and treat this as if it is over - as if the guy loves you, he'll move mountains - when he's ready - to get you back, regardless of what you do. And you know you've given it every shot you could, so no missed opportunities and that may help you move on. But if you sit and wait you'll get more miserable...and if you push him I think it'll just make all this worse. Probably, the more contact you have with him right now, the harder it will be for you to let go, so maybe NC might even be the best option.

 

Good luck!

[AnotherGirl]

Torranceshipman: Yeah, maybe that is why I don't know what to do. I just am so frustrated that timing seems so important in all this. I am afraid that too much NC will just make him drift farther away from me, but I guess there is no "right" answer to this problem. Thanks for your advice.

[birdie]

I don't want to repeat myself but I honestly think that a person's character shows through when there is a big conflict to be solved. it's easy to deal with small things.

 

I think you have done more than enough and despite everything said above, I'm still not sure whether he deserves you. the fact that you are a quiet person cannot be an issue with anyone, including his friends. you seem really self-aware and your head screwed on. I honestly think the answer is to find the right person for you.

[PLAYBRAT]

AG....

 

Just wanted to reply to your post. I agree with Birdie 100%. Your ex

is letting his friends opinions of you affect his decision WAY too much.

I would be completely insulted if someone who procalimed to be my

"BF" would do this to me.It is pretty disrespectful.

 

I can only tell you how it would make ME feel. I can;t tell you what to do. However if it were ME..I would send him a letter or email..and basically

thank him for doing me a huge favor and showing me his TRUE colors..and not wasting another minute of my life on him. I would also let him know how little respect I had for him for letting his friends lead him around by the nose with THIER opinions of OUR relationship..which should have NEVER been discussed with them in the first place.

 

Then i would wish him good luck in his life and the next girl...and hope he develops a spine in his next relationship.

 

But anyway....I digress....

This is about YOU....

Let us know how things turn out..

[Racquel Colette]

Sorry but this man doesn't love you. The writing on the wall couldn't be more clear. 1. He dumped you. I know you feel that deep down he really does and it's really the family pressure that caused that, but if a man really loves you, he won't dump you just because of family pressure. 2. He has stated that he doesn't want to lead you on, that he is over you, and that he doesn't want to get back together with you.....not the words of a man still in love and wanting to get back together but more the words of a man who has moved on and is not in love with his ex-girlfriend.

Breaking up is not a crime; he did nothing wrong except for fall out of love with you.

Do you want to continue to hound and pursue a man who is not in love with you?

He is not the man for you because you don't want to be with a man who doesn't love you.

You do not have a shot with this, so please have some dignity and stop playing fatal attraction/desperate woman. Do not contact this man again. It will get better and you will get over him eventually. You have to allow yourself to do this (in fact, actively work to stop thinking about him and get over him.) You have to permanently let go of the idea of you and this man together. That is the only way to move on.

[ninjaturtles]

AG, You have been given good advice, however I feel i should let you know sometthings. I am mixed race, (hence Iv got black blood, and have lived with this 'culture' thing all my life)....I can totally relate to everything thats going on..

 

I learned that in her cultural background, younger people were not supposed to voice their opinions unless asked to do so; they were expected to just submit. So things obviously got worse, and he broke up with me. He told me that his family did not seem like they would ever want me again, and I criticized them too much.

 

I wonder what specific cultural background you speak about. For eg, some cultures have a lot of faith in the belief that younger people should be very respectful to older people..In your case, your Ex's mother. No one is expected to sumbit per se, but its considered rude for eg, to talk back to an older person. The appropriate way (culturally) would be to approach the older person in a meek way...(I dont know if you understand my point). So its not an abomination to talk back to mums/mums-in-law etc, but for eg, a black man would not want his future wife to get in conflict with his mother. Instead he would want his girlfriend to 'suck up to his mum'.lol.No jokes...Ok, not necessarily suck up but get into the goodbooks of the mum, cook, clean etc!

Of course these things vary, but generally speaking anyway.

 

 

Furthermore, (I dont even know what race you speak about), but trust me, as unfair as it may seem, with some cultures, a lot of men would not compromise relations with thier immediate family because of a woman. Most times, a man has to get consent from his parent if he wants to marry a woman....Of course these are not absolute rules. Another eg, If the parents do not give 'thier hand in marraige' with regards thier son or daughter's marriage, the marriage may not be considered a true blessing.

 

Dont get it twisted but all I am trying to point out to you, is that some cultures regard the opinions family members have of thier girlfriends/boyfs, fiances etc very very highly. This factor plays a strong role in determing how far things go..eg engagement, marraige etc.

Thus, even though its sounds unfair that a man would leave you after 2.5 yrs solely because of his family/friends, a lot of value is placed in relation to 'respect' for older ones etc. This is probably why he did not want you to go and speak to his mum when you did.

However, its his mum's 'culture', not his....So I wonder why he is letting go because of the conflict you had with his mum/family. I honestly cannot conclude that he does not love because of his decision, as I know how difficult family members can be!! However, Its unfair to let go of your relationship simply because of this....

 

In relation to his friends...dont blame yourself.I have a good friend(some guy) who loved this girl with all his heart. He eventually broke if off because his friends did not like this girl .He got a point where he had to choose between his friends and his girlfriend( cos his girlfriend was constantly insulting his friends and basically not behaving well). You on the other hand, have done nothing wrong to receive judgement from his friends. Its not compulsory to be friends with yout boyfriend's friends. Of course it would not help if you were enemies, but you simply behaved quiet around them etc. His decision should not be based on his friends!

 

You have done all you can, you must be hurting now..However there is nothing you can do except get on with life. If the love is strong enough, it would prevail. Cliche as it sounds.

 

 

NC would be the best way to move on....I really hope you two can work things out because i can imagine how it feels to lose someone who was really supportive ...

 

Keep reading and i would advice you not to try and force yourself to blend with these friends. In the end, if he loves you enough with time everything would work out..No point in trying to force anything....

 

Stay strong but detach yourself...Nothing is guaranteed..His coming back isnt, neither is his staying away..so prepare for the worst and hope for the best.xxxxx

[Surfer Girl]

I think you are looking for any opportunity to talk to her and voice your opnions.... You have done that... and this person from the sounds of it needs the space... Let this person have space... Let this person come to you... Then you will know.... You pursuing does not give this person any time to think, miss you or respect you.... Respect this person by letting this person come their own descion....

[SunnyLady]

Thanks Birdie. I know that he has problems standing up to his family, but the rest of the relationship, he was very supportive. Whenever I stressed about something, he was there to help me. I guess knowing that he was so supportive and that the only big weakness he showed was his family makes it hard for me to get over him.

 

I think he blames me because a few hours before I went to his mom, he told me to just apologize because she might get mad. However, he and I had already planned on me talking to her directly for the past week, so I wasn't about to change my mind a few hours before the planned visit. Also, I wanted to be sincere with her out of respect for her. I knew she had a job that forced her to deal with children of different cultural backgrounds, so I hoped she would see my point of view. Unfortunately, she didn't.

 

His friends are nice, it seems...I just don't think they understood me well because I was so quiet and they are probably in a defensive mode right now as his friends.

 

I don't know...maybe I am trying to see the positive side in them and him. I know I am not all to blame though. Thanks for your input.

 

Oh and more replies would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!

 

 

Hey!! Where is your ex from? What country? Im mixed raced so familar with all that. You would be shocked how much influence a mother can have over her son's decsions. Anyway let me know and ill tell you what i think. I wouldnt necessarily conclude that he "doesnt love you" because like i said i am all too familiar with these cultural beliefs. Sometimes though its like fighting a lost battle:confused:.

 

 

Let me know and stay strong.xxxx

[AnotherGirl]

I feel that right now, my ex just wants to be single. He seems tired of all the drama that the situation caused, and he was pretty upset at me for the way I criticized his family. I don't know if he'll ever fully forgive me for criticizing his family even though he knows that I was really upset at the time. I don't even know if he will be giving the relationship another try. Unfortunately, all the couples I know who broke up due to family pressure never got back together. I am willing to adjust my behavior to fit and respect his cultural values, but I know that the damage has already been done, and I can't take what they felt and what I did back. So right now, I feel almost hopeless.

 

He is Filipino. I know some Filipinos whose families are very open-minded and willing to hear children out, but then, all of the Filipinos my ex hangs out with seem to have families that really demand, I guess meekness, from children.

 

I don't know if he fell out of love with me before the break-up. He seemed really sad after the break-up, but then that in itself is no clear indicator that he still was in love with me. He could have fallen out of love with me in the midst of all this craziness, or he could have fallen out of love before the craziness, or after. So who knows. All I know is that the problems with the family made him break-up with me because if the break-up was due to other problems, it would have happened earlier (according to him). I am still confused about this situation.

 

About him not having a backbone, I keep thinking that if he broke up with me due to family problems and if he was raised in an environment that made him look for family approval, then I would understand how hard it is to get out of that mentality. I was raised with the freedom to respectfully voice my opinions, and I know that if someone told me that respectfully voicing my opinion is bad, I would not be so quick to agree. I guess thinking of the situation this way makes it hard for me to let go. How do you let go of someone who is great and whose weakness may be derived from the values he grew up learning? Can I blame him for doing something he was taught to do? How can I move on when I keep blaming myself for not being more open-minded to his culture?

 

Ahhh, I am giving him space right now. Not sure whether to go with NC or LC. I myself don't know about this situation too well anymore.

[THE THRONE]

What should I do?

 

Move onw ih your life.

 

How should I keep contact while respecting him at the same time?

 

Your main concern should be respecting YOURSELF. Stop being a glutton for punishment.

 

Should I mention the reason I had for showing up at his place so that he will understand the miscommunication, or will that only make things worse?

 

Why mention it? Will mentioning it change his perspective? No, so why do it?

 

I want to be honest, but some things are better left unsaid. What should I not say? What should I say?

 

You say, "I respect your choice to move on, have a nice life."