kittycats2 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Thank you to whoever reads this. I'm 29 years old, been married for 11 years, have two children, 10 and 8. I had an affair with a married man that lasted 17 months, which ended 4 1/2 years ago. My feelings for him never really ended, things ended when he moved away for graduate school. We have kept in touch off and on through e-mail over the years. I told my husband about the affair right after it ended, and we went to counseling for over a year. Things started to improve, slowly. I am in extremely good shape, very good-looking. My husband has been 100+ pounds overweight the last 10 years of our marriage. I have absolutely no sexual attraction to him. I'm sure this is because of the affair, but I felt similarly before the affair also. About 7 weeks ago I initiated contact with a divorced dad on my daughter's team. I had his e-mail address because I'm the coach, and we talked several nights on the phone, then went out to lunch. We went out again a few days later and had sex that night. We have seen each other two or three times a week since then, talking/texting nearly every day. He has expressed concern that I'm married, that he has a conscience, but he continues to want to see me. The worst part is I recently did a quick check on the court records for our county, and found that he was convicted twice of adult abuse against his ex-wife, the second time it was a felony. He served 4 months in jail about a year ago. He has gone through a court-mandated anger management/alcohol abuse program, and has had several restraining orders against him by his ex-wife and her current husband. He temporarily had custody taken away a few years ago. I know he still drinks, goes out with friends a few nights a week. He does have his kids over twice a week and every other weekend, so I assume he's doing better in that regard. He is in his mid-30s, and makes less than 30k a year, before child support payments. (I am not judging him; I grew up in a very poor family) He lives in a terrible neighborhood, in the house his mother gave to him while he was marred. I do not drink, although I have occasionally in the past. My husband provides very well for us...I just don't have any sort of fulfilling sexual relationship with him. I love being with this other man, but it really doesn't make any sense. I seem him during the day while my husband is at work, and occasionally at night. I know this other man has to not be a good guy, really, given his past and the fact that he's willing to be with me even though I am married. He does know about my 1st affair; I told him from the very beginning, before we had sex. I've found myself wanting to make it more serious than it should be, wanting to see him every day, know what he's doing every day. I know he much more relaxed about the whole relationship. I do most of the calling. On paper it makes absolutely no sense for me to be w/him, yet I can't stop looking at my phone to seee if he's called or sent me a msg, have a hard time concentrating or being interested in anything at home any more. I know I need to stop, but I don't really want to. I do feel addicted. I'm not trying to sound full of myself, but I really feel like I'm too good for him (on a purely superficial level...I know I have serious moral issues) , that I"m crazy for risking everything I have to be with him, someone who has major issues, and will most likely not be able to take care of me and my childrem...can hardly take care of himself it seems like. And yet I agonize when he doesn't call when he said he will, or has to cancel plans. Sorry this is so long. ANy help would be greatly appreciated.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 What I don't understand is, why are you still married? Why do you keep cheating on your husband? You're extremely lucky your husband forgave you after your 1st affair, so why on earth would you ruin your marriage and betray him a second time? AND, you are betraying your own young children too, your family unit. This second affair is stupid, even more so because the man you're involved with is a JERK! Talk to your husband, let him know what you are doing, and let HIM decide if he wants to stay married to you. It's obvious that you're not inlove with him.
Author kittycats2 Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Thank you for responding. I don't know why I'm still married. I want to love my husband, and I guess I keep thinking it will get better. I appreciate what you've said. Thank you.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 LOL. Wow your cheating on your husband a second time, this time with a certifiable nutjob! Good for you! What happens if he comes after your husband or your family? What if he tries to blackmail you. Let's be real the only reason your staying with your husband is because of his money. Stop making excuses about he's overweight. I am a little bit fat but I've never had any problem pulling girls. I bet you the minute your husband divorces you, he will find someone else and your gonna be left out in the cold. Good luck to you. Either way your marriage will come to an end. This guy your messing with does not bode well for your future. You clearly see the red flags in your damn face and yet you continue. Is your marriage and life that bad you need to escape so badly??? There's nothing wrong with your husband, Its something truly wrong with you... And that's the truth!
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 and will most likely not be able to take care of me and my childrem... Fact too, that you're even entertaining the idea of a future with this abuser jerk, and allowing him around your children just shows that you DO need therapy. You're putting their innocent and young lives at risk! There's something very wrong with that picture as you're NOT thinking of their best interests, you're being selfish and only thinking of yourself. Sorry that I'm being harsh, but you need to either fix your marriage and focus ONLY on your husband, obviously you loved him enough to marry him and create children with him, or end it and make sure you protect your kids, not throw them out infront of men who will harm them.
Trialbyfire Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Fact too, that you're even entertaining the idea of a future with this abuser jerk, and allowing him around your children just shows that you DO need therapy. You're putting their innocent and young lives at risk! There's something very wrong with that picture as you're NOT thinking of their best interests, you're being selfish and only thinking of yourself. Sorry that I'm being harsh, but you need to either fix your marriage and focus ONLY on your husband, obviously you loved him enough to marry him and create children with him, or end it and make sure you protect your kids, not throw them out infront of men who will harm them. Perfect advice. Your children are AT RISK.
Author kittycats2 Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Thank you all for your advice. I guess I've been trying to convince myself that his abusive behavior ( I do not know all the details) is in the past, that he has changed...or that it was due to his ex-wife etc. I know I'm fooling myself though, right? People don't change just like that. His children do spend the night with him, so I have to believe he is doing better. I really do appreciate all the responses. I obviously haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, no one to say, 'what the hell are you doing? wake up!' I think the worst part about it all is that I can see, although it feels like I"m an outsider looking in at my life, that he has major problems, issues, or at least has had in the past, is really no good for me, and yet I find myself feeling like I need him, that I can't function unless I know he's still in to me, that his feelings for me are increasing each time we see each other...that I feel so dependent on his affection for me... shows I have terrible judgment., can't trust myself
LifesontheUp Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I really do appreciate all the responses. I obviously haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, no one to say, 'what the hell are you doing? wake up!' I think the worst part about it all is that I can see, although it feels like I"m an outsider looking in at my life, that he has major problems, issues, or at least has had in the past, is really no good for me, and yet I find myself feeling like I need him, that I can't function unless I know he's still in to me, that his feelings for me are increasing each time we see each other...that I feel so dependent on his affection for me... shows I have terrible judgment., can't trust myself To me in your first post you came across as someone quite shallow - you stated you were in very good shape and very good looking. Respectfully, that doesn't make you a nice person on the inside though does it? After all you went out of your way to hook up with this guy, you were the one to initiate the start of the relationship and to me that says a lot about your character. So is this guy good looking and fit? Is that what attracted you to him? Your husband forgave you and took the time to go to counselling after your first affair. Don't be sure he'll be keen to do that again. After all look at the way you've repaid him for it..........you chased a felon! Apologies for the bluntness but I think you seriously need a wake up call before its too late and before this nutter hurts your family. How on earth can you sit there and even think whether the OM would be able to take care of you and your kids. Get yourself back into counselling quick, you need help. By the way are you going to tell your husband or hope it'll all go away?
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 And what about your husband? Running into the arms of ANY man, let alone a man who has issues, what are you going to do about your marriage? Forget this OM, he is only going to mess you up so stop trying to figure him out. End it and get into some counselling.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 IMO, your focus is on the wrong thing... the OM. Where it needs to be is on YOU. Now, it could be as simple as having a personality that is ill-suited to marriage and family life. But... it could be risk-taking behavior which is manifested by some other internal issue. To be on the safe side, why not talk to your family doctor about it? Yeah... it's hard to bring out your dirty laundry to a real live person, but confidentiality is part of his/her job. You need an STD battery anyway, so this is a good jumping off point. S/he has heard it ALL before, so you're not going to be shocking anybody, and you don't need to discuss your business with the office staff. Just tell 'em it's personal and that you need a consult. I'll be honest, your husband would be slap out of his mind to let this aggressive OM anywhere near his children. So, I think your fantasy of getting together with the OM and maintaining a daily relationship with your kids lacks merit and is representative of how far your logic has drifted from reality. Address what's going on inside your head. Let these external issues rest until you know from whence they come.
cj1988 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 For some reason, I am always shocked when I read "I am having an affair, HELP"....what is wrong with you? If you are not happy with yoour spouse, leave and let them move on, you do not deserve them. Next, any parent that puts another person before the safety of their child, your affair is not your biggest problem, it is you darlin. Get help. My life is no bowl of cherries, but you make me feel sane.....you are a mother, FIRST AND FOREMOST! Dump this worthless piece of crap and get help for you now. If you are as attractive as you say you are, you have major self esteem issues, been there done that....get help baby for you and your family before someone gets hurt !
Woggle Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 You might be a gorgous woman on the outside but inside it is a completely different story. The fact that you think you are too good for anybody is just laughable. I turned down a woman like you the other day.
cj1988 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 He is right, I use to be that way too, it is not becoming. I knew I was good looking and could have anyone I wanted. Flirted in front of my H because I could (knew he would never leave) and now look at me and the mess I am in....what goes around comes around and I am still attractive, but more so now on the inside where it counts as well as the outside. If you are full of yourself, you are not so appealing after all. It will take therapy, trust me ! I have had a lot and will need more. I was the ugly duckling story....skinny teenager, my sister was beautiful all the guys liked her....so as I got older, I looked a lot better and thought I had to prove something. Now, at 41 I find out I DONT, you either love me for me and not my looks or you will not be a part of my life, my choice. My looks turned out to be a somewhat curse for me. I attracted the good looking men that saw me from the outside ONLY....lust only....never saw me.....so as you see, looks are the last thing anyone needs to worry about !
JosieMcCoy Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 My mother cheated on my father with a co-worker. I have to say I still hate her to this day! Not only what she did to my daddy, but my brother as well! And she won custody of us! Does that make any sense? I became the biggest little brat until she let me go. Anybody that cheats while married---well, to be nice lets just say, well, I can't even say it!
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 I really do appreciate all the responses. I obviously haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, no one to say, 'what the hell are you doing? wake up!' I think the worst part about it all is that I can see, although it feels like I"m an outsider looking in at my life, that he has major problems, issues, or at least has had in the past, is really no good for me, and yet I find myself feeling like I need him, that I can't function unless I know he's still in to me, that his feelings for me are increasing each time we see each other...that I feel so dependent on his affection for me... shows I have terrible judgment., can't trust myself Consider a few things here. You are doing yourself no favor by trying to fake some kind of love for your husband. You could be dating and persueing meaningful relationships. Instead your allowing other men to use you like a piece of meat, plus then you have to live with the guilt and shame of an affiar. You are not doing your husband any favors either. By hanging on all your doing is preventing him from finding someone who really does love him. He could be with someone twice as attractive as you, who really loves him, but right now your preventing that. Plus he is probably scared to death that nobody else will want him, which is totally untrue! The worst part is what your doing to your kids! Your putting them in danger from these guys your having an affair with. I know you want to believe this guy has changed. Maybe he is better, but its not worth the risk to your children. You dont want to find out he hasnt changed after he starts kicking your kids in the face! You are also setting a very poor example for them. You are supposed to be teaching them relationship skills. I dont think you are bieng a good example. I know you have already thought these things yourself. I think you know how to resolve these issues! No time like now to start.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 My mother cheated on my father with a co-worker. I have to say I still hate her to this day! Not only what she did to my daddy, but my brother as well! And she won custody of us! Does that make any sense? I became the biggest little brat until she let me go. Anybody that cheats while married---well, to be nice lets just say, well, I can't even say it! How old are you? I was in a similar spot... but I got the court to let me live with my Dad!
cj1988 Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Sorry, but she does not sound like she feels guilt about all this at all. She does not care about her H at all from what I can see. Maybe I am wrong, but that is how I see it !
Triarge Posted November 9, 2007 Posted November 9, 2007 Try reading this. You dont really need to read all 31 reasons though you might want to. Its basically 31 reasons (duh!) why you should stop the affair. I doubt you will read it though, because when I was starting out my affair, I came here searching for "31 reasons to leave my wife"; strangely I couldnt find one. Try it.. http://www.affairrecovery.com/files/31Reasons.pdf
Author kittycats2 Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Wow, thank you for that article. I have felt so numb over the last few weeks, but many of the words in that article broke through and touched my heart. Thank you so much for all your advice. I know I've come across as utterly shallow and selfish, which I probably am. But I know there is still some good in me, which I'm going to try to focus on to gain the courage to end it before it's too late. Thank you again.
JosieMcCoy Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 How old are you? I was in a similar spot... but I got the court to let me live with my Dad! I'm in my mid 20's, or around there, that's all I will say! But this topic really brought back painful memories! ugh! Torn holidays! brother crying all the time! I grew up quickly believe it or not!! I hope your dad was nice that you got to live with. Our life was a tug of war. Its not my thread. Im gonna shut up!
sillygirl32 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 What would be your thoughts if your H had an affair? How would you feel about it? I have to say that I have been told that I am in extremely great condition and very good-looking and my STBXH was not all that, but I would never think of cheating because I LOVED HIM and I do not wish to be immoral or hurtful to another human being. It has nothing to do with looks, but it has everything to do with the person's character. (Just ask the STBXH, I left him after finding out of the first A.) Here are a couple of questions for you - Do you want to get caught? Do you want out of your marriage but you want your H to be the one who leaves you?
Cobra_X30 Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 I'm in my mid 20's, or around there, that's all I will say! But this topic really brought back painful memories! ugh! Torn holidays! brother crying all the time! I grew up quickly believe it or not!! I hope your dad was nice that you got to live with. Our life was a tug of war. Its not my thread. Im gonna shut up! Josie, I hear you! I'm late 20's. I think I am going to have to stay out of this section for some time due to similar memories. Kittycats, I hope you understand the emotion that a child goes through in a regular divorce is magnified x10 in one where one parent is cheating. Your children have my best wishes!
JosieMcCoy Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 Josie, I hear you! I'm late 20's. I think I am going to have to stay out of this section for some time due to similar memories. Kittycats, I hope you understand the emotion that a child goes through in a regular divorce is magnified x10 in one where one parent is cheating. Your children have my best wishes! I have to agree. I am avoiding this as well. I think I could have handled it! But maybe it was because I had to be strong for my brother. Cheers.
Darth Vader Posted November 10, 2007 Posted November 10, 2007 My mother cheated on my father with a co-worker. I have to say I still hate her to this day! Not only what she did to my daddy, but my brother as well! And she won custody of us! Does that make any sense? I became the biggest little brat until she let me go. Anybody that cheats while married---well, to be nice lets just say, well, I can't even say it! Your brother?
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