delilah12 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 My story is long so I will do my best to summarize. I joined this forum specifically for help in staying away from this toxic man with whom I have had an emotional affair (and physical at times) for the past 10 years. yes that's right. 10 years. When I met him, my fiancee had just decided, three months before our wedding, that he didn't want to marry me. It was an awful time and I started a new job and met some new people who really helped me through. MM was one of them. We started as friends but it was clear there was a connection. We hooked up a few months later and I finished ending it with the fiancee and moved out. MM and I began a torrid affair that lasted about 8 months - you know the drill - can't live without you, heartache, love you more than life itself, need you, blah blah blah - he was married with a small child and his own father had left his mother when he and his brothers were small - he said he could never do that to his own son and I believed him - I met a guy who I really liked being with and plunged into a relationship with him to get away from MM - eventually, MM saw he was losing me but could not leave his child and family and I got serious with this other guy - we were still in each others lives but platonically - we missed each other deeply and could talk about all manner of things that we couldn't discuss with other people - a little background - when i was 18 i found out my dad was having an affair (long-term) with his secretary - I confronted him and he confessed and he told me he would end it and made me promise not to tell my mother - I kept that promise because I knew it would kill her and basically became his co-conspirator - so many lies inside of me and I knew I was completely collapsing from within - the affair with MM was me working out something with my father i guess (not in a sexual way, obviously) I married the other guy and moved the hell away from MM - we kept in touch and would get together every so often - never physically - but it was heart-wrenching saying goodbye - i felt that he was part of me and I would never find that in anyone ever again - back and forth it went - I would be able to have in my life for awhile and then get upset that i couldn't have him in that way and run away - the longest i ever went with NC was 2 years - he always kept track of me through mutual friends - he contacted me after those 2 years and we met up and had sex - Now I'm a liar too - I never thought, after all the heartache my father caused me in seeing what he did to my mom, that I would repeat this horrendous behavior - but I did - I didn't happen again and I broke contact again - our cycle is this: I say horrendous things to him, tell him to leave me alone, go away and he waits for me to come back - the last 2 years were the longest that we went with just friendship (truly) and I even saw him last year and we had lunch and drove away with not even a kiss between us - I was so proud of myself - I felt we could do this I saw him two days ago and we had sex - I despise myself - worse, I have feelings of suicide - my husband does not deserve me (you don't have to tell me this - I know this to my core) and I have told myself this has to be it -I have to get away from this man for good - he is killing me and I am helping him do it - I have to contact a psychiatrist because I don't think I can do this by myself - I have come to the conclusion that all these lies, they don't go away and they don't disappear - they leach into you and complete drain your soul - I guess I came here so that I could have some help in maintaining the NC - please, please, I am begging you - someone -- anyone..for some help.
evenerml Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 well lets just say that nothing is worth taking our own life over! not even a man. I know things seem really bad right now but if you just keep self away from MM then things can go back to normal. But sometime you will have to tell him about the other night. I know how your feeling and just make sure that you put your self around people you care and love you because right now is not the time to be alone. Do what you have to do to get away from this MM change you # or your job (if you still work w/him) do what it takes to save your marrige and you life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
curly Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 What you are describing sounds so much like a drug addiction or an alcoholic. You should look into reading the Big Book from Alcoholics Anonymous. I know it's alcohol, but I really think you can relate. It sounds very much like you're addicted to this MM, even when you know it's killing you. You need counseling very much. Call a counseling center right away. Tell them you are in crisis and need to speak to someone right away. You will probably need to go through one counselor which is considered "intake" and then they'll pair you with the right therapist. But do take this step immediately. Nothing is worth ending your life. And if nothing else, get the "Big Book" at a 12 steps store (there are lots if you are looking for them). It's about alcohol, but if you substitute wanting to take a drink, for wanting to be with your MM, you may find a lot of similar situations. Good luck!
frannie Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 ... I never thought, after all the heartache my father caused me in seeing what he did to my mom, that I would repeat this horrendous behavior - but I did... delilah I think you're doing the right thing in getting counselling. Really, you have a great desire to break this habit now and you are prepared to face those issues from your past which are affecting how you live today. There is a good, happy future out there for you... it will take time, but from what you write here it seems to me you will make it. Best of luck.
lonegal Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Hi Delilah, How are you? I hope your coping well with your situation. I agree with the other posters that you are taking the right steps. Big or small - every little move you make will matter in the end. Good luck.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 I saw him two days ago and we had sex - I despise myself - worse, I have feelings of suicide - my husband does not deserve me (you don't have to tell me this - I know this to my core) and I have told myself this has to be it -I have to get away from this man for good - he is killing me and I am helping him do it - I have to contact a psychiatrist because I don't think I can do this by myself - I have come to the conclusion that all these lies, they don't go away and they don't disappear - they leach into you and complete drain your soul - I guess I came here so that I could have some help in maintaining the NC - please, please, I am begging you - someone -- anyone..for some help. How do you plan to resolve this situation?
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