LucreziaBorgia Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 So, I did a very foolish thing last weekend. I had the ex come and stay with me. We had a great time. Lots of cuddling, intimacy, laughing, really hot sex, private time - just like our best days together. No weirdness or awkwardness. Just happy time the entire weekend. It felt so good to fall asleep in his arms and have him say that he loves me. He wants me to come stay with him this weekend. I thought for sure after that weekend, that he would change his mind about the breakup and move back. Apparently not. He was saying last night that he was going to go down to his rental office and rescind his notice that he put in to move out a month ago, and try to get a two year lease with no rent increase. He also said that he was considering one of his parent's units (they have townhouses that they rent out) here where I live as an option too. So... it sounds like he is still deciding. But... he will probably go through with the two year lease up there though. He said he wants to check out the job market up there and see what is out there for him. So, it doesn't look like he's coming back. I shouldn't want him to after what he did to me, but I find myself completely and hopelessly still in love with him. I guess the shock of going from one week buying a house, to the next week breaking up, to the next week acting like we were firmly back together (and still so - he acts like we are still together) is still not sinking in. I need those happy times right now. I start chemo in a week or so, and I can't imagine doing this without him in my life in some way. When we are together, we are together, even to this moment. He loves me, wants to be with me, he is just firmly decided that he does not want to walk into this life I established before he came along. He just can't do the instant family/kid thing. Not even me having cancer, and needing a less toxic place to live was enough to change his mind. Not even an awesome weekend spent entirely happy was enough to change his mind. I'm wondering when the chemo really gets started, if he will change his mind. I'm not sure. If he puts in for a two year lease today, it won't matter if he changes his mind. He won't be able to get out of the lease, and I won't be able to go up there. I'm just so sad right now. I can't imagine what this chemo will be like alone. I had a nightmare last night in which I was reduced to crawling all the time because my legs could no longer support me. I was like some grotesque bald baby crawling around the apartment from room to room alone. Last night I had a 'sort of' date. My friend took me out to a very nice place last night. He is sweet, charming, very smart, handsome, witty, in great shape, interesting, I think he may 'like' me - in other words a great catch. Unfortunately, he is my ex's friend, and even if he did like me he would likely never say anything about it, or do anything about it. I don't know if I would do anything about it. All I can think about is wanting my ex back. Its like some sort of horrible virus lodged in my heart and in my head. Breakup OCD. If I didn't have chemo to go through, I probably would go to 'no contact' and work on letting him go. Unfortunately, I am not emotionally strong enough to let anyone go right now. I need all I can get - even if it is weekends here and there, spent happily instead of living a full life together with him. There are no other options out there either for at least a year. Its not like I'm going to be out dating and enjoying the singles scene. I dunno. I'm just so sad and scattered right now. The Lexapro is finally starting to work. Hopefully by the time the chemo actually starts it will have kicked in fully. That helps, I guess.
Spinderella Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 LB, I had to respond to your post because I feel for you, but I am not sure if I can be helpful. From where I am standing, this man is not behaving with compassion and your posts ooze compassion, and he should not treat you like this. Keep your friend as a friend for now, and take all the support you can get from everyone else you have in your life. I would say to ask him to help you through the chemo times, but, LB sorry, but he sounds so selfish.
quankanne Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 my take is a bit different on your love-life: I wonder if maybe he's over-thinking this relationship? As in, he cares deeply for you and enjoys being with you and things are fine, but once he starts thinking about what it is and what it means, he panics. So he splits up with you and announces that he is not able to do the instant family or living together thing, even though his actions and heart say otherwise. it's the perfect defense mechanism for someone who is afraid to trust their feelings – my husband was like that when we first met, because he'd just gotten out of a bad divorce and was still too raw to trust his feelings for me even though we got along rather well.
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