nadiaj2727 Posted October 25, 2007 Posted October 25, 2007 Hi everyone, I've been the OW with my (separated??) MM for about 8 months now (what felt like accidentally, of course...), but for the past couple of weeks I'd decided I should take a break from my MM until he gets divorced, because I never intended to be seeing a married man for so long, but I realized that's what I'd been doing. I just registered but I've been reading this forum while I was really conflicted about a lot of things and wanted to let you all know that it has really helped me decide what to do. It's been really interesting to gain perspective from OWs, MMs and BSs (and even learn what all the abbreviations mean and to realize the similarities and differences from all of your unique situations and my own. Thank you all for sharing your stories on here. No one knows about it except my sister who lives in a totally different state and doesn't particularly approve (but accepts it and tries to support me). Therefore one of the hardest parts has been not being able to talk to anyone about it, especially when we've been having problems the only person I have, about this matter, is him. So it's been really nice to find out I'm not alone with some of my stuff. Here is my story... I'm still a bit torn about whether or not I did the right thing, but I've been torn all along and I've felt I haven't been doing the right thing from the beginning so I had to make some kind of change. My MM is signifanctly older than I am and I met him at work (I know, how dumb of me to get involved with someone at work on top of everything else!) He became my mentor of sorts and I totally admired him from the start, then grew to have passionate feelings for him that I had never experienced for anyone before. At the time, he told me he was married (well, I knew from other people at work who said he was married... he didn't act married/ wear a ring/ talk about his wife, etc... so sometimes I wonder when he would have told me on his own that he was married?!... scary thought!) but that he and his wife were separated pending divorce. Like many other posts I've read on this forum, he told me that they had never really been in love, he married 15 years ago for the wrong reasons (obligation/ sense of duty/ guilt after trying to break off the engagement and seeing her so upset), that they lived totally separated lives and that they had both discussed divorce and agreed it was best. (They weren't able to have any children.) He told me they were "separated" but I don't consider them separated at all during that time period in the beginning. He was still living at home but slept in the spare bedroom and had a separate wing of the house to himself. About two months after we started seeing each other, he moved out and into a temporary furnished condo of a friend's. However, he left most of his stuff and his dogs at her house, and up until a month or so ago, he would pet/ house -sit at their house when she was out of town. Now it's been almost 8 months since he first told me they were separated pending divorce, and they still haven't filed. He told me that she changed her mind and no longer wanted a divorce. She urged marriage counseling and I felt very guilty -- I never wanted to take someone's husband, I had thought it was a mutual and almost-filed thing. He said that he wanted them to file jointly (she's in the same profession and they have about equal assets/ salary so money is not an issue) and didn't want it to get "messy," so he was letting her call all the shots... which were none, because she doesn't want to get divorced. I see her sometimes and she is still wearing her wedding ring. I began to wonder if he was strining BOTH of us along and whether or not she had any idea how seriously he wanted to get divorced, or what he was even telling her. It really sucked to start doubting someone whom I had started everything off with thinking was an incredibly good person and very honest. But his story about whether or not she had "accepted" getting divorced and was ready to file always changed, as did the time period about when they were going to file. He would tell me "a week or two" for a month, then when I would say, "I can't do this anymore," he would say, "3 days," or "Monday" etc. and it still hasn't happened. I began to feel like a fool. I decided that for many reasons I needed out. It was not the situation I thought I was getting into in the beginning. If he had told me back then, "I want divorced but my wife doesn't, and I am going to let all the decisions about that up to her, and not act at all to get divorced for 8 months, except moving some clothes and A book into a furnished condo," I would have said "No way buddy, call me when and if you actually ACT on what you say you want and get a divorce." Instead, I loved him and believed that he loved me and wanted to believe his version that everything was nice and easy and smooth. I think he was naive about what actually needed to be done to get divorced and his wife's stance on the issue, and I fell into it with him. But then I felt guilty, confused, frustrated, angry... all bad feelings, almost none of the passion from the beginning, EXCEPT when we would bury our heads in the sand and hang out at his condo or sneak away to a far-away restaurant, and act like we were "really" a couple. He would tell me he didn't "FEEL" married and didn't "CONSIDER" himself married but it would drive me crazy because I obviously felt like/ considered him married because that was the reason we can't be in a real relationship together! Plus I felt like I was waiting for another woman to accept that she had to get a divorce (if he was even telling her that consistently?!) and to take action, instead of waiting -- if I had to wait at all -- for a man who said he loves me to do what it takes to be with me the way I deserve. It took me almost a month to break it off, he would cry and call me at 2 in the morning and tell me he has ulcers and can't sleep, and tell me it felt like I was abandoning him when he needed me most, and ask me why I can't wait for "3 more days" (uh huh... this was like 2 weeks ago at least) for him to file since I've waited so long, etc. I would always feel bad and give in and say, okay, I'll wait, because I love you, but all the while I was miserable and depressed in every other area of my life. FINALLY he says he's got it and he realizes this is the best thing for our relationship. He said he realizes that a lot of the negativity in our relationship comes from not being able to be together like we both want, and he agrees we should start doing the right thing even if for a short period of time compared to how long we've been doing the wrong thing from the beginning. I really think he at least understands now that it was driving me crazy and that I need to be on my own until his divorce is finalized (or he even files?!?) to be happy. He is no longer playing his immature childish games... but it was just last night that he finally said he "got" it and DIDN'T call me multiple times in the middle of the night, so... time will tell I guess. I feel bad for no longer being able to "support" him through his divorce, but I feel I was more of a hindrance to him getting one than anything, because when he was with me in fantasy land, he didn't have to deal with the reality of his situation and what was required to change it. I also wondered if he REALLY wanted to get divorced, or why wouldn't he have filed by now?, and if I'm not in the picture, would he still go through with it? (Hard to tell since so far he hasn't gone through with it even with me IN the picture! ) When I was TRYING to break it off, he kept asking me questions like, "Do you still have feelings for me?", "Will you tell me if your feelings for me change?", "Will you date other guys while we're apart?", "Are you sure you'll see me once I'm divorced?" And I couldn't tell if he was asking these questions because he felt lonely/ insecure or if it meant he was just trying to keep me around as insurance while he decided what to do about his divorce, and if he wouldn't really go through with it if I'd have said, "I want to go find a single guy to be with." I finally told him I can't answer his questions because I no longer want to feel like I'm a factor at all in his divorce, which he'd guaranteed me he was already going to get with or without me, and that I thought it was unfair that he was asking me to give him everything while he was still not even available to me. So... we'll see. What do you guys think? Will he hurry to get divorced now that he can no longer see me while he's married? Will he fear that he's lost me and decide to stay with his wife because he doesn't want to be lonely and do what it takes to change his situation? Is he *finally* focused on my wants and needs instead of his own, or will he soon start crying to me again that he can't do this without me? The sad thing is, i have no idea about the answers to any of these questions. I just know I had to get out for now, for my own sanity, and that I feel I am doing the right thing even though I miss him and it's hard to know he's hurting without me. I've decided that if he doesn't hurry and get divorced, I will move on with my life and stop waiting for him, because although things with him are really really great, I want more out of a relationship. And if he does get divorced soon I will at least know that I did the right thing EVENTUALLY (even if it took me forever) and that he was eventually able to do what it took to get out of that relationship before continuing one with me. Thanks again for sharing your experiences on here for me to read while I was going through my dilemma (and still am!), and I would appreciate any advice pertaining to my own situation.
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