Beginnings of emotional affair or overreacting husband

[Mister V]

OK...my question is this...

 

Question: Is my wife in the beginning stages of an "emotional affair" or his her husband (me) making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

===============================================

 

My wife is a licensed proffessional and so am I. We have kids and have been happily married for 14 yrs.

 

She is one of 2 individuals that manage the office. Her profession is one that requires frequent day trips to other cities to inspect on progress.

 

Her colleague is a marrired male with kids and a few yrs older than her and spends more time at the office than she does. I will call him Josh.

 

She often will work at home on her computer.

 

Recently, while searching for pics of our children, I stumbled accross her instant message (IM) conversation history that made me feel uneasy. Now, I am fully aware of their work relationship and how they share work info on a daily basis. But she has always told me that work related reasons is their only reason for IM use.

 

Apparently, she and Josh have been using IM for more than just work. I was surprised to see a level of camaraderie that went beyond work. For instance, becuase they handle the HR aspects of the office I find them (through IM) discussing each problem employee and commiserating each other about that particular employee's faults and how to deal with them. In other words they both conclude that the problem employee is wrong and they are both right. In addition, when it seems that IM is too slow, it is not uncommon for one of them to state "store?" in their IM conversation. I have since found out that this means they can take their converstion outside the office to a corner store which will take about 10-15 minutes.

 

Also, their office is into fantasy football. So, my wife has been in several IM conversations with Josh about fantasy football particulars. She has even gone as far as telling Josh that she is going to kick his butt and that she is concerned about Josh kicking her ass (for your information my wife never talks like this to me or her friends when I am around her) and when I confronted her about it she did not believe me at first and when I told her about her conversation history she said she did not want to look at it and that it must have been a wierd day.

 

In the conversations they each have asked each other to go to lunch and one in particular bothered me. Apparently, according to the IM archive, Josh asked my wife to go to lunch. My wife stated that she had no plans but if she did go she would probably need to buy a card for an employee of the office. After Josh read this he said that he, too, needed to buy a card for the office employee and would she like to go with him. She agreed and as it turned out we got into a fight about it because I had asked her to go to lunch with her that morning and, for some reason, she forgot and instead went to lunch with Josh.

 

Now...thier jobs require travel to local cities within a 100 mile radius. This means that it is not uncommon for my wife and Josh to be in the car to and from thier destination including lunches along the way. I am not crazy about this because I know that one cannot talk only about work in a two hour car ride and at some point feelings can get shared and commiserating will happen. In other words it is easy to nurture a friendship through frequent conversations which, through time, could lead to sharing of matters that are probably inappropriate between friends of the opposite sex.

 

So...am I overreacting or did I discover an emotional affair in its beginning stages.

[Cobra_X30]

She agreed and as it turned out we got into a fight about it because I had asked her to go to lunch with her that morning and, for some reason, she forgot and instead went to lunch with Josh.

 

Most of this seems pretty professional. However, the moment she decides to spend time with him instead of you... there is a problem brewing.

 

Seriously though... what can you do about it? She can explain away everything at this point... in her mind she has done nothing wrong and your just crazy jealous.

 

Maybe now would be a good time to just let her know that this is something that you will have your eye on, and that if she is inappropriate in any way with him... she will be talking to your divorce lawyer.

 

Also, how easy would it be to have her switch jobs?

[tinktronik]

It sounds like from what you have noted here ; what you discovered was a male female friendship . He's a man shes a woman they have an emotional friendship . I don't think that qualifies as an emotional affair.

I would not be too concerned , but certainly keep your eyes open .

[tinktronik]

quick ?

 

How long have your wife and josh been working together?

[Scrivdog]

1) Nobody "stumbles" on an IM conversation history. You specifically looked for it. Just admit that you already think something is supicious.

 

2) He's probably going to bang her soon. Why the hell else would he ask her out to lunch just him and her?

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, her 'friendship' with him is bothering you. Her blowing you off and having lunch with him is a crappy thing to do to you.

 

Is there any sexual undertones to their IM's? It sounds like they're buddies, like she's one of the boys, but at the same time HE seems to be working her..Asking to go to lunch, making plans to join her during her outtings.. Her intentions seem platonic, but the lunch thing is weird...And, who knows where his mind is at..

 

Keep an eye on things and get involved with your wife! Woo her, take her out to dinner, bring her flowers, make her forget she knows this guy! IF something is going on, you'll find out eventually, you know your wife, her mannerisms, her moods, so pay attention to the 'little' details.

[Mister V]

They have been working together for 6 yrs.

[Mister V]

I confronted her about the entire IM history...she admitted that the dialogue that I pointed out was inapproapriate and that she would be discussing only work related items, no more trips to store to talk outside the office, if a long trip to another city came up with Josh that she would make and excuse and make the trip alone and meet josh at the place, and the only one on one lunches would be with me

[tinktronik]

I confronted her about the entire IM history...she admitted that the dialogue that I pointed out was inapproapriate and that she would be discussing only work related items, no more trips to store to talk outside the office, if a long trip to another city came up with Josh that she would make and excuse and make the trip alone and meet josh at the place, and the only one on one lunches would be with me

That seconds that it was nothing. Good job MV . Your wife seems to be devoted and perfectly willing to meet your needs . Did the IM's make her nervous? It is sometimes that we tend to be freer with our thoughts on IM than face to face in an office as the IM situation seems seperate and removed from the office.

[Mister V]

Actually my discovery of the IMs made her angry at first until I pointed out that some of the dialogue seemed to be more than work related (i.e., inappropriate). I explained to her that work topics are one thing in a one on one dialogue, but IM's between male and female work colleagues involving jokes and commiserating should be talked about in the open and not in a private forum (like IM's)

 

I do trust my wife and love her dearly...

 

It is my hope that I will not have to come to this board with questions involving our marriage.

 

Thanks for all of your input...

[whichwayisup]

One thing just to pay attention to, her IM logs now. Will she delete them, or set it so the conversations aren't logged?

 

I hope you don't have to come back under other circumstances, but if you need to, this is a good place to get the help you need. Anyway, don't think along those lines quite yet..Give her a chance to see if she backs off this guy. Work is one thing, but if they're hanging out too much online while at home with you, that's taking time away from your time with her.

[Mister V]

Whichwayisup - the feature is turned off on her IMer...she offered to turn it back on but I did not want to be the micro-managing husband. IYO should I ask her to turn the feature back on or would that (a couple of days since the issued has been resolved) re-ignite more heated discussions?

 

also...she told me that the feature is not a default setting and that the only reason it was on was because she wanted to use it to show some employee reactions to work related questions...otherwise it would have never been on and I would have never seen any of her IM's

[whichwayisup]

Okay, so in her mind she hasn't really done anything wrong conversation wise...Her intentions aren't emotional affair with him, but the blowing you off so she could have lunch with him IS a problem (does she know how that pissed you off? I mean, imagine if you blew her off to meet another woman for a one on one lunch. Bet that would get her going bigtime) so I hope she doesn't go down that road again.

 

I would ask her to turn it on. If she has nothing to hide, then it shouldn't be a big deal. Right? She needs to do abit of legwork here and show you she is trustworthy....

[Mister V]

Her reasons for not wanting to turn it back have been that at her office it is not uncommon for others to work on her computer (her and Josh's computers are the only ones in the office equipped with timesheet software of which all employees must use). So...for that reason she is afraid that one of the other employees will look at her conversation history because it is not uncommon to speak with Josh about subordinate employees (where they are, why are they not at work, are they doing a decent job, etc...)

 

Also she states that because she initially turned it on in the first place her IM would be the only one on in the office...

 

After thinking about it...if she is promising to use IM for work related issues am I being too forceful if I ask here to turn the feature back on and refrain from talking with Josh about employees in a manner that would seem unprofessional?

 

Your thoughts are most appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Can you tell if your wife lies to you? Does she have any giveaways? Give it afew weeks, then ask her about the IM's, see how she 'is'. Nervous, or calm, giddy or laidback. Does she smile when talking about him etc..?

[lexi29]

I confronted her about the entire IM history...she admitted that the dialogue that I pointed out was inapproapriate and that she would be discussing only work related items, no more trips to store to talk outside the office, if a long trip to another city came up with Josh that she would make and excuse and make the trip alone and meet josh at the place, and the only one on one lunches would be with me

 

 

I will first point out that I"m a suspicious person by nature and only YOU really know your wife. But obviously the tone of her IMs have caused you some alarm (or you wouldn't be here) I think that something is up. Not necessarily that she is having an emotional affair but she is getting too close to this guy. Everything sounded decent until she blew you off to have lunch with him. No one "forgets" that they made lunch plans with their husband. also the quote I've listed above, it just sounds too simple. Like she is just saying everything you want to hear so you will back off and trust her and not pay any more attention to what she is doing.

 

While I would be rather annoyed at having an SO read IMs to a friend I would not be opposed to it to show him nothing innapropriate was going on. Those who have nothing to hide- hide nothing. I don't really like your wife's reasoning for not saving the IM conversations anymore. I mean she was doing it before she knew you were reading them and now suddenly she's turned the feature off becasue she's afraid employees might see what she's written? You said, if I remember correctly that they were discussing problem employees and how to handle them (and this was saved) so why wasn't she afraid of the employees looking at the conversation history back then? I think even if you ask her to turn the feature back on she may watch what she says to Josh and then just turn the feature off when she wants to talk about something she doesnt want you reading.

 

so the only way (and this is extreme) to find out what she's really talking about is to install a keylogger on her computer. Only do so if you really are unsure and dont' trust her. Because it is an invasion of privacy and if your wife is innocent then she is going to be very upset if she finds out you did this.

 

My only advice is to trust your gut feeling. Gut feelings are usually right every time.

[Mister V]

To be honest I believe that she does not have feelings for this guy...what I am curious about now is whether this guy has feelings for her.

 

If I can see the history every now and then I can find out if this whole thing was a complete misunderstanding or if this guy (in some wierd way) enjoys and seeks out her company.

[whichwayisup]

You're a guy, so you know how men think. I mean, is this guy married too? Or does he have a girlfriend?

Another option is to go meet your wife AT work for lunch afew times and make sure this guy SEES you with your wife.

[Mister V]

Lexi29 - if you turn off the feature then all of the IM history is deleted

 

Like I said...I believe my wife...who I am curious about is her co-worker...how many times will he ask her to "take a walk to the store", "go to lunch", etc...

[Mister V]

whichwayisup - the guy is married with 2 daughters and he is a few yrs older than my wife. I occassionally show up for work and he knows that I love my wife.

[Meaplus3]

OK...my question is this...

 

Question: Is my wife in the beginning stages of an "emotional affair" or his her husband (me) making a mountain out of a molehill?

 

===============================================

 

My wife is a licensed proffessional and so am I. We have kids and have been happily married for 14 yrs.

 

She is one of 2 individuals that manage the office. Her profession is one that requires frequent day trips to other cities to inspect on progress.

 

Her colleague is a marrired male with kids and a few yrs older than her and spends more time at the office than she does. I will call him Josh.

 

She often will work at home on her computer.

 

Recently, while searching for pics of our children, I stumbled accross her instant message (IM) conversation history that made me feel uneasy. Now, I am fully aware of their work relationship and how they share work info on a daily basis. But she has always told me that work related reasons is their only reason for IM use.

 

Apparently, she and Josh have been using IM for more than just work. I was surprised to see a level of camaraderie that went beyond work. For instance, becuase they handle the HR aspects of the office I find them (through IM) discussing each problem employee and commiserating each other about that particular employee's faults and how to deal with them. In other words they both conclude that the problem employee is wrong and they are both right. In addition, when it seems that IM is too slow, it is not uncommon for one of them to state "store?" in their IM conversation. I have since found out that this means they can take their converstion outside the office to a corner store which will take about 10-15 minutes.

 

Also, their office is into fantasy football. So, my wife has been in several IM conversations with Josh about fantasy football particulars. She has even gone as far as telling Josh that she is going to kick his butt and that she is concerned about Josh kicking her ass (for your information my wife never talks like this to me or her friends when I am around her) and when I confronted her about it she did not believe me at first and when I told her about her conversation history she said she did not want to look at it and that it must have been a wierd day.

 

In the conversations they each have asked each other to go to lunch and one in particular bothered me. Apparently, according to the IM archive, Josh asked my wife to go to lunch. My wife stated that she had no plans but if she did go she would probably need to buy a card for an employee of the office. After Josh read this he said that he, too, needed to buy a card for the office employee and would she like to go with him. She agreed and as it turned out we got into a fight about it because I had asked her to go to lunch with her that morning and, for some reason, she forgot and instead went to lunch with Josh.

 

Now...thier jobs require travel to local cities within a 100 mile radius. This means that it is not uncommon for my wife and Josh to be in the car to and from thier destination including lunches along the way. I am not crazy about this because I know that one cannot talk only about work in a two hour car ride and at some point feelings can get shared and commiserating will happen. In other words it is easy to nurture a friendship through frequent conversations which, through time, could lead to sharing of matters that are probably inappropriate between friends of the opposite sex.

 

So...am I overreacting or did I discover an emotional affair in its beginning stages.

 

MisterV, It' sound pretty professional at this point, however the fact that you question this relationship is a sign to me that you need to keep an eye on it. An innocent close friendship with the opposite sex can very quickley turn into an Emotional Affair. Do you know if a sexual attraction exist's between them? Does your wife talk about him alot at home? If so what does she say to you about him?? You say your both very happily married. Do you know for sure that you wife is currently happy with your marriage? I am asking you these quetion's to try to better assit you.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

Ask your wife how comfy she would be if you were friendly with female co-worker like she is with this guy.

[Mister V]

answerplease37 - My wife and I have had many a sleepless night arguing about this issue...in those conversations she has repeatedly told me that there is nothing to worry about...I believe her

 

I do, however, question the happiness of the other guy...he is always grumpy and I have a hunch that my wife, who is outgoing, has been unknowingly stroking his ego by trying to be one of the guys at the office. I am sure that this guy spends more time at the office than with his family

 

I spoke to my wife on the phone a minute ago and told her that I would like for her to turn on the feature within her IMer that records all conversations...she said that she would do it but that it was wierd because the only reason for doing so was because I did not trust her and that she would also feel wierd about me occassioanally checking her computer to see what kind of instant messages had been created in the past week or so...Am I wrong to request this

[jmargel]

It doesn't matter what this guy thinks. You can't control him. What you can't control, try not to worry about.

 

It takes two to tango and if your wife ever becomes uncomfortable around him, I am sure she will let you know. If she is accepting his advances then there is something that you need to decide whether to stay with her.

 

If they have been doing this for six years and nothing has come up romantically, then I would say that chances are nothing will happen.

[Mister V]

JMargel - are you saying that you would or would not pursue asking my wife to turn on the IM feature that records all conversations...and for what reasons....thx