MM looking for guidance

[bodhisattva]

Hi all,

 

I'm an MM who's been having an A for most of this year, and am torn about what to do.

 

I've been reading a lot of threads on here for the past week or so, hoping to find some answers. I've gained a lot of insight, especially into the mind of the OW, but decided to post my situation and ask for help.

 

I'm hesitant to give a lot of details, though after reading LS for the past week, my story doesn't sound unique. Married 8 years, passion faded (at least from me), more like roommates than a couple, two kids under 5 that I adore. I met the OW in grad school, we got close, things started, we fell in love. Yes, it's love. And yes, I'm a liar and a cheater. W doesn't know. I feel like I'm dying. I don't know what to do. I'm miserable at home, I think I want to be with OW, I've wanted to move out for months, but something is keeping me from doing it. OW is righfully getting fed up with it.

 

I feel like I'm in purgatory. I don't feel anything besides familial love for my wife anymore, but I don't know if that's just the "fog". I don't want to hurt her, or especially my kids, but I'm in so much pain (self-inflicted) right now. I don't know what I want, or which path to take.

 

I will post more as needed, and answer any questions. Just looking for some guidance, advice, ass-kicking, whatever, etc.

 

Thanks everyone.

[reboot]

Keeping in mind you did allow for ass-kicking....

 

Divorce your wife and marry OW. And 8 years from now, when life and bills and children and a mortgage has intruded on that "passion", and that "passion" has faded too (and it will, infatuation always fades) please come back here a tell us about your next OW that you fell in love with.

 

Are we to assume you never felt these things for your wife? Did you just have a boring week planned and thought getting married and having a couple of kids might spice it up?

 

Oh wait, the passion faded... that's right. Sorry, that makes it ok. Ok to completely shred the lives of a wife and innocent children.

 

Seriously, divorce your wife. Let her find a life and a man that can really love her. She deserves someone that doesn't think with his genitals.

[whichwayisup]

You don't know what you feel for your wife anymore BECAUSE of the OW. The crush inlove feelings you have now are taking over and that's all you can think about it.

 

Think about this stuff: Is the OW wife material? Could you picture her being a stepmom for your children? Can you picture joint custody or just visitation with your kids? Would your famiy and friends accept the OW? Do you want to have more children?

 

Can you live without your wife? All that you've built with her, how she loves you, has been there for you, all the history, the friends, the inlaws, family combined, neighbours, your house, your lifestyle. Is the OW worth giving up all that you have now?

 

It sucks that you allowed yourself to fall for someone else. Seems you forgot your vows, forgot that your wife gave birth to TWO children that you helped create. You forgot that it is just WRONG to cheat.

 

You have afew choices here. 1)Tell OW goodbye, go no contact and get your butt into counselling, talk to your wife about your A, go to marriage counselling.

2)Continue the A, get busted and live with the consquences.

3)Divorce your wife and start a new life with your OW.

 

Either way, I think right now you need to go to counselling because what you're doing, deceiving your wife, betraying your family unit, your kids - WILL eat you up. You could actually separate from your wife, tell the OW goodbye too and be alone so you can figure out what you want.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, but you are right - It IS self inflicted by very selfish choices.

[Shades of Grey]

Hi there,

 

I think the first thing that you need to ask yourself is do you feel that your marriage is salvagable on any level?

 

One thing is for certain that it stands no chance whilst the OW is in the picture.

 

Have you made your wife aware of your feelings towards her?

 

Because if you have given no indication then in all fairness you probably haven't given her the opportunity to help change the path that your marriage is heading down.

 

Did your feelings change towards your wife after you'd met OW or before?

 

What i'm trying to get at is whether she was the cause or the effect of your current troubles.

 

Sorry lots of questions but I think if you start by answering these it will really help you to understand your situation and help other people to give you advice.

[bodhisattva]

Keeping in mind you did allow for ass-kicking....

 

Divorce your wife and marry OW. And 8 years from now, when life and bills and children and a mortgage has intruded on that "passion", and that "passion" has faded too (and it will, infatuation always fades) please come back here a tell us about your next OW that you fell in love with.

I've definitely considered this. I think on some level I believe this may happen. Which makes me wonder if I should just be alone.

 

 

Are we to assume you never felt these things for your wife? Did you just have a boring week planned and thought getting married and having a couple of kids might spice it up?

Honestly I had doubts during the engagement that I was too scared or too stupid to address.

 

 

Oh wait, the passion faded... that's right. Sorry, that makes it ok. Ok to completely shred the lives of a wife and innocent children.

 

Seriously, divorce your wife. Let her find a life and a man that can really love her. She deserves someone that doesn't think with his genitals.

I know. I'm a bastard. She does not deserve me, she deserves someone who will give her the same amount of love back.

 

Another reason for me to leave...

[whichwayisup]

Then leave. Tell your wife that the marriage was a mistake, and that you want a divorce, that she deserves better. If you are sure that you want out, get out now, don't go dragging this on for years to come, deciding who you want more.

 

You do need to be alone.

[bodhisattva]

You don't know what you feel for your wife anymore BECAUSE of the OW. The crush inlove feelings you have now are taking over and that's all you can think about it.

This makes sense.

 

Think about this stuff: Is the OW wife material? Could you picture her being a stepmom for your children? Can you picture joint custody or just visitation with your kids? Would your famiy and friends accept the OW? Do you want to have more children?

Yes to everything.

 

Can you live without your wife? All that you've built with her, how she loves you, has been there for you, all the history, the friends, the inlaws, family combined, neighbours, your house, your lifestyle. Is the OW worth giving up all that you have now?

I think I can live without her. It would be sad leaving, but I am miserable at home. The only redeeming thing is the kids. And it's not like the W is mean or inattentive or anything.

 

Sometimes I think the OW is worth all that. Part of me wants to take the chance and find out.

 

Maybe I'm just self-destructive. Which I could deal with if it was just me I was destroying.

 

It sucks that you allowed yourself to fall for someone else. Seems you forgot your vows, forgot that your wife gave birth to TWO children that you helped create. You forgot that it is just WRONG to cheat.

Agreed. The guilt is eating me alive.

 

You have afew choices here. 1)Tell OW goodbye, go no contact and get your butt into counselling, talk to your wife about your A, go to marriage counselling.

2)Continue the A, get busted and live with the consquences.

3)Divorce your wife and start a new life with your OW.

1) is what I know I should do, but I don't know if I can.

2) won't happen, as OW wants a decision soon.

3) scares the **** out of me, but also feels right in some way. I don't deserve my W, I deserve a crappy second job to pay for my room at the men's shelter.

 

Either way, I think right now you need to go to counselling because what you're doing, deceiving your wife, betraying your family unit, your kids - WILL eat you up. You could actually separate from your wife, tell the OW goodbye too and be alone so you can figure out what you want.

This might be a good alternative.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, but you are right - It IS self inflicted by very selfish choices.

Thank you.

[bodhisattva]

Hi there,

 

I think the first thing that you need to ask yourself is do you feel that your marriage is salvagable on any level?

Maybe, but right now it's hard to see that since I'm so out of it at home with her.

 

 

One thing is for certain that it stands no chance whilst the OW is in the picture.

Agreed.

 

 

Have you made your wife aware of your feelings towards her?

 

Because if you have given no indication then in all fairness you probably haven't given her the opportunity to help change the path that your marriage is heading down.

We've had a couple talks about how I'm generally unhappy. It ends up with me saying I'm just in a funk or something.

 

 

Did your feelings change towards your wife after you'd met OW or before?

 

What i'm trying to get at is whether she was the cause or the effect of your current troubles.

I'm not sure. A little of both I guess? I think the A is more of a symptom. Maybe?

 

I've been tempted before with other women, but nothing ever happened. And I shrugged it off as normal crush/fantasy/whatever feelings everyone probably experiences at different times during LTRs/marriage. Now I wonder if it's me.

[bodhisattva]

Then leave. Tell your wife that the marriage was a mistake, and that you want a divorce, that she deserves better. If you are sure that you want out, get out now, don't go dragging this on for years to come, deciding who you want more.

 

You do need to be alone.

I'm not sure if I want to leave, get divorced, etc. I sort of know my judgement is clouded right now by the A. But part of me feels like, even if separation/divorce is not what I want, and I know it will be so hard, it's what I deserve, for betraying my W. But then, I don't want to put her through the pain of all that either. If I could cut it off with the OW, maybe I can salvage things at home. I'm so conflicted.

 

Thanks for your responses.

[whichwayisup]

At the end of the day the decision is yours. Maybe it would be best to ask the OW for some space, ask her to respect your wishes, give you time to end your marriage. The longer you put this off you're hurting your OW more, and your wife, though she isn't aware of your affair.

 

It does sound like you want out of your marriage and you don't want to try to fix things, give your wife a chance to meet your needs again and for you to meet hers. I'm sure she's just as unhappy...And, I'm sure she isn't stupid either, she probably is aware 'something' is going on with you and her gut could be telling her you're having an affair. I'm sure the red flags and signs are there for her to see.

 

We've had a couple talks about how I'm generally unhappy. It ends up with me saying I'm just in a funk or something.

 

Did these talks happen before or during your affair?

[whichwayisup]

I'm not sure if I want to leave, get divorced, etc. I sort of know my judgement is clouded right now by the A. But part of me feels like, even if separation/divorce is not what I want, and I know it will be so hard, it's what I deserve, for betraying my W. But then, I don't want to put her through the pain of all that either. If I could cut it off with the OW, maybe I can salvage things at home. I'm so conflicted.

 

Thanks for your responses.

 

Well, you can't continue what you're doing now, it's not working.

 

Get some counselling to help you decide what you want to do. Or, come clean with your wife, tell her everything. Let HER decide if she wants to stay married to you. Who knows, maybe if you came clean with her, whatever feelings you have left will come back and if you're lucky and she's a special woman, she may have it in her to give you a second chance. Though, to be honest, I'm not sure if you want one due to what you feel for your OW.

[bodhisattva]

OW and I are sort of on a break right now that we both felt we needed, due to the stress and guilt we both feel. This is making me miss her more, and I think clouding my judgment even more.

 

I don't know if my happiness is worth hurting my W and kids like this will. Though I want to be a good father, and sometimes I think I'd be a better one if I wasn't living a life I was miserable in. Though maybe if I end it with the OW things will rebound?

 

These talks happened after my A. But I think the A just compounded something that was already there. Part of the reason I went back to grad school was b/c I felt like something was missing in me, and I wanted to work on myself.

[Shades of Grey]

It sounds to me that all is still not lost with your wife and that there might bs something there that is salvagable. I think because of your history together and the fact that there are children involved you owe it to her and yourself to be honest with her about the fact that your marriage is in crisis and at least give her the opportunity to respond to that.

 

If you decide after this discussion that there is enough there to give it one last shot you really have to cut all contact with OW and channel all of your enery into your marriage. At least then if it fails you can move forward with the knowledge that you did everything you could to make it work.

 

Whether your current behaviour is down to selfishness, weakness, uncertainty, unhappiness or all of the above the fact is that if it continues you have in front of you the capability to destroy so many lives.

 

It's in your hands and you need to take control.

[whichwayisup]

Definately seek some counselling, you need it.

 

Noone can tell you what to do, we can give you suggestions, but it's up to you to decide what is best for you.

[reboot]

I'm not sure if I want to leave, get divorced, etc

Why is it all up to you?

 

You need to level with your wife. She's at a severe disadvantage here and there's nothing fair about it at all. You've said nothing to indicate that she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. She's home taking care of your children, cooking your meals, washing your dirty underwear, and playing the good wife while you're out porking some woman that has nothing better to do than diddle a married man.

 

So when you tell her, it may not matter what you want. Odds are she'll kick your butt to the curb. And deservedly so.

 

I'm really sorry if I sound harsh. Posts like yours push a lot of my buttons. I really wish I could say something positive to you. I can't.

[bodhisattva]

I don't know much about counseling, do I look for a psycholgist? Marriage therapist? Any advice is appreciated.

 

At times I do want to work things out with my W, because I did love her before and I've seen examples of couples working to put things back together. I want our kids in a happy home.

 

I will try to have the talk with her. But I guess I'm a conflict-avoider, because I'm not going to voluntarily tell her about the A. Not happening. If that's harsh, so be it.

 

Thanks again for everyone's input.

[Shades of Grey]

I don't know much about counseling, do I look for a psycholgist? Marriage therapist? Any advice is appreciated.

 

At times I do want to work things out with my W, because I did love her before and I've seen examples of couples working to put things back together. I want our kids in a happy home.

 

I will try to have the talk with her. But I guess I'm a conflict-avoider, because I'm not going to voluntarily tell her about the A. Not happening. If that's harsh, so be it.

 

Thanks again for everyone's input.

 

 

Conflict avoider or not this is too big a deal for you to ignore. If you did love her once then at least there are some foundations on which to build.

 

It's your choice whether you tell her about the affair or not. Personally I feel that the only thing doing so will achieve is to cause her an immense amount of pain. If you're determined to make things work then you should live with your guilt. I'm sure others will say she deserves to know but just my opinion.

 

Once you've spoken to her you should decide together what sort of counselling to go for. Marriage counselling seems like the obvious place to start.

[bodhisattva]

I agree about not telling her, and carrying the guilt on my own. That's mine to deal with.

 

I'm concerned about doing couples counseling (or whatever it's called) because I know I won't be able to be completey open/truthful with her there. Should I just see someone alone?

[reboot]

I agree about not telling her, and carrying the guilt on my own. That's mine to deal with.

You are so very wrong about this. But I won't bully you about it.

[whichwayisup]

Something else you need to think about is, the chances of your wife finding out on her own. If you end it with your OW, you really don't know for sure if she'll turn around and tell your wife. Go read in the OW/OM section - There have been afew OW who have spilled all to the wife out of revenge. Do you know your OW well enough? More than likely you don't, because people do freaky things when emotional... Also, I'm sure people in the classes know you and the OW have a thing going on too. It's a small world, even if you've been out in public with the OW, it could still get back to your wife.

[4whatItsWorth]

I'd say since you're the kind of "non-confronting" guy you'll drag both these women along until either the OW goes mad and tells your wife for you...or your W simply finds out and kicks you out.

 

It takes two to tango - and you CANNOT DEPEND ON SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. If you do...well, then in the end you will always be back to square one.

 

I agree your W deserves to know...but obviously you won't tell her. Then you owe it to her to get rid of the OW in your life, and focus on your wife. Problem is...until your W knows how severe this situation is - she might not change..to whatever you wanted her to be. Why not romantisize your wife? Bring home flowers, be nice...you might be up for a nice surprise!

 

I used to ask my fiancé what feelings he first felt when he knew he loved me, that always makes him feel warm and fuzzy. Perhaps YOU should try think of the moment when you knew you loved your wife?

[Frances]

This sounds like a repeat of a posting that was made a few weeks ago.

 

Anyone else think so?

[bodhisattva]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

I think it's clear I have some issues that go deeper than the W and OW.

 

I've contacted a therapist who I will be seeing soon.

[abeliever]

I agree with telling your W about your OW! You want honesty here then you have to be man enough (I feel that you are- your here asking) to hear our suggestions. That is all that it is, but make no mistake we all have been on one side or the other.

 

Hey, look I know people fall out of love, it seems to be the common "excuse" here as to why people cheat on their SO. Let me pose this question to you. You said you had the chance to stop marriage before it happened but didn't ????? Not sure why scared, etc. Too many excuses. Take responsibility for YOUR actions. If you wanted to call it off then YOU should have! Where in all of this is it fair to your W? I feel your pain- I do. I cannot imagine the PAIN you are and have caused W, not to mention she THINKS you love and respect her and your M. So how will she feel about it -that her whole world is a lie? This is not a movie, its her life we are talking about here. So if you have to get IC to figure out where you are going with this A and YOUR life, do all of us here a favor be a man. Let your W in on this big secret the A and you never wanted to marry her. We all believe here if you give your SO the TRUTH, no matter how bad- we can hurt over but we can heal and we can get over it.

 

Don't you owe that to her at least????? The mother of your children??? Stop this I don't know why I won't leave her crap, we are sick of it. Bottom line you know what you are doing is wrong and you cannot deal with it yourself. Time to grow some balls, get what you want out of your life if OW or W and kids. But stop lying to her, OW, kids and most important to yourself.

 

Hope this helps. Sorry so brash but damn, it gets tiring here all about cheaters and nothing of or about the one who "doesn't nor wouldn't cheat"!!!

 

abeliever

[whichwayisup]

Talking to a therapist is a good start!